Monday, December 15, 2014

Eternally grateful

I am very grateful
For everything
And that nothing is bad
Ya rab i really love you amd completely
Ashamed of whom ive become
And yet u always help me
Save me , in fact
U never let me go
Never forget me
And even though i forget u
I am detached from you
You always hold on
Ya rab
Thank you for today
For now
For yesterday
And for every single day
Thank you for the good times
And for preventing me from having bad times
Ya rab
I want to start afresh
New
Remade
Retouched
And i want to be forgiven
And never ridden ... From your love

Monday, October 27, 2014

Monday browns

Sitting in a tiny cafe on a tiny hilly street where i suddenly remembered to come here because i wanted freedom and iwanted ties the freedom of knowing all tasting trying having knowing and the freedom of exploring but the ties of someonetelling u this place is good or the ties of trying something before u go ... And i am going soon
It doesnt feel soon
But it is
For today could be a last monday
Brown monday 
Bitter cold
For my capuchino looked sexy as hell but was definitely cold
But isnt life
Is t it all
The times u do get it the way u want
Steaming hot
Cherish it
Love it
Enjoy it
Cultivate it
I have spent
A while here
3 months here
It feels like forever maybe it was
In the dusken chilly seaside town 
Where i did benefit
In the end
Built up my core right to the core
Taught myself that i am smart kind young sexy bright happy healthy alive
And certainly have potential to be who i want
For i was what i wanted here
New
And old
I was reminded of the way i used to be but with a twist
More responsibility
More friends
More coffee

I love who i am
I want to cherish that
I dont know why i stopped writing
Because writing is really the substitute for 
Understanding 
Maybe ijuststarted drinking cofees instead
now i want to do both - love life and happiness
Close to the end
2 more mondays until i see him
Cuz we never count the daywere in
I hope he misses me like i do
Maybe more maybe better
I hope he enjoys life with me
I hope he explores new things 
With me 
And i hope he too savors a goood coffee with me
Ya rab
I hope i close my eyes and open them and find am on that 6.18 train
For im impatient with love
And  am lost in time
And am hoping for miracles
And am tired of normality
And i am thankful for the way my life is
And am thankful that african gene is on its way
And am thankful for everything.... Everything ya allah 


Saturday, September 20, 2014

some nice thoughts.....

The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be. Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap

 Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock

 Fall seven times, get up eight.

 Promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know



Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.

 When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best.

 When it's dark enough, you can see the stars


a revalation.....

I press frantically to try get the page to open new post for I have so much kindness to say ad before it goes i have to type
I want to say thank you allah for bringing me here because i know you were kind to me and brought me where i could survive - where i could learn and where i could come to exist alone and yet with you
you brought me here for a reason and I think i know
to become a better me
to share
with you and him and others new
and to share with myself
all the details of growing up of making mistakes of being someone im not proud of and of being someone i am
I met people here that I am learning from
how to ... appreciate small things in life
like cutting up courgettes
I learnt that i am a better human being than i thought
but at times i can be devious , ugly and bitter
and worse of all////weak
i can be weak to let that horrible part of me succeed
and that sad part within me monsterise
but today i realiseed something
that no matter what
i am the better , i am good and that part always reign
i realised i dont hate people who have hurt me
i am deeply heartbroken by their actions and when i let that in - it hurts but it also soothes to know i am better than hating
i realised i can push myself to do something i am scared to do
like be there for 7 am where my heart will beat faster
i understand that i miss him deeply and all my actions hurt when im away
but i know that when i see him
i will fall in love a million times stronger and better and ...kinder


in a silent house in the middle of nowhere but near the sea ...close enough to see the water and hear the ships
I suddenly realise that i am a good muslim
that i do love allah
and that he is close to me
for the the worst of times
and the lonliest ofthem
he makes it instantly alright
i am with him and he is with me

Allah
is with me

and i am the strongest
in this alienated space
this house that is and is not mine at the same time
for this is my space
and yet when i look around i miss my samsung tv and clean linen , flowered and sandalwooded with tradiiton
i miss my red kitchen

....

I am better than who i am and who i was
and i am cleaner than who i think and
i can believe to get what i want and what i need

when god wills

I am here
i exist
and i am near to everthing that i need
no matter how far it seems

I have prayed for time to run and it will
i have prayer for things to work out and they will
i have asked for special gifts and i know they will come
i have begged to be forgive and i know that he will


Y a RAb
lets begin again



hope


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

deeply wounded

I cant remember the last time I actually vowed to do something and actually
did
it


i havnt done something in a while

i havnt been commited
or strong

and yet my dreams suffocate me
trying to explode

yes
explode

and  I still want to contain them

and yet i am here
with all this chance
I

am

 unable
escpecially today to be happy

but i am also tired of who i am


i cant believe im jealous ofwrong people

i cant believe i put myself in these danger zones

she cycles to her class

and i

dont even bother opening my praying mat on time

she is more dedicated than i am
she is more faithful than i am
in things that she does


isnt she the reflection i want to be
jsut a different edition
a better one


and the other one

cutting up courgettes like they were diamonds

and  i
just watch
wondering where the trust is coming from
where the lack of ego is coming from

i realised today im not a kind person
beginnign with myself
i realised today
i need help
but i looked in al lthe wrong reasons


i realised today


i am not anywhere near who i want or need or can be


no i
am
a pathetic woman
inconsiderate
and ...
persuasive and demanding

yes


history is true and never incorrect
and i am couched in sorrow just like on this couch
and i am

sorry for myself
deeply

deeply




Saturday, September 6, 2014

82_ Peaches....

So maybe the tables do turn
I am ...in a cleaner place
body and soul
mind and heart
sanity and music
love and movies
health and intervention


feeling like this is the only time I can be myself, the only time I can free myself 
so BED Project resumes with 82 ways

Im going to find 82 ways to breathe again
no question
statement
im going to reach within myself 82 ways and places
am going to fix myself 82 times
and am going to change myself 82 times
am going to listen to myself like ive never listened before
and am going to breathe better 82 times
am going to change 82 times and 
come forwards in my dreams
am going to anticipate and plot 82 times
until

I reach 82


.................




 

Friday, September 5, 2014

just like animals....

we go we leave
time is precious
and yet it seems
I only waste more of it
administered so expensively
and yet unsaved so tragically

discovering new music is a life saver
but unable to keep promises is a heart breaker

today is my last day


here

suddenly it doesnt seem so bad
and yet i know
it was

its strange how we get accustomed to situations until

its ok


i know this wasnt ok
but i reached a zone where it was

maybe from tommorow i may be able to fry eggs and stew vegatables

i really hope so
because im sick of living so unnaturally


like animals

this was

I wish I woulc understand myself better
know how to conect all the unconnected dots
fuse up light inside me
and make me glitter
i wish i could ...change


like now
move homes
i wish i could move personalities and become someone i really need to be

this change i carve for
what is it though?
i dont thnk ive ever asked myself that question

its always i just want to change

but what do i wnat to change to
what is it?



to be continued

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -