Sunday, February 5, 2017

negative woman

So many things
unbelievable
beautiful
amazing
expensive
with thought
and without
with love and without
with greed with selishness
with honesty
with behind backs
with effort and without
with trust and with lust
for things
just things
things i need
things i dont
things i must have
things i see
things I ask for and things i dont
chances
all chances
taken and not
questions
answers
that i have and not
 trying
failing
a lot of failing
 a lot of unknowns
a lot of things
that i know or not
luck
a lot of luck
that i have
i definitely have luck
despair
guilt
breakdowns
selfishness
naive
all that i have or not


here i am
just so big
with things and with cells
and with sugar
and with things
because i can have things
everything
alhamdulilah
i just have things

here i am in pain
in mind
 and in body
in questions and in answers
mind
gone blank
mind gone downhill
people dont know




how selfish i am
how unkind
how silly
how mean
how weak
how dishonest
how.... afraid
and how negative


yes
i am
a negative
human being


so negative humn being


to be continued//////////
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Thursday, February 2, 2017

The forgotten iPad mini

Dear Sir
I am sorry
Rocking and being lost in the boat of abilities
Just a drama queen
A shopaholic
An unexposed criminal of emotions
Criminal thoughts of being happy
No. Restricted
For what will my red allowance help me with now
An executive order by one man is all it takes to destroy a whole lifetime of build ups
Challenges
Hopes and dreams
It all doesn't matter
It all doesn't matter
Just waves of actions and thoughts of rippling movements from lands and people you have never heard of
And it does affect you
The car parked
The wrong guy on the street

And yet when I do get chances I never try
And yet when I do get a dream I never thank
And yet when I do get a baby looking at me with those gorgeous eyes I don't think
I just melt
Her eyes
Melting my heart
My being
I am so happy
So lucky
So .... Different even when I think I'm the same
Allah gave me something he didn't give to anybody else
A daughter
And I'm so unique because of it

Yet so unresponsive to life
To questions
To memories
To life
To hopes and dreams
To things
To my things
And so I think that if I get more I'll be better
Think better
Be happier
Be stronger
All those things will not come to me
Like this
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -