hi there
feeling like the world is upon me and i am so very very small
i ask myslef
why out of all people i met them that saturday in Ozone
answers run through my head
ones that make me cry
ones that make me fear but
ones that make me need
and ones that make me dream
and ones that make me angry\
but ones that make me realise
it must have been to save me
or to change me
or to show me
what it is im missing
all because of stupid thought and stupid ways
and a terrifying imagination
and atragedy which i had no control over
talking about it helped
but truly you will never have control over it
you can only have control over yourself
like his dream
a glass of milk to you having no space for that
and like yours
you saw that little gem just lying there asleep
you did
so dont fear
but do try
very very hard
and stop imagining
start dreaming
stop crying
and start smiling
and dont give up your job!
and dont be afraid of anyone
Im here for love
To try love who i am
And what im doing
I seeno point in running
Running
And not having any moment to breathe
To identify
To truly love
I am a time eater
Suddenly gobbling it all up and not eve feeling full
My time is expanded useless
And scattered
I am unable to sharpen my thoughts and manifest truth
I feel scared
Because
All i want is to be someone
But am worried this will never happen
What happened to that girl tough and smart
Not the one she thinks she is
The one that is
I miss myself
I miss who i am
I miss my role in life
I miss having identity and lmeaning
And worse i miss being right
Not always in the wrong
I dont know what to do
am blue....
ate all those... and now i dont see you
feeling the start of bad luck
or my faults pain
feeling like hes gonna hate me and him too
promises
broken
lost
sad
all what i didnt want to feel
ads for Ramadan are here
and I am not even in existence
Where Is ALLAH to me
well if it wasn't for my big mouth
i might just find him
and you....
its M& T now
but hell never forgive me
here i am splattering my anger and looking like an evil monster
hating who i am
he
did not make me this way
and so i dont deserve
but this is not what i want to feel
breaking his heart
and yet he buys megold
feeling lost and gittery
too much tea
or incorrect hormones?
feeling stretched
in all the wrong ways
this is not what i want to do with my life
worry
be lazy
be unahppy
be unhealthy
see she lost her life in an instant
and now she just has to dream about it a wonder away
and i
push it away
happiness and making my own luck
push it away
What it is...
I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
