day off 1

 sitting in the vast internet are my small thoughts 

 but today they are not so small because its my day off

and ive been wanting and waiting for a lot of things

but nothing comes

i read i think to myself

maybe im not the queen of romance after all 

how can i be 

when all i wish is company but all i g et is the same me that i take to work

i will not force anybody to sit with me

last time i said it - the answer was - why are u like this?

kindly....

because its a choice

in my heart i always believe love actions a re achoice

that should never be forced

like the tears falling now

are a choice

because i keep reading the choices i dont have

but

i could create them

with my words

that are inexperienced

but nevertheless 

there

i wonder is that i work a lot 

so used to it

just another day

whats so special about me after all?

im just a bossy - first class baggage size woman

and as i watch my things

and my life ....lonely

i couldnt describe a better word

mama nagat 2

the modern one

that one allah doesnt love at all

i remember she said she was born at 7mths and her father thought she would die

but checked in everyday and asked the nurses was she alive

and he did this for nearly 3months until she was ok to leave home

short of a miracle really

im glad she was alive

and i deserve every single bit of loneliness

and then i remember how second chances were given but i show pictures to reflect his strength and yet remember she died on my birthday

things only i will ever understand

and i wonder will the coincidence be too much for to hide to myself

its not

i see it

and im making it up

then thats the romantic in me

im like this woman from an extra terrestial planet strong so strong

with powers inside me thingsi know and things i dont

things i can access and things i cant 

but they're all there

my buttons inactive to fly to my place but i should like to think i can be beautiful and deeply wanted

and i should like to think where im lost i have friends that really do talk to me and i can talk to them

and in that place i come from that i get forgiven too

but im here and the waves of non woman material inside me want to come out but i know that if they will

they can damage the whole world

that how much i wish and want for me to have been.....something else

and yet on my  day off i sit here writing about loneliness 

taking a deep breath and trying to not worry about al lthe tings that can break me

thats not the right move

the right thing to do would be to let the nerves fry to the single end inside letting them frizzle and frazzle while drinking tea.

the right thing to do would be to hold grace as if a massive wave was coming and like in that move the girl goes to her father even though they never got on and chooses to die with him as the water comes

the right things to do would be to accept i have no friends near or far. 

 the right thing to do would be to accept i am the man when i want to be the woman

one of those that uses all the cards beeping around with an x9 .... in heels

the right thing to do would be not to drag and tear the sides of my nails all the time 

the right thing to do would be not to cry

dont cry 

Just nothing

I feel nothing even though i feel it all

It meansnothing even though i have it all 

Im angry 

Im hot

Im scared

Im not

Im so lonely even though the sun is outside

Never ever

So weak inside

I feel so lonely even though there are people around

Itswhy i talk too much and smile and laugh

Or shall i showthem the way i crack

The lava inside usually holds

I have enough skin

But im having a leak 

…

Itsgoonv to come out

Through my tears

So i have to get soemthnig that doesnt melt with the pain 

Something strong

Allah hates me and i hate me

And peoplewho love me cant stand me and i cant stand me

And peoplewho knowme

Think they do 

….

So magical thing

Where are u so i can lock that lava trying to seep and combust inside

While clocks tick as normal 

Every

Single

Second

.

just numbers 2

 but it tells the truth

100 makes me angry because it means so much more. 

you dont care how much i try and your responsibilities are not hte same

and now theres 2400 at least knowing it cant be makes it easier

i worry grab right and left and when it comes you dont give me

makes me sick to my ..... capabilities

i feel... lonely more than anyone will ever know

you know a hard skill is stopping your tears from falling in front of your family

and then theres jsut 1300? was it 

the choices are made

not mine to make

like who works with me and who doesnt

like days i work and days i dont

like things i say and things i dont 

like a small thnakyou that does mean something at least amidst the i dont know 60 something 

and now theres bulks coming

and the clouds ruined it

 thanking me when its meaningless hurts

not helping truly and honestly hurts

depending on the wrong

hurts

and im using a lot of words to expand on my crimes

i hate myself for showing i hate myself for 

being who i am....

lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely

my fingers learn like the numbers on my card

4.... something something something something something something something something something seomthing

do you have cash? no i dont 

not today

.....maybe another day

before i cant

smile and laugh through the eclipse itried

people using me i know 

people thanking me for waht 

spending money?

at least i tried

aNd now its time

to drive on

the pain and the working in circles

heat of an iron nearby

thats it 

its good though

just numbers....

 Ya Allah here i pray sometimes least of all i nay

70 + i hope i never have to dissolve my memories never

but i am on the precipice of falling or walking i just dont know are u angry or ok with all the images that betray

or maybe genralise into existence  this isnt normal and i am different

500+ its mine or it isnt

i am wandering alone and strong

ya allah always the case never wrong

ya allah i ask for defiance and light amidst the storms

for i have none i am worn

ya allah i ask for memory that works not sins that turmoil

neck/head sore suddenly i am alone lets look at numbers nearly 60 waiting for a million or 2... or 3

where the hard work though 120, 130, 900, 1200, numbers number make all sense to me but you

- minus today , repay tomorrow? 

dont know 

430, 203 or is it 230 i cant remember and then 79 without order i chase the rays

of my tiredness

and i have no because to be mad 

for at least i am not alone 

writing good or bad 

ugly or messy keeps me ..... 

but hang on i am not a writer

just a visual interpretor

or visual dreamer

or elegant evil doer

dunno

but not a writer

maybe good imaginer

i wish

....

i am always in the positive and in credt

Aircons in wrong countries

It made me so happy -The look on the wall the lightness in the air the feel of the remote in your hand as you decide on 19 or 21 degrees and the energy in the fan

My tears fall as i remember my sudan house the buzz they made when the machine magically turns on and you know there is coolness coming in the desert heat

And when the electricity dissappears the silence the house makes as they go queit

…

And now here all the way here

In europe

One got installed

The sadness it brought me

It was like it asked 

How are my old friends ? 

And i had to say we lost them to the war. 

And then a silence

As times and thnigs lost came into view

The new aircon cooled my memories but somehow blasted my heart into fire

For i ownded things in sudan

And only rent here….barely rent here

There were 18 aircons in our house

….

And im barely surviving here although i have to be the strongest

Im such a hyppocrite too

Me

Asking for a new chance

To not be worried to not be bad

To not be angry to not be sad

To think of attitudes

Messes and life

To try hard to fit in myself and my whole self

Tje magic isnt gone

The place is there

A

Space 

A day atime of wonderful reach 

So stop hating the twirly way u took but get off it today and start freeh 

God loves u yes he does

No anger from him stop saying that 

Stop making thingd hard fo ur self

It starts with that

Think of the day u had teaspoons of jamhalf and half cheese

U were close bit it wasnt ur place

And niw make a promise

This has to stop

U deserve better u deserve to be happy

U deserve to walk and smile and live and love

Alhamdulilah 

One mistake

Costs 1200 and 550 more

The balance of life is makes me fall down the dark cliff

I am inundated with the wrong numbers

26000 amd then some

For loss and more bargained effort that only explains drama

Sometimes i wish im sucked into the pain and glory

But here i am

127 andcounting 

43 and or 44 and 24 and then some

Numbers 

Make my life wirse make my life bettr

The 5 lost 

Eqxh day set me up for hell 

But i cant see any good in me anymore

I 

Am 

Not

Me

I am lonely

I am afraid

Constantly

I am unhealthy

I am really bad like in tennis or opera

Really bad

Even in anything

Like dreaming

Or convincing

Or hiding

Or letting people love me

But i know thats not true

Or is it

I think it is