Thursday, July 28, 2016

Echoes in my mind_ the lost woman

Here I am
exactly where i want to be
and better
but not kinder
but not grateful to myself
clogged up inside with feelings of ...
I dont know how to untangle them
is it weirdness
is it fear
is it loss
is it the questions unanswered
or the feeling
is this really happening to me ?
just like the office or like the miracle inside or like the work or like the man or like the everything
that im so lucky to have
Allah is with me and has given me and has never been stingy with me
yet I
am bitter
I am lonely
I am lost
I am crowded with everything but him

Monday, July 18, 2016

its not to late to say good things

its not too late to feel really happy
or to feel really proud
its not too late to feel smart
or to do smart
its not to late to be kind
and to say kind things
to let go of aggressiveness within you
and not let people or things agitate you
its not too late to be strong
to be wild but to be behaved within yourself
to respect your choices but to not cave under them
its not too late to be pronounced with gladness
to be understanding of the situation
to believe in Allah
its not too late to be ok with who you are
to forgive yourself
to change for the better
not change because you feel worse
its not too late to be presented
to take care of yourself
to love yourself so you can love others
to truly be patient
and be kind
its not too late to be mindful
to be hardworking and to be adamant
its never too late to be wondrous and glamourful mentally and physically
its not too late to be you
before you are two ....

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Questions for self.....

  • Do you complain? All the time or just sometimes?
  • I complain all the time ... always I see the wrong in things and i try to make it like everything is breaking me ...
  • Do you often discuss what’s wrong in the world more than what’s right? This includes the ‘terrible’ weather, ‘horrible’ traffic, ‘idiotic’ government, ‘lousy’ economy, ‘stupid’ in-laws, etc.
  • yes - i cant stop thinking about the bad people in my life or the bad things they do or even the bad things good people do in my life and of course... the bad things i do and the badness within me 
  • Do you criticize? All the time or just certain people?
  • all the time .... most people and definitely certain people - im always angry
  • Are you attracted to drama and disaster (can you unglue yourself from the TV when there’s a news story of a disaster and can you avoid getting involved in the lives of dysfunctional celebrities?)
  • yes, no and no - im always on the breaking news and going on google to see the random faces of people died or murdered and always spend forever on msn just reading about celebs 
  • Do you blame? All the time or just certain situations?
  • i blame whenever i can - i blame myself , i blame whoever is responsible i blame people yes
  • Do you believe that you have no control over most of your results?
  • at the moment i do i used to be strong i used to believe in myself and work hard and never giveup but now im just a pathetic scared fearful thing 
  • Do you feel like a victim? Do you talk about people doing things to you?
  • yes - i feel like am a victim to the world to sudan , to bad things people or annoying things people say to me ... they always say mean things to me theyre always out to get me 
  • Are you grateful for what is or will you be grateful when things finally start going right for you?
  • ive waiting for as long as i can remember for something like this to happen,i just did not imagine i would act like this. now its here im a completely ugly person . the exact same things i did when i got married. i just stopped being faithful
  • Do you feel like things are happening to you? Or do you feel that they are happening through you?
  • happening to me. im feeling like the world is toppling on top of me 

Monday, July 11, 2016

Lost in nothing

Here i am... The angels around me... But they break with all this unnecessary hurt im giving them ... And here i am tarnished when i should glisten and here i am in despair when i should be so thankful and here i am in fear when i should be in calmness and here i am in trouble when i should be strong and meaningful and here i am in weakness when i should be in beautiful control and here i am in sadness when i should compare and here i am in madness when i should understand it all and here i am in lonliness when i have the best and here i am in ugliness when ihave all the beauty and here i am in total confusion when i should simply be ... Present 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Friday joy... A new start

Friday chapters
New feelings and born ideas and strengths
Friday beauty in its peace offering
Its honesty within those hours of calm
Of subtle work
Friday quench of all the weeks trouble and divine chance for making a miracle
You
Friday existence
Always a proud honor to be a part of it
Adding more
Adding new
Adding something
Something
Changing something
Making something
Believing in yourself and in your goodness
As i start this friday i think 
All i want is to be obssessed with myself in the healthiest happiest of ways


Thursday, May 19, 2016

Dear Allah

DeAr allah
Thank you for your treasures
For your secretive hidden ones that are hard to  find
For your  processes that bring me happiness even though i am not worthy and selfish 
But i know that i am a good person and that allah is there for me... To forgive me
And dear allah ... I thank you for your kind gifts Nd your expensive gifts
Your moments of hardships that give me those everlasting happiness
Ya allah
I ask your forgiveness
Your joy
Your situations thT teach me
That bring me sucess all from your patience
Ya allah
Forgive me
And bring me closer to everything healthy amd good
Ya allah 
 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Me i just want to be me

Why do i love the house of angels that dont love me? 
I love their space, their tries and cleanliness that suceeds., their good thinking and healthy yumy delicious sexy food, made with the upmost care and love 
So much love you can see flowers breaking free with joy dancing around the house
Floating above the faith
Releasing joy and happiness and strength wherever they go
I love their garden
Filled with identity and questions being answered
New things
And nice things
And pretty things
And things thought of and dreamt and hard work paying off
I love their pigtails and their toobs that are fresh and plain coloured
Wasnt that my idea? 
Just like the strawberry smoothie
Also my idea
So why does it feel a million times nicer at their house
It doesnt feel like the world at their house
If feels like discipline is easy and beauty is sound and everyrhing is possible or impossible and it feels like a palace

And then i look at my own home and i think 
I am a lovely person maybe more than them 
I am a clean person i am an imaginative person
A modern and exciting person
And so i deserve credit for my own home
The one my family built and the one that ive been living in... Happily, calmly, sweetly, kindly and honestly i do love more than anything
But i want to improve 
I want to merge my own greatness with theirs
My own imaginations with new ones
My own explorations with theirz
I want to mix my life with the goodness that o see
The role model that i want to reach
And i only want to go forward
Want to reach somewhere 
Want to be somewhere

For i am in the middle
For i look at a house like this one
Once something now just nothing
Worst than nothing worst than evil and worst that pain
Just scarecrows and blackbirds
Just black clouds and rotten things rotten  rotten things and rotten feeling
Really that apple with worms inside
With complete failures and complete devil  employment
This house is a manly gross monster
Like a broken down hotel with no identity
Just a bunch of people living together
Trying to make something of themselves
With the ugliness thatthey have
No flowers here
Just bats hiding in the trees and misery blowong in the air
This place is maddening
And yet

Here i am comparing some partsofme with some partsof it
Yet alwayz i come back to my dreams
Look forward to the place i want to be like so much and that is...
Me

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -