Thursday, September 7, 2017

feeling turmoiled

here is a woman so lostits just painful to be her
her soul inked with turmoil of failures and her mind blogged with the inability to become something
in her she was a strong one
a wild one
an untamed one but with respect and dignity
and now nothing is in her
except feelings of despair
why is so tired?
why is she so broken
the stepping ladder of peoples successes
the stay at home nothing
the go to work emptiness
because this isnt the life i imagined for myself

people lost in me - and i lost for them
people cannot define me and i cannot define myself
unable to cherish me when i cannot cherish myself
unable to become and do in the day because ive decided not to
and then they perform their life
and add me in the equation

this is not a sum
this is a subtraction
and it is not a multiplication of days its a division into falling tommorows
I am tired
I am not the person i used to be

what does used to be mean?
well a young vibrant woman of origin of strength of gials and belieifs that she can
a woman of knowledge of tries

not of this woman who is just walking around
in pain




Thursday, July 27, 2017

advice into life

here it is
whatever happened to that strength within you that escapes mountains
reads extensively
writes beautifully
wakes early
never dissolves in front of sins
never asks for more than she needs
doesnt need more than knowledge
whatever happened to love
love for yourself
true love for yourself
difficult love
asking questions
stopping the hand of pain
stopping the hand of misery
and allowing for beauty
miracles and trust
within you and yourself
you know.... thatyou do not trust yourself
and that lover , you can never just change
you can never just throwout
no
you have to ask yourself
why are you so angry with yourself
why are you so lost inside yourself
where is your energy
where is your ...things
where is you
i love living
but what does living mean to you
ask yourself
if you live the way youre living now
in a few years , years and years
what will it be
and in a few lifetimes
and in a few moments
and in a few hours
these hours that you take for granted and live your life continuously in the 1 step back method
is a devastating way to create a new you
ask yourself
are you truly happy?

or do you want more
like being positive
finding ways to be energetic
living beautifully within yourself
being at peace with yourself
yes
being at peace with yourself
for now
you are fighting
you want something but you do not take the actions to do it , instead you take actions against it
and then you cry
and then you feel flat, or full, or angry, or regret sinks in
and then you fight again
1 step back, 1 step forwards

isnt it time to say stop
ask yourself
where do you want to be in a few hours time
in a few months time
in a years time
in a few years time
in a lifetimes time
a good muslim?
in love always with momen?
happy?
a beautiful healthy energetic positive strong dedicated mother ?
a smart woman?
a kind human being?

yes
all the above
that's 6 things and 6 chapters and 6 ways of life merged into ... you
do you think facebook and watsapp and instagram and and and and is going to do that for you?
am not saying sacrifice
Im saying relocate priorities
shuffle your existence
change your methods
buy new innovations
sell old tactics that stopped working or havnt worked ever
dont lose
realise your importance so others can realise it too
stop giving advice to your daughter before you take your own advice
love your daughter enough to be the wonderful role model she needs
for there is no way you can just tell her, you have to show her
otherwise shell never believe you


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Sudan fairytale...Omdurman beauty

That time of moment you are living the sudan beauty of life
For there really is something magical about a sudanese sunset im omdurman
The simple but elegant azan of maghrib
The background of traffic wizzing by
The silence of a forgotten home
Its treasure lay dusken
Its history sweeped under the floors
Its life lifeless where there used to be and surroundings unfamiliar where they werent
Last times are a lot here but first things also
Like how eman sleeps silently across the room 
Her precious face tired yet energetic just a ticking body of faith that life is wonderful
And how a phone call swifts me into love deeper than ever before for i guess we all have to keep learning
How to be patient how to be calm how to be forgiving how to be understanding and when that happens flowers bloom and roses dance
And now the prayer calls the time is so beautiful here
In omdurman
Life is fascinating under a silent umbrella of good thoughts
And when u listen to your own voice
And when you let your feelings grow a garden 
Its ok to have bad feelings like weeds you can learn to cut them out balance them with the good
And you can have new feelings like a new colour of flower
But everything has to be watered always

That is love 

the perfect sentence

You have a tremendous capacity to bury problems deep, and you happily go through life surfing on top of them. It is true that this strategy of yours allows you to remain in a good mood. But you are never in such a good mood as to be profoundly happy, wouldn't you agree?




I would agree
I would agree am always being defeaten , always wishing things would happen, always going 2 steps back , always being in a remote area within myself
always broken 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

reshuffling

so here i am
the woman that is unattractive afraid suddenly of things people, people i dont even know
people that dont remind me of who i am and i become undifferentiated.
i
am
afraid
of strange things
like how they keep things and remember him, us and  i just dont even know them
but it makes me fearful
that i pretend i am ok when i am
but really my body aches
and my heart is probably on the road and my mind is losing cells and my knees are gasping and my ankles are breaking
i
feel
isolated
all in a room except me
all in a place i cant seem to find
am i too extrovert? that it has made all find me difficult
or am i a woman that too speaks her mind and does what she believes in for that is what i was brought up to do
or am I too introvert? so much that people dont even understand me , even the closest to me, even the ones i wished that did... understand me
give a little touch , to my life
and then there are voices
strangers
but close people can become strangers
you can become a stranger to yourself
and i ask myself
if hate can become love, can love become hate?
this makes me target pain
makes me feel unstable in my life
in my beliefs
shaken that is
lost that is
whats the point of fighting then if you can suddenly put down your swords and hug
theres no point
was it all a waste of time
or was it a lesson?
was it the right thing to do
was it hte right thing to do at a certain time or was it wrong thing to do at anytime?



if you ever find that you hate someone
like really really hate someone
ask yourself why
because i didn't
and then i realised i was really afraid
not even of them , but of my own weaknesses
more importantly ,
don't spend your time in hate
its such a waste of time
and believe in those comments such as if you hate
it is you that gets consumed in it
if you don't like it, stop, and step back
but don't start, and step forwards
without believing in yourself and what you stand for first
remember you can stand for what you believe in without hating
a viscous mistake when i didn't do
also , do not ever carry out the actions of other peoples words
if someone tells you to do something, be something, think something, only do so if you believe it
make up your mind sitting in front of an ocean, on the most beautiful sunrise, with just the right temperature and your eyes glistening with hope



Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Advice that is nice 1

Dear daughter
When someone asks you to go left and someone right remember what is in your heart
Your goodness
And then decide
You may want to stay in the middle and you may want to do something else but that is neither right or left then ...that is your choice
Remember that you will be held accountable for your actions and their words will become lifeless but your reasoning, guilt or pride will prevail
Also when you you feel you want to satisfy options that are opposite from each other remember that your life is way more important amd should be happier and healthier unselfishly above anything else
Do not let anything get in the way of your work, your family, your loves and passions and your dreams.
Dont let people bring you down
They may say
Anything
Whatever small
And if you let it, it can be a gigantic drawback to your thoughts
But do what you insist upon
However always be kind
Yes
I find anytime i wasnt kind allah did not bless me.
And anytime i wasnt kind
I felt awful
And anytime i wasnt kind i wasnt smart
Amd anytime i wasnt kind i wasnt happy
So be kind
Escpecially to those who are frail
Be it in their health their age their unwise thoughts or their fears

I know you have fears too
But those fears are your strengths never your weakness

To be continued


Am just the finger on the trigger

Theres nothing i can do to make my mum Nd dad better

But theres everything am doing to make it worse
Like a deep gash like battling against cancer like acid to the face like a bleeding body
Like world war 1 and 2 and 3 and 4

Like anger in the middle east
Like radical minds
Thats how my parents are
Ugly with each other
Mad with each other
Bitter to each other
Disconnected from each other
Angry with each other
And the worst pain i think

Misunderstanding each other
Amd here i am 
Like the shot in the gun
Like the hydrochloric acid in the acid
Like the tank in the war
Like the knife that cut and like the reason for misunderstanding
Here i am
Cant get my own life in rhythm

It really pains me how my parents are
And it pains me more to know im probably making it worse
By trying to make it better
And it really pains me my dads eyes and my mums getting older
And how she doesnt want to create new ways for him to love her
And he doesnt care if he hurts her
And she doesnt mind that hes far at mind and thoughts and it doesnt bother him that he doesnt like what she likes
Its a mess
A painful mess
And a beautiful wound
Of lovers gone
I dont see lovers no more
I dont see a family no more
I dont see happiness or communication
I dont see any of it
I only see bitterness and resentment
I only see 2 people who found themselves having to be with each pther
Almost as if they want to change it all if they could 
And maybe they tried i may never know
And i only see 2 people just 


Lifeless actions
And me the roll in the film
The tape in the recorder
The play in the dvd
I am their second generation of similar movement

It really pains me how my dad speaks about my mum and how my mum speaks about my dad
How my dad no longer cares and my mum no longer tries
How my dad is so far and my mum is so near
How my mum looks so tired and my dad tries so hard to find eneergy

It pains me that they would never think to go on a sunshine holiday together
Or that they would never invite each other out
And it pains me that he would probably never buy her a rose again or gold
And it pains me that she would never try to exercise 


Oh dear am gonna get caught
Crying in the wrong place




What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -