may I ...ruin everything for the sake of respect

Hello there,
IM the part of you that doesnt care about anything but respect
I cant see or hear or be anyone or anything when i dont recieve it
I want to be the best in all I am and I want to fight the world
for I am strong and legible , I am unfair but just , I am kind
but God I can also be really cruel , really really cruel
I'm the part of you that insists to never fall , to never crumble
and to never step down
even when battles are hard , and it seems a total failure
even when dramas are heated
never fall down , ever
so then why do you want to hide
why do you want to stop thinking

why do you want to cry later

because its never what i mean yet it always happens that i dont want it to happen that way
I hate myself for being so strong
but i cant understand how i can be me without it
if i was weak i would not be the woman i am
i dont give a shit about anything else
BUT ... then again
not giving a shit except a bout respect can ruin everything else
fuck this im angry and im strong
I dont give a shit
except about my respect
its all i got
my
respect
its what my dad taight me
but he also taught me to stay out of trouble
and trouble is what i put myself in today


 

may I... just start again

my life is in turmoil
I am never where i want to be
i dont know is it that im unhealthy or im weak
am i just like this or have i LET myself surrender to all  that is easy
and all that is acceptable
and not dare enter what is hard and what is unacceptable
yet

i am in the world of unacceptibility
everything i do is .... unacceptable
to me at least
i feel like

i am better than this
is life really this small that i cant get any bigger
and is it that hard that i cant get any smaller
and is it that strong that i cant bend
and is it that weak that i cant get stronger
i want to do everything
and yet i look from the window and cry
and watch the pieces of me come by and i can never succeed to catch them and fit them all together



baby..... can i just start again.. with you
talking to you
missing you
wanting you
needing you
thinking about you
being in love with you
why am I not as kind as him?
i really dont know
you said you stopped reading so should i stop writing?


to be continued.....

may I...just SCREAM at me

UUGGGHHHH
I hate who I am sometimes
nothing to the grand horse high in the field looking at the sky
nothing to princesses and queens
the royal gala of impressions and the I will not do this
because its not me
no
me i do and then tihnk later
me I say and scream and never listen
me I say and never act
just play solitair
i never pray on time
i never even thank
the one above who GAVE me
all this kindness
i
am
so
messed
uo
who am I to decide?
to say what is right?
or wrong?
who am I to believe I know?
to say I am strong or that I am not wrong
who am i to fight the worthless
or am i the worthless that i am fighting
UUGGGHHHH
I hate how i do sometimes
just rolling in life as if all i know is stable
nothing is right
and nothing is wrong
and nothing is certainly stable
you may be the one eating dates for a celbration
talking like you got it all and fishing in other peoples
celebrations
cuz you got it all
!"£$%^& loser
I hate what i say sometimes
how can i just

wake up one say and become
someone else/// or rather
become the me i want to become
kinder
better
queiter
easier
happier


god i am not happy
because i am too busy fishing in other peoples business
i dont even look at my own problems
that i keep eating
why dont i like someone else to talk to me about them
huh?
SHUT UP and DONT get in my business
but IIIII MEEEE can get in others EASSSILLY
and expect to be right
UUGGGHHHHH
I hate who I am
and I hate who ive become
I dont know who I am anymore
and thus writing anything is like getting water out of stone
i miss my blog and my writing
and praying subuh on time
and eating right
and loving
and watching TV
and reading books
and having cardemon tea at 6am
and thinking of my future and ways of love and happiness
rather than

SCREAMIN

may I.... just breathe my wrongs

What if you didnt know how long you had to live and yet you keep checking
you just keep checking for you are unsure of life and you are unsure of your methods and you
are unaware of yourself and totoally and completely lost so you try find the loss in others
expand their mistakes and delve into their attidudes all the while NEVER asking the question
what mistakes do i have?
have you ever thought what if you have 27 minutes to live
and thats all you had time for to assess your time and your life
would you say you did well?
would you say it was a waste of time?
would you smile and say just forget it all im looking forward to whats next... cuz i know it will be paradise
or will you be too scared to breathe and maybe die earlier from fear that you know heat of hell is coming
or would you be unsure
maybe all this life with its ups and downs and flaws and pperfectsions will all lead to the middle of nowhere just stuck in the sky up there somewhere in the middle for even GOD
doesnt know where to put you
istagfurallaha
or maybe your life is not worth anything becuase you didnt belive it to be worth anything
or you were too busy grading others

what if you had no chance to choose but to live the next 6 hours in darkness
just no chance to choose
just no chance
and so you find you have no place but to stay in that dark hole
of life
cuz your life is in the control of others
like a punishment
life becomes a punishment
not a beautiful thing to do
what if you cant breathe
or what if you have the chance to breathe and yet you take the option of suffucating
let me just choke in other peoples imperfections
so i can never think of my own


what if you had no way of living
really like you had no way of memorising or being happy orbeing free
what if you were single facing this world when all you dream about is to be in love
what if you got your dream but you fly by or are blind or are senseless to its touch
for you are too busy looking at other peoples fallbacks

....you are too busy ignoring your breakdowns and your problems
you cant see  the truth and you cant see how
UN elegant youve become
....................

may I ?

I dont know what to do
I dont know what to say
im just so happy
im meeting my man i dont know what to say
i feel like im reconnected to a lifeline plug
been missing it for so long
i feel like my wifi is back on or my electricity
for my whole mind and bodies electrifies with thought and dreams
Stamp I hope I look good
Stamp
after 19 hours of travel?
I dont think so...........

I want to be perfect
but perfect is a lifeless term
I want to be strong and weigh kindyl on his heart
and their hearts
and I hope Sudan lets me rent its land
and maybe one day buy
for I dream to live
I dream to explore
 I dream to question every and each corner of its mud and earth
and i dream to be vivid
and wise and clean and
memorable
and beautiful
I dream to be young and feel young
I dont want to ever stop
I dont want to ever regret
and I know i iwll only regret if I dont work hard enough
and i know I will only not work hard enough if i let the devil break me
and i know the devil will only break me if I am not faithful enough and in touch with god
and i know if i am not in touch with god then i am not in touch with myself
and i know if i am not in touch with myself
then beauty is a far far away dream

Home take me back
pelase dont hate me for missing you
and let me reunite with my creative existence
the one that you dont need so much to live  by
but you need a lot of hope
and I should have a lot of


to be conntinued

Marilyn in Hope (3)

God I miss him so much
the extravagance of his touch
and the memories in his voice
and the reasons for his choice
to choose me
God Its all my fault
I'm not strong as I thought
or beautiful as I knew
for my heart is blackened few
sins but large commands to become unknowledged
and powerless to believe
even though I am a believer
God I cant be me
for all I see, is him being locked free
I know he hurts but i hurt more
and I know he misses but all my arrows have missed
but I am the selfish crowd
harbouring cold and cloud
I dont know what Im going to wear
what if things go lost
at what cost?
will i survive?
Ya Rab , stop these ridicules in my head
I am a strong powerful sudanese woman born and bred
living slightly on the edge of life
and yet trying to always eat as much as I can from the world
wrong decisions prioritise my campaign
and the actual few right  ones I take in vain
yes no always maybe
marilyn monroe was never sure how beautiful she looked
and felt so alone even though the whole world adores her
I just want him to adore me
and to never forget me
and to forgive me


I dream into space
to think of the deepest part of me
and converse with its madness
but all i hear is nothing
and all i see are regrets
and all i see is weakness
and all i see is a weak woman
a weak weak woman
one who is ready to give up  the after for life
and the quran for facebook
and God for sleep
and  love for earrings
and time for death

slowly as I am alive

where the messers reside

Everything will work out? right?
I will be fine? correct?
We will be fine? sure?
Things will be as I want? but what do I want?
nothing will be hard- sure?
Anything will be found out the right way
Things will be clear? OK?
________________
so many questions in my mind for God the one who used to answer them I cannot hear
I feel isolated in whirlpool of agony not knowing where to start opening my pain - so many questions in my head and i don't know where to tread on this land to make it ..perfect
I feel so less perfect like a fat truck driving on the wrong direction thinking they're right
and hooting everyone at the same time
i want this and that and nothing to calm me for nothing can calm me now
because i am in the deep end without a life jacket
i am in the deep end without god
i am int he deep end without the one who gave it to me in the first place
i feel like a traitor and a betrayer
and nothing in between
i hate the way i make me feel
useless and demanding and weak
i feel so weak
and yet... a part of me screams to shut up and see the light trying to shine inside me
for at the end of the day i just want to live
and i just don't want to die each and everyday thinking about a future i cannot control
or rather a future i hav'nt asked for help in
for if god was by my side i would be ...relax
it can only go the way god wants it go so clearly this is the way
but that's not how i think
i cant think
i am empty minded
fat cells clogging my mind and clever ideas
and memory
i can barely remember my name
for i feel ..... so far away
from the planet of dreams
and the galaxy of faith
where the faithful reside
_________________________________
is my life happiness really determined by how many earrings i have?or how many more I can buy?

________________-
i find my priorities are seriously flawed


Ya Rab please find me for I just cannot find you
take of this blindfold so i can find you
Ya Rab answer the questions in my mind
and help me find
tranquility
and peace
of the faithful
Ya Rab let me be pure
not so dirty like this
and unattained to
and unqualified to do anything
and unloved by myself
Ya Rab don't let me go back to the jungle
when my head is already a jungle
Y a rab let me take it all down
all down
for I just want clean space and emptiness
so I can draw myself
from scratch


so  i hold a pen and close my eyes........