Thursday, March 30, 2017

Are you the best you can be?

Its not everyday ur in the silence of a hongkong night where 2.14 am seems an exciting proposal a surreal experience a breathtaking memory given by allah to me
And yet here i am with an expensive ticket and useless thought
Weak body and weaker mind
Silence here is expensive
But i continue to cheapen the time by forgetting allah
By being scared
By being demanding and persuasive as they say.

To me, a night like this is a distant memory of fictional truth. Sturdy buildings stand to uphold me as i attach to the truth of a young woman whose everything is forgotten , because she forgets allah .
And yet he is always there
Giving
Showing
Helping
Protecting
Guiding
Offering

Always there
Making things happen
And yet here i am

Worried about red instead of being grateful
Thinking of anger when i should just throw it away
I mean dont even let them onto my mind
But i am a sensitive woman
A strong sensitive woman
A strong sensitive smart woman
A strong sensitive smart sincere woman

I am also accurate in less accurate ways
Plus exciting
Plus love life

If so then. Why do i demand to stay roped up
To stay feeling tired and weak
And like i need to be this way or i was made like this
Not true
Anything you can be
Anything you can change
Habits
Old ones new ones anyones no matter how so ypu can let them travel down the path you want them to . Like this road youre on now
You can even write everyday

And imagine
You can become a better person and even a better muslim
You can be tremendous at what you do even if you are a beginner now
You can be enrolled to happiness
True happinness
Not the type you feel when youre not really in control of who you are
But the type you feel whe. U simply are the best you can be
Are you the best you can be? 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

negative woman

So many things
unbelievable
beautiful
amazing
expensive
with thought
and without
with love and without
with greed with selishness
with honesty
with behind backs
with effort and without
with trust and with lust
for things
just things
things i need
things i dont
things i must have
things i see
things I ask for and things i dont
chances
all chances
taken and not
questions
answers
that i have and not
 trying
failing
a lot of failing
 a lot of unknowns
a lot of things
that i know or not
luck
a lot of luck
that i have
i definitely have luck
despair
guilt
breakdowns
selfishness
naive
all that i have or not


here i am
just so big
with things and with cells
and with sugar
and with things
because i can have things
everything
alhamdulilah
i just have things

here i am in pain
in mind
 and in body
in questions and in answers
mind
gone blank
mind gone downhill
people dont know




how selfish i am
how unkind
how silly
how mean
how weak
how dishonest
how.... afraid
and how negative


yes
i am
a negative
human being


so negative humn being


to be continued//////////

Thursday, February 2, 2017

The forgotten iPad mini

Dear Sir
I am sorry
Rocking and being lost in the boat of abilities
Just a drama queen
A shopaholic
An unexposed criminal of emotions
Criminal thoughts of being happy
No. Restricted
For what will my red allowance help me with now
An executive order by one man is all it takes to destroy a whole lifetime of build ups
Challenges
Hopes and dreams
It all doesn't matter
It all doesn't matter
Just waves of actions and thoughts of rippling movements from lands and people you have never heard of
And it does affect you
The car parked
The wrong guy on the street

And yet when I do get chances I never try
And yet when I do get a dream I never thank
And yet when I do get a baby looking at me with those gorgeous eyes I don't think
I just melt
Her eyes
Melting my heart
My being
I am so happy
So lucky
So .... Different even when I think I'm the same
Allah gave me something he didn't give to anybody else
A daughter
And I'm so unique because of it

Yet so unresponsive to life
To questions
To memories
To life
To hopes and dreams
To things
To my things
And so I think that if I get more I'll be better
Think better
Be happier
Be stronger
All those things will not come to me
Like this

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

EMA- ( unwinding into being )

A new me
Free
Sitting unaware if now or later or vefore
Just sitting
Flat white
And i just might
Fall alsleep in my dreams
To become that woman
A woman
Right now
Any woman
I dont care
But behind my eyes
Its a lovely woman
A strong one
Easy going but dedicated and proud
And light
In thoughts and weight
Feelings not just pounds
Heavy with dedication and kindness
And a way that isnt new anymore
But hers
Life is hers
And i love it here
But i wont be here always
And breathing is always
Finding life and loving it is always
Forgetting the right things and
Believing in right things is the best combination
That combination of perfection
Within you Around u
Everywhere
Is
Just
Tamam
And eman
Is here
If i do right or wrong
Shes here
She must accept what i do and so i must be true
She is mine
And i am hers
But i am also her model her life her freedom her prison and herjoy and her smileand her tear
And i am nowhere but with her
Except i truly pray
...
Wait pray? I dont remember praying for a while
All i remember is worrying
Is forgetting the right thing
Is forgetting the honest thing
For allah is always here
Even when i am just pathetic
....
And eman doesnt deserve pathetic
Neither does momen
My family doesnt deserve empty words
Or an uncreative mind
Or broken thoughts Nd mind
They deserve the best just As i do

Monday, December 26, 2016

my faith ---- transitioning into a new me

Motherhood
welcome to a world filled with gold and flowers and hard times but also the best times
the lucky ones
yes the lucky ones
the ones not lonely
the ones who dont have it easy but also who have it difficulty beautiful
here I am
finding myself within  whirlwind of love , lack of sleep, loss of my old self and formation of a new ... me
one who is learning , collecting, believing, changing, loving, crying, sleeping... or not
some things are in the past
like my old alone self, irresponsibility and walking away
now im in love, proud, filled with a family
yes , i have a family
 i am a mother
 i am the mother of eman
a beautiful rich sudden bundle of joy who within just a miracle came
and although there are things i dont deserve
and dont realise how lucky i am
how really lucky i am
im here with my big mouth and big attitude and also big miracles
big big miracles

i never imagined these lovely days would come
these precious breaths and sounds and love cheeks and gorgeous eyes, big brown eyes and soft cry and i just feel relieved when she wakes and sleeps and that im simply not alone - nor am i unable to achieve - for i can achieve anything if i can achieve this

i am less than a month into motherhood and it feels like a blessing
but i am still in need of change
in need of finding myself now more than ever
in need of believing in myself now more than ever and ever
in need of being strong
being really really strong
and determined
so that i can give her not only milk
but joy, sweetness of health, sanity and beauty
she is already beautiful
shes more beautiful than i could have ever imagined
and i realise i made a dream come true


Mother hood is spiritual, physical, precious , hard and teaches you everything
with a bang
its learning how to do everything with one hand and having only 2 hours sleep
but its also being able to kiss those soft cheeks and hear that happy snore and feed that small tummy
and know she really needs you -
i felt it yesterday specifically - she was so hungry - she didnt even mess around like she usually does
she was just so hungry
and i thought to myself
this is need until it hurts
and i felt so sad and proud and happy and sleepy until it hurt

all i know is
2017 must be powerful
must be strong
must be no going back like this miracle of love i have
must be different
for its amazing how 9 months makes these perfect fingers and toes and ears and mouth and nose and eyes and tummy, and bottom and life - so fast - so perfect
and yet i have wasted years of doing nothing

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Turn this page- and live

IF i had to write a poem on the most important day of my life and how my life will be an how i feel
And how i know will change forever
I dont know what the words would be
How the lines would go
How would one describe their emotion or their fears
Their hopes or their dreams
Or their moments of despair or excitement
Amd suddenly the silence is peaceful yet boring
And the excitement is tormenting but pleasing
And the fears are haunting but necessary

I realise that from today
I cannot look back
I cannot think of who i was
I cannot think of what i did or how i treated or how i thought
Or how i did or did not endure life
I realise that from today
My positivity and strength and responsibility must conquer
I realise that everything must stop
So that everything can start
Amd everything will be ok
For allah is with us and i will never be i again
And even in i - i will be transformed
Will be complete
Will be just simply found
And will forget
All things and turn the page of history
For here i am
Life bringing me to this point
Of calm
Of inner peace
And yet of a storm
That i know i will pass
And the answer lies within me
And from me and by me and through me
From now on


Saturday, November 26, 2016

Lost in thought

Theres a lot going on
Good and bad
Scary and new
Refreshing and old
Within bounds and out
Losing and winning
Being thrown off guard and knowing
Believing although not deserving
loving although love is far
Censoring life although its so close to being raw
Hoping and wishing
Just not quite there
Where am i
How has life gotten me here
The young woman in the same place
In the same moments as before
Just completely different
Just completely shattered with thoughts and fears and hope and dreams
And everything in between
And nothing that is still here
Oh i dont know
I feel completely isolated
Completely un ready
Completely sad and happy
Completely heavy and light
At the same time
But my mind is unused
My mind is stolen from the natural and unnatural
My mind is the universes
Not mine
And yet everything is mine
And i remember the 2 week wait. How painful
How amazing
That am at the end
When i was always at the beginning
Always and never
And now am here
For the first time

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -