Stay magical mom 2

 Dear eman

I am sorry I am awful in the morning

When you come to ask my help in your uniform I’m like a mess of mess so wrecked from feeding a 2 months baby you always come in my minutes sleep 

I get mad as I’m just

So

Tired

I know it’s no excuse

But I’ve never been this toast

Along with my disgusting eating 

I’m not magical 

More like the peat lake in those fairy stories that trolls live in 

Dark dirty and murky 

I just realised also I treat you exactly like how my mother treats me in every way I do not like

So she must be exhausted too?

No doubt

She’s lonely too

No doubt

She’s deep down sad and angry too

And I don’t mean at me

Dear beautiful I’m sorry 

I’m sick of who I’ve become

Absolutely rotten 

This is 

NOT WHO I ADMIRE 

But I am not here to stay in this ugly mindset

Stay magical mom

 She writes my sweet sweet eman

And yet the broken in me sees the worst

I’m not myself I’m lacking and weak 

 Feeling not magical except to be the evil witch 

Ya allah

I’m sorry

I’m lonely

I wish that change the wish to truth

Stay magical mom 

Just stop this madness

Dad is coming soon 

I wish I had it all for them

I’ve never loved like this 

Them

Eman Ahmed and now sami 

Baby sami 

I weep with joy habit fear

And that fear becomes exhaustion along with true lack of sleep 

I 

Pounce 

My son the shouting disease

 My son for the first time in his life said to me 

Don’t sleep in my bed! Go back to your bed

Yalla!

I was devastated

The shouting disease full on in him

He has been so far given only this inheritance

It’s true it’s all my fault

I am viscous stone cold blood sucking female

I have given my son the sweet kind gentle kissing loving boy the inheritance of meanness 

Every Tuesday

 There is a meeting somewhere in a building affecting people’s lives 

On Tuesday before last it affected me

I wonder how the difficult decision was made on our behalf

I wonder what other difficult decisions there will be

I am so so scared

Of decisions 

This time the devil has really taken a hold of me

The 

Missing out

 On things that I shouldn’t

Like being kind to my children

Or taking a walk everyday 

Like stopping the shouting and being calm

Like working extra hard

Like getting rich 

Not for me for them 

Like holding them in and not pushing them out

My reaction is surprising to me that it would annoy me when he says come mama rather than take it as a glimmer of hope that he is one that cares for me

It is also surprising how angry I feel at all that happens

Just like my own mum

Even though I hate it happening to me 

I  am her when I vowed I wouldn’t 

Why do I have to copy ?

When I tell her the exact opposite advice

Not so easy is it 

Or

You can dish it but you can’t do it

It’s sad

All of this is sad

Not right

I’m drowning

Feeling emotionally tangled in a web of wrong

I will die like this 

maddeningly diasspointed

 Now i have to bare the crest of watching my new neighbours enjoy what i thought i deserved

but someone else didnt think so

and so my fate was in their hands

but then again it really is all Allah

so i do know deep down and surface up that it just was not meant to be

heartbreakingly so

maybe im not meant to 

a house 

a bedroom

whatever

maybe we will just have to grow up like this

lets just go to the estate agents she said

what point?

i think to myself this is really painful

angrily so

maddeningly so

annoyingly so

texting wishing emailing going driving parking hoping trying asking checking

and still an F

but there are worst Fs that if im not careful things can dissapoint further

is it really worth it?

maybe i should wait to see what 2023 has to offer

maybe its new beginnings or stay the sames with twists or maybe no twists

maybe its success just like i dream 

you know what maybe its buying not renting

maybe its renting

maybe its not

but is it worth my anger?

is it worth my pain?

is it worth this sadness

well its hard to walk out of it

but then ive seen teachers stupidly stand in corridors all day where theyre not wanted

they believe that someone will just come up to them and say hey look

were sorry actually you were right here teach away this is your class

what do i believe

hey on second note here is the house 

or 

we made a mistake or whoever we gave it to said no give it to the other family 

is that what my mind say?

i am not stupid

but i do want to publish cool articles

and lose weight and stop shouting at my kids

and try and try harder to make them comfortable

best hope 

Quiet emails

 I hate

When waiting for the one

It breaks my heart I hate not knowing

But I also know I’ve done enough?

Or have I?

Feeling lost 

Wishing the best though 

My thoughts are unavailable 

I have left everything at the wrong time

And I feel absolutely broken

With the suer quietness of it all 

I am the only one shouting in my head in my mind in my life

And yet I wait for the one

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Email of tries