Wednesday, October 7, 2015

(1) start by..... admitting that I am un - me

That things need to change
that your suffocating within the mirrors of LED and scrolling
that your phone and facebook and all the things that are normal and beautiful but you use till intoxication are ..... breaking you
like virus computer filling your empty healthy space inside and anything that should work normally
has to attach with them through them
Ifeel like i was born with my phone
if that waas the case it would be ok but Allah did not give us a phone to live with and therefore it should not be a crucial part of my existence
being with me in my darkest and brightest of times
in my important hours and in my dreams and thoughts and fingertips
as if there is nothing else to hold or to be with
nothing else to own and cherish but ..... a few applications
my eyes tremble
my fingers tremble
my mind is like a scattered mindfield
unable to hold any information
or any drama for that matter
for if its not my phone
its my games on computer
playing ...mahjong 
which is just so wrong

for playing cards and matching will never suffice

I admit that im wasting my time, my health, and all my efforts to things that do not deserve
and that which do deserve
i ignore like the plaque
as if i shouldnt do them
as if i just do them in the bare time
in the most concentrated time
like its not my responsibilty
not my time
not my day
not for me

I dont know what I care about

I admit I dont know what I care about, what I need or what I desire
life must go on
does my work directly relate to something else but me or should it all be me
hasnt God given me mind and thought to think and dream for myself and not for others

dont I have the chance to be here
instead of there

where are things going if I stay like this

everything unimportant thatis important and everything important that is unimportant

My work is my work
and my dreams are my dreams
and my goals are my goals

why dont I see that
at 28 years of age I think ive accomplished a great  deal

why dont I see that ?
but maybe if Allah has written for me
at 32 or 35 years of age
what would i have accomplished
I remember working so hard for things
I remember actually wanting things
I remember trying and hoping
but I dont and never remember being ......this lazy
this disorientated
unable to wake up early
or is it I dont want to wake up early to avoid problems and responsibilities

I admit also that I have become faithless
I admit that so much
long are the days I cared about what Allah thought

Long are the days i planned to be kind
to be happy ,
to be happy truly for myself because ive achieved things in different places in beautiful ways

I admit that ive done wrong towards people that dont deserve that from me and that they deserve better
 they deserve my attention and my care my love and most important most important my
for if i dont give kindness to anyone I should give it to them
for they are kind and have lived through way more pain and trauma for me to understand
and worse i dont want to be in that situation
I always want to be like the angels amongst people all the time and with family and purity but I dont want to be alone
but if I see someone so alone isnt it so wrong that i should only make them feel more alone
Ya Allah samihni
Ya Allah samihni

I feel ....destructive
I feel...wicked
I feel traumatic
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel addicted
I feel like im losing
I feel unproductive
 i feel ..... un me

(2) Start by... clearing it all

You’re more than just a passing right-swipe, Pisces. And in October, you’re sure to let ‘em know that you want to be taken seriously. From the 8th on, cosmic lovebirds Mars and Venus sail together through Virgo and your seventh house of committed relationships. On the 15th and 25th, lucky Jupiter rides shotgun, making you bolder than ever about asking for what you want and need. Adding to that is the sun, which is parked in Libra and your erotic eighth house until the 23rd. You want it all now: soul mate or bust. Clear the decks of players and people who just can’t give you a straight answer. Yes, that includes all the toxic exes who pop up while Mercury is retrograde from September 17 to October 9. If you’re in a relationship, take the initiative to keep things fresh and exciting. Pick up pairs of tickets, plan parties together, take off for weekend road trips. And don’t forget to spice things up in the bedroom, too. The new moon on the 12th could bring some fantasy-fueled escapades. A creative collaboration or exciting business partnership could become official this month, too. Draft a contract to make sure you start off with clear agreements — the best way to avoid future meltdowns. The entrepreneurial bug will bite when the sun heads into Scorpio for a month on the 23rd. Have you been mulling over the idea of going back to school (even part-time) or starting a business of your own? Get on the ball with applications and development. Things could take off at a fast clip! Traveling could figure in to these plans, too. Basically, you can’t go wrong by packing your bags and exploring the world during this four-week phase. Bonus: The full moon on the 27th could reveal the perfect kindred spirit to join you on your journeys. 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

battery dead

Sometime Allah doesnt change your situation because hes trying to change your heart that solid
internal blip of beating that is a rythmic fearful proud and unpure - strong brave courageous , wild, untamed
but useless
the beats mesmerising in despair
the sound breaking in its own travels
the echoes reaching nowhere
that heart
shouting to be saved
crying to be changed
moving in the wrong direction
do you remember all that youve done
do you think its enough?
how far would your battery go?
how far would your battery live?
have you ever recharged it
unleaded or diesel?
heavy or light?

have you ever realised that God is trying to heal your heart
trying t tell you something
trying o being you closer
trying to help you
but you just dont want any helping do you?
you just want what you want
everything to fall into place
when your jigsaw puzzles are a thousand miles apart
look at you
youre fearless
but that nots completely good
your challenging
and thats not completely proud
your young
and thats not completely forever
your mistaken
and that seems to be going on always

think about it
do you deserve what you want?

to be continued

think about it
when was the last time you really studied
no wonder there is no acceptance
you are just not ready and Allah knows
dont fool yourself
your batery

has died 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ya Allah.... Give me

I know
That you will be with me
And that your love will
Protect me
And i am here always
And praying
Even if i forget
Ya Allah 
Let me have my own story
And not like anyone elses
Ya Allah
I needyou so much
And i savour anything u give me
Forgive me if i am weak 
Or i am impatient
Or i am scared
Or worse
That i am jealous
I am here 
I am here
And maybe even arrogant
But i am here
I am definitely not good
But i am definitely not bad
Ya Allah
Please be with me
I want to feel it all
Please let it be this time
Ya Allah
Be with me
And accept me
And allow me
And change me
And forgive me
Ya Allah
Please read
Ya Allah 
Give me
For i am a greedy slave 
Ya Allah

Sunday, September 20, 2015

im tired

Oh dear ... hes so bright and happy and Im just an unstable mess
my head hurts and mind wavers and wanders into emptiness
I feel tired
not like I normally aim
I feel aimless goalless
just plain tired
I feel like for once Ill never get this job
I feel pointless
I even feel big without meaning
just a heavy block of somebody walking and I just hate everyone around me
i even hate myself
i want to shout
I want to scream
im tired
and im afraid
but more importantly am angry
but its all weakness
for my anger hasnt produced anything
im still the big empty womanless, jobless woman i am
and i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me
for that was a secretarys job
not mine
but hey it doesnt matter
and I want to do things but i never do
so someone has to tell me to do them
someone has to make me do them
like a child i guess
for im just like a child
lets do this and lets do that and lets bring this and lets bring that
for i cant think for myself
at this moment in time
im tired
im very tired
and i hate myself for having it all and not feeling any of it
in this moment in time
lost and must control\?


Saturday, September 19, 2015

things change and so should you

What does one do when you feel.... on the exterior, when you feel like an outcast in you own family?
I remember days and moments I remember closeness and I think about words spoken and secrets I told
I dont know now secrets are gold I will not let go of
I feeel weak and broken when secrets come out of me now
for no one haas told me theirs
I ask myself why?
why dont they tell me their exciting promises and their acheivements?
its such a trembling question actually
are they afraid i will ruin it ?
am i at a lower lavel of family then i thought for htey have put me amongst the common family
are they so happy about their progress they want to make sure it rocks me when I find out ?
are they afraid i will jinx it foor them?
ask too many questions

the summary is the same.... they feel it is none of my business

and that hurts
and strangely it is devastating that i never felt like that before towards them
always excited to tell them my news I was

now its a gift to hide things
I feel .... like life changes
and people change
I change and my emotions change
that closesness you think you have with someone develops int o something else
you have to fight it
and you hav e to break it
that feeling of closeness you think you have for

they even are not afraid to tell you

I forgot you

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Feeling never good enough

Feeling down 
Feeling like ive won the battle but not the war
Am i selfish
Am i gentle
Am i a strong one
Am i bitter
Am i honest
Thus like to be honested with
Am i heart
No mind
Am i all emotion
No good feelings
Am i happy
Am i just a fool
Am i a queen
Or am i a slave?
Am i protected
Or am i disconnected
Am i broken
Or am i lost
Do i wish upon a star
Or do i wish all weong
Is my heart like this molted steel case withiut even a key , where a key would never open this far away heart
No youd have to melt it and be careful where lava wouldnt be hot enough wouldbt be kind enough
Wouldnt be good enough
Im not good enough

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -