Enstranged

 From myself 

But worse my mum

We are like bread and toaster

She heats and i … blacken

Out of context we are unhappy

Not your normal 

Family

Mum and daughter should be kind should be fair

Should be tolerant should be … sweet

But we are vinegar put on a wound 

Or salt on the gash 

Of transferring this madness into my own

I hate who I am

Who I’ve become

I know I could be better kinder

That I could let all the pain STOP at the level of us

And not continue

For at least I owe the fact that this pain started recently

Not when I was 5

So poor faith

Having to deal with this 

I feel like I’m in a nightmare

Shouting

Defensiveness

Explosion of eyes

Anger

Anger

Sharpness

Unwillingness to be nice

Unwillingness to be loving

Answers always swift

Answers always mean

There are no answers 

It’s always gone

And I feel hurt

Really sad

That this would be us

No us

Just memories

And a future filled with fights

But hey …

I have the power to not m participate

Yes

I 

Do 

I feel so angry

 At her at me 

At the produces of us

Anger sustains our nourishment

Peace is unstill 

We are broken stuck together only by genetics

There is no answer

There is no coming together 

It’s all disdain 

It’s all sharpness the ones that hurt

It’s all misunderstanding

It’s all being faraway 

All being in unparalleled lines

Yesterday I really felt like kebabs 

So I did them 

I thought it would be fun 

But kebabs don’t go with fish and it was all terrible

I hated how she was deliberate not to put them out 

They’re done by me of course so poison 

And then he asked about them she HAD to put them out 

I had to buy a bag 

Who cares

I had to shout 

I had to apologise

I just don’t care

Or do I 

Badness goes around  

I started it 

So I guess I get what I deserve

Or do I 

I feel sorry for myself

I have to deal with a lot

Or do I 

Maybe it’s the other way around

I guess they’re at the age where their branches are twig and break

And mine are still bendable

Or are they 

All I know is 

We don’t get on more than we do 

We don’t get on 

We 

Don’t 

Get 

On 

Worse

If I just fight back half a once 

I get the spitfire of dragons poured over me

Things that shouldn’t be evil

Are

I feel like I’m tired more than I have energy 

And I’m angry and sad more than I’m happy

Best

Over 

The pain

 Of someone sitting so alone

Probably thinking if things in the past

Or maybe not

And another

Alone although free

Angry mad sad

Lonely

Loneliness big and dumb

At how things are 

NOW

Like how a father is no longer available

Or a son is no longer free

Or a brother is but is now all alone

Who is right in this story

And who is wrong

When did it all start to go wrong

On marriage day

On divorce day

On travel day

On no day

On regret day

On remorse day

On thinking of only I didn’t do this day?

The pain

Of a single cell 

Dirty hot with the unknown

But they cannot protect now

The pain

Of everything

Everyone

No one

The pain of no one

Feeling like you don’t have no one

Must be unbearable

I wonder does he remember 

I wonder does he dream of another life

I wonder does he pray

I wonder is he different

I wonder what happens in a soul on questioning life