Day off 3

one day i read some lines and understood things differently

it wasn't magical or anything 

but since then things went on the same rail track but didn't

i still see myself trying to coax forgiveness and getting pictures changed....forever

my grandmother a religious woman in my opinion lived her life alone almost the last 7 years of her life. i contributed to that. so its no wonder its happening all over again.

but at least she had faith.... i have..... 

sometimes i wonder what it takes to ask a question or to go for a walk or to calm the hell down

or where this magic water is that may cool me or take away this gap in my heart

its like trying to find a lost watch in the middle of a field while taking three kids to an event and meeting people you know and dont k now worrying about your little one and indeed finding him up the hill but thankfully middle child runs to get him while yu push a pram all the way up in order to get there and then say hi to a few more while being annoyed that you lost .... the digital part of ..her watch.

as one who believes in romance. i should know

that you can never 

ever 

ever 

ever

ever

ever

ever 

ever 

ever 

ever make a man want you 

he has to want to want you

otherwise its nonsense really

so then i wonder why on my day off 

again 

i

am 

alone.

i dont know 

the fire wont extinguish and the lava wont spill its fuming and gaping and spinning inside running around my veins like orange fury swiftly speeding across and inside and absorbed all the way in but not tall the way out

its hard to hold

but i try 

i guess its that time of the month .....

when hormones play up 

not loneliness

not failed attempts

not power over me that i am so scared to lose

will i lose?

well i have already lost haven't i 

yes indeed

but  i cant live like this forever so when i stop.....what will become of me?

enrolment has started

the idea encased and settled a long long time ago driving in car in downtown khartoum one day

why her and not you?

i think my loneleniness has worsened since i lost sudan

those henna swirls and thoobs that you wear for weddings or anything and fresh hair done and maybe even the sandal freshness

icant 

im something im not and im everything i am

i wish i could trust my abilities

they call it high functioning anxiety ort something like that but i dont have that

i just have ..... me

but its seeping you see

people always wsay to me why u worried why u saying that why you doing taht 

and i wonder is it me or them?

like i got to hold that orange with my hand and as it sizzles dont stop until it goes back inside

there.....

i rub my hand a little and the skin returns to normal

its all normal

what would happen at 60? would i still drive al lthe way there?

i need to do something 

i cant trust anyone in this but me

no one can help me but me

nobosy wants to help me but me

and i fnish with this stroy

a long time ago january 18th 2021 but could be 2022 but its definitely january 18th i read some lines and understood things differently

it was anormal morning but we had gotten a present one from a religious guru where stuff helps shine transaprency and boy was that what happened..

and then it happened that i lost the power and my picture got deleted.

and the fmaily one placed in stead

because fmaily is important than.....

its my day off

i wish i could ifnish a book

and settle my loves

and find my mojo and get back to walking and sotp eating and use my time and love

something else.....

What have u decided?

Push me grab me prod and look

Intrude sick intrude bad intrude weird intrude 

Allthe way in all the way out

Think wrong think things

Fun now turned addict

Try thistry that new things

Dont write that 

Look good feel shit

Try to be normal

The lava has burnt 

Actually ive passed the test of accepting the pain 

I want things

I need things 

Cant have them 

Write them

Maybe

Theyll never be good like in my mind

No confidence no goodness i dont want to be here

Or there

Or anywher

Nothing is making me happy

Nothing is making me stop

Maybe midlife crisis

There i just let out my age

Deprived

I am deprived now of all religion

Of all love for myself

Of all calmness

I am  sick

Officially

Officially oficially

Sick

No treatment though 

Sd like sweet dreams or standard deviation

But this isnt standard

Its more like

Off course severed

Could be sin days ot sexually deprived

Or depleted

Or sudden disaster

Or sick days

Or shit drama 

Day off 2

Ill annoy you with my music 

But ur like chocolate

So can i have some chocolate taste today ?

Silence

Hey can i  sit with you?

Sure

What u doing

Work

The deadline

Yes

Going well 

Silence with stare

Shut the fuck up or leave me alone

So i choose the first 

Watching a movie

But then it becomes too little for my loneleiness 

So i have to go 

And my speakers are on 

At 39 im pretty pathetic

I dont have company

I cant conversate

I dont have anyone who understands me

I dont have a friend

And for sure i have people who love me

So the equation is incorrect u see

No one can see why im thinking like this

Its like being guilty when when ur not

Its like asking for medicine when ur not sick 

Who would give it?

Its like being humgry all the time

All the 

God damn 

Time

Its like being washed and never feeling clean

Its like wanting soemthing u know u will never have

day off 1

 sitting in the vast internet are my small thoughts 

 but today they are not so small because its my day off

and ive been wanting and waiting for a lot of things

but nothing comes

i read i think to myself

maybe im not the queen of romance after all 

how can i be 

when all i wish is company but all i g et is the same me that i take to work

i will not force anybody to sit with me

last time i said it - the answer was - why are u like this?

kindly....

because its a choice

in my heart i always believe love actions a re achoice

that should never be forced

like the tears falling now

are a choice

because i keep reading the choices i dont have

but

i could create them

with my words

that are inexperienced

but nevertheless 

there

i wonder is that i work a lot 

so used to it

just another day

whats so special about me after all?

im just a bossy - first class baggage size woman

and as i watch my things

and my life ....lonely

i couldnt describe a better word

mama nagat 2

the modern one

that one allah doesnt love at all

i remember she said she was born at 7mths and her father thought she would die

but checked in everyday and asked the nurses was she alive

and he did this for nearly 3months until she was ok to leave home

short of a miracle really

im glad she was alive

and i deserve every single bit of loneliness

and then i remember how second chances were given but i show pictures to reflect his strength and yet remember she died on my birthday

things only i will ever understand

and i wonder will the coincidence be too much for to hide to myself

its not

i see it

and im making it up

then thats the romantic in me

im like this woman from an extra terrestial planet strong so strong

with powers inside me thingsi know and things i dont

things i can access and things i cant 

but they're all there

my buttons inactive to fly to my place but i should like to think i can be beautiful and deeply wanted

and i should like to think where im lost i have friends that really do talk to me and i can talk to them

and in that place i come from that i get forgiven too

but im here and the waves of non woman material inside me want to come out but i know that if they will

they can damage the whole world

that how much i wish and want for me to have been.....something else

and yet on my  day off i sit here writing about loneliness 

taking a deep breath and trying to not worry about al lthe tings that can break me

thats not the right move

the right thing to do would be to let the nerves fry to the single end inside letting them frizzle and frazzle while drinking tea.

the right thing to do would be to hold grace as if a massive wave was coming and like in that move the girl goes to her father even though they never got on and chooses to die with him as the water comes

the right things to do would be to accept i have no friends near or far. 

 the right thing to do would be to accept i am the man when i want to be the woman

one of those that uses all the cards beeping around with an x9 .... in heels

the right thing to do would be not to drag and tear the sides of my nails all the time 

the right thing to do would be not to cry

dont cry 

Just nothing

I feel nothing even though i feel it all

It meansnothing even though i have it all 

Im angry 

Im hot

Im scared

Im not

Im so lonely even though the sun is outside

Never ever

So weak inside

I feel so lonely even though there are people around

Itswhy i talk too much and smile and laugh

Or shall i showthem the way i crack

The lava inside usually holds

I have enough skin

But im having a leak 

…

Itsgoonv to come out

Through my tears

So i have to get soemthnig that doesnt melt with the pain 

Something strong

Allah hates me and i hate me

And peoplewho love me cant stand me and i cant stand me

And peoplewho knowme

Think they do 

….

So magical thing

Where are u so i can lock that lava trying to seep and combust inside

While clocks tick as normal 

Every

Single

Second

.

just numbers 2

 but it tells the truth

100 makes me angry because it means so much more. 

you dont care how much i try and your responsibilities are not hte same

and now theres 2400 at least knowing it cant be makes it easier

i worry grab right and left and when it comes you dont give me

makes me sick to my ..... capabilities

i feel... lonely more than anyone will ever know

you know a hard skill is stopping your tears from falling in front of your family

and then theres jsut 1300? was it 

the choices are made

not mine to make

like who works with me and who doesnt

like days i work and days i dont

like things i say and things i dont 

like a small thnakyou that does mean something at least amidst the i dont know 60 something 

and now theres bulks coming

and the clouds ruined it

 thanking me when its meaningless hurts

not helping truly and honestly hurts

depending on the wrong

hurts

and im using a lot of words to expand on my crimes

i hate myself for showing i hate myself for 

being who i am....

lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely

my fingers learn like the numbers on my card

4.... something something something something something something something something something seomthing

do you have cash? no i dont 

not today

.....maybe another day

before i cant

smile and laugh through the eclipse itried

people using me i know 

people thanking me for waht 

spending money?

at least i tried

aNd now its time

to drive on

the pain and the working in circles

heat of an iron nearby

thats it 

its good though

just numbers....

 Ya Allah here i pray sometimes least of all i nay

70 + i hope i never have to dissolve my memories never

but i am on the precipice of falling or walking i just dont know are u angry or ok with all the images that betray

or maybe genralise into existence  this isnt normal and i am different

500+ its mine or it isnt

i am wandering alone and strong

ya allah always the case never wrong

ya allah i ask for defiance and light amidst the storms

for i have none i am worn

ya allah i ask for memory that works not sins that turmoil

neck/head sore suddenly i am alone lets look at numbers nearly 60 waiting for a million or 2... or 3

where the hard work though 120, 130, 900, 1200, numbers number make all sense to me but you

- minus today , repay tomorrow? 

dont know 

430, 203 or is it 230 i cant remember and then 79 without order i chase the rays

of my tiredness

and i have no because to be mad 

for at least i am not alone 

writing good or bad 

ugly or messy keeps me ..... 

but hang on i am not a writer

just a visual interpretor

or visual dreamer

or elegant evil doer

dunno

but not a writer

maybe good imaginer

i wish

....

i am always in the positive and in credt