Just go

 Time to leave 

Youre so bad

Your daughter would feel disgust

You son the same

Your other too small thank god

Shitty person

Crappy person fake mum

Horrible drama

All because of you

Now you cant think you cant act

Dreading faces

Dreading it all

Ijust wanted a nice handbag and no clue what people think of me

What do peoplethink of me?

Shit apparently

incompetent

Broken

Fat

Ugly

And now i have to pretend im ok so my family doesnt see it

Otherwise more drama

I just want to hide

Or fall flat on my face

Creeping from under the stone was abad idea

Better hiding 

Better never changing

Now im in this front line

Only me

Im the only one that gets them

Fat pig

Fat cow

Fat sheep

Oldie thinking you are young

Muslim thinking ur muslim 

Everyone is angry at u and you know what they are right

You smelly fat … i dont know what to call u…

Incompetent

You could also add vulgar, obnoxious and mean

Dont forget angry , stressed and ego worth nothing 

Also add thinks she knows it all, full of fear 

Full of anxiety 

Full of worry

And i wish it did something

I wish it protected

I wish it showed me things that prevent

Incompetent you forgot to add always in a hurry

Always in a scurry 

Always in a mess

Never at her best

Incompetent 

If you know im always on my phone

Alone lost faith 

So here it is 

Left for the winds to howl

The wolves to growl

The pain to come 

Here i was embarrased

No need it all happened anyway 

Here i am fighting, trying, driving what does it mean

More will

Not come

I hope

But since im incompetent

More will possible come

All these podcasts

Be positive be full of hope 

Be great

Be resilient 

But what if you are told you are incompetent

And what if only good documentation others do and what if good only refers to others not you

Thin not you

Smart not you

Passed not you

Happy not you

Approved not you

Incompetent oh yes thats you

Ugly yup

Dumb yup

Failed aha

Bad mum bring it on 

Bad daughter bring it on by 10

Incompetent 

2 months in ....

Khartoum heartbreak the outside staminas

 Deep inside me, I am at loss. I can’t find it. I can’t lose it For I am the tree the roots the commotion.

 I look at words and I find emptiness

 I try search but to no avail for I am singular. I am unique. I am broken forever since the changes of the wind Happened 

I found myself living in an island waiting hoping sinking dreaming wanting 

they say that a Pisces has vivid imagination and boy is that  true for sometimes I feel that I just simply enter and I am there 

Into  all my wishes and all my sanctuary the good and the bad 

I make it looks so easy I take away the hardness I spend separate from my reality. I want to write it in books but I am paralysed with what I don’t know today I realised I am singular. I don’t feel felt. 

But then I remember that no one can downgrade me and then I remember that I have no responsibility in other peoples actions except my own and then I remember that I am like the flickering electricity light wanting to come on resisting To come off. Only I can degrade myself it’s funny. I commented that I talk too much and the answer was yes in invisible ink. I am desperate. 

But being desperate, isnt the bottom of the pit-  allowing it to consume you is and I have done that. I have listened to the endless arm of the other. I have kicked myself Trying to warn myself. 

But I have Decided if I’m going to be alone i might as well be alone By myself i’m going to be alone. I might as well creation Energy from For. I am the woman in the seas and I am the woman on the mountain and I am the woman with rocks and I am the woman that can swim but yes doesn't! and I am the woman that can grow I am the woman that creates but can she see?  I am here. 

Best amel 

Sudden entry

 It all happened so fast how the twist of fate can come about

Suddenly i am not calm

I am not myself

I am angry

I am weak

Oh how weak

Suddenly i must listen to the degradation

Suddenly i must be isolated but strong

Weak but strong

Angry but strong

Oh how easy it is to put blame and i do its all their fault

But is it?

Its a personality failure

Its a personality drama

Its a personality break

Flaw

It makes me mad

Oh how disgusting

Oh how annoying

Oh how trespassing

Oh how sudden! 

The suddenness how at 4.00 pm its ok and at 4.02 its just  not.

 

The healthy mother

 I envied her because it was free

I suddenly looked down at myself and saw ….

It all 

The sadness the tiMe the 0 effort the madness of my actions

How hard i made it seem 

To energise my life 

How easy she made it seem to live life to the full 

I couldn't possibly relate to the scale of things shes done to help herself succeed 

But consistency is one of them 

She has been consistent

I have also been consistent 

The broken kind however

Consistently opening up the wounds

Leaving them raw

Leaving them salted

Watching 

My hands tied 

But thats how they are when i do what i do 

I wondered her age 

But one can assume it doesnt really matter

Similarity 

Is the key 

 

Asha

 Sometimes we see people for the last time.  We don’t realise it it’s a small speck in history just  a part of a day when life was ok 

Life was happening nothing much or maybe it was everything 

And then war happens and u remember those people

Iike asha our helper - i wonder what has become of her poverty. I hope she got married as she had planned. I hope she is safe and her family

They used to work a lot for us- i wonder how they are

How she is  she - does she think of us? 

I wonder did she realise it was the last time and we would probBly never see her again

Khartoum love story part 1

only her sisters wedding ... to the man she loved the nile splashing tears while glitter glittered like a sea of invisible for her jewels, cloud perfume, sandalwood , ... the expensive kind her eyes moved around waiting for her sisters arrival from the beauty parlour with .... ayman. the man of her dreams . she could hear her mum give instructions those women havnt been handed out royal biscuits yet ! nina! she could hear her mum shouting at her she startled herself back into the wedding park the weather perfect for january weddings . no danger of rain . just heartbreak she could hear maya her friend from behind giving her encouragement. maya ,nina and ayman were just three of a famour university best friends group - school of engineering. but the whole university knew that only two people were madly in love... and it wasnt the two getting married today nina, maya encouraged , here ill do it taking the biscuits from her friends hand cmon now be strong. looking at nina with the same heartbreak she felt . bad things happened. between nina amd ayman and noone could do anything about it . because noone would believe her. it was a cold khartoum day just like this 1 year ago when ayman and nina brokeup. outside khartoum airport - the mess, the chaos, the families. the two had stood still im time and pain, two hours before his flight i cant believe this, nina shouted. how can you believe everything you hear ! because its from your family! your sister ! he reclaimed back . i cant keep doing this. first i see you with him , then i get sent this he takes out his phone and nearly shoves it in her face as nina sees herself laughing in the restaurant with hamid in closeness. she knew all too well the fakeness of that photo and the evil behind it. hamid had wanted her to be his with avengeance while her sister had wanted ayman. and this was the end result . her love of her life falling for it . the plot but thats not all that made give up on their love - for hamid and her sister had staged an 'alone together ' scenario where her sister reemo had told hamid when nina was alone at home . he had come right into her bedroom shocking the life out of nine but before she opened her mouth , she say ayman there was well. but the gentleman that he was - he saw what he thought he saw and left . to this day nina could not fully understand how ayman had made it at that time while hamid had suddenly appeared but she was sure her sister had something to do with it. she had asked reemo but she just shrugged smd said dont blame me for not respecting ayman nina wished she could tell ayman how she knew it was a setup but she knew deep down it was too late. as broken as broken down yellow taxi next to her- she tried one last time ayman - lets talk this through. think this through. i dont have eyes for aNyone but you ! but ayman shook his head looking down at the sunheated tarmac giving up on them like his confirmed ticket i have to go he says . my flight is leaving soon nina continues to stare at him but this time knowing she has lost. she knew that at that point there was nothing she could do to save their love. for ayman had fallen out of love with her. goodbye nina queitly says . ayman looks up at her for the first time with the look of a stranger and repeats the same goodbye , disappointment visible but not regret - turning his back to her and fixing his handback