limitless or limited?

 I dont know 

i feel like i have it all yet the truth is /.... well different

I feel like i can do it all.. but im just not sure

how will next year be 

i definitely dont have control 

my children hate me

now hide from me

fight with me 

annoy me 

but i annoy them

i dont know whats stable and what itsnt

i dont know where is the line

i dont know why i get mad at things that shouldnt make me mad

i dont know why i feel chained

and now even more chained

no more free 9-1.30 and certainly no more 9-4 

ill miss that for a while 

i had freedom you know for a while

but then now i have something else

but i found out yesterday i am not as supported as it seems

and last months come and go 

its been nice

but it has to end

and something else has to start

i hope

as it seems i currently have no options

my options are limited

or are they limitless

i dont know

i just dont know

im blinded by my lack of control that i try take out on my children

control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control what does it mean control control control control control control control if i cant control my emotions or my mind or my strength or my attitude to life conttrol control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control

control is being calm being positive being unworried letting things happen dont put blame on others they are trying you know

but on your terms not hard enough 

 

Taking out the rubbish

 Here in this freezing weather and start of a previous week 

I take out the rubbish 

It’s hard

Two big black bags one heavy one light

It’s freezing 

It’s eerie

It’s hard

My back hurts

But I won’t give in 

I don’t have all I want but I do have all I need

I can’t move others to move with me

But I can move myself

I can’t make others feel my pain 

But I can throw my pain out in the heavy black bag

Here in this week 

My only thoughts are with god

Only allah can get me through 

So ya ran help me

I will focus with you

Let me be a winner ya rab 

And let me choose the right choices

Mainly 

Never to stop 

What I want in life doesn’t exist so I must create it 

Dream on … and what really is disappointment ?

 A belief in you that is false! 

I feel so so sorry for myself

I’m so many things

But mostly that  I actually had hope 

And strangely still do 

Which angers me 

At myself

Hope is my name and Pisces emotions run deep

It’s hard to burn it away when it’s the oceans that rule 

My tears fall

You frightened my heart she said

I just want to hug her

See her through 

I worry so much she is beautiful 

My beautiful eman 

And I’m so scared I’ll fail 

Just like others have failed Me

But I had a good one

I still do 

I have been supported

I feel sad

Really be careful what you wish for

A happy birthday all glamour

And yet deep down it just sucks

I am all alone

Bad I ask allah 

To help me 

To see me through 

To have mercy on me

And to help me finish my projects which the door is so hard and heavy to close

Ya allah help me 

Ya allah help me 

The last and the first

 The excitement hits me and I fall 

I’m so excited I can’t breathe

So worried I can’t think 

So hoping I can’t move

So anticipating I can’t sit still

The calendar moves and yet I freeze

Suddenly my worry frightens me 

Like my daughters little heart 

Or my sons 

Or my… 

I can’t even think or write

Days are coming 

I wish upon stars galaxies 

And simply and importantly God 

please ya allah help me

Make me strong and make me willing 

I thank you for what you have given

And I am greedy for more

I don’t know why my fingers still

My eyes just stare at a computer my writing skills seem to fade

When I need everything the most

And I most grateful 

I am tired

Sweating

That last lap now 

It’s a long and short at the same time 

Sweet but sour

Happy yet scary

So so scary

But I fit the job 

Ya allah help me through it all 

The sting of fault

 I have to be paralysed 

The game is not on my side

Although it was by my rules but the rules have changed

By me

Suddenly I no longer feel on too I no longer care

I no longer deem myself fit to win 

So I am stung by my shame

Anger

Deceit to myself

Hurt 

Disgust

All of it

I am truly a mistake of anything

Am sick of it too 

Sick of myself

And then just when I change the games 

The others do toI 

For my benefit

But now I have no ability to override my control

I am powerless

I am  

Cemented on the ground of my own failure 

I cannot proceed after all of this great work or work that is possible to win that very tip I lose edge

I lose balance 

I lost it all

Who’s gonna make the money

 I wish it was me

Ya allah  let it be me

I don’t want to be reduced

And now I have to wait

Please put me in the right position always 

I depserately need your help 

Wooden fights and tears

 Crocodile?

True?

Hormonal?

 Something has to give

I feel so stupid 

So lame

So tricked upon 

Like here I am 

Just 

So 

Lonely 

I can’t find 

The truth anywhere 

Not around me 

Not within me 

Not beneath me

All I know is

I am evil 

I ask too much and I need too much

Therefore people stay away repel 

And tarnish 

Break because of me

To show me

Now I I have to wait and wait and wait and wait 

And wait and wait for answers or for none 

Tea and cake

 The repetition of failure

Or is it need

Or habit

Or the right thing or the wrong thing 

If you are tea and cake with biscuits al day what would that make you? 

Right or wrong? 

If you barely ate would you be sad?

Or alone?

Or depressed?

Or angry?

Or lonely?

Or all of the above?

We are all human

Our feelings come out n different ways and for some it’s by eating tea with cake and biscuits 

All 

The

Time 

I am

 The definition of a horrible mother

That’s it 

Nothing more to be said

Awful

Just awful 

Absolutely rotten 

A horrible turmoil of crap

Feeding them stress 

Feeding them the definition of lack 

And yet fulfilment and stepping up is all I ever wished for 

The resentment boils me

Inside like a never clicking off kettle

I feel so much anger

So much annoyance

So much unfairness

I know it’s rotting me 

I know it’s changing me

Everyone has it so light

And I 

Have heaviness 

The humming drives me mad

Absolutely mad 

And I simply can’t do anything about it 

I want to scream 

Literally scream

And I do 

The phones anger me

Everything angers me 

Fridays  at 2-5 as well and soon the whole week

And soon it just won’t matter about my 

Sssssssss needs my time everything makes me so so so angry 

Cuz I’m just a jealous bitch of course

Any such feelings puts me into being evil or

Simply

My choice

I am angry

I am sad

I am annoyed

I am lonely

I am scared

I am stressed

I am so so 

Unhappy

The Mustafa principle 1

Allowing others actions to control your emotions 

 A walking disaster

A walking mess of anguish

All possible mistakes

All resentments in the legs

All guilt in the hands

All messed up thoughts in the head

All gone wrong

A hoarder of life’s junk

Although strangely it’s explainable 

But that’s for another day 

Then I  ask myself

Are you not applying the same principle? 

Feeling emotion completely based on other news Peoples actions? 

And if other peoples  actions are not to your liking then 

Well you’re screwed basically

Having seen what this does to others

Can’t you learn?

A long time ago 

Someone was so angry at mad at someone for not visiting them in their time of most need in Cairo 

I probably don’t know the whole story

I suspect

It was a mix of true need and jealousy of other peoples sisters coming but not his own 

Either way it resulted in about a three year grudge

I also suspect that grudge geared hatred resentment hardship making life more difficult

What happened in the end?

Nothing

Life continued

Death also continued

But life persevered 

And the grudge holder one 

Had to put the difference aside

HAD TO and in fact changed the emotion 

I feel so stuck between right and wrong

Hard and easy

Anger and love

…..

Horrible mother

 In all angles I am just a horrible mother

I wouldn’t want to have me as a mother so why should they

Their beautiful eyes deserve more

Their beautiful faces and light

I roughly gave out within half hour of them getting up 

The disappointment

Is it what? What could lead me to be like this 

Be like this because it’s done to me

So they will be horrible people too is it ?

I feel like I’ve truly lost control 

Not caring 

Not giving

Not thinking

Being so angry I just can’t move

Being so annoyed I just can’t breathe

Being so worried I’m  not even worried anymore

Being so uncalm

So trepidated

In turmoil 

Making myself unhappy

Letting others make me unhappy

Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking 

About nothing

Watching the news 

Constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly and constantly

It’s asif I’m trying to find something else to shudder pain on 

Forget mine let’s think of all the mess out there

Mine is just too hard to clean up 

I am suffering 

But only my own doing

And now 

On this Monday it’s a summary how I’ve become everything everything I never ever wanted to be 

Horrible Monday morning

 Absolutely rotten

From the inability to have a decent nights sleep

To holding a grudge first thing to someone 31 years younger telling you you are their best friend

But you’re too mad

To holding another grudge at a small lady just reading a Book

To starting a fight about why iPads were replaced twitching on guilt and clearly standing by one side more

Until a fight starts 

To forcing everything

To eating without delicacy to wishing those two hours could just go back

The deep anger is all towards me

And him

Life is so easy for some

But I’m told it was my choice

Was it? 

But it’s them that suffer

And who’s choice is that 

What choice did I give them 

Except to feel my rage and anger on a Monday morning 

Horrible Monday

Absolutely rotten

Sleepless

 In the cavities of the night

There is silence

Only my eyes open 

I dream I fear I wonder I hurt I listen to the fan swing 

I eat

Rice pudding

And wonder where my wings are

I’m sad for myself and at myself

I wonder who stole my strength was it me? 

I wonder why I’ve become like this 

I feel tricked

Bullied and forced

I feel 

Like meat should be cooked

I should work harder and take more responsibility and not expect things I want from others

There is something in the silence

It’s healing as well as discomforting

It makes me feel alone and yet it also makes me feel powerful 

Unique

But I am lost fragmented

All my pieces scattered onto pieces of the soil 

Others have walked on me

and I have walked on others

I hope I wish I dream but I badly fear

I confide in my dreams

My wishes but also my turmoils

A single bed

I wonder why I have become like this 

The baby?

I don’t know 

Could be

I’m tired but worse I’m hopeless 

And I am definitely more lonely

I guess I could talk to it 

Maybe it will understand me

Hi baby 

Welcome

I know you’re in there twirling away 

I’ve been really scared 

I’ve been not myself

Sometimes good sometimes bad

But I know I could be better

I feel strong and yet so weak

I feel so lonely

As you’ve heard

So many people in my life that I can’t access

That are sick of me

That don’t understand me that simply

…

Don’t miss me being said is not the same as being done

And here good morning is no longer said

I am Chatless 

I have a voice and yet I cannot use it

I suppose the truth is 

I miss my mother

For she is hard now

Like an inflexible branch 

A hotel manager who just wants her keys back 

I wish 

She would walk with me eat with me talk with me maybe even ask me a question or two 

I would also walk with her eat with her talk with her maybe ask her a question or two

But it’s ok 

I understand 

I try anyway 

I hold back and I refrain from the pain 

I wish better for me though 

I wish you will be ok 

Like your family I’ve become like the man who calls 20 times a day

He is also remorsely lonely his body has shrivelled into what pain would like

It’s sad

But the loss of a daughter would do that you

Dear baby I was talking to you I’m sorry I got carried away 

I wish I will look out for you and your sister and brother 

Because I can do that 

I will try 

I’m trying to organise my life for you for us

But time is racing and I’m 

Just standing there useless

I really don’t know what to do 

I mean from where do I buy the strength I need

?

Do you know? 

Well thank you for letting me physically not be alone

For I have never felt so alone in my life

But as said to me 

It’s my choice our choice

New roads paved

And I’m wishing and wishing it’s the road I dream of

To call my own

To find my own

Ya Allah 

I have seen what loneliness does to people

Please help me not let it eat me alive

Best for now hope 

Sometimes…

Sometimes 

My loneliness beats me

Down to the ground hard and rough 

I drown in its emptiness

No one to speak with 

No one to hold

But worse

I’m not first choice

Not even I choose me 

I find my tears warm me and ridicule me

Console me and dissolve me

They are my only friend 

And like mama Nagat 

She lived with her silence

Morphing it into illness as a way to get attention 

I have no ways 

I must simply

Remain 

Still 

No calls will save

No human can come now

No voice can be heard that fills the void

Just 

Still

Is all you can be

Lost my touch

 My boy 

My self

My words

What’s right what’s wrong

What I deserve what I don’t

Who I am who I’m not

How strong I am how strong I need to be how strong I should be

 How worried 

How moving forwards how moving back

How helpful

You know it’s really upsetting when you do or say something and it’s taken the wrong way 

But then again I was told I was spoilt 

Am I ?

Or is it will powered

How great I am 

How bad I am 

It’s sad hiding

It’s sad calculating

Am I the one to blame

Or is it others

Am I the one to fear

Or am I to fear

Am I the one to solve or do I tangle

Am I the one to try or is there no point

It is really worthless

You know

Who you are right now 

The difference

 Is that during work hours the African watches tv or opens Facebook while the non African concentrates

The non African works hard and tries harder focuses while the African laughs and gargles waste of time

It annoys me how in the queue only the African stopped domineeringly more than his non African humans . It annoys me how they concentrate on the past like 

These people should apologise for all they’ve done to us ! And it’s never like - what’s done is done move on! 

These people have done nothing to you compared to what you’ve done to yourself ! 

I am African 

But I am not focused

And that angers me

It suddenly dawned on me that I am like my African peers 

Constantly untrying and constantly blaming 

If I don’t find anyone to blame, I blame myself

It’s deeply annoying that perfection should exist outside me

That turmoil has a space in me 

And the Africans are the same

Lost in history never making a future 

Like me 

(This is A very stereotypical piece of work ) please don’t let it offend you ) it is meant as a piece of personal work to reflect on my own disadvantaged actions based on narrow observations . Clearly there are African who are superb ) I aspire to be one of those 

Rubbish bag closet

 You would do the same to a pressing guest

Unlike the royals with 775 rooms

It’s only the spaces of the hall chairs to which you have no ownership

Stay in the rubbish bag if you will

At least it was clean

You’re lucky you stay here

I know I am 

I’m not saying otherwise

Clean clothes too 

It just doesn’t matter

What I find out of way I throw away

Space is limited

You are not invited

But you have forced your way through 

Look but don’t use 

Put but not here

…

Clean rubbish bags is where my life is 

Missed calls

 Mama nagat 

I used to miss your calls

And then you came into my dream one day

Angry with me 

For missing my prayer

Even after death 

You cared

About me

And suddenly today 

I miss you a lot

I can see the resemblance 

Between you and I 

I am more like you in many things

And becoming less like her in other things

I am a mess

But one thing is for sure

I am lonely as hell 

Just like you used to be

… from me

It really is

You reap what you sow

…

The lonely chicken

 The lonely chicken 

Sitting in the dark so tasty yet so alone

It doesn’t fit in 

Made by a person who doesn’t fit in living its life in the house of another

Not eaten 

Not good enough 

Never will be

The lonely chicken 

Not just forgotten but not cared about

They’re not responsible

So it cries alone on the kitchen table after all has been said and done

It could rot there no one would care

Except me

Lonely chicken 

Was tasty 

But only we know

Lonely chicken 

Like me 

Living in a hard place

The price you pay Isiah much higher than you can give 

Lonely chicken 

Coming to life in a place of uncertainty 

What it has to offer is just not desirable 

Just not important

Just not good enough to think about

Lonely chicken 

Just like me 

All alone

Sitting in the dark 

After all has been said and done 

Lonely chicken 

Just like me 

….

No place to fit in 

No place to be given 

Has to force its way through 

Otherwise

It will sleep on the kitchen table

paralysed

 in times on need i am paralysed

all confidence gone

replaced by quiet anger ive never felt before

and also this scared ultimatum

sure its just cant be done 

although ive never thought like this before

its exhausting

the same feeling before studying for the exam and then failing

the truth is im afraid to try anymore

im so afraid

there i said it

unbearable

the waste of time

the lack of energy the missing opportunities

all because im just too afraid

to try

who am i to succeed

and then deep down i am also angry

all this unknown

but who am i angry at?

me them him ?

i just dont know

all of them 

but how does it matter

it just layers on me even more 

sitting here 

i know i dont belong here

or do i

i just dont know

and this time

is it my time ?

i so want it to be

but trust me i am just not doing enough

although i could be

it angers me so much though

that its really 3 when ive been tricked into thinking its 6

it angers me

i cant process it

like i have no right to ask to think about it

like ive been mocked 

like ive been tricked

and trust me

i have been tricked

all of this 

work work work

and then suddenly its all so easy the time is free

it angers me 

and i just cant process it

so how do i reply

i punish myself

i let it not happen

i let myself down

when i should really pick myself up 

let it cry feel hurt

feel pain 

feel tricked

but hold myself with the cheeks and gently hold myself to will

until it all passes

then tell myself

youre stronger than t his

youre better than this

you deserve to fight for your cause

and some people will help you, others will no matter what put themselves first and then there is just no more i am sorry

dont ever forget that

so what difference is it from what i dont like 

i dont know really

its like living within walls of electrocuted gardens

everything is beautiful and yet...

dont get close

deal with what you get

but i cant seem to deal

im only shuffling

asking wondering breaking being haunted by 

this is just too much

am i really who i say i am

am i really who i can be

am i really the one to win and not be defeated

at least by myself

currently its 

23456323423-0

high number is the wolf in me 

the one that is growling howling with pain

with unanswered questions

with turmoil

with this feeling of get on with it 

and yet i just cant

i just cant process 

but then i think 

i dont want to be the one who cant do

i dont want to be the one who says and lies

i dont want to be the one who just isnt promising

but i am so far behind

each day i am pushed even more back

but no one is doing this pushing but me

instead of giving life however i am suffocating it all 

all my challenges wins tries events everything 

just breaking it between my fingers like..... making pastry

tasteless

right now its all tasteless

Whos fault is it ?

 Its interestring that the last post written just before this one is about my mother

and here i am again writing about her

and me

since i am a mother too

albeit a broken one 

jigswas of love combine to form anger

in the form of love

our worstparts become all our parts

our worst parts become unhidden, seen

our worst parts hurt us and form us into another realm of anger, disgust, madness, being unreasonable and simply in pain

this is the first time i feel a lot of pain from myself and from my mother

physical pain not just mental

and although i said im sorry there is a lingering of anguish inside me

is this really who we are

its all just pretend then

and then there is my daughter 

who i treat worst than my mother treats me

and i wonder what i expect from her then 

except what she sees now 

i feel angered with noone but myself

but i also ask why yesterday?

is it really my fault, her fault, my daughters fault?

or is it someone elses

that eye

that will always remain a secret but our actions wont

actions hurt

i ask myself 

is this the pain people feel before they do and do and do 

i feel sick i feel like noone understands me

i think i am kind but am i?

i think i am good but am i?

i think i am smart but am i?

i think i am great but am i?

i think i am a human being but am i?

it saddens me 

how in this world people hurt each other 

those who know each other , and those who dont 

Enstranged

 From myself 

But worse my mum

We are like bread and toaster

She heats and i … blacken

Out of context we are unhappy

Not your normal 

Family

Mum and daughter should be kind should be fair

Should be tolerant should be … sweet

But we are vinegar put on a wound 

Or salt on the gash 

Of transferring this madness into my own

I hate who I am

Who I’ve become

I know I could be better kinder

That I could let all the pain STOP at the level of us

And not continue

For at least I owe the fact that this pain started recently

Not when I was 5

So poor faith

Having to deal with this 

I feel like I’m in a nightmare

Shouting

Defensiveness

Explosion of eyes

Anger

Anger

Sharpness

Unwillingness to be nice

Unwillingness to be loving

Answers always swift

Answers always mean

There are no answers 

It’s always gone

And I feel hurt

Really sad

That this would be us

No us

Just memories

And a future filled with fights

But hey …

I have the power to not m participate

Yes

I 

Do 

I feel so angry

 At her at me 

At the produces of us

Anger sustains our nourishment

Peace is unstill 

We are broken stuck together only by genetics

There is no answer

There is no coming together 

It’s all disdain 

It’s all sharpness the ones that hurt

It’s all misunderstanding

It’s all being faraway 

All being in unparalleled lines

Yesterday I really felt like kebabs 

So I did them 

I thought it would be fun 

But kebabs don’t go with fish and it was all terrible

I hated how she was deliberate not to put them out 

They’re done by me of course so poison 

And then he asked about them she HAD to put them out 

I had to buy a bag 

Who cares

I had to shout 

I had to apologise

I just don’t care

Or do I 

Badness goes around  

I started it 

So I guess I get what I deserve

Or do I 

I feel sorry for myself

I have to deal with a lot

Or do I 

Maybe it’s the other way around

I guess they’re at the age where their branches are twig and break

And mine are still bendable

Or are they 

All I know is 

We don’t get on more than we do 

We don’t get on 

We 

Don’t 

Get 

On 

Worse

If I just fight back half a once 

I get the spitfire of dragons poured over me

Things that shouldn’t be evil

Are

I feel like I’m tired more than I have energy 

And I’m angry and sad more than I’m happy

Best

Over 

The pain

 Of someone sitting so alone

Probably thinking if things in the past

Or maybe not

And another

Alone although free

Angry mad sad

Lonely

Loneliness big and dumb

At how things are 

NOW

Like how a father is no longer available

Or a son is no longer free

Or a brother is but is now all alone

Who is right in this story

And who is wrong

When did it all start to go wrong

On marriage day

On divorce day

On travel day

On no day

On regret day

On remorse day

On thinking of only I didn’t do this day?

The pain

Of a single cell 

Dirty hot with the unknown

But they cannot protect now

The pain

Of everything

Everyone

No one

The pain of no one

Feeling like you don’t have no one

Must be unbearable

I wonder does he remember 

I wonder does he dream of another life

I wonder does he pray

I wonder is he different

I wonder what happens in a soul on questioning life 

They say

Being rejected is the same feeling a physical pain 

Never mind by your own one 

And after a big try 

Here is me thinking I did well 

When I didn’t 

48/60 in fact

Cheapest of the earth results

I couldn’t even pass the easy stuff 

Like making her like me 

The preference is real

The pain is also 

Here I am with a real deficit 

Being unliked

Being in comforting

 Having to resort 

It’s sad when I’m this pathetic

… everyone thinks I’m just a disappointed idiot 

When I’m not 

I’m really a smart fool 

One is afraid 

Feelings raw feelings unworthy

Feelings broken

Shattered by the hammer of further torment 

Ridicule is a sharp misery

And here it is

Breaking the soul

No matter what I do 

I’ll never get there

Let me tell you

That in Islam god says if you kill one person then You have killed the whole of humanity and if you saved one person then you have saved the whole of humanity 

The Quran 

I have never felt that more in my heart than in the killing of an innocent girl going exercising and so much more was her life. 

Her death made me feel drawn to fear love anger suffering torment grief anguish loss and destruction 

Two hands did all of this 

Bring nightmare bring numbness bring an emptiness over everyone here

Far and near

Two hands wearing black the blackness over his cells and his heart left beating is unimaginable contradiction 

I think to myself while she left us and left all the things beautiful he also left his life behind on that bank 

That was the last time he rode a bicycle and the last time he will walk or run down that walkway 

That walkway of freedom 

Isn’t that a big price to pay 

As for that woman capturing my feelings my heart I can only pray in my own faith but joint as a woman that she is in heaven that she is happy that she lives in memory in that sun ray and crisp 4pm afternoon wind or even in times of rain in those clean pearls of water or even if it become windy the strong winds of strength or even when it’s hot that she lives in the melting of   Time helping everyone get to terms with this pain 

There are many last times 

Let me tell you about

The pain I felt for a young woman murdered while running

So much pain I could barely breathe

My fingers constantly searching for news

I never knew this girl but my heart feels tremored as if I did

My tears fall thinking about small agonies that make it all the worse

What was she thinking of that last happy

That was last her

What was the last thing she bought

What song was on if there any

Before the devil came along

I feel horrific pain 

As a woman as daughter as a mother as a wife

It doesn’t matter what culture we are from or what colour we are

What matters is the whiteness or blackness in our hearts

Last Wednesday black met white and I was invade with sorrow 

All the way down here so different and so far 

But yet so close in pain 

I pray in my own way

To stop searching for the answer