I wonder

What an ousted preseident does the next day

Sleep in? 

Play tennis ? 

Or cry? 

I wonder what she meant when she said its a little bit out of our normal routine visiting mum in the nursery home but its ok. Did she mean it is what it is or its annoying ? Is there no fear that will be us one day

All that shouting, wailing. Trying

I wonder what he thinks of my thoughts

Reasonable, annoying, dramatic? 

I wonder what i think of his

Needs me for everything ( well thats wrong for sure) 

Iwonder why he did what he did 

Buying here not there, buying this not that buying for so and so and not that. 

I wonder how smart i am  how kind i am, how good i am  how honest i am. I wonder how healthy i am

I wonder where things are and where things will go

I wonder where things need to be and how calm can i be

I wonder how hard will it be to really relax and find calm and peace these next two weeks

And how calm i canbe no matter what 

I wonder what i know and what i dont. What i have promised for real and what i have promised in treason

I wonder whyi careabout the news

The world news the bad news the news that wastes time and weakenshearts

The news that wastes time

Falling from grace

You see im angry at myself for so long for so much for so little done when it could all have been done. Or stopped

Its coming and im scared

So i shout and scream and just want to find peace

Although peace is not here

Im stuck 

But its hard driving elegance then coming down

Worse its hard being told. Suddenly. But even then. Its hard. And its hard being so big and tired. But its harder knowing i did this to myself

Inflammed inside

And now i have more to add 

But i have no time since i have to study 

All my failures

I feel arrogantly stupid and stupidly naive

Thinking im good when im terrible 

And let me tell you that that is true

In all cases

Of life

And here i am in someone elses role trying to fit in when i cant

I have to be supervised it seems and i have to be given out to like achild and even sworn to 

But i have to accept because some is true and other parts are not but i have to accept because 

Because the embarassment is too much from my side 

He wouldnt let me touch him or even look

Thats the lack of trust he has

But that is now the same for others

No trust 

So he opens his books and comes supervise

An old lady 

A blind spot

Or six

He who makes a mistake once is intelligent but he who makes it twice is a fool

I am sad

Not at anyobdy but myself

For not seeing my faults before others point them out

For not seeing my failures before they consume me

For not taming my anger for not trying hard enough 

For being scared all the time

For letting disease getting in the way. 

For letting time get in the way 

For being a crappy mum 

No love

Me

One act 1

One day iimagine u wakke up and life really does change forever in the most horrible wsy. 

But here is the thing you did that. You simply took your life and threw it away 

And then others anc even family

Its all over 

You will never go to a party or eat where you want or go to the next big movie or buy clothes or shoes or go to university or go to france or have children

End of part of 1

Half

Half the year

Today is 30th june. Tomorrow is second half, like a browk relay race ive only just arrived

Bigger than the biggest elephant yet smaller than the smallest pearl

I was shiny but cant see it no where

I kinda miss writing

But also praying

You see the devil has become of me 

And now im messing

With the wrong thing

Things 

Trying to be good

Trying failing

Tommorow is the seocnd half of the year

An empty page

But like all these things 

The start for two secondsthen its over

Fat

Do u know sometimes i eat a big giant choc triple cookie with a big dollop of nutella

About a 1000 calories on a 120 kilo same size gorilla

Im being mean on purpose

Im being horrid to myself just like ive been horrid to myself

Summary what happened these last 6 months 

Everything

Nothing

Bigger bigger bigger

Its not this its that

You see the thing about worry is its naive

Lost in its own translations 

Here is one worried about this when its that

Thinking about this when its that 

Believing this when its that

Not worrying about something when i should be! 

The hottest toaster

Ive ever seen was in  paediatric staff room not allowed but as a parent i was hungry having slept on a side chair all noght. But i was vague and not sharp and so it was very very hot she said

But not like my heart or my dreams or just me being difficult or too unfocused

Oh how i wish i thought things through 

Although i usually do 

Too much 

Too much 

Too much 

Broken is the way 

What do i say 

Stay queit or move

I want to help 

I want to change

I want to be strong

But she doesnt care

She doesnt think of me as i think of myself

But then i cant let it go

I am 

The strongest woman with the lowest self esteem i believe. And the most confidwnt with the wildest anxiety

Its hard

Being me

But its harder those around me

Should they love me?

Should they not?

Should they understand or should they not?

Why and why 

Ami here

In a small comsultation room being little boss in a place 2 hours from home thinking about the day my toast burnt in the hottest toaster id ever seen

Powerhorse

Keep going dont be stop dont give in 

Challenges for you meet you

Brace yourself for you are the wall 

Against the wind

For you have the power and you must horse through

Dont cry mama

Dont fear

Try harder

Use less

Think more

Less screen

More yoga

More water

Less soda

And snacks

And salt

And more crisp walking not inside

Dont stay inside

In your heart or mind or legs

Dont fear

Be here

Be near to the hardship 

Cover your face dont slap and walk through

It will be hard - boy it is

But never give up 

Me