Sunday, September 26, 2021

I refuse

 to be the bad ending

to be the weak one, the one floating in bad thoughts and worse... delivering the obvious

i refuse to be intimidated but i also refuse to be exploited. i refuse to be strong at the expense of smartness or being fake. i refuse to be made fun of or to be made unavailable for goodness. i am good. i will always be good. i refuse to be ambushed by worry or by death connection. i refuse to be smothered in imaginery thoughts. i refuse to be consumed by the world or by what it may offer. that doesnt mean i dont want to try things. that are allowed of course. but i refuse to fall down holes or taps of buttons that can be powerful enough to suffocate. i refuse to keep trying . i will only try once. i will be faithful. i will only try whats good. 

i refuse to be unhappy. i refuse to fail. at least i refuse to not try and i refuse not trying to be a part of my failure. i refuse to not ask questions to keep analysing to keep hoping and trying but i also refuse to be taken for granted. i want to try and succeed. 


i refuse to be the bad example. i refuse to be the embarassing future. i refuse to be the devils corner . i refuse to be my souls wishes. i will connect with my heart soul and brain together in an elegant and driven manner that is both smart, useful and determined to suceed. Ya Allah as i always ask you - let me be useful to my children. Ya Allah, let me be useful to my self. and my family. Ya Allah protect me from myself most of all. and then from others. for the self is the most dangerous falling to the prey of unknown dreams 

dreams are a two ended sword. and i want to be be pricked by neither end. i want to use the good size to sieze good allowances of the mind. i believe that there is so much the heart and brain can do. and i believe there is more out there for anybody. but there is also destruction.

i refuse to be destroyed. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Disaster.

Life thoughts and dreams 
Worries and hopes
Combine 
Merge
Dissolve me
My daughter
Her eyes are so beautiful 
And I worry she strays from their beauty 
Melting me with trying to decipher her plans
Her thoughts 
How can I understand her thoughts if I don’t even know mine 
If I don’t even know what I want or what I can do 
If I don’t know how to calculate time by results
And fears become promises
Hopes become huge
And my thoughts are lost in. The middle
And everything consumes me 

What I need
What I want 
What I can do 
What I can’t do 
These days I think there is nothing I can’t do …
And that’s a lost tale 

The thing I really really really really should be able to do 
Which is lose weight
I’ve never managed to do 

So can I succeed 
In everything else

The answer is 

…..

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -