Monday, November 29, 2010

Falling from Grace, thinking it's Love

I wonder

I Wonder what it takes to love me

I mean to melt all the crevices within me

to chocolate divine rubble existing from lavish taste

of internal bliss



I try and imagine

What it takes for my destination to explore radicles of caramel

exploding from heat and darkening under the sun

the glamorous distinction between tempting soul and sweet remedy



I think about how many midnights it will take

or how many cheesecakes can i make

or cakes to sift and bake

until i feel loved

until I see my life as mine
until I feel my heart is divine

for hte one to taste it first
Is within me
Is devilishly broken bits around me
yet angelically whipped to torment me


to be continued....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hey boy, I realy want to be with you.....(un discovered Love)





Turning every bit of detail in my mind

I come alive in the night time

Thinking about our time



I dream in your magnificent ways

how fantasy delicately sways

but dangerously plays

..... hey boy , I really want to be with you

cuz your just my type



I dive in unrealistic melodies

consuming loves and ecstasies

come try me

come find me


I surrender

to every word you whisper

dramas flicker

how you're tender


I will let you in

like a beautiful sin

nothing wrong

everything right

but nothing right

and all is crazily wrong



baby you got me

so unbalanced

tarnished but new for you

young and born for you

Hey boy I really wanna see

if you can be downtown

for a girl like me


lost but alive

broken but strong



hey listen,

I will dream forever of you

and i Know it will come true


Ive been trying to work out

what it's all about

way past the point of losing my mind

Love i find

for me

is

yet

un

discovered

but holding

un

used

but stored

un

spent

but expensive

un

told

but

curious

un

met but

cherishable

un

expected

but

pending

un

changed

but

always....





Monday, November 8, 2010

DO NOT LET YOU LIVE WITHOUT YOU

STOP this madness

every day is a newd ay
and everything you have done
is a good process
to move on
to become the better person

if you feel you are rock bottom
then there is no way but up

pray
love
eat
have faith
think well
be happy
stay strong
get amazinf
feel bright
love yourself
HAVE FAITH

it is the only way u can stop any madness
any pain

...........
DO NOT LET DAYS PASS U BY
DO NOT LET DREAMS SHOWER AWAY
DO NOT LET MEMORIES GET YOU DOWN
DO NOT LET YOUR NEGATIVITIES BECOME YOUR ONLY YOUR ONE AND ONLY
DO NOT LET PASSION BE FORGOTTEN
DO NOT LET GOD BE FORGOTTEN
DO NOT LET GOD AND PASSION BE LOST
DO NOT LOSE FAITH
DO NOT LOSE EYESIGHT OF MECCA AND MADINA
DO NOT FORGET WHERE YOU ARE
WHO YOU ARE
DO NOT LET DEVILS LIVE HERE
DO NOT LET ANGELS WALK AWAY
FLY AWAY
TURN AROUND
DO NOT LET TIME PASS THROUGH
DO NOT LET TEARS MELT YOU INVISIBLE
DO NOT LET YOUREYES GET SMALL
DO NOT LET BAD DEEDS ENCLOSE YOU
DO NOT LET LOVE LEAVE YOU
DO NOT LET AGE CHANGE YOU
DO NOT LET WORK GET TOO HARD FOR YOU
DO NOT LET FEARS KILL YOU
DO NOT LET WORDS HAVE YOU
DO NOT LET RUMOURS BREAK YOU
DO NOT LET THE FUTURE SCARE YOU
DO NOT LET THE PAST HAUNT YOU
DO NOT LET PEOPLE EAT YOU
DO NOT LET THEIR STARES EMPRISON YOU
DO NOT LET DIRT GET UNDER YOU
DO NOT LET GET SUDAN MISS YOU
DO NOT LET SUDAN COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET A MAN COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET FOOD COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET MUSIC COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET THE NIGHT CONSUME YOU
DO NOT LET THE MORNING MISS YOU
DO NOT LET PRAYERS LIE ABOUT YOU
DO NOT LET THIS WORLD LIE ABOUT YOU
DO NOT LET HIS WORLD GET TOO BIG FOR YOU
DO NOT LET THIS WORLD GET TOO SMALL FOR YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR PLACE LIVE WITHOUT YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR HOME GROW OUTSIDE YOU
DO NOT LET PAIN GROW INSIDE YOU
DO NOT LET VOICES GROW WITHIN YOU
DO NOT LET LONELINESS SURVIVE AROUND YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR FACE A STRANGER IN FRONT OF YOU
DO NOT LET ILLNESS BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET DEPRESSION BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET CONFUSION BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET PROBLEMS BECEOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT CHANGING FOR THE BETTER OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT BECOMING YOU
WITHOUT BECOMING YOU

untitled mess

God
I can't believe I chose the wrong option
I chose the one that makes me unhappy and that makes my parents unhappy


It's as if I gave my life to the wrong person
and invisible terrible feeling now haunts
its like on one hand i have everything every woman can aspire or dream of
and on the other hand I have nothing


So i choose nothing
I choose to stay home
I choose to be confused


and then confuse my parents
confuse myself
confuse others
like my heart my soul my time my memories


I think to myself I Want this and that and this and that all in 2 months
or less
and I want all the future to come to me
while i dont do anything
i just want to bake and wait for it


and then i think to myself I want to do everything I possibly can to be true to myself
I want to suceed and fulfill my destiny
MY destiny
the one that only includes me and my dreams
and not what other people want of me or what even I want of me
I know that sounds contradicting
but it does make sense

sometimes even I defect myself
wanting too much
asking too much
is tiring
and confusing
and depressing

if i stop that
and just do
what
I can
and what I want
without entries from other places

Sunday, November 7, 2010

today,....I say.....

far away

there is a day

when i will stay

with the one I dream



one day

I will pray

with the one I dream



There will be a way

where I can lay

with the one I dream



With no delay

I may

say

to him, come what may


I  sway with him

where waters meet the bay

where the shines of the ray

fall on where we play

....................................












the third option


But imagine if there was a way out
like glowing flowers and daylight
and whispering nights of paradise
imagine if there was a way out
I think I would take it
I think I would care about it
and help it grow
its hard to find the right thing
its hard to do the best
by hard I mean the second option should be the first
the third option is to die
the fourth option is to breathe
the second option is to say its hard and pretend
the first is to
break
free
from all your queit intuitions of madness
you are not
you will never be
you are lost
you are alone
you are lonely
they are all differentt variations of the same meaning
you are choosing the third option
there is always something before and after death
so why do you choose to die
to live like you are dead?

terrible imagining but true

imagine
If this was behind you
telling you to be the one you are
telling you to stop praying
telling you to start loving
sin

imagine if this was the voice
spinning through your mind
becoming attached to your soul
eating your soul
killing your heart

imagine if this the was one breaking your future
destroying your dreams
becoming your future
changing your future
arresting your time

imagine if this was the face
behind your face
behind your actions
behind your tears
behind your disasters
behind you

imagine if this was the devil
that sits and watches you
that touches you
that is involved with you
that loves you

the only one that loves you?
the only one you think is capable of loving you?


imagine imagine

untitled double dreams

i have a lot to say
nothing to do with the picture as such but everything to do with my dreams and my sadness, my love and despair
I could never see myself be in a position so lost, so down
I dont know how to get up
or is it i dont want to get up?
I dont know
all i know
is that I feel alone
with double doubt
double ugliness
double disaster
double breakdown
double fears

and all my beauty
all the beautiful parts within me
are being shattered
and withered
like broken flowers
broken times

I feel like I am a double
for a part of me is always angry
is always sad

and a part of me wants to smile and forget

all these questions turn in my head
i cant get them to stop turning in my head

its like an ungoing tornado
a lifeless form of spinning evolution

I cant stop thinking about things that have happened
things that are happening
why are they happening
should they happen
can i stop them
am i allowed to stop them
can i stay queit for the rest of my life

Saturday, November 6, 2010

and then I cook...... the beginning's of a story

The day begins with a dagger in my heart
My mind is stolen
My Soul lost in the dawn of the dead dreams
I wake up fall asleep
relax tense
pain and try in my lifeless hope
everything seems wrong
I could keep falling in this darkenedstory
I could keep breaking within my trembling possibilities
behind these walls
I can smell sense touch the anger
like
soft dews of untouchable love
beneathe the cover
I can feel the lie
the lies
as I lie still
Still


And then I cook

It begins by opening the door to the fresh saturday market
the hustle and bustle of a small city
I walk gently to fresh eggs, pink salmon, dirty leeks
everything is so fine
so simple
I buy the care and the freshness asking to return to something new


Deep inside
I cook for myself
I cook to forget
I cook to remember
I cook to love
I cook without counting
everything is correct
everything is possible
everything is beautiful

I listen to the soft fizz of oil as heat builds
boiling water bubbles calmly and I can see the salt , white with power rise and melt into the volcano ive created within
I choose the largest of the extra largest eggs
it's smooth and round hld within my fingers...

my bruised cut and tired sore fingers

close by, I cut the salmon into little pieces, the leeks into spirals

the oil is hot, hot like fire

again that wonderful blissful hiss of cooking, changing
I watch as the leeks get curly and tender, the oil breaks, the smells collapse into my lungs
I season the salmon with a hint of salt
with a push of black and red pepper
then
I begin to collect

is it collecting my feelings?
my pain?
my hostility
my fever
the white plate sits empty waiting to be used
like im waiting to be used

i place the melted leeks on the bottom the plate
they make a green soft platter of memories on the base of this story
then the pieces of now firm salmon sit plumply as the story continues
finally I shell the egg
the soft hot white touched my hands and it is like playing
it moves like a song
for i have barely let it

as I place the soft boiled egg in the centre and cut through
the yellow oozes out of its heart
the colours
Green, Pink, White, Yellow are all free now
for the story is complete
or is it?

I open the fridge and take a piece of Irish bread Soda
I let it warm through, as its rough particles soften
then i take some butter and start letting it touch the bread
soon
the bread is warm and soft and becomes another part of the family I have created



As I sit down I feel like the most professional woman in the world
not for just having made this
but for having created a masterpiece from within me
made with all my intentions
all my emotions
all my tastes
my loves
my tears
my memories
this isnt just a plate of food

its a plate of life
my life
my world
my time

as my world enters my body I merge with the divinity of peace
everything is now right
the taste is correct
the feeling is good
the meaning I can understand

I keep indulging into this wide open door of pleasure i have given myself
for there is nothing wrong with it
there is nothing strange about it

except it is mine

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

re- beginning


A lot of things in my mind

but only one thing is clear

I love my life

and I love who I am

and I want to help myself

not make it worse

not make it any harder

I just want to love myself




I dont want to follow anybody

just myself

I mean

no one should affect mei f I dont want them to


no more cold

for I need to thaw out all this fighting with myself


no more heat

for I want to cool all this pain ive been hiding


no more lust

for i want to hold all this passion im creating


for something big

for something great

for something amazing


even I dont know what it is

but I know its there



What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -