The Mustafa principle 1

Allowing others actions to control your emotions 

 A walking disaster

A walking mess of anguish

All possible mistakes

All resentments in the legs

All guilt in the hands

All messed up thoughts in the head

All gone wrong

A hoarder of life’s junk

Although strangely it’s explainable 

But that’s for another day 

Then I  ask myself

Are you not applying the same principle? 

Feeling emotion completely based on other news Peoples actions? 

And if other peoples  actions are not to your liking then 

Well you’re screwed basically

Having seen what this does to others

Can’t you learn?

A long time ago 

Someone was so angry at mad at someone for not visiting them in their time of most need in Cairo 

I probably don’t know the whole story

I suspect

It was a mix of true need and jealousy of other peoples sisters coming but not his own 

Either way it resulted in about a three year grudge

I also suspect that grudge geared hatred resentment hardship making life more difficult

What happened in the end?

Nothing

Life continued

Death also continued

But life persevered 

And the grudge holder one 

Had to put the difference aside

HAD TO and in fact changed the emotion 

I feel so stuck between right and wrong

Hard and easy

Anger and love

…..

Horrible mother

 In all angles I am just a horrible mother

I wouldn’t want to have me as a mother so why should they

Their beautiful eyes deserve more

Their beautiful faces and light

I roughly gave out within half hour of them getting up 

The disappointment

Is it what? What could lead me to be like this 

Be like this because it’s done to me

So they will be horrible people too is it ?

I feel like I’ve truly lost control 

Not caring 

Not giving

Not thinking

Being so angry I just can’t move

Being so annoyed I just can’t breathe

Being so worried I’m  not even worried anymore

Being so uncalm

So trepidated

In turmoil 

Making myself unhappy

Letting others make me unhappy

Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking 

About nothing

Watching the news 

Constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly

It’s asif I’m trying to find something else to shudder pain on 

Forget mine let’s think of all the mess out there

Mine is just too hard to clean up 

I am suffering 

But only my own doing

And now 

On this Monday it’s a summary how I’ve become everything everything I never ever wanted to be 

Horrible Monday morning

 Absolutely rotten

From the inability to have a decent nights sleep

To holding a grudge first thing to someone 31 years younger telling you you are their best friend

But you’re too mad

To holding another grudge at a small lady just reading a Book

To starting a fight about why iPads were replaced twitching on guilt and clearly standing by one side more

Until a fight starts 

To forcing everything

To eating without delicacy to wishing those two hours could just go back

The deep anger is all towards me

And him

Life is so easy for some

But I’m told it was my choice

Was it? 

But it’s them that suffer

And who’s choice is that 

What choice did I give them 

Except to feel my rage and anger on a Monday morning 

Horrible Monday

Absolutely rotten

Sleepless

 In the cavities of the night

There is silence

Only my eyes open 

I dream I fear I wonder I hurt I listen to the fan swing 

I eat

Rice pudding

And wonder where my wings are

I’m sad for myself and at myself

I wonder who stole my strength was it me? 

I wonder why I’ve become like this 

I feel tricked

Bullied and forced

I feel 

Like meat should be cooked

I should work harder and take more responsibility and not expect things I want from others

There is something in the silence

It’s healing as well as discomforting

It makes me feel alone and yet it also makes me feel powerful 

Unique

But I am lost fragmented

All my pieces scattered onto pieces of the soil 

Others have walked on me

and I have walked on others

I hope I wish I dream but I badly fear

I confide in my dreams

My wishes but also my turmoils

A single bed

I wonder why I have become like this 

The baby?

I don’t know 

Could be

I’m tired but worse I’m hopeless 

And I am definitely more lonely

I guess I could talk to it 

Maybe it will understand me

Hi baby 

Welcome

I know you’re in there twirling away 

I’ve been really scared 

I’ve been not myself

Sometimes good sometimes bad

But I know I could be better

I feel strong and yet so weak

I feel so lonely

As you’ve heard

So many people in my life that I can’t access

That are sick of me

That don’t understand me that simply

…

Don’t miss me being said is not the same as being done

And here good morning is no longer said

I am Chatless 

I have a voice and yet I cannot use it

I suppose the truth is 

I miss my mother

For she is hard now

Like an inflexible branch 

A hotel manager who just wants her keys back 

I wish 

She would walk with me eat with me talk with me maybe even ask me a question or two 

I would also walk with her eat with her talk with her maybe ask her a question or two

But it’s ok 

I understand 

I try anyway 

I hold back and I refrain from the pain 

I wish better for me though 

I wish you will be ok 

Like your family I’ve become like the man who calls 20 times a day

He is also remorsely lonely his body has shrivelled into what pain would like

It’s sad

But the loss of a daughter would do that you

Dear baby I was talking to you I’m sorry I got carried away 

I wish I will look out for you and your sister and brother 

Because I can do that 

I will try 

I’m trying to organise my life for you for us

But time is racing and I’m 

Just standing there useless

I really don’t know what to do 

I mean from where do I buy the strength I need

?

Do you know? 

Well thank you for letting me physically not be alone

For I have never felt so alone in my life

But as said to me 

It’s my choice our choice

New roads paved

And I’m wishing and wishing it’s the road I dream of

To call my own

To find my own

Ya Allah 

I have seen what loneliness does to people

Please help me not let it eat me alive

Best for now hope 

Sometimes…

Sometimes 

My loneliness beats me

Down to the ground hard and rough 

I drown in its emptiness

No one to speak with 

No one to hold

But worse

I’m not first choice

Not even I choose me 

I find my tears warm me and ridicule me

Console me and dissolve me

They are my only friend 

And like mama Nagat 

She lived with her silence

Morphing it into illness as a way to get attention 

I have no ways 

I must simply

Remain 

Still 

No calls will save

No human can come now

No voice can be heard that fills the void

Just 

Still

Is all you can be

Lost my touch

 My boy 

My self

My words

What’s right what’s wrong

What I deserve what I don’t

Who I am who I’m not

How strong I am how strong I need to be how strong I should be

 How worried 

How moving forwards how moving back

How helpful

You know it’s really upsetting when you do or say something and it’s taken the wrong way 

But then again I was told I was spoilt 

Am I ?

Or is it will powered

How great I am 

How bad I am 

It’s sad hiding

It’s sad calculating

Am I the one to blame

Or is it others

Am I the one to fear

Or am I to fear

Am I the one to solve or do I tangle

Am I the one to try or is there no point

It is really worthless

You know

Who you are right now