Thursday, May 5, 2016

Dear Allah _ thank you and I am so happy

Dear Allah
no matter how much i thank you
it is not enough
not enough power , not enough words, not enough kindness within me to convey truly how much kindness you have given me
there are not enough ways i could begin t cover my gratitude and all the happy feelings i'm feeling
whether they're right or wrong
justified or not
i could not thank you enough for your love
for your kindness
for your trust in me
for not making me in that percentage
for helping me and fixing me
and changing me
and helping me to change my heart
Dear Allah
I thank you for your offerings
and for your blessings
for your promotion and for your true heaven that you have instilled upon me
Dear Allah
there's nothing wrong with being happy
theres nothing wrong with loving your gifts
with feeling proud and happy
with feeling kind to yourself
with feeling like
yes i do deserve
yes i can have
yes I can feel all the things i wanted to feel and all the things i wanted to have and all the things i yearned to dream can come true
all from Allahs giving
and miracles to me
i am so happy
and i am not going to be afraid of being happy
am not going to be inconsiderate of my feelings
or my experiences
whats been is been
whats happening is happening
and am going to live that
with every happiness in my soul
Ya Allah
I just cannot thank you enough
and i cannot thank you truly and honestly for all the beautiful things you have given me
thank you Allah
thank you

Thursday, April 28, 2016

turning mad

Hello there
you are a fool
not knowing anything about your turmoils you only add some
here you are today
super in your dreams
and yet you want to be unhappy
you want to be sad
you want to be worried
and yet
allah gives you success
gives you fresh days
gives you a promise
gives you a chance
but you dont take any of that
you just like to take the trouble of the devil
that evil friend around you
telling you its just not going to work
and so you cannot enjoy
cannot believe
cannot fathom
cannot prevent pain coming to you
you are wrong

you are driving yourself into misery
and you need a new way to exit this madness
for really you re turning mad

A bad thought of selfishness

Ya allah 
Forgive me
For i have made so many bad thoughts generating from my stupid evil brain cells that i deserve to have nothing
I deserve nothing
But i ask u to forgive me
For i am weak 
Weaker than all 
The weakest
Feeling so easily tempted to think these bad thought
Ans these bad ways
And these selfish moments
But u are kind ya allah
You are most forgiving
Forgive me 
Ya allah
Im sorry for the first thoughts that come out of my head
Please dont punish me for them 
Please dont take your good because of my bad
Please dont hate me because of my evil ways ya allah ya rab

Monday, April 25, 2016

re: everything about me

you have to throw this waste away
if you feel better , then you feel better
if you feel bad, you have to realise a lot of it is in your head
if you feel lazy you have to remember all the energy that got you here in the first place
if you feel down, you have to remember how long youve been waiting for this moment
if you feel helpless , remember you are helpless
except to pray
if you feel weird, then try compile a new system to feel
if you feel impatient, then remember the time will pass either way
and remember fanta
theres just no need to be impatient
remember the trust in the way the world works
if you feel sick, remember the deaths of others due to their sickness
if you feel wicked , remember the angels around you and within you
if you feel tormented with fear, remember their is no fear greater than allah
if you feel lost, remember how you can find yourself
if you feel taken by life and swirling in difficulty, remember a new experience will always be hard
dont make it harder than it already is
dont make it difficult for yourself
dont make it strange for yourself
dont make it a horrible experience
dont make it a broken experience
dont write your own fate
let it be written for you

..... and live 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

feeling not myself

my biggest fear
my biggest weakness
believing in that loss
my biggest misunderstanding
my body
I dont know how to react to my body
my biggest miscommunication
my happiness
my biggest disaster
my troubles
my mobile
my readings
of everyone elses fearsm weaknesses, misunderstandings, miscommunications, disasters and troubles
 I wish i was dumb
I wish i didnt know anything
I wish  i just didnt care about anything
I wish i wasnt so clever
cuz im just not clever
I wish i wasnt so lost
i wish was reassured not mechanically
but through my soul
I wish i wasnt so tired from the heart
I wish i was kinder to myself
I wish
I wish
ayamun ma3doodat
so how are you going to count them?

The flat woman

I got to feel better
Its not going to work like this
Am a mess
Am a train wreck
A broken fool
For the devil to walk on me 
For the blackbirds to poo on me
For the screams of fear to echo on me
Its all a bad effect
The result of poor eman
The result of nothing inside me
The result of all the ropes ive let go of
The result of all the words i havnt read and the commitments to allah i havnt finished
And yet hes still kind and honest to me
Imagine giving a million pounds just to someone
Even if thatperson wasnt good or even if they were even bad
Wiuld u 
But allah gave me
More than a million pounds
No wonder am a plane crash of a woman

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Ya allah- priceless is worth a lot

Dear allah
You chose me
Thank you for your timeless gifts
For ive been waiting
And you didnt forget
And you didnt delay
Although i dont deserve
And now here i am
With a priceless gift
And suddenly i dont care abiut black dye being the epitomy of beauty or deepened flowers and the whirl of expensive and troublesome things
It just doesnt matter i cant stand the difference
For i feel different and i look different 
Love is in my body and all my hopes and dreams
So i dont care abiut the blacknesso f flowers and the twirls and twists of a simple story 
I care about the big story
The one ive been waiting for

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -