so insensitive but whos more
im like the sick not going to the doctor
even though they know they have the cure
so hurtful but whos more
im stabbing myself every single time
new pains
I didnt want
new reasons i didnthave
new explorations i ahve to take
but journeys that im mmissing out on
and adventures im blinded to
and love im needing but depriving myself of
he tells me youre not serious
maybe hes right
maybe its just all my fault
and all my time and all my love is lost
in never being serious
to be continued....
am just so lost
trying to find words that mean no sense within me
trying to make sense of what is around me
everything confounds me
the beautiful days
that go awaste
the fallen darkness that scares my grace
the awakened fears
that are new and destructive
the sleeping love
for faith that go unnoticed
I am just so far back
I travelled far away
suddenly we were on a different planet
and it was amazing that suddenly
we had forgotten and remembered everything on it
life changed and i was pulled into a force of the past
histroy did repeat itself one second after the last
and the desert had dissappeared
and a piece of me had reappeared
that i thought was gone forever
and now everyone lives different moments at the same time
and i live every wrong moment at the same time
until i have no words at the right time
its the end of April and nothing has been done
in anything and the life ive won
for i never asked paid or knew i would be here
but im the one who owns this soul
and its all been given back, sold and not even paid for
just taken or stolen and not even told for
wiftly bypassing my memories
the devil wins
im changing dramatically
im broken instantly
im weaker than a feather
im more lost than even
my tongue aint mine
my heart responds to voice strange
I cant feel my soul
yes
I
cant
feel
my
soul
What it is...
I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
