Monday, October 17, 2016

M&A... so in love , so out of touch

For from the moment he walked in through that big door my whole life changed. It grew. It surpassed all my love and expectations. He loved me for who i was and i knew that my heart was his. For he was perfect. Perfectly sweet . Perfectly kind. Perfectly honest. And he was mine amd he was mine forever and i just dont even know how to begin being thankful. And now here i am  a part of him like a flower growing and i just want to cherish it and water it and nourish it. And i want to say to Allah
Whats wrong with me? Why am i like this? So far away from my faith , from the goodness you have given me. I am sorry. Please help me and save me for i just dont deserve
Dear allah
This time i want to do everyrhing differently
Like become in love with faith again
And i want to not worry about things
Except those of the mind
Like beauty in knowledge and love and health

For i have done things a certain way
And now i want to do them differently

Ya allah you are my love
Faith is my love
He is my love
She is my love
They are my love
My family
And i just want to be a family
I want to be with him

For he makes me melt
Makes me love so deeply it hurts
Makes me cherish my breaths and who i am
Makes me glow to the whole world
Makes me connect
Makes me disastrously sweet
For i taste his love and its like the only thing i need to have
I love him
And i love m and a

But the a , i has changed
Its become ... lost
So lost
Like a fragrance gone wrong
I am so lost
And this is the time to believe
For i have lost believing in myself
And now i know
I cannot move forwards without changing that
Without being that woman that
Is the fragrance of time elegance and strength
And most importantly
For i know i can be better
Do better
Think better
Want better
Even have better
And i know there is so much more out there for me than a small office and a purple laptop
And its time to figure that out

To be continued

Saturday, October 1, 2016

M&A- am ready to give

Ive got so much to say
Its nowhere near how i feel
Like all these raw beautiful emotions 
Turning me into something i need to be
And all these intricate ways making me something else
For he is better
And i feel fear
And i feel happiness
Ans i feel everything i should and shouldnt and its all that i am 
But theres still so much more
And so much else
I love his arms
The warmth and the pride
The honesty
I just dont care about anything else
Except all thats to do with him
And i miss him terribly 
Even when hes gone for a few hours
And i feel this 
Deep ache when i do something without him
And i feel like im flying 
When i do everything with him
And i do everything for him
And my tears fall when i think of his eyes
They glisten they turn around with truth and kindness
And i love his smile
And i love his ways
And i even love when he makes me mad
For it only makes me forgive him more
I just want to be with him
I just want to be there for him
And i just want to be the goodness he needs
The sharing of my heart with his
And im ready to share everything with him not just me
But what i can make and what i can give to him
The life that he needs and is waiting for 
Im ready to give

To be continued

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Indian jasmine

Theres something calm about a chaotic house
When u cant hear but only your troubles
And the whispers of damaged things
When you cant understand why you dont fit in 
Or why they dont like you
Although honestly you do love them
Admire them 
And love going to them
But they probably only dont like you
And theyve never come visit
I wish maybe upon too good a things
Like very good things
I dont even know i deaerve
And if i open my heart there are only wild untamed flowers in there
And dry leaves and maybe a soren of help 
And turmoil
For i am the bad manager of my life
And i am the dissapointment of myself
I am the angey of my sorrow
And the pain of my disasters
I am my own never after
And whenever i go to the angels that dont like me i think
Maybe im just the devil i cannot see
And because of their pureness they can
My insecurities fall and tumble in their garden and my shame i sip in their orange
Today i felt worse
Like they didnt even ask me how i was
And that my mum was a poor cook
I know im exxagurating
But i really am not my emotions
I always feel simply... Broken when i go
Like i have no goodness
Like i have no emotion
Like i have no life or worse that what i like what i want and what i feel they will always hate 
They will laugh at my judgement always 
And they will laugh at my stupid choices
For they hate indian jasmine trees
And i .... Dont
And theyll never come visit me out of the soulfullness of their love for me but i ... Will
And theyll never want to have anything to do with me but i ... Always will i guess
Cuz im weak 
Like ill never wake up for subuh or ill never finish stuff i need and ill never ever be the womqn i truly want to become
And now here i am ridiculing myself
Trying to open myself bare and its just too sore
Trying to open myself to know and its just too wild
Who am i really? Where have i come from and where am i going? 
Do i really deserve all these good things
Or dont i? 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

So angry

Am just so angy
So bewildered at this evil inside me
So frustrated
So unhappy all of a sudden
So lost
So in Denial
So weak
Am just sp angry that im this ugly
This mean
This unproud
This super highly agitated woman
So in turmoil
In destruction with myself
So tormented
Am so angry 
Just so angry
Just so so angry

Monday, August 15, 2016

No european thoughts 1

Feeling low
Feeling so bad it doesnt even matter anymore
Or does it?
That traumatising feeling i got walking away with a pass knowing i deserved it but didnt want it
I dont want it either
I dont want this pass life
Just this undedicated thing
Just this loss of time
Cutting into it like knife
The good
And feeling the bad taste all the time
All the way
Unpromoted by myself
Like she said!?
Thinks too much of herself
And when i was good when he told me i was excellent
I fell down
Maybe its my arrogance?
Maybe its my devils
Maybe its just me

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Lost under the rain

Am i selfish? Am i proud? Am i ignorant?
I dont know
But i know i can be kind when i want to
Although its becoming harder and harder
I know ican be tough when i want to
I know i can be rough when i want to
But i know i can get confused when i dont need to and lost when there are other choices
Like waking up at 5.45 am when i could have and not 6.35 
It made a difference
I know i can be difficult but i can also let go
And try again
And learn frommy mistakes
All simple
My lifeis easy
Allsh made it kind and easy for me
Hemade it challenging and worth so much
He made it kind and he gave and showed me kindness
For i dont have to think about how much a dozen items of ironing costs
I just throow
And i dont have to worry about things that i see others always worry about
I sit here hapPy proud strong lucky and honestly 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

suddenly 1

Sometimes stories hit you smack side on the face
and you suddenly feel numb and simply... stupid for thinking the way you think
and being the way you are, and feeling the way you do and doing the things you do
sometimes you read a line and it affects your whole life
or you see a picture and it shatters your whole past
into  meaningless bottomless pit
filled with wasted time, disorganised efforts, and unthankful moments that you spend just living
not knowing


sometimes you just sit there and wonder in awe about the woman looking back at you
who is she?
who was she?
what was she thinking?
how sweet?
how sad?
how lucky?
how .... unaware you are of peoples pain and stories , of life's miracles and tragedies
or leave the world and concentrate on you///

what are your miracles and tragedies
what are your concentrations and dilutions in life?
what are your stories and efforts, dramas and nobilities
or ugliness that you live by
what are your thoughts
what are your complaints and what are your strengths
that may be weaknesses in the hiding
and your weaknesses strengths in the hiding
what are your life earth moving moments
a kick?
a turn?
a roll?
a love?
a patient moment
a lazy life?
filled with
I am a good person and Allah knows so he continuously forgives and i get away with it
just like i simply ... get away with my life , every little step of the way
no living ,,, just getting away with it
and suddenly you read a story where there was no getting away with it
and yet there is surrender and beauty and pain and torment within me all at the same time
for you cant help but look at the bigger picture
that is so painful and yet so beautiful
and my heart just cries and melts at


for i am also painful but not beautiful
and i am so lost it hurts
and i am so far its blind
and i am so cold its white with black in my heart
just a dunk of ice where arteries and veins are
and yet i live, i breathe , i hope, i imagine, i pray...

do i/ pray/?
is that praying?
is that really what being a good muslim is?
being a good person is?
being dedicated is?
the anguish inside me is from all that emptiness
the feeling that my life is not worth anything
that i never deserve
and that i am just waiting for the worse
and yet
Allah always gives me the best
and i am lucky
luckier than a lot of people
luckier than a lot of things
but not luckier than who im really meant to be

to be continued...

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -