I try

But i dont know why

Its not enough

Always missing that sky

Of perfection 

Within myself and beyond

Even in all this effort

They say istagfurallah and ur so mean 

Minute details that pain me to the core

For the pink of tassels isnt the aim

But hey 

Ill help u 

And ur idea is show

And ur just mean 

And why are u so mean they say 

But i dont feel mean 

I feel right

I feel down

I feel tired

I feel helpless

I shud be sorting out my website

And yet every night

They win i dont

And here i am 

I try to fail

Adding and adding and adding and adding

It never stops

Maybe im not made for this

Amd yet i push myself over the edge

Different reasons

We have the same second earrings 

And different cars with the same strengths

Black and white opposite reasonings and in the middle the poorest

Fit

I stopped the help for different reasons but i am able to make treble

I worry about the reasons of covering head for others theres no time to mend

In the eyes of glazed i clean the ok

And i make money off the pain amd the subtle energy of im boss

And ur not lingers in the day 

Calm my monster accept myweakness itswritten

Awaiting trial i am afraid and weak 

And strong at the same time wrong or right 

I never know

Forcing happiness and now numbness

I am not calm 

Of course the others dont do like some and some dont do like others 

I feel like i dont want to talk or listen but i do want to invent

 

Wanting something u never knew

Then it becomes lingering inside and out 

U buy green kicrowaves when decisions havnt been made

Nothing formal

All inside

But everything so close ans yet so far

Really does make me sick

In my heart aches sort of way 

Not sure what i want

Or need

My sanity of course and somw patience on the side

Wiuld be great

Lingering trying

Having not

Having what 

Having here

Having close

Waiting

People poking u 

With words stares and dares

Phonecalls useless

Absolutely useless and time machines working

I hate this

But i hatemyself more

What is my linger

What is my situation

And am i at fault

Of course im at fault

And now im trying to save the situation

Well

No save

No crave

Just wait…

It really hurts

When u come home from work and he goes upstairs

No in between

No im sure

No i care or dont

I want or dont

Just

Distance

No knowing

No understanding

No clarity

No me no him 

Just the stairs

And soon we might  not even have a stairs

So where will the running be  now 

Youll just have to jump!

Or stay 

Or avoid

God im scared

Can i do this

Is this the right thing for us for me

Am i ok 
What is going to happen
Who is correct and who isnt
My anxiety or my reality
My anxiety or my thinkingprocesses For me its clinging on for others its madness
I had to say no to tomoro and friday 
Wish i cud
But where is the money working for someone else
?
I 
Feel
Sad
I wish leanne didn't finish 
Me like
Me dont like my pain of rejection
And the fainting adrenaline inside

You dumb goat

I want to scream 

Starbucks cannot be enough the black bucket of caffiene inside my veins

I want to scream

Holding hands

Calm 

Laughing yet 

My heart beats uncontrollably

I have no control really

This strong inflatable woman 

Yet really legs pressing voices agonising

People misunderstanding

Anxious they say 

Manly they say

But weak i am

Lost i am 

My branches coming out like malformed genetic hybrids

I look and do as  mum 

But its unmagical

I want to acream 

Love love love

The type that walks in hotels crisp of the edge of wanting something never found never known 

The heartbreak shines of her eyes the ones that fall after she thinks its all over but her heart burns in agony… for all of that

And then the type that makes men press on the pedal of their bmw faster harder to reach… her

Just to see just to be

Just to 

Make me feelempty ashe gets his  coffee and goes upstairs

Things ill never try 2

Bungee jumping and staying queit

Making this ache real

Swaying in 7 stars 

Not by me

And others by 

Things ill never try

Size 8 dress and size 5 shoes

A 7 stsr hotel or finding the right clues

To mKe it right

A normal heart or a new start

In things ive failed

A bmw 

That i can call mine

A new house thats fine

Being second

Being round with perfection

Being the me i wished

Being felt

By millions

Being another kind of mum 

Ill never try being another kind