Sunday, January 30, 2022

They say

Being rejected is the same feeling a physical pain 
Never mind by your own one 
And after a big try 
Here is me thinking I did well 
When I didn’t 
48/60 in fact
Cheapest of the earth results
I couldn’t even pass the easy stuff 
Like making her like me 
The preference is real
The pain is also 
Here I am with a real deficit 
Being unliked
Being in comforting
 Having to resort 
It’s sad when I’m this pathetic

… everyone thinks I’m just a disappointed idiot 
When I’m not 
I’m really a smart fool 
One is afraid 
Feelings raw feelings unworthy
Feelings broken
Shattered by the hammer of further torment 
Ridicule is a sharp misery
And here it is
Breaking the soul
No matter what I do 
I’ll never get there

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Let me tell you

That in Islam god says if you kill one person then You have killed the whole of humanity and if you saved one person then you have saved the whole of humanity 
The Quran 

I have never felt that more in my heart than in the killing of an innocent girl going exercising and so much more was her life. 

Her death made me feel drawn to fear love anger suffering torment grief anguish loss and destruction 

Two hands did all of this 

Bring nightmare bring numbness bring an emptiness over everyone here
Far and near

Two hands wearing black the blackness over his cells and his heart left beating is unimaginable contradiction 

I think to myself while she left us and left all the things beautiful he also left his life behind on that bank 
That was the last time he rode a bicycle and the last time he will walk or run down that walkway 
That walkway of freedom 
Isn’t that a big price to pay 

As for that woman capturing my feelings my heart I can only pray in my own faith but joint as a woman that she is in heaven that she is happy that she lives in memory in that sun ray and crisp 4pm afternoon wind or even in times of rain in those clean pearls of water or even if it become windy the strong winds of strength or even when it’s hot that she lives in the melting of   Time helping everyone get to terms with this pain 

There are many last times 

Let me tell you about

The pain I felt for a young woman murdered while running
So much pain I could barely breathe
My fingers constantly searching for news
I never knew this girl but my heart feels tremored as if I did
My tears fall thinking about small agonies that make it all the worse
What was she thinking of that last happy
That was last her
What was the last thing she bought
What song was on if there any
Before the devil came along
I feel horrific pain 
As a woman as daughter as a mother as a wife
It doesn’t matter what culture we are from or what colour we are
What matters is the whiteness or blackness in our hearts
Last Wednesday black met white and I was invade with sorrow 
All the way down here so different and so far 
But yet so close in pain 
I pray in my own way
To stop searching for the answer

Thursday, December 30, 2021

You have to have

Half woman half man
There is just no other way to conceive
You can find ways to hide find ways to make believe
But that is the truth 
And it’s just funny so so funny
That that’s the way it is 
Photocopies gone similiar into the truth and yet so far
Life is so strange 
But stranger is how people make it to be
How life is so different
So wrong
And yet seen as so right
It’s Interesting how right then becomes wrong
And everything is in double
Like the squint in my daughters eye
How horrible I am to her 
A tree is her tree and no matter what it’s perfect 
But I don’t see it that way
I see she didn’t try but that’s probably a lie
As she did but it was hard for her age and then I got caught with an unmuted unmute 
 It god knows who I am 
This ridicule woman
Trying to think big when I’m so small 
And trying to be nice when I’m really not
Being sad looking at things wrong
But I would help them if they needed help 
But it makes me wonder why both stand taking the role of each other 
What’s my role 
What’s my status 
What are intentions
Am I really who I say I am 
Akeed no

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

The last door on the street

I am afraid of my situations
I should have why didn’t I 
I didn’t do this
I didn’t do that 
I need to do this 
Always in a constant battle for foreshortening in my life
And a an unrepaired outcome
Things done last moment
Things not done
Things wrong 
4/5/6 hours of waste each night
Better of asleep 
Better of reading 
Better of watching tv
Bettter of meditating
And then my body says
We hate you carrier
You don’t appreciate us 
You don’t even like us 
Here we are breathing for you
Trying to survive for you and you only 
Look the other way 
Even though you fill the mirror you still see nothing

This year of 2021 I have been overall a minus person
Things are not right in the mind inside
Things are not kind 
Things are working faulty
I’m on the wrong adventure
Or is it no adventure
I’m on the wrong path
It’s lonely
With broken slates and everyone’s inside warm with orange lights eating and drinking their happiness into the future
And I search for the right door
Is it this one ?
Or is it that one?
Which one behind it has all the remedies for my worries
For my helplessness
For me fears
For my everything

I try this door
Looks like a nice story to follow but there’s no hot chocolate her
What about the other door 
But there will never be any vivas here
What about this door
You can send all the emails you want you were not close
I am angry all these doors look glistening actually tricking me all the time 
Try this no try this no this will work 
Well it doesn’t work 
Never has never will 
I stand by a dark sign post and rest my head watching the hot air become cold as it leaves me happily dancing to the sky away from all my negative energy

And then I notice the last door on the street
It’s silent
No lights just one on the side but it’s attractive
The last door before the corner
Before I can’t see what’s on the other side
A big round clog lies on its centre
Nothing major but everything different from all the other doors I’ve knocked on 

My eyes link my mind invisible is drawn 
I walk over  slowly then quickly
And finally I stand in front of the door
Coming closer it looks wider the wood dark but solid
The circular handle nicely smooth 
The door just sits there 

I look around and notice no major sounds but I look down and notice a golden light from under the door. 
I ask myself if I knock on this door who will open? 
And if I knock on this door what will happen. 
Well this is the last door on the street
I’ve knocked on all of them before except this one
I’ve even knocked on some twice three and ten times 
I remind myself what happens when I knock
First the halls look interesting then you understand that there are tricks everywhere
Like it’s not like what ot seems
Like 5 hours of waste
Like feeling constantly tired

I look up the street from where I just was 
Some doors look really attractive 
Maybe I could just go to ones I’ve tried before 
I decide that previous doors are trustworthy at least I know what I’m in for
I start to walk away 
But then I stop 
The door looks at me and I look at it the wind takes language and turns leaves up on the street
I am suddenly aware of the words of the wind 
The trees sway in harmony
The tiles of the pavement connect with each other
The road is in existence 
I turn around and look at the last door on the street once more
I realise on that moment that I want to go forward not back 
I am interested in what this quiet less glittery door has to show
I take some footsteps and come in front of it again
I take a deep breath fist my hand to knock 

And then ….

To be continued 

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Difficult situations -2

When you want to be something and you can’t
When you want to be a good mother and you can’t
When you want to be patient and you cant
When you want to be kind and you cant
When you want to not reply and ypu cant
When you want it to not be this way but it is
When you can’t stand what others are thinking and saying about you but you can’t
When you have work to do but there’s no time
When you want to be the best but end up being the worst
When you fear that will be the case always 
When ypu have 4 chances and you’ve already failed two 
When you think you’re smart but you really are not 
When you think you are healthy but you are really are not
When you’re just tired of being told off so many times it just doesn’t matter anymore
When you’re heartbroken about the results and pretend it’s ok 
It’s not ok 
When youre disgusted with yourself and try to hide that 
When you make a big mistake when ypu thought it wasn’t 
When you have to do something you just don’t want to do 
When you have no time for that paw thing you just do t want to do 
When no one picks up the phone on the other End of the line
When. You have to ring a million times and there is still no answer on the other end of the line 
When the emails you get are horrible
When your email gets forwarded to loads of people you’ve never even met
When youre a fake
When you beg for what’s it yours
I when you get a message that says 
يا خايبة
When you try to shut it out but you think it’s true 
When your failure is loud 
When you made that failure loud 
When you have to beg like a curling dog
When  you have to be out in your place really
When you have to be out in your place
Fixed mindset - Whwn you cannot get out of it 
When you feel so lonely and so big at the same time 
When it just cannot be done
When you feel so tired and someone else says I’m more tired than you 
So you can just shut up about your tiredness how dare you even think of it 
When the voice is always angry
Just like the exam you will never be able to fix it 
When you are too ashamed 

Difficult situations - 1

Like being time off

Like going out

Like being so naive

Like being what you think you’re not

Like being ambitious without cause

Like having a splitting headache

Like spending all day driving 

Like being tired and not sleeping

Like hating your swollen face

Like sending wrong emails

Like getting angry emails back 

Like knowing people are hating you behind your back 

Like knowing it’s just not for you 

Again like being too naive to see

 Like feeling negative and trying to be positive

Like begging for money

Like misunderstanding everything

Like being misunderstood in everything

Like drawing the wrong attention 

Like asking the wrong things 





Like brains cells feeling devastated

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -