Sleepless

 In the cavities of the night

There is silence

Only my eyes open 

I dream I fear I wonder I hurt I listen to the fan swing 

I eat

Rice pudding

And wonder where my wings are

I’m sad for myself and at myself

I wonder who stole my strength was it me? 

I wonder why I’ve become like this 

I feel tricked

Bullied and forced

I feel 

Like meat should be cooked

I should work harder and take more responsibility and not expect things I want from others

There is something in the silence

It’s healing as well as discomforting

It makes me feel alone and yet it also makes me feel powerful 

Unique

But I am lost fragmented

All my pieces scattered onto pieces of the soil 

Others have walked on me

and I have walked on others

I hope I wish I dream but I badly fear

I confide in my dreams

My wishes but also my turmoils

A single bed

I wonder why I have become like this 

The baby?

I don’t know 

Could be

I’m tired but worse I’m hopeless 

And I am definitely more lonely

I guess I could talk to it 

Maybe it will understand me

Hi baby 

Welcome

I know you’re in there twirling away 

I’ve been really scared 

I’ve been not myself

Sometimes good sometimes bad

But I know I could be better

I feel strong and yet so weak

I feel so lonely

As you’ve heard

So many people in my life that I can’t access

That are sick of me

That don’t understand me that simply

…

Don’t miss me being said is not the same as being done

And here good morning is no longer said

I am Chatless 

I have a voice and yet I cannot use it

I suppose the truth is 

I miss my mother

For she is hard now

Like an inflexible branch 

A hotel manager who just wants her keys back 

I wish 

She would walk with me eat with me talk with me maybe even ask me a question or two 

I would also walk with her eat with her talk with her maybe ask her a question or two

But it’s ok 

I understand 

I try anyway 

I hold back and I refrain from the pain 

I wish better for me though 

I wish you will be ok 

Like your family I’ve become like the man who calls 20 times a day

He is also remorsely lonely his body has shrivelled into what pain would like

It’s sad

But the loss of a daughter would do that you

Dear baby I was talking to you I’m sorry I got carried away 

I wish I will look out for you and your sister and brother 

Because I can do that 

I will try 

I’m trying to organise my life for you for us

But time is racing and I’m 

Just standing there useless

I really don’t know what to do 

I mean from where do I buy the strength I need

?

Do you know? 

Well thank you for letting me physically not be alone

For I have never felt so alone in my life

But as said to me 

It’s my choice our choice

New roads paved

And I’m wishing and wishing it’s the road I dream of

To call my own

To find my own

Ya Allah 

I have seen what loneliness does to people

Please help me not let it eat me alive

Best for now hope