I wonder

What an ousted preseident does the next day

Sleep in? 

Play tennis ? 

Or cry? 

I wonder what she meant when she said its a little bit out of our normal routine visiting mum in the nursery home but its ok. Did she mean it is what it is or its annoying ? Is there no fear that will be us one day

All that shouting, wailing. Trying

I wonder what he thinks of my thoughts

Reasonable, annoying, dramatic? 

I wonder what i think of his

Needs me for everything ( well thats wrong for sure) 

Iwonder why he did what he did 

Buying here not there, buying this not that buying for so and so and not that. 

I wonder how smart i am  how kind i am, how good i am  how honest i am. I wonder how healthy i am

I wonder where things are and where things will go

I wonder where things need to be and how calm can i be

I wonder how hard will it be to really relax and find calm and peace these next two weeks

And how calm i canbe no matter what 

I wonder what i know and what i dont. What i have promised for real and what i have promised in treason

I wonder whyi careabout the news

The world news the bad news the news that wastes time and weakenshearts

The news that wastes time

Falling from grace

You see im angry at myself for so long for so much for so little done when it could all have been done. Or stopped

Its coming and im scared

So i shout and scream and just want to find peace

Although peace is not here

Im stuck 

But its hard driving elegance then coming down

Worse its hard being told. Suddenly. But even then. Its hard. And its hard being so big and tired. But its harder knowing i did this to myself

Inflammed inside

And now i have more to add 

But i have no time since i have to study 

All my failures

I feel arrogantly stupid and stupidly naive

Thinking im good when im terrible 

And let me tell you that that is true

In all cases

Of life

And here i am in someone elses role trying to fit in when i cant

I have to be supervised it seems and i have to be given out to like achild and even sworn to 

But i have to accept because some is true and other parts are not but i have to accept because 

Because the embarassment is too much from my side 

He wouldnt let me touch him or even look

Thats the lack of trust he has

But that is now the same for others

No trust 

So he opens his books and comes supervise

An old lady 

A blind spot

Or six

He who makes a mistake once is intelligent but he who makes it twice is a fool

I am sad

Not at anyobdy but myself

For not seeing my faults before others point them out

For not seeing my failures before they consume me

For not taming my anger for not trying hard enough 

For being scared all the time

For letting disease getting in the way. 

For letting time get in the way 

For being a crappy mum 

No love

Me

One act 1

One day iimagine u wakke up and life really does change forever in the most horrible wsy. 

But here is the thing you did that. You simply took your life and threw it away 

And then others anc even family

Its all over 

You will never go to a party or eat where you want or go to the next big movie or buy clothes or shoes or go to university or go to france or have children

End of part of 1

Half

Half the year

Today is 30th june. Tomorrow is second half, like a browk relay race ive only just arrived

Bigger than the biggest elephant yet smaller than the smallest pearl

I was shiny but cant see it no where

I kinda miss writing

But also praying

You see the devil has become of me 

And now im messing

With the wrong thing

Things 

Trying to be good

Trying failing

Tommorow is the seocnd half of the year

An empty page

But like all these things 

The start for two secondsthen its over

Fat

Do u know sometimes i eat a big giant choc triple cookie with a big dollop of nutella

About a 1000 calories on a 120 kilo same size gorilla

Im being mean on purpose

Im being horrid to myself just like ive been horrid to myself

Summary what happened these last 6 months 

Everything

Nothing

Bigger bigger bigger

Its not this its that

You see the thing about worry is its naive

Lost in its own translations 

Here is one worried about this when its that

Thinking about this when its that 

Believing this when its that

Not worrying about something when i should be! 

The hottest toaster

Ive ever seen was in  paediatric staff room not allowed but as a parent i was hungry having slept on a side chair all noght. But i was vague and not sharp and so it was very very hot she said

But not like my heart or my dreams or just me being difficult or too unfocused

Oh how i wish i thought things through 

Although i usually do 

Too much 

Too much 

Too much 

Broken is the way 

What do i say 

Stay queit or move

I want to help 

I want to change

I want to be strong

But she doesnt care

She doesnt think of me as i think of myself

But then i cant let it go

I am 

The strongest woman with the lowest self esteem i believe. And the most confidwnt with the wildest anxiety

Its hard

Being me

But its harder those around me

Should they love me?

Should they not?

Should they understand or should they not?

Why and why 

Ami here

In a small comsultation room being little boss in a place 2 hours from home thinking about the day my toast burnt in the hottest toaster id ever seen

Powerhorse

Keep going dont be stop dont give in 

Challenges for you meet you

Brace yourself for you are the wall 

Against the wind

For you have the power and you must horse through

Dont cry mama

Dont fear

Try harder

Use less

Think more

Less screen

More yoga

More water

Less soda

And snacks

And salt

And more crisp walking not inside

Dont stay inside

In your heart or mind or legs

Dont fear

Be here

Be near to the hardship 

Cover your face dont slap and walk through

It will be hard - boy it is

But never give up 

Me 

Khartoum heartbreak the outside staminas

 Deep inside me, I am at loss. I can’t find it. I can’t lose it For I am the tree the roots the commotion.

 I look at words and I find emptiness

 I try search but to no avail for I am singular. I am unique. I am broken forever since the changes of the wind Happened 

I found myself living in an island waiting hoping sinking dreaming wanting 

they say that a Pisces has vivid imagination and boy is that  true for sometimes I feel that I just simply enter and I am there 

Into  all my wishes and all my sanctuary the good and the bad 

I make it looks so easy I take away the hardness I spend separate from my reality. I want to write it in books but I am paralysed with what I don’t know today I realised I am singular. I don’t feel felt. 

But then I remember that no one can downgrade me and then I remember that I have no responsibility in other peoples actions except my own and then I remember that I am like the flickering electricity light wanting to come on resisting To come off. Only I can degrade myself it’s funny. I commented that I talk too much and the answer was yes in invisible ink. I am desperate. 

But being desperate, isnt the bottom of the pit-  allowing it to consume you is and I have done that. I have listened to the endless arm of the other. I have kicked myself Trying to warn myself. 

But I have Decided if I’m going to be alone i might as well be alone By myself i’m going to be alone. I might as well creation Energy from For. I am the woman in the seas and I am the woman on the mountain and I am the woman with rocks and I am the woman that can swim but yes doesn't! and I am the woman that can grow I am the woman that creates but can she see?  I am here. 

Best amel 

Sudden entry

 It all happened so fast how the twist of fate can come about

Suddenly i am not calm

I am not myself

I am angry

I am weak

Oh how weak

Suddenly i must listen to the degradation

Suddenly i must be isolated but strong

Weak but strong

Angry but strong

Oh how easy it is to put blame and i do its all their fault

But is it?

Its a personality failure

Its a personality drama

Its a personality break

Flaw

It makes me mad

Oh how disgusting

Oh how annoying

Oh how trespassing

Oh how sudden! 

The suddenness how at 4.00 pm its ok and at 4.02 its just  not.

 

The healthy mother

 I envied her because it was free

I suddenly looked down at myself and saw ….

It all 

The sadness the tiMe the 0 effort the madness of my actions

How hard i made it seem 

To energise my life 

How easy she made it seem to live life to the full 

I couldn't possibly relate to the scale of things shes done to help herself succeed 

But consistency is one of them 

She has been consistent

I have also been consistent 

The broken kind however

Consistently opening up the wounds

Leaving them raw

Leaving them salted

Watching 

My hands tied 

But thats how they are when i do what i do 

I wondered her age 

But one can assume it doesnt really matter

Similarity 

Is the key 

 

Asha

 Sometimes we see people for the last time.  We don’t realise it it’s a small speck in history just  a part of a day when life was ok 

Life was happening nothing much or maybe it was everything 

And then war happens and u remember those people

Iike asha our helper - i wonder what has become of her poverty. I hope she got married as she had planned. I hope she is safe and her family

They used to work a lot for us- i wonder how they are

How she is  she - does she think of us? 

I wonder did she realise it was the last time and we would probBly never see her again

Khartoum love story part 1

only her sisters wedding ... to the man she loved the nile splashing tears while glitter glittered like a sea of invisible for her jewels, cloud perfume, sandalwood , ... the expensive kind her eyes moved around waiting for her sisters arrival from the beauty parlour with .... ayman. the man of her dreams . she could hear her mum give instructions those women havnt been handed out royal biscuits yet ! nina! she could hear her mum shouting at her she startled herself back into the wedding park the weather perfect for january weddings . no danger of rain . just heartbreak she could hear maya her friend from behind giving her encouragement. maya ,nina and ayman were just three of a famour university best friends group - school of engineering. but the whole university knew that only two people were madly in love... and it wasnt the two getting married today nina, maya encouraged , here ill do it taking the biscuits from her friends hand cmon now be strong. looking at nina with the same heartbreak she felt . bad things happened. between nina amd ayman and noone could do anything about it . because noone would believe her. it was a cold khartoum day just like this 1 year ago when ayman and nina brokeup. outside khartoum airport - the mess, the chaos, the families. the two had stood still im time and pain, two hours before his flight i cant believe this, nina shouted. how can you believe everything you hear ! because its from your family! your sister ! he reclaimed back . i cant keep doing this. first i see you with him , then i get sent this he takes out his phone and nearly shoves it in her face as nina sees herself laughing in the restaurant with hamid in closeness. she knew all too well the fakeness of that photo and the evil behind it. hamid had wanted her to be his with avengeance while her sister had wanted ayman. and this was the end result . her love of her life falling for it . the plot but thats not all that made give up on their love - for hamid and her sister had staged an 'alone together ' scenario where her sister reemo had told hamid when nina was alone at home . he had come right into her bedroom shocking the life out of nine but before she opened her mouth , she say ayman there was well. but the gentleman that he was - he saw what he thought he saw and left . to this day nina could not fully understand how ayman had made it at that time while hamid had suddenly appeared but she was sure her sister had something to do with it. she had asked reemo but she just shrugged smd said dont blame me for not respecting ayman nina wished she could tell ayman how she knew it was a setup but she knew deep down it was too late. as broken as broken down yellow taxi next to her- she tried one last time ayman - lets talk this through. think this through. i dont have eyes for aNyone but you ! but ayman shook his head looking down at the sunheated tarmac giving up on them like his confirmed ticket i have to go he says . my flight is leaving soon nina continues to stare at him but this time knowing she has lost. she knew that at that point there was nothing she could do to save their love. for ayman had fallen out of love with her. goodbye nina queitly says . ayman looks up at her for the first time with the look of a stranger and repeats the same goodbye , disappointment visible but not regret - turning his back to her and fixing his handback

Whats a Sudan

without its Sudanese having ran their mint teas still warm their washing still hung their cars still on the petrol lines for devestation as we knew it was always a part of our lives but we had hopeful yards that the sun was ours and the moonlight twinkled across the broken despair we had weddings to go to and new funerals but not the bloody kind. the iinds that were nurtured illnesses of maybe sudden dramas all within the confounds of our blessings whats a sudan without those busy bridges and annoying rakshas without the beautiful satins on hisy dirty streets on the backways of bahri, ladies from near and far for all the happy reasons being picky about shades of purples and blues asking the important questions - does this come in green? never having to ask how many of my family are left ? whats a Sudan without music good music bad music but music . on the streets barbers radios cars house yards televisios in the day and at night whatsa Sudan without the ways we knew the streets we lived in and the mess it was a mess explainable a mess organised who are we without our Sudan that feelimg you get when the plane lands or just when the electricity gets back or on thursday evenings driving on the nile or friday afternoons with your family eating mulah or having just left the kofeer or getting visitors or ramadan nights with the big table out or finding rare brands in shops i usedto adore or getting your hair braided or going to a fancy place i can only go in my memory now