You have to have

Half woman half man

There is just no other way to conceive

You can find ways to hide find ways to make believe

But that is the truth 

And it’s just funny so so funny

That that’s the way it is 

Photocopies gone similiar into the truth and yet so far

Life is so strange 

But stranger is how people make it to be

How life is so different

So wrong

And yet seen as so right

It’s Interesting how right then becomes wrong

And everything is in double

Like the squint in my daughters eye

How horrible I am to her 

A tree is her tree and no matter what it’s perfect 

But I don’t see it that way

I see she didn’t try but that’s probably a lie

As she did but it was hard for her age and then I got caught with an unmuted unmute 

 It god knows who I am 

This ridicule woman

Trying to think big when I’m so small 

And trying to be nice when I’m really not

Being sad looking at things wrong

But I would help them if they needed help 

But it makes me wonder why both stand taking the role of each other 

What’s my role 

What’s my status 

What are intentions

Am I really who I say I am 

Akeed no

The last door on the street

I am afraid of my situations

I should have why didn’t I 

I didn’t do this

I didn’t do that 

I need to do this 

Always in a constant battle for foreshortening in my life

And a an unrepaired outcome

Things done last moment

Things not done

Things wrong 

4/5/6 hours of waste each night

Better of asleep 

Better of reading 

Better of watching tv

Bettter of meditating

And then my body says

We hate you carrier

You don’t appreciate us 

You don’t even like us 

Here we are breathing for you

Trying to survive for you and you only 

Look the other way 

Even though you fill the mirror you still see nothing

This year of 2021 I have been overall a minus person

Things are not right in the mind inside

Things are not kind 

Things are working faulty

I’m on the wrong adventure

Or is it no adventure

I’m on the wrong path

It’s lonely

With broken slates and everyone’s inside warm with orange lights eating and drinking their happiness into the future

And I search for the right door

Is it this one ?

Or is it that one?

Which one behind it has all the remedies for my worries

For my helplessness

For me fears

For my everything

I try this door

Looks like a nice story to follow but there’s no hot chocolate her

What about the other door 

But there will never be any vivas here

What about this door

You can send all the emails you want you were not close

I am angry all these doors look glistening actually tricking me all the time 

Try this no try this no this will work 

Well it doesn’t work 

Never has never will 

I stand by a dark sign post and rest my head watching the hot air become cold as it leaves me happily dancing to the sky away from all my negative energy

And then I notice the last door on the street

It’s silent

No lights just one on the side but it’s attractive

The last door before the corner

Before I can’t see what’s on the other side

A big round clog lies on its centre

Nothing major but everything different from all the other doors I’ve knocked on 

My eyes link my mind invisible is drawn 

I walk over  slowly then quickly

And finally I stand in front of the door

Coming closer it looks wider the wood dark but solid

The circular handle nicely smooth 

The door just sits there 

I look around and notice no major sounds but I look down and notice a golden light from under the door. 

I ask myself if I knock on this door who will open? 

And if I knock on this door what will happen. 

Well this is the last door on the street

I’ve knocked on all of them before except this one

I’ve even knocked on some twice three and ten times 

I remind myself what happens when I knock

First the halls look interesting then you understand that there are tricks everywhere

Like it’s not like what ot seems

Like 5 hours of waste

Like feeling constantly tired

I look up the street from where I just was 

Some doors look really attractive 

Maybe I could just go to ones I’ve tried before 

I decide that previous doors are trustworthy at least I know what I’m in for

Failure

I start to walk away 

But then I stop 

The door looks at me and I look at it the wind takes language and turns leaves up on the street

I am suddenly aware of the words of the wind 

The trees sway in harmony

The tiles of the pavement connect with each other

The road is in existence 

I turn around and look at the last door on the street once more

I realise on that moment that I want to go forward not back 

I am interested in what this quiet less glittery door has to show

I take some footsteps and come in front of it again

I take a deep breath fist my hand to knock 

And then ….

To be continued 

Difficult situations -2

When you want to be something and you can’t

When you want to be a good mother and you can’t

When you want to be patient and you cant

When you want to be kind and you cant

When you want to not reply and ypu cant

When you want it to not be this way but it is

When you can’t stand what others are thinking and saying about you but you can’t

When you have work to do but there’s no time

When you want to be the best but end up being the worst

When you fear that will be the case always 

When ypu have 4 chances and you’ve already failed two 

When you think you’re smart but you really are not 

When you think you are healthy but you are really are not

When you’re just tired of being told off so many times it just doesn’t matter anymore

When you’re heartbroken about the results and pretend it’s ok 

It’s not ok 

When youre disgusted with yourself and try to hide that 

When you make a big mistake when ypu thought it wasn’t 

When you have to do something you just don’t want to do 

When you have no time for that paw thing you just do t want to do 

When no one picks up the phone on the other End of the line

When. You have to ring a million times and there is still no answer on the other end of the line 

When the emails you get are horrible

When your email gets forwarded to loads of people you’ve never even met

When youre a fake

When you beg for what’s it yours

I when you get a message that says 

يا خايبة

يخص

When you try to shut it out but you think it’s true 

When your failure is loud 

When you made that failure loud 

When you have to beg like a curling dog

When  you have to be out in your place really

When you have to be out in your place

Fixed mindset - Whwn you cannot get out of it 

When you feel so lonely and so big at the same time 

When it just cannot be done

When you feel so tired and someone else says I’m more tired than you 

So you can just shut up about your tiredness how dare you even think of it 

When the voice is always angry

Just like the exam you will never be able to fix it 

When you are too ashamed 

Difficult situations - 1

Like being time off

Like going out

Like being so naive

Like being what you think you’re not

Like being ambitious without cause

Like having a splitting headache

Like spending all day driving 

Like being tired and not sleeping

Like hating your swollen face

Like sending wrong emails

Like getting angry emails back 

Like knowing people are hating you behind your back 

Like knowing it’s just not for you 

Again like being too naive to see

 Like feeling negative and trying to be positive

Like begging for money

Like misunderstanding everything

Like being misunderstood in everything

Like drawing the wrong attention 

Like asking the wrong things 

Like 

Just

Being

Tired

Like brains cells feeling devastated

A full parking space with an empty heart

The window fills with my breath , the adrenaline beats just like exam time which I failed and failed again when I tried to make what was empty seem full

I feel pathetic not driven

For every reaction there is a solution 

Even if I win at things I still fail at my weakness of being weak 

People cannot fix what I do not have 

People cannot make better what I do not know 

People cannot change their minds about me 

But I can change my mind about the past

Even if the past was yesterday 

Being angry doesn’t work

Being hopeful with the wrong methods doesn’t work

You have left battlefields open 

 Living the lowest best as they said

Didn’t you ask for that now 

Failure is torment at what could have been and didn’t become however 

Failure doesn’t have to be wrong 

To be continued 

Now the mindset is wrong

Steering into loneliness can be a terrible thing

Can be the worst feeling

It’s funny how I don’t listen to anyone except what I shouldn’t listen to

It’s annoying how I annoy myself more than I annoy others

It’s scary how scared I am yet others are fearful of me

I feel hurt 

So I push myself down in the dark

The place of loss

The devils promise

 I promise that I can offer you poverty

And that’s what I’ve taken

I prayed to god that he would not let me return to the place of darkness I was in 

I’m trying but when I fail … sometimes

Does it mean he has not accepted?

I don’t think so 

I think he has

I wouldn’t be here with this idea otherwise

But I am so afraid so I back down into this rubbish hole rather than giving my heart and soul

Who am I ?

Am I really that powerful strength or am I a fake? 

Too many emails

My thoughts blasted on peoples screen 

Uncensored

Powerful but annoying

True but angry 

Mi get so upset with myself 

Why can I not be powerful and kind 

These people are good 

And helpful and yet I am good but unhelpful 

There is a difference

Now I have the result but a new face 

The face of ugly

Dread 

Angst 

I create in others 

When this is not really me 

Visits of a storm

I plead with myself and others to give me a chance

I beg not knowing do I have a right or not but I always try

You win some you lose soMe you win some you lose soMe but you always try

There is something lovely about being safe Inside your home with orange shades reflecting the darkness of a quiet house clean and happy after calmness from childrens laughters and cries . But there is something even nicer about living the storm from safety watching it rhythmically dance wind loud in the circles of force outside crashing into your silent room of hot boaeb herbal tea and warm winter jumpers socks and …. Stormy ways of life 

In those moments of a storm raging outside I give my own storms to it. For it sounds like my fights and my tries . Trying. Living . Breathing. Sometimes flat sometimes soaring sometimes heavy sometimes unknown . 

There’s something lovely about a raging storm when you’re in the nighttime silence warm healthy happy and … enlightened

Growth or fixed ? Can be both . I am both. But I have definitely taught myself how to grow. I would say I have learnt to control my storms in many ways and the ones that still batter me , like my weight I will come to learn. There are ones I fight and there are ones I win and Others I lose and others I ask to open my hearts attempts at before I attempt again. 

Ya Allah help Me

There’s something beautiful about being in a storm safe and guided by no sound just watching the winter trees move and move away and sway dance in those Atlantic visits from the sky

Visits of a storm  its starts at 3 am hung the first rain drops on my face the morning night coming our way I wondered if there would be a bus I hoped that there would and that my plan would help others and thankfully it did. That adrenaline feeling of travel of new adventures of Meeting airports and business lounges boy do I wish I could travel soon but that’s ok I hope I will 

The feeling of adrenaline meeting the red dials of a warm car in a freezing street mistaking the bus each time for lorries and yet I wondered where will everyone go . Here there and back home

Just before it all began . Just before the storm started thinking it would be one day and now it’s two days 

It’s wonderful . This sudden break in time . Just stay just breathe deeply all the new air visiting your lungs coming from deep from the ocean all the way out there. Here. Shaking your boundaries while you silently watch life explain it’s troubles

I have many troubles with myself

And yet today they have escaped into the loud wind that I see hear and only feel if I open the door

So will I open the door and let feel ??