Saturday, March 7, 2015

a new me?

I dont know what to do
am blue....
ate all those... and now i dont see you
feeling the start of bad luck
or my faults pain
feeling like hes gonna hate me and him too
promises
broken
lost

sad
all what i didnt want to feel
ads for Ramadan are here
and I am not even in existence
Where Is ALLAH to me

well if it wasn't for my big mouth
i might just find him
and you....
its M& T now
but hell never forgive me
here i am splattering my anger and looking like an evil monster
hating who i am
he
did not make me this way
and so i dont deserve


but this is not what i want to feel
breaking his heart
and yet he buys megold
feeling lost and gittery
too much tea
or incorrect hormones?
feeling stretched
in all the wrong ways
this is not what i want to do with my life

worry
be lazy
be unahppy
be unhealthy

see she lost her life in an instant
and now she just has to dream about it a wonder away
and i
push it away
happiness and making my own luck


push it away



 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -