Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath: September 2026

Wednesday, September 9, 2026

Just nothing

I feel nothing even though i feel it all

It meansnothing even though i have it all

Im angry

Im hot

Im scared

Im not

Im so lonely even though the sun is outside

Never ever

So weak inside

I feel so lonely even though there are people around

Itswhy i talk too much and smile and laugh

Or shall i showthem the way i crack

The lava inside usually holds

I have enough skin

But im having a leak

…

Itsgoonv to come out

Through my tears

So i have to get soemthnig that doesnt melt with the pain

Something strong

Allah hates me and i hate me

And peoplewho love me cant stand me and i cant stand me

And peoplewho knowme

Think they do

….

So magical thing

Where are u so i can lock that lava trying to seep and combust inside

While clocks tick as normal

Every

Single

Second

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -