Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath: November 2015

Monday, November 30, 2015

Life after sanaa 3;

يا الله اسالك السماح

عالج اعصابي زي ما عالجتني اليوم

عالق قلبي الصغير

عالج حذني العميق

عالج فشلي الكبير

عالج ضعفي

عالج حياتي التي فهمت اليوم مدي حبي ليها و مدي حبي في الحياةعالجني يا الله عالجني يا الله فانا لا ينقصني شيء الا انت يا الله

قويني في حياتي قويني و خليني اكون في رضاك وفي حنانك الشفته السوم

يا ربي

يا جميل انت سعدي و قوتي و حبي و حياتي التي اعيش بها الان

يا رحمن ارحم سناء التي ذهبت الا مكان الهنا والسرور و مكان ضحكتها التي انور الحياة وكمان التي لا فيه حزن والمكان التي هي احسن وهي افضل

ولكن يا الله لا اريد ان افتقد ها

اريد ان اكون ضعيفة الشين وقوية الجميل

يا الله غير حاله كلها

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Life after Sanaa 2

Looking at the floor to find you

My heart skips a beat unable to breathe the pain

You were my beautiful daughter my sunshine my strength that i never knew would dim

You made me i made you

And now im broken

Feeling as lonely as the queitest land

I am afraid of missing u so much

I am afraid of the hurt inside me bursting suffocating

You are a lost treasure

My gem buried under the ground

My soul is with you

Dear

Sanaa

Life after sanaa 1

Ive got so much to say and i dont know how to say any of it

The day has come the moment

The ugliness of the dark and the broken dreams the expanded remorse of every single beating heart in that night screaming in pain unable to comprehend

Unable to understand unable to believe

And then there was me

Here

So far away and remembering all the little details

Like promises

Like words like thoughts

Like chocolate

Like waking her up

Like whats wrong with me

And how nothing was wrong with her

Im in pain

And im in more pain for who i am

What i am

Where i am

How i think

And how strong she was and how weak i am

Just how weak i am

Obviously

Life is completely messed up for me

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Ya Allah let it be the first like it is the first page here

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -