Friday, August 27, 2021

How I feel right now

A failure
A failure of a woman 

A failure of a mother

Begging for love
Looking for answers 
Words
Someone to soothe this pain 

Mama are you ok?
And the medicine is on
But still my thoughts are black
My mind races
Why such difficulty
Why with me like this?
Why am I such a failure with myself
And why do I feel so disappointed so afraid

Why can’t I lick my wounds
At least my wounds are not from an accident
They’ve been layered and I’m angry and afraid
Going to mungnet 
I feel so alone
I am so Alone
These thoughts are just too much 
These wishes are to much to bare
These disappointments little ones are like mountains
It makes me ache 
That I have to try this hard
But in my dreams no one can hurt me 
And that’s why I run to them 
And although I hate them
I give in to them
BecUse in there it’s perfect

The water boy they called him
And he wasn’t for a while
 But now I’m a burden 
Where he answers rarely
And doesn’t for the majority
And where I cry with being so alone

I’m sick of it all
I’m just sick of it all 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -