You have to have

Half woman half man

There is just no other way to conceive

You can find ways to hide find ways to make believe

But that is the truth 

And it’s just funny so so funny

That that’s the way it is 

Photocopies gone similiar into the truth and yet so far

Life is so strange 

But stranger is how people make it to be

How life is so different

So wrong

And yet seen as so right

It’s Interesting how right then becomes wrong

And everything is in double

Like the squint in my daughters eye

How horrible I am to her 

A tree is her tree and no matter what it’s perfect 

But I don’t see it that way

I see she didn’t try but that’s probably a lie

As she did but it was hard for her age and then I got caught with an unmuted unmute 

 It god knows who I am 

This ridicule woman

Trying to think big when I’m so small 

And trying to be nice when I’m really not

Being sad looking at things wrong

But I would help them if they needed help 

But it makes me wonder why both stand taking the role of each other 

What’s my role 

What’s my status 

What are intentions

Am I really who I say I am 

Akeed no

The last door on the street

I am afraid of my situations

I should have why didn’t I 

I didn’t do this

I didn’t do that 

I need to do this 

Always in a constant battle for foreshortening in my life

And a an unrepaired outcome

Things done last moment

Things not done

Things wrong 

4/5/6 hours of waste each night

Better of asleep 

Better of reading 

Better of watching tv

Bettter of meditating

And then my body says

We hate you carrier

You don’t appreciate us 

You don’t even like us 

Here we are breathing for you

Trying to survive for you and you only 

Look the other way 

Even though you fill the mirror you still see nothing

This year of 2021 I have been overall a minus person

Things are not right in the mind inside

Things are not kind 

Things are working faulty

I’m on the wrong adventure

Or is it no adventure

I’m on the wrong path

It’s lonely

With broken slates and everyone’s inside warm with orange lights eating and drinking their happiness into the future

And I search for the right door

Is it this one ?

Or is it that one?

Which one behind it has all the remedies for my worries

For my helplessness

For me fears

For my everything

I try this door

Looks like a nice story to follow but there’s no hot chocolate her

What about the other door 

But there will never be any vivas here

What about this door

You can send all the emails you want you were not close

I am angry all these doors look glistening actually tricking me all the time 

Try this no try this no this will work 

Well it doesn’t work 

Never has never will 

I stand by a dark sign post and rest my head watching the hot air become cold as it leaves me happily dancing to the sky away from all my negative energy

And then I notice the last door on the street

It’s silent

No lights just one on the side but it’s attractive

The last door before the corner

Before I can’t see what’s on the other side

A big round clog lies on its centre

Nothing major but everything different from all the other doors I’ve knocked on 

My eyes link my mind invisible is drawn 

I walk over  slowly then quickly

And finally I stand in front of the door

Coming closer it looks wider the wood dark but solid

The circular handle nicely smooth 

The door just sits there 

I look around and notice no major sounds but I look down and notice a golden light from under the door. 

I ask myself if I knock on this door who will open? 

And if I knock on this door what will happen. 

Well this is the last door on the street

I’ve knocked on all of them before except this one

I’ve even knocked on some twice three and ten times 

I remind myself what happens when I knock

First the halls look interesting then you understand that there are tricks everywhere

Like it’s not like what ot seems

Like 5 hours of waste

Like feeling constantly tired

I look up the street from where I just was 

Some doors look really attractive 

Maybe I could just go to ones I’ve tried before 

I decide that previous doors are trustworthy at least I know what I’m in for

Failure

I start to walk away 

But then I stop 

The door looks at me and I look at it the wind takes language and turns leaves up on the street

I am suddenly aware of the words of the wind 

The trees sway in harmony

The tiles of the pavement connect with each other

The road is in existence 

I turn around and look at the last door on the street once more

I realise on that moment that I want to go forward not back 

I am interested in what this quiet less glittery door has to show

I take some footsteps and come in front of it again

I take a deep breath fist my hand to knock 

And then ….

To be continued 

Difficult situations -2

When you want to be something and you can’t

When you want to be a good mother and you can’t

When you want to be patient and you cant

When you want to be kind and you cant

When you want to not reply and ypu cant

When you want it to not be this way but it is

When you can’t stand what others are thinking and saying about you but you can’t

When you have work to do but there’s no time

When you want to be the best but end up being the worst

When you fear that will be the case always 

When ypu have 4 chances and you’ve already failed two 

When you think you’re smart but you really are not 

When you think you are healthy but you are really are not

When you’re just tired of being told off so many times it just doesn’t matter anymore

When you’re heartbroken about the results and pretend it’s ok 

It’s not ok 

When youre disgusted with yourself and try to hide that 

When you make a big mistake when ypu thought it wasn’t 

When you have to do something you just don’t want to do 

When you have no time for that paw thing you just do t want to do 

When no one picks up the phone on the other End of the line

When. You have to ring a million times and there is still no answer on the other end of the line 

When the emails you get are horrible

When your email gets forwarded to loads of people you’ve never even met

When youre a fake

When you beg for what’s it yours

I when you get a message that says 

يا خايبة

يخص

When you try to shut it out but you think it’s true 

When your failure is loud 

When you made that failure loud 

When you have to beg like a curling dog

When  you have to be out in your place really

When you have to be out in your place

Fixed mindset - Whwn you cannot get out of it 

When you feel so lonely and so big at the same time 

When it just cannot be done

When you feel so tired and someone else says I’m more tired than you 

So you can just shut up about your tiredness how dare you even think of it 

When the voice is always angry

Just like the exam you will never be able to fix it 

When you are too ashamed 

Difficult situations - 1

Like being time off

Like going out

Like being so naive

Like being what you think you’re not

Like being ambitious without cause

Like having a splitting headache

Like spending all day driving 

Like being tired and not sleeping

Like hating your swollen face

Like sending wrong emails

Like getting angry emails back 

Like knowing people are hating you behind your back 

Like knowing it’s just not for you 

Again like being too naive to see

 Like feeling negative and trying to be positive

Like begging for money

Like misunderstanding everything

Like being misunderstood in everything

Like drawing the wrong attention 

Like asking the wrong things 

Like 

Just

Being

Tired

Like brains cells feeling devastated

A full parking space with an empty heart

The window fills with my breath , the adrenaline beats just like exam time which I failed and failed again when I tried to make what was empty seem full

I feel pathetic not driven

For every reaction there is a solution 

Even if I win at things I still fail at my weakness of being weak 

People cannot fix what I do not have 

People cannot make better what I do not know 

People cannot change their minds about me 

But I can change my mind about the past

Even if the past was yesterday 

Being angry doesn’t work

Being hopeful with the wrong methods doesn’t work

You have left battlefields open 

 Living the lowest best as they said

Didn’t you ask for that now 

Failure is torment at what could have been and didn’t become however 

Failure doesn’t have to be wrong 

To be continued 

Now the mindset is wrong

Steering into loneliness can be a terrible thing

Can be the worst feeling

It’s funny how I don’t listen to anyone except what I shouldn’t listen to

It’s annoying how I annoy myself more than I annoy others

It’s scary how scared I am yet others are fearful of me

I feel hurt 

So I push myself down in the dark

The place of loss

The devils promise

 I promise that I can offer you poverty

And that’s what I’ve taken

I prayed to god that he would not let me return to the place of darkness I was in 

I’m trying but when I fail … sometimes

Does it mean he has not accepted?

I don’t think so 

I think he has

I wouldn’t be here with this idea otherwise

But I am so afraid so I back down into this rubbish hole rather than giving my heart and soul

Who am I ?

Am I really that powerful strength or am I a fake? 

Too many emails

My thoughts blasted on peoples screen 

Uncensored

Powerful but annoying

True but angry 

Mi get so upset with myself 

Why can I not be powerful and kind 

These people are good 

And helpful and yet I am good but unhelpful 

There is a difference

Now I have the result but a new face 

The face of ugly

Dread 

Angst 

I create in others 

When this is not really me 

Visits of a storm

I plead with myself and others to give me a chance

I beg not knowing do I have a right or not but I always try

You win some you lose soMe you win some you lose soMe but you always try

There is something lovely about being safe Inside your home with orange shades reflecting the darkness of a quiet house clean and happy after calmness from childrens laughters and cries . But there is something even nicer about living the storm from safety watching it rhythmically dance wind loud in the circles of force outside crashing into your silent room of hot boaeb herbal tea and warm winter jumpers socks and …. Stormy ways of life 

In those moments of a storm raging outside I give my own storms to it. For it sounds like my fights and my tries . Trying. Living . Breathing. Sometimes flat sometimes soaring sometimes heavy sometimes unknown . 

There’s something lovely about a raging storm when you’re in the nighttime silence warm healthy happy and … enlightened

Growth or fixed ? Can be both . I am both. But I have definitely taught myself how to grow. I would say I have learnt to control my storms in many ways and the ones that still batter me , like my weight I will come to learn. There are ones I fight and there are ones I win and Others I lose and others I ask to open my hearts attempts at before I attempt again. 

Ya Allah help Me

There’s something beautiful about being in a storm safe and guided by no sound just watching the winter trees move and move away and sway dance in those Atlantic visits from the sky

Visits of a storm  its starts at 3 am hung the first rain drops on my face the morning night coming our way I wondered if there would be a bus I hoped that there would and that my plan would help others and thankfully it did. That adrenaline feeling of travel of new adventures of Meeting airports and business lounges boy do I wish I could travel soon but that’s ok I hope I will 

The feeling of adrenaline meeting the red dials of a warm car in a freezing street mistaking the bus each time for lorries and yet I wondered where will everyone go . Here there and back home

Just before it all began . Just before the storm started thinking it would be one day and now it’s two days 

It’s wonderful . This sudden break in time . Just stay just breathe deeply all the new air visiting your lungs coming from deep from the ocean all the way out there. Here. Shaking your boundaries while you silently watch life explain it’s troubles

I have many troubles with myself

And yet today they have escaped into the loud wind that I see hear and only feel if I open the door

So will I open the door and let feel ??

Settling

For nothing the best but what is the best and setting when there are hyenas around 

Do you settle to be free in that case or that you don’t die?

Setting for a distinction in an exam or setting for the weight of your normality 

How many times have you settled

And how many times have you not 

Settling for power within yourself and setting to remain calm amidst the maddening

The best people are in prison having never settled

But are the worst people out there what about the ones that have created transparency 

Hamdok people will die although you say you’ve done this so they won’t 

What have you settled for are you have gone for the best 

Is this the best? 

Is this all the Sudanese can attain?

Is this all I can attain?

 Where is the freedom from within me

Hamdok 

Where is your best settlement 

And where is your worst

Are you ok? I ask 

Is your family ok I ask?

Why did you faint ?

Did you body say no to settling ? 

This isn’t going to work 2

Things are not happening with you 

There’s no point saying I’m kind 

When I’m not

Decision fatigue 

They say

People count on me to make good choices and the bad news is I’m not

Escpecially those who need me most

Because I’m too busy thinking about all the busy messy horrible things 

I scream

I shout my face all swollen and inflamed

I am inflamed

In feelings that are a nuisance

Do the right thing under the wrong conditions 

People speak to meanly and so so I speak bad at others meanly

The circle of nightmares

I don’t want to be like this 

I have no happiness in me right now 

To give to her

I am for sure strong 

But strength isn’t meanness

And strength isn’t now

And strength isnt winning either 

If this then that. 

This isn’t going to work .

Cornered like a mouse I am the dictator and she is the population 

Sad and hurt

And yet my only intention was not to do that

But who will ever understand that force cannot achieve anything

My apology accepted and retracted

Not fully understanding was I sorry or not 

Feeling completely lost 

And finally the result is being late

And screaming and shouting 

Being told off since a long time 

Who’s fault is all this?

Who’s troubles are all this?

Mine or hers

Stubbornness

Power

Turmoil

Anger

Feeling mad

This is not home 

This is not the place of love

This is not the happy place

This is not right

If I can’t do it 5 then I definitely can’t do it at 15 

وطني السودان ٤

كما وعدت نفسي فلقد بدأت قرائة مذكرات 

Victor frankl 

لكي اتمكن من معرفة كيف العيش مع القهر والألم شديد 

فلمن تفارق من زوجته ما كان ان يدري انها قتلت كل الفترة الغاش فيها مسجون وكان يحلم و يتكلم معها مع نفسه 

فانا اسئل نفسي يا وطني 

ماذا كن ان نفعل اذا كن نعرف بقتلك يوم ٢٥ November

ماذا كن لنا ان نفعل

فانتي الزوجة القتلتي ونحن احبائك مع ال الناتذي 

ارجلنا فالجليد ونري كل الحذن  امامنا و نأكل من اسفنا و ناكل من قهرنا لكي نضعف لكي نبقي هيكل عظمي   من كثر الالم

فلقد جاءو 

The nazis of sudan 

 ونحن في صف المستقبل  الي العذاب وانتي يا وطني انتي فالسماء تنذري الينا فما  زنبك انتي؟

انت مثل  زوجة 

Victor frankl

لا كن ندري انك متي اصلا في وصت املنا 

وطني السودان ٣

Change happens whether for good or for bad

When you feel deep anger towards injustice you must withhold your pain and not let that torment you too

You must win your battles that you can control

You just not let the devil get the hold of you

You must win over who you are

And let the grandiosity of evil dissipate from within  

وطني السودان ٢

اتخيل كل المؤتمرات الكانت فالبال و كل اللقائات الكانت بالدفاتر كل الخرط الجميلة و كل الأفكار الإنهاءات 

اتخيل تزاكر السفر التي لغت  والتلفونات التي دمرت

اتخيل حياة الناس الجميلة المرة فيها قطار الشر و الشيطان ليدوس علي ورود المستقبل و يخلي القطع في كل مكان

اتخيل الخير الدمر 

اتخيل كل شيء كيف كان مثل الموت تماما

كيف اذا كان عايش ولكنه مات

اتخيل ال

Funeral 

فكل سوداني يأتي ليعطي عزائه 

البركة فيكم احسن الله عذائكم 

كان جميل والله الوطن

يقولون

بس نعمل شنو المرض ما برحم 

حاولنا العلاج نقول

بس السم ماله علاج نقول

لقد رجع السرطان في عروقه مرة اخري الي ان لا محال للجمال

الله ارحمك يا وطن 

يا وطني 

فلقد تعبنا من دموعنا

و كانت احلامنا كبيرة مثلك 

كانت احلامنا حر 

كن سعيدين 

قبل ان تمت 

ولكنك مت و متنا معاك يا وطني 

وطني السودان ١

اول مرة احس  بالألم مثل هذا وكاني اري سكينة تدخل فيني ولكنها لا تطلع

وكاني اسمع الطبيب يقول لي لقد رجع السرطان في وطنك من جديد و كاني احس بألم كل شخص يفقد كل عزيز

مثلا عندما كان هتلر يصنف العوائل  بالقوة فكانو في افتراق الطرق الرجل يفقد زوجته و اطفاله للموت فال

Gas chambers

والرجل يجب له ان يعيش

دموعي تنزل وتحرق  خدي واتذكر اذا كان كل شرفاء السودان الذي خدعوا عندهم بنات و اولاد ينومون الليل يفكرون في أبوهاتهم المسجونين ويبكون ثم يسئلون امهاتهم عنهم 

كيف يجب ان تكون هذه المرأة فسجنو اهلها وسجنو احلامها 

اتذكر الرجال الشرفاء التي الأن كلهم وراء السجون او تحت الأرض 

وأتذكر الغدر والخيانة وكيف يكون احساسهم 

وكيف احساس البمشو علي جثته وهو ميت

يجب علي قرأة كتاب 

Victor frankl 

المناضل تحت هتلر ولقد عاش ال

Concentration camps

فالأن يجب علي ان اوقف دموعي واجد شخص قد مرة بظروف أليمة و اتعلم كيف عاش خلالها

 وطني السودان 

انك جريج الان 

انك في غيبوبة و الماكنات تنور و تصفر  و انت فالمنام

انت في منامي واحلامي 

احلم فلا يمكن سرقة الأحلام 

Subhan allah when the going gets relative

Literally when evil becomes your relative and another’s happiness is at you loss your stakes

Their smiles are at the expense of your smiles

And their new say is at the loss of your dreams and strengths

You think to yourself

Suddenly

And with fizz

Why?

Sitting in that White House not videos but the rubbish of earth are the devils on the ground 

Thinking they’ve won 

And they might have for awhile 

And that hurts a lot 

But not at the expense of my happiness

Of my hopes and dreams

Of my future 

Not at the expense of my reasoning and my strength my tries and my successes

They can gloat they can do as they wish 

But I won’t let them prevail in my heart

In my soul

Eating away at my confidence

My passes

That number showing on an email 

No 

I won’t 

Dear Eman

My beautiful one

The one I hurt so much yet love so much

I love you with all my heart

With all my soul

Change me and I change for the world

Love me and I fill with pride

Be patient with me as I am not with you

I know I am my mother

When I hate so much to be

At least not in the bad parts

I wish I could stop replicate

And here I am hoping for an answer to not be afraid

Of your reactions and your courage that fears me

Of your strength that commits me to a unknow future that I am excited and positive about

But my actions are not what you deserve 

Not in a good place

A place too big for me

Trying to swim across continents cold and full of salt

I hurt others

And others cry because of me

Shout because of me

Feel tormented because of me

The young the old

I have no mercy

I have no soul

I have lied and I have hidden

And I have been selfish and o have made them all angry and more is probably coming

And yet I am also not smart or nice or beautiful 

Or thin 

Or deserve to be rich or happy

I am not lucky or strong

I am not here or there

I am simply just a failure

A prayer gone wrong

So so wrong

The worst part of me 

Is that I do things that seem right but they are wrong 

I am alone

I truly am

In a whirlpool of angry dreams

I’m just so sad

Today 

So sad 

Why on earth am I doing this ?

So selfish hurting my time

Becoming non advanced

Losing faith

Morphing sin as good

Failing myself

Turning time into mush

Why am I doing this

Not using the free everything I’ve been given 

Giving up on the chances

Allowing imminent failure to win me

Allowing everything to beat me

It’s so easy playing a computer game

It’s so easy being so hurtful and judge and think of others in a bad way

And just get consumed in everything bad

But it’s not easy forgetting the trivial and thinking only of focus

1 million euros

Why not

Pass

Why not

Successful defend without silence and fear

Why not

Only liberating myself is how I can do 

It’s sad

Losing a father who’s still alive

As the plane sets out into the sunset the connection breaks

And the ties dissolve into the pink and blues of the silent skies

Our lives change sometimes with the unknown that slices through us

Sometimes with the unknowns that crystallise us 

Sometimes with everything you could ever want and dream

Sometimes with everything you never had

And sometimes with nothing at all

If you had known that was the last time you’d have him just driving you around and having all the time with you 

If you’d have known the mundane was actually not mundane and quite precious

If you’d known that the time was speedily ticking out of time

And that the plane was coming to take your mundane days 

No seats for you 

No ticket

No visa

Maybe I have it wrong

Maybe they’re so used to him not being around

Maybe they’re already aligned with this day and that deep down maybe they knew it was coming

Maybe it’s not so painful for them

And maybe it is

Life is strange

It can give you goosebumps dreaming about affording business tickets and a new life you never had

And it could give you something else

Which I pray it never gives

I refuse

 to be the bad ending

to be the weak one, the one floating in bad thoughts and worse... delivering the obvious

i refuse to be intimidated but i also refuse to be exploited. i refuse to be strong at the expense of smartness or being fake. i refuse to be made fun of or to be made unavailable for goodness. i am good. i will always be good. i refuse to be ambushed by worry or by death connection. i refuse to be smothered in imaginery thoughts. i refuse to be consumed by the world or by what it may offer. that doesnt mean i dont want to try things. that are allowed of course. but i refuse to fall down holes or taps of buttons that can be powerful enough to suffocate. i refuse to keep trying . i will only try once. i will be faithful. i will only try whats good. 

i refuse to be unhappy. i refuse to fail. at least i refuse to not try and i refuse not trying to be a part of my failure. i refuse to not ask questions to keep analysing to keep hoping and trying but i also refuse to be taken for granted. i want to try and succeed. 

i refuse to be the bad example. i refuse to be the embarassing future. i refuse to be the devils corner . i refuse to be my souls wishes. i will connect with my heart soul and brain together in an elegant and driven manner that is both smart, useful and determined to suceed. Ya Allah as i always ask you - let me be useful to my children. Ya Allah, let me be useful to my self. and my family. Ya Allah protect me from myself most of all. and then from others. for the self is the most dangerous falling to the prey of unknown dreams 

dreams are a two ended sword. and i want to be be pricked by neither end. i want to use the good size to sieze good allowances of the mind. i believe that there is so much the heart and brain can do. and i believe there is more out there for anybody. but there is also destruction.

i refuse to be destroyed. 

Disaster.

Life thoughts and dreams 

Worries and hopes

Combine 

Merge

Dissolve me

My daughter

Her eyes are so beautiful 

And I worry she strays from their beauty 

Melting me with trying to decipher her plans

Her thoughts 

How can I understand her thoughts if I don’t even know mine 

If I don’t even know what I want or what I can do 

If I don’t know how to calculate time by results

And fears become promises

Hopes become huge

And my thoughts are lost in. The middle

And everything consumes me 

What I need

What I want 

What I can do 

What I can’t do 

These days I think there is nothing I can’t do …

And that’s a lost tale 

The thing I really really really really should be able to do 

Which is lose weight

I’ve never managed to do 

So can I succeed 

In everything else

The answer is 

…..

How I feel right now

A failure

A failure of a woman 

A failure of a mother

Begging for love

Looking for answers 

Words

Someone to soothe this pain 

Mama are you ok?

And the medicine is on

But still my thoughts are black

My mind races

Why such difficulty

Why with me like this?

Why am I such a failure with myself

And why do I feel so disappointed so afraid

Why can’t I lick my wounds

At least my wounds are not from an accident

They’ve been layered and I’m angry and afraid

Going to mungnet 

I feel so alone

I am so Alone

These thoughts are just too much 

These wishes are to much to bare

These disappointments little ones are like mountains

It makes me ache 

That I have to try this hard

But in my dreams no one can hurt me 

And that’s why I run to them 

And although I hate them

I give in to them

BecUse in there it’s perfect

The water boy they called him

And he wasn’t for a while

 But now I’m a burden 

Where he answers rarely

And doesn’t for the majority

And where I cry with being so alone

I’m sick of it all

I’m just sick of it all 

You heal me Eman

You really do 

For Saturday mornings are meant for you 

Not for a stupid (word not allowed) computer not working and text messages about work that isn’t even mine and worries that don’t deserve to occupy your special place in my heart 

But they do and so you fight

Beautifully

Taking my phone away 

And it’s the right best thing you could ever do 

And the picture we did (well you 95 me 5) together was wonderful 

And I wasn’t concentrating and you kept at me 

Saying in your own child language 

Look at me 

Pay attention to me 

And 

I miss you 

All the week you’re away and even on Saturday your mind isn’t with me 

I felt awful you pulling and pulling for me to go outside

Bike training really trying to win over me which you deserve

I’m sorry Eman

I’m not a very good mum 

my turmoil is now showing

 Everything is not in the right place

not great

was the answer

i saw it in his face in the morning

and then they saw it in mine

so it must be getting bigger

this void between who i pretend to be and who i really am

things unimaginable

i am unbreakable and i dont know whats right anymore

transferring the opposites of my duaas i am the black cloud

and i am pennyless in good activity

and i am carrying a heavy load

of regret and actions that should be sanctioned

my mind

putty

my hands iron

for benefit of no one

my heart probably clogged

my legs strong but useless

my face swollen

my ears

tired

my eyes

angry

like her they will tell 

one day

my mouth  lacking

my watsapp confused

my water

not drunk

my muscles fading

i am the definition of wrong

and theyre right

i cant stand facing myself

the truth is

i cant stand facing myself

thats why i hate being at home

i cant stand myself

i cant stand anything about me

the woman in me

is like a monster that must stay quiet in front of people

so take it there

i am angry with myself a great deal

i have hurt myself a great deal

i am pushing myself for all the wrong reasons

for example

non one can give me love except myself

unless i give it first 

other peoples love is voluntary 

i can never ever make them give it 

and that is why i feel so empty

waiting for others to fill me

only my love is what i can ask for and what i deserve

i am angry with myself 

this is not what i promised myself

this is nothing  like what i can be 

and right now its doesnt matter whats in the future

but it does matter that i am comfortable with myself

isnt it strange that i spent three weeks and i never once felt guilty

and then things happen and suddenly in 3 days i felt the weight on my shoulders

and all this guilt 

and all this anger

and all this turmoil and dsigust

in just 3 days taking them with me

into this black hole i so desperately want to crawl out of

i cant begin to imagine how annoyed she is with me

my frustration is now hers

and my fears are now her own

and today something else happened

being put in the middle

will he be the judge of us

this isnt the picture of the family i want to create

and nothing is wrong in it except me

 

Mind fog dimness bleakness and cloud

Am feeling lonely

Angry 

Messy 

Empty

Destructive

Lacking

Mean

Big with holes

Small with stupidness

Just all wrong

I feel

Really 

Alone

Always waiting for my phone to click

Always dreaming for the right thing in the wrong place

Always pushing back stress with more stress

Allaying filling my time with the wrong things

Golden time given to robbers

All hard work given to devils

All mistakesgiven back in return as guilt

As less sleep

As the present of being tired

Allah said

Be aware that you might love something that is bad for you

And that is it exactly

I won’t get asked on that 

I won’t be able to write on that 

I won’t be able to create on that 

I won’t be able to say anything in that 

That won’t save me

I feel

Very angry with myself

That I am so calm and can’t even walk 

I feel so silly with myself

I feel empty just empty 

Sleepy

Obsurd 

Walls

Between each other

Why bother

Sometimes 

But then I remember the grandness of love

I search and search 

 It I just can’t find the answer

To finding myself

Ropes I hold

Thoughts i mould

Into nothing

Hours

Scared and meaningless

Walls of fear

Walls in my tears

Walls between my soul and heart

Thumbs and phone work all the time

Walla of repetition

Blind me

I am hypnotised

The poorest resolution

But I would never do that 

Walla of madness walla of bad luck or things bad done 

Standing with the wrong crowd or having the wrong anger

Walla of mistakes that you don’t even know are mistakes

Walla of dreams that you fall from each and every day

IM so sleepy

Leaning against my walls of life

It’s all a haze

A daze

Of brokenness

Walls to build things a future

And walls that need to be broken

I am sad from who I’ve become

Although I know my heart is white

But who cares

The walls won’t let anyone see 

Tommorow is her true last day of Creche

I feel tormented with a joyful pain 

That she is so big and get so small 

I still remember so frightened so In jittered worry to just have her

And here she is nearly 5

And her true last day of Creche

I have seen her break many walls

But I am the reason for her sadness too 

Inside tears

gush through me and tear out my eyes 

secretly flooding the meaning of love that i so madly believe in 

 the truth is nothing true of my wishes t

he truth is heartbreaking and a twist of emptiness 

empty wishes 

empty dreams 

empty words 

empty things 

empty eyes 

empty voices 

empty mornings and evenings too 

 i feel very sad 

that i cannot get across what i want to get across 

that maybe i am incorrect 

 that maybe i am incorrect in trying to always believe 

 I feel sad that i am uncontrollable and that i am existent in a world and he is in another 

I feel sad that i am so alone 

not physically but mentally 

 nobody understands me escpecially those who i need to understand me the most 

 I feel so far away in what i want and need and what i can be given 

the offer is so poor

 its like going into a huge shop you had such big hopes in to find everything you need and desire but it turns out be something else 

 my tears soak me 

my skin has holes and my eyes are blurred and my heart aches 

 I wish i knew the true meaning of words 

 of behind the image 

 of behind the sound 

 of behind the im busy 

 of behind the calling not ringing 

 of behind all the things i dont understand 

or of others that dont want me to understand 

 my towers are shaking 

my strength is faltering 

my confidence is realyl nothing here 

i am this fake person trying to make it in a big mans world without nothing on my side 

 too many worries 

too many questions i cannot ask 

too many answers i feel are not the right ones 

too many misconnections 

 too many wishes i cannont make true 

 too many fears consume me

 too many emotions heavy to carry 

too many responsibilities i have to take alone because today i truly feel alone 

 with all my heart 

 with all my soul 

with all my being 

i feel alone 

i feel so stupid too 

i feel ugly and 

i feel that i am boring

 i feel a mess

 i feel powerless 

i feel disassociated and if i try to ask 

 i fail 

i get shot with roses 

maybe the message didnt delete? 

i dont know 

 i dont care 

 when im upset things always turn to me apologising 

and 

when im upset no one ever fixes it 

and when im upset i have to deal with it alone

and when im upset it has to stay a secret 

and when im upset im probably wrong to feel upset 

and when im upset im probably exxagerating 

and when im upset im probably silly 

and when im upset im probably selfish 

and when im upset i better shut up because ill get the im busy treatment 

 and when im upset i better find the cure quickly 

there must be a cure 

oh but where is it? 

please help me find it ? 

 can i buy it? 

can i conjure it? 

can i whisk it into my heart? 

can i borrow it ? 

 can i find it thrown away ? 

can I make it?

 please there must be a cure 

 its like love has become professional not balanced 

 ask for a letter you get it in a millisecond ask for love you must be joking

Who am I angry at ?

for I really have no one to be angry at but myself feeling the weakness but i am angry its like im being isolated from love although i am the most that loves it its like im being asked for nothing although i want to give all my love its like im stupid although i know i more better and clever than this its like im angry at the whole world but mostly the whole world is me because i know at the end Allah will only ask me why i did that and it wont be oh, let someone else take the blame no one can take the blame for my anger and weaknesses but me and just as i do i pay just as i break i shatter its wrong full stop its wrong but who am i angry at? who deserves to have responsibility for my pain?

Who’s at fault

Who’s at fault 

Me or you 

What would you do?

In the middle of the night I call and you don’t answer

Hoping I would just go away 

Even when I’m so far away from you

I’m still annoying

So I call again

This time you do answer

Making sure I feel remorse

Kind sharp words weighted with 

We were just watching a film

The invisible friend

I ask myself why your friend doesn’t sit with his family

Don’t his children need him 

Well I hope they don’t asthen I would be at fault

Powerful love only comes in series

Far far away 

Above the skies  as beyond the land of magic

Deep deep within me

I see another world 

I feel other things

I am someone loved 

Deep deep away 

I don’t have to dream 

It’s all real

Deep deep away 

I’m not the same

I don’t have to call 

I do t have to fear

I don’t have to worry about worrying about thinking someThing that then I worry about it

Worrying about it 

There’s no worry deep deep away

And even if there was

Didn’t I tell you I’m your support 

For all time to come

So who’s at fault me or you?

You or me

The chosen or the one I chose

The here or there

Thr trying or failing

The being weak or breakin down

Who is at fault 

Tell me I need to know

So when I cry 

Tears fall for a plane

Angled for love

Who’s at fault 

Trance like

I’m in a trance

Called everything will be ok suddenly and you just don’t worry about anything except the dreams 

Worrying creates pain - 

So dream instead

Now I have added this extended pressure that I cannot make positive no more

Habits strengthen me and solidify my weaknesses filling the cracks with lava initially that hurt but after cooling make things alright 

Why not you?

Why can’t you?

Why so slow?

Why like this and not that?

Didn’t we say comparisons were the worst!

And now here I am comparing this amazing man with no man 

A story with a bigger story

Myself with my dream self

My old self with this nobody

My now with someone or something invisible

And yet the visible I. Choose to ignore

My health

My mind

My intelligence

Suddenly I’m thinking I’m the worst writer in the world rather than I’m a new writer with so many possibilities 

And why did I forget all that I have written ? All my abilities and capabilities and the most important

Passion and belief 

I’m suddenly giving up all this hard work and effort for nothing 

Suddenly pushing aside all the hard work I have to really do 

Giving my ears and everything away. 

What does it all matter?

Just dream on eh? 

Suddenly, life is back to being messy back to being goal less

Back to being too much for me 

Back to being what it was like before Ramadan 

But isn’t that what I exactly asked for would not happen 

They see you from where you cannot

Devils come and go and some stay

We have been informed and told they see you from where you cannot

I imagine devils watching me letting myself down

Because in this life the one chance we have to drive success and happiness is fragile 

And I ask myself

Why not me?

So the devil answers

It will never be you 

And then I believe

So I stop

And my mind gets foggy 

And my admiration for my strength is no more

I just see myself as a sack of fat

And a bad mother

And ugly wife and disappointing daughter

And a human with no integrity

And 

And

So the devil hits high five with the crew

See I told you it might take me longer to beat this one after Ramadan but I told you I have no doubt that I can send her rolling and falling 

So I ask myself

Isn’t it sad that the devil would be so weak and yet so strong at the same time

That he has committed to breaking dreams and goodness and aspirations and hope

This evil one wins?

And then me the good one

The really strong one I said

The one that can’t bare to give up or be told off

Loses? 

And it’s all because I have left the devil do so 

From the place he sees me and I cannot

But isnt that his only advantage? 

And didn’t god give me a heads up telling me 

That this is the case

So who has the advantage then? 

Who really has the advantage? 

An empty hole

Deep inside me there used to be worry anger and pain all filling this massive hole 

Expectation too 

Note that the hole can only be filled with bad things getting bigger like the darkest galaxy if you feed it and smaller and smaller  if you don’t 

So now there is just an empty hole

It’s still big from what it used to be 

Awaiting fillingBegging me to dive into its smooth corners where you just have no grip and tumble and tumble and tumble Or the shiny black walls that you can’t see anything past it 
But I am working. Each and everyday on not giving a place inside me for this empty hole to growA month on from Ramadan there are so many 

Unanswered questions and plenty of why’s 

Anger and fear

They’re all outside my hole banging to come in find a home for themselves 

Like swarms 

But my hole is not open for living or renting space

It’s not open 

It’s just closed and out of order 

And you know how this is happening?

Which is a miracle really

As I was previously filled with sorrow and remorse

The answer lies in trusting gods plan 

It’s as simple as that 

You can only do so much and you can only do what comes out of you and you can only look to you for existence

No one else can make you exist 

You can’t change people’s thoughts or actions and if you try align them with yours you just fail 

In most things anyway 

You just fail 

But if you look at yourself and yourself only and pray and look inwards to that empty hole to reflect light on it

You won’t have space or time to be angry to be questionable or to be afraid

I am now living by maintaining a habit of reading a small bit of Quran each night and making Duaa 

Duaa supports the life in you . Makes you feel like a winner fills you up with hope and strength and makes you know that you are not alone 

The Quran even if it’s small stabilises things 

And so now I sit with my empty hole waiting for it to get smaller 

And living outside it 

Looking at the 10/40

Sometimes you fail and you get that result so you have to choose

Do you continue in what it is you have a fail in until the end or do you give up and say it’s too hard

Or it’s not for me 

Or I knew I was in too deep 

I chose to continue - to put that result behind me and do the rest trying as I handed things forwards not just doing it 

No trying and doing and guess what 

That result changed from 10/40 

To 65/100 

And even more 

I passed 

A 

Really

Hard

Module

 

Others left it 

Others gave up 

But I will never forget sitting there with battery life doing an mcq in mid Khartoum crying over some things in my life just before and feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom 

The equations however were not harder than me or life

And so here I am in the future of that woman in the past who didn’t give up translating  her tears and efforts with success

Life is like that 

Filled with yes and no 

Filled with try and try harder

But most importantly 

Filled with 

Do not take the fail 

Move forwards and keep going until those fails becomes passes 

Do not look at the small picture

Look at the big

Do not look at the little bad things

Look at the little good things

And remember you can do it 

You do have the ability and you are not in the wrong territory

Also remember that only god can love u in a way that can save you so turn to him 

one day before Ramadan_living in worry and fantasy

8) Pisces Pisces don't like working hard Pisces want to be more active and driven but there’s too much going on in their lives for them to stay focused. Of course, they have some inner grit but worries and fantasy take hold of their imaginations too often for them to remain motivated about working. They see themselves as victims of circumstance rather than just being lazy. And it is very true even reading the horoscope has allowed me to not guilt myself for not praying ontime and concentrating on the awkward sure its a matter of everything happening to me not by me but being a victim or feeling as such is nothing more than a crutch than a crumbled foil with nothing in it nothing more than throwing yourself out to the dogs.... one day before Ramadan and im a mess im all wrong im unhappy with how i look im unhappy with my thoughts and actions im unhappy with my inability to continue things i want and dream im unhappy with my lack of patience im unhappy with my attitude towards myself first , then others i dont see the best in me at all as its just covered in mud in dirt in turmoil in lack of concentration worries and fantasy is right its exactly me all i do is live in worry and fantasy

50 reasons I love you

50 Reasons🌹🌹🌹 I love you🌹🌹

Pretty.👩

Soul mate👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Sweet😘

Never give up on me🤦‍♀️

Honest😊

Dedicated 🤩

Confident😎

Sexy🥰

Respectful 🧕

Trustworthy👍🏼

My rock🤩

Make me feel happy😂

You love me no matter🤪 what

Selfless😇

Generous 💸

Good friend👫

Honey eyes 👁️👁️

Wise🙈🙊🙉

 Forgiving💞

Humble🦋

Godly example🤡

Married me👰🤵

Best Mum🤱

Love shopping

Keep me safe💌

Protective

Amazing wife👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Do anything for me🌈

Excellent cooker👩‍🍳

Motivated

Believe in us🎼🎼🎼

Funny

Loving 💛🧡❤️💜💙💚

Likes to travel 🇰🇾🇧🇷🇳🇱🇸🇧🇪🇭🇬🇧🇺🇸

Know good restaurants 🏬🏢🏤

Hard worker

Clever 

And the love of my life💘

Pieces of me 19- a hopeful twist

The 5 year title 2026 – A hopeful twist 

A lovely person, with a great attitude. Having a great job, truly fulfilled but also being a dedicated mother and wife. A writer. A cook. A traveller. A collector of beautiful things. A supporter not a leader for my family. A person they can count on and that they can love. I want to find health and wealth first in my mind and then in heart followed by money. I wish no drama. I wish actually the mundane, the normal. A life of no drama with simplicity is lovely. The mundanity of excellence. Yes. I wish lots of books. Lots of magazines. Lots of podcasts and hot coffee. And of course mint tea. Going with my family to ramadans in Egypt and then the madina and then hajj. Musalsals. Being a tv fan, a shahid fan, a now fan, a Netflix fan. Having good eyes only. Ramadan in Khartoum with my lovely family. Maybe a new house, maybe not. But wherever I am I want to be never complacent. Never in turmoil and never out of love. Most importantly I want my husband. Who I love very very much and desire to have forever. I find lust and trust in him. I find honesty and calm. I find love and happiness. I find a deep connection. I find friendship and joy. I find connections that meet like jigsaws. I find understanding. He is like a book of breath to me. One that I need and strive to have. Because of him, I try. Because of my family, I live. Because of me, I wake up.  

Pieces of me 16- very close forever

I wish we can be very close forever

Not losing pace 

 Not losing fight

Not losing plight of our aims and mission

Not losing effort

Doing things like you feel true about it 

Pieces of me 11- the red cup

Of tea sits from the morning

If I hadn’t saved the fruit salad it would be in the same fate

So if we’re in a new life with new ways 

Why keep old ways

New ways are here

So cups should not sit and fruit salads will never be made again 

Pieces of me 10- the mistake

To cry over the wrong things

To say the wrong things

To feel the wrong things

To want the wrong things

To pray I could take them back

Nothing can be taken back 

Nothing can move back 

Only forwards

It was mistake when I never believed

All good things do come to an end

It was a mistake

To forget my life and how it works

To forget that finding happiness is  in my hand

It was a mistake

To have high expectations

Yes

That was the biggest mistake

To have high expectations

It was a mistake to stop asking

What if I never found out?

Pieces of me 9- the decision

Is to write write

Write and write

It’s the only way to heal

Paper can’t shout 

Paper can’t misunderstand

paper can’t shut

Paper is white

Paper is truth 

Beliefs must stay core

Good things must stay core

Good things I have control over 

Like listening to podcasts music series and radio

Like writing about love

Like being at peace with my beautiful children

Like finding allah for I have lost him 

Like finding myself

Like being nice to myself

Like believing in myself 

Like never confusing strength with anything else

I will no longer turn to disappointment

No longer turn to fear

No longer turn to threats

And no longer turn to expectation

I will not lie

I am very hurt

I am very angry

I am very disappointed

I am very discouraged

I am scared

But like a cancer diagnosis or like an ill heart

Or like any other disease

It must be faced full on and the treatment found

And even in the bad cases

When treatment fails 

People still try 

Before it’s all over

They still try 

Pieces of me 8 - I came here

To be happy 

I came here to be loved

I came here to be attached 

I came here to be light

I came here with dreams

I came here with hopes 

I came here with a vision 

I came here with excitement 

I came here with defiance

I came here for completion 

I came here with things

I came here with nice things

I came here to find myself

And my family to reconnect

I came here for connection

I came here for love

I came here so I wouldn’t be alone

A lot of these things happened

But for a small amount of time

A very small amount of time

And then none of these happened

And life became sour

Became 

Quiet

Khartoum heartbreak at its best

01.01 am here in the desert with stings if all kind

For the balcony cools the mosquitos and invites them to bite my open heart 

That admits defeat

That admits sorrow 

That admits shock

And the biggest sadness

Loss

The stings are numerous

But I give my body to the malarial insight of a broken relationship 

For imagine!

Distance had hidden us into lies!

And the power of similar numbers but with one different at the end 

Tore us apart

I feel like I’m at the farthest location on earth 

The tents of the deepest Persian mountains 

Or maybe the smallest town on earth 

Or maybe the most silent

I ask myself

What is mOre important to me 

My health and happiness my smartness my goodness or something else? 

Pieces of me 7- the secret mirror

Innocent means that you did not commit the crime. Not Guilty means that there was not sufficient evidence to determine that you did commit the crime. 

In my life 

There is a secret mirror

Where secrets come out

Like a flinging snake coming out of fire

Burning and stinging in the storm

I am innocent

But the secret mirror showed bluntness 

Twirling tables and twisted thoughts 

Maybe for both of us 

I don’t know 

But I do know I am innocent

Does the secret mirror know? 

Itsreflection is not of the things u see

Or the things you know

It’s secret is in its secret

It’s unknown words

And it’s unknown goal

It’s unknown action

What’s it doing? 

Is it a good mirror or is it a bad mirror?

I don’t know 

But I do think it’s honest

Whatever comes out might not be it’s fault 

But Then I understood it’s meant to protect me 

Or is it just meant to protect the truth

For the first time in my life I understand what I feel like for a person being given told the verdict they’re guilty when they’re innocent 

How it must feel 

The pain 

The pain

Of being jailed when you should be free

When you have to suffer because you were so pure

Pieces of me 6- the woman with renal failure

Before she died one day said to me 

Once upon a time I had the best life in the world

I was the happiest woman in the world

But then terrible things happened to her 

Things that are too painful to write

For me

Too terrible to think of 

Too terrible to imagine how she must have felt

Except her kidneys failing 

Except her life never as she imagined

Except how she had to accept the screams and the illnesses not just to her but to her whole family

Who are now in different corners of infinity

Held only by memory and history

That one day 

Far away 

There was a family that was actually really really happy but they no longer exist

Dear blog

My heart aches for how my life is going

And I am so scared

I know that I have to be strong and powerful and show my muscles

But my muscles are only weak and frail 

And my despair is suffocating

My gashes are now large

And my fears are now rampant

Eating me alive 

Until maybe the kidneys or the heart or other organs will be gone 

Pieces of me 5- doing everything u said u wudnt do

It’s interesting

You said you had a belief that you cannot make someone want or love u 

What happened to that 

Dont you know anything about love

Dont you have any characteristics to show for how much you love love? 

Pieces of me 4... the lost picture

Let me take you through a journey

From all the away across the seas in front of a camera in the middle of a faraway land

I stood and smiled 

Alone at the time but maybe not quite

For little miracles where happening and the picture stood still

Of my face

Little did I know what that picture would mean 

The meaning of the end of something that has happened and no more is it happening now

And then the picture flew back with me and went to others moving into them and their hearts

And their phones too

Meaning a lot and being there for Avery long time

Until one day

The picture got lost and was erased

By the future 

For no picture can stand such turmoil

No happy smile can stand such sorrow

No shiny but simple necklace can be beautiful purchased from Khartoum worn in San Antonio  taken around in the pockets everywhere and finally thrown to the rubbish of bitterness

It deletes itself 

Shadows away like those pictures they put of dead people and they right the years of living and dying

That is what that picture stands for

When I took it

Living and dying 

It’s just so sad

That we would have to go through this

All because of a phd and some extra weight

The cost of being a good person

It’s just so sad that we would have to go through this

Dark words and all

Unspoken drama or the uncensored flurry of meanness evilness 

It’s just so sad that we would have to go through this 

I thought my life was zuzu and rainbows

And a bit of hot fries in subsaharan Africa

And maybe cold 7up to quench the excitement that has now turned to pain

It’s just so sad

We are filled with remorse and anger hate towards each other and so much trepidation 

So much uncertainty 

What’s the probability that it’s all right or it’s All wrong? 

Well at the moment it’s. a significant vLue that it’s all just a fundamental flaw

One letting me not want to repeat the excitement for it just brings the same null results

It’s just so sad that we have to go through this

All because of a phd and some extra weight 

Pieces of me 3... Eman and Ahmed

Strangely , I am content

For I know my ground and my ambiance

Yes

I am heartbroken destructed at how a second moment lingers the destruction of a beautiful day

Like a summer breeze

Bombed with the shelling of war

But I have Eman and Ahmed

My beautiful 

I could never love someone more

He follows me he trusts me fully he needs me 

He wants me as just me with no judgement

Isn’t that beautiful? 

And his sweet little hand fits my tears 

And his silent breath holds mine accountable

And his beautiful lips shine my journey

As for Eman

She is really a wonder

A difficult divine prosperous creature asking for everything at the same time

Her heart soft but her words tough

Just like me

Boy is she like me

Like a thunder in the darkness she is my light

And like the rock in the storm I cling onto her

Her eyes needing me in all her might

She is just a little little thing

Even though her voice is wow! 

And her mind is ... mysterious

She is mine and I want her just like she is 

She is the princess of strength the princess of questions 

The princess of my heart and soul

I ask she forgives me one day for all my madness 

All my inequalities 

I ask they both never stop loving me 

I hope they love me with purity

With true true true true love

The kind that you can trust blindly

I wish they hold me tight and warm me

I ask they get smart and clear and confident and most importantly

I beg they love each other more than anything and that they support one another

Because they have each other 

2 amazing souls

Pieces of me 2 - luck

I find myself asking - is it strategy or luck 

Is it defiance or goodwill

Is it solidity or vapour of truth

The answer is I believe allah helped me and is helping me and I thank him for that each and every second without deserving without even knowing 

Is it the time is it the reason is it the flicking of lanes is it the goal is it the speed is it the way is it the exchange of power or the exchange of truth is it the loss of something and the gain of something else is it the fear the ocean of ignorance

All I know is - god is with me and I am not deserving 

Pieces of me

What does it mean to be smart , to be informed and to be wise? 

Well as woman, I think all the above come first from being a woman, our abilities to be strong to expand our emotions and accept but also to not accept. to balance life, to balance ourselves. being smart is to love yourself truly first. Because I realise that, no one can do that true honour for you 

Yes others can love you, deeply and wonderfully, can give you joy and happiness and can support and comfort you make life exciting and beautiful and most importantly can be there for you and help you, but at the same time – no one can really love you like you can love yourself – and to do that you must offer yourself gratitude, support, and most importantly acceptance. 

Being loving of yourself can heal your heart, can give honour to your mind and allow the access you need to open new pathways and new hopes. For no matter what, there is always hope, there is always a path forwards and a way to find a smile. Its vital you don’t fall in lifes miseries, miseries that others create for you, miseries that others just don’t care about, or think about . so you also don’t think about. Find the goodness. Find the purity. And don’t worry. If God put you in it. He will pull you out of it.  

18 January 2021

A small act changed my life 

It came out of the blue

But changed my future quick

Erased my beautiful past with a swipe 

And broke my wings

Those wings I use to fight and fly with

Dream and feel free with

Feel strong and powerful with

Feel good and happy with

Feel proud and determined with

Feel solid and unbroken with

All those things changed 

It was like a new dawn a new era upon me 

But without the sun

Without the trust I had given away so easily

I don’t know

A part of me remains

Catching the cool wind and trying to entertain

The remaining is in the spiders web only able to watch asking silently 

That old hope filled with fire and power I feel is gone

But then I ask 

It was already gone 

I had eaten into the power of me

Through my loud voice and anxiousness

Through my seemingly invisible strength

Here I am 

Shouting and singing threats 

Never able to face defeat

Instead hitting it until I bruise

And then asking people to fix my bruises

Here I am wanting the results without trying

Expecting gain without effort

Trying But never really

Wanting but never asking

Myself

On the 18th January 2021 i realised I truly was alone

But the worst is that I had really failed myself

Believing in others never really ever believing in me

Trusting others but not me

Living my life not to its potential or nowhere near while others were very much living ... differently to me anyway 

And here I was not in harmony with my soul or myself or my goals or my dreams or my aspirations

Being led with a rope face in mud 

And expecting that the sandalwood of my heart will still show

I am sad but from no one but myself

I am feeling so alone because I am not close to god or myself

I am feeling powerless because I have never given myself the power of persistence or strength

I am feeling in pain because I have given myself word and kept it