limitless or limited?

 I dont know 

i feel like i have it all yet the truth is /.... well different

I feel like i can do it all.. but im just not sure

how will next year be 

i definitely dont have control 

my children hate me

now hide from me

fight with me 

annoy me 

but i annoy them

i dont know whats stable and what itsnt

i dont know where is the line

i dont know why i get mad at things that shouldnt make me mad

i dont know why i feel chained

and now even more chained

no more free 9-1.30 and certainly no more 9-4 

ill miss that for a while 

i had freedom you know for a while

but then now i have something else

but i found out yesterday i am not as supported as it seems

and last months come and go 

its been nice

but it has to end

and something else has to start

i hope

as it seems i currently have no options

my options are limited

or are they limitless

i dont know

i just dont know

im blinded by my lack of control that i try take out on my children

control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control what does it mean control control control control control control control if i cant control my emotions or my mind or my strength or my attitude to life conttrol control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control control

control is being calm being positive being unworried letting things happen dont put blame on others they are trying you know

but on your terms not hard enough 

 

Taking out the rubbish

 Here in this freezing weather and start of a previous week 

I take out the rubbish 

It’s hard

Two big black bags one heavy one light

It’s freezing 

It’s eerie

It’s hard

My back hurts

But I won’t give in 

I don’t have all I want but I do have all I need

I can’t move others to move with me

But I can move myself

I can’t make others feel my pain 

But I can throw my pain out in the heavy black bag

Here in this week 

My only thoughts are with god

Only allah can get me through 

So ya ran help me

I will focus with you

Let me be a winner ya rab 

And let me choose the right choices

Mainly 

Never to stop 

What I want in life doesn’t exist so I must create it 

Dream on … and what really is disappointment ?

 A belief in you that is false! 

I feel so so sorry for myself

I’m so many things

But mostly that  I actually had hope 

And strangely still do 

Which angers me 

At myself

Hope is my name and Pisces emotions run deep

It’s hard to burn it away when it’s the oceans that rule 

My tears fall

You frightened my heart she said

I just want to hug her

See her through 

I worry so much she is beautiful 

My beautiful eman 

And I’m so scared I’ll fail 

Just like others have failed Me

But I had a good one

I still do 

I have been supported

I feel sad

Really be careful what you wish for

A happy birthday all glamour

And yet deep down it just sucks

I am all alone

Bad I ask allah 

To help me 

To see me through 

To have mercy on me

And to help me finish my projects which the door is so hard and heavy to close

Ya allah help me 

Ya allah help me 

The last and the first

 The excitement hits me and I fall 

I’m so excited I can’t breathe

So worried I can’t think 

So hoping I can’t move

So anticipating I can’t sit still

The calendar moves and yet I freeze

Suddenly my worry frightens me 

Like my daughters little heart 

Or my sons 

Or my… 

I can’t even think or write

Days are coming 

I wish upon stars galaxies 

And simply and importantly God 

please ya allah help me

Make me strong and make me willing 

I thank you for what you have given

And I am greedy for more

I don’t know why my fingers still

My eyes just stare at a computer my writing skills seem to fade

When I need everything the most

And I most grateful 

I am tired

Sweating

That last lap now 

It’s a long and short at the same time 

Sweet but sour

Happy yet scary

So so scary

But I fit the job 

Ya allah help me through it all