Implosion

 A fascinating scary word

Catastrophic 

When pressures outside become to much to bare

Like how it’s hard right now waiting for answers waiting for time waiting for words like spears

I watch the resemblance how unforgiving how tough how obedient the need is

And I ask myself

If it’s this painful to feel

Why do I do it to them?

Each day it gets harder

The way the materials I’m made of change for the weaker

With nothing to strengthen them from the inside 

They say it’s always them 

But this time I guess it really is me

For the pressure is strong and natural 

But me I don’t have the power to make it go away 

Or to protect myself from the words

Implosion 

A catastrophic event

Not outward but inward

When the cracks start maybe a little while they have been there maybe suddenly and as deeper and deeper it goes as tough as it gets until 

…. Silence

Many repeats made it happen so what are my repeats I feel ok knowing I try but when I don’t 

I feel like no matter what I could be made of I will 

… implode

Like this no religion 

Just a target

It’s coming 

——-

It’s hurtful but I must bare it

It’s shaming but I must take it

What really hurts is that this is my consequence right now 

4 people in a room just cannot make for an empty one

But that’s ok my fire burns because I’m strong 

It’s difficult but I can make it

It’s lonely and that’s the hardest taking

My body is getting heavier and heavier

I imagine the silence of the wreck 

How the time clicks and turns down there by people’s mistakes

If only If only if  only

What are my if onlys?

What are my ‘I wish I could take backs ‘

Well right now I graduated and I’m proud

I must be strong so I can survive it

Best hope

Adherence

 I still remember classes of impressions yet asherance to study was what I learnt

If you had 25 min to spare you use it to learn not eat 

And so now I am a bmi of 45 adding all those 25’s 

My accomplishments seem … annoying 

I don’t see it having been woken up at 3am and now it’s 5am boy am I tired

But yea it is getting ready for a new day 

And yet news comes in my previous acquaintances  are doing much much better than me 

It saddens me 

But then I think this is as best I’ve done in the situations I’ve been given 

But then I see no 

It’s not

For example I don’t need time or money or even intelligence or lose weight or to know I have spiralled out of control 

And yet here I am with a bmi of 45 written on papers an embarrassment really 

How can I accomplish anything if I can’t accomplish myself 

Today will be a test of time 

For I have had no good sleep I could eat the world but would it make me feel better

I feel sad and mad at myself 

It’s all about adherence

Adhere to your goals to your sanity to your strength to your belief to your red lines

And go back turn back 

Now