dont be like this

its tupid to be sad when theres no need to
look at people who have every reason to be sad and theyre
not
its poor to be sadwhen you have everything to be happy
I know that Allah is trying to help me and teach me a lesson
and i know that i am weak
but being sad only makes me weaker



im stuck in this whirling cycle of imagination and wishing
cant even see i have what i wished for and what i should be happy about
cant even see
cant even feel
cant even try
just being sad all the time


its notright
its not
and i wont be like this
dont want tobe like this

ill never get anywhere like this

Feeling... Like losing and giving up

Beautiful morning come my way

I miss writing About things that come my way 

Things i appreciate and things that i needlike a breath of 

Fresh air or a morning breakthrough

Or a prrayer ontime

Or deep henna on my hands or feet

Or maybe even a zumba class

For i realised sitting locked up on the edge of the planet 

So high from stability and quite close to danger really

I just truly didnt like who i was

And people were starting to notice

For i conducted myself in a vile embarassing manner

Each second losing

A part of me and begging for existence

And now here i am

Begging for existence inside me

Hoping that my variables will not be a limiting fActor

But this month im not going to do anything but look for red

As i kno i dont deserve this beautiful thing to happen to me

And thst my variables are just too big

My body ... Hates me

Its just too much how much damage ive done

Like how noone can make you think what u truly want to think about

My body is not thinking except what its decided

And my heart is broken

But this time

I must start again

Using an iron theme

Using a faithful background

Beliveing

Asking for forgivenes

And losing

Yes losing

And most importantly

Giving up

Dont think

Just do

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iphone_ my confidence

If i lose my confidence

I lose my world

Its my guard my security

My flavour

And my ability

My confidence

Believing i can be who i want

Do what i want 

Say what i want

And actually do all those things

And Not be afraid

Sometimes i come arrogant sometimes showy sometimes proud and those are all things am willing to change but also theyare young compared to the darkness i would encounter if i was aconfident

And yet.... I am aconfident

Feeling like am not myself

So occupied by things i have no control over until i wither

Until the things i do have control over 

Are miserably done

Sent from my iPhone

remedies 1_ true to myself

hi there....

I miss the my world shining and my life singing
I miss that beautful young lighting joy within me from being kind
truly truly being kind
imagine.....
someone dying for a baby and someone dying not to have one

I think about myself and all the things lately that ive been doing
I think about that email and about hes right - she does love me and is kind to me
and is my important person to adore and appreciate for she does fill the house and does have  a place that i need to respect and appreciate

tell me...
how would it feel like to have one
a young liveone
a small life or soul in your arms
i dont know
ive never written about it as i have love or other  things
maybe im too embarrassed to say i want something so much
i cant imagin what i would do
how i would look at it
and how i would hold them
and what they would be wearing
and how it would feel like


everything

i think about it very hard and closely and i think
will it come ?
as i have begged for other things in the past


really do i have a problem
or is my only problem that i havve a black heart
i do
have a black heart
and maybe changing that will help things

i wonder about my pains
and my miseries
my tongue and
my insanities
my true ones and my really true ones
maybe i shouldnt have spoken
do I feel better?
i dont know
or do I just have more thoughts to think about
like what is he thinking

I dont want to be like this
i dont want to be unhappy when i should be happy
sad when i should be ecstatic
cold when i should be warm
mean when i should be kind
lying to myself when i should be honest
weak when i should be brave


no
i want to be openly brave honest kind warm and ecstatic
for i deseerve to be all those things and i deserve to spend my expensive time on those and not being obsessive jealous mean cold unhappy and bitter
and worse
selfish
and worse
a complete lying to myself
for i should know and realise that that is the worse and yet easiest thing i can do to myself
and it is  the hardest but best treatment i can offer myself


to be true to myself