The last time with a friend that was so kind

The last time  Is always something surreal. Most times we forget , we don’t think of it or we don’t even realise but there is always a last time 

For everything. 

I realised the last time I saw a friend instructor supporter such a kind man was just less than 10 days before his death

He was well and fit then but neither of us knew his time was so critically low. But he listened to me and advised me and cared. He talked to me in a way probably I’ll never find again. 

I didn’t know then that was the last time I would ever see him 

And that was the last time standing in front of the gym and cafe flowers a relatively cold November day 

The 9th to be exact 

At 12pm to be exact 

Until 1 ish be exact 

And then the time just blew up into the air 

It was finished 

For us

But his support for me was undeniable . I could not have finished my deepest and heaviest work without him. I could not finish my challenges . Some of which are not done yet. His support was unwavering 

He always had faith in me 

He always cared

He always cared 

He bought me coffee

We sat down and we discussed women in leadership . He said 

I can see your eyes light up when you talk about your app. 

He was kind 

There was a last time when he left or when he got on a plane or when he got to an airport or when he ate or drank something in a coffee shop at an airport or when he texted or when he emailed . 

Always a last time 

For me his last text was 10.23 sat the 11th Nov. Or a last email 

November 13th at 3.41pm 

Last times can be recorded but they can never be organised 

They just happen 

Or a last paper his name might be on or a last page of a book he might have been reading he sent me or a zoom just for my challenges or the final meet 

Goodbye you heard of Sudan and now you have gone just like Sudan . Memories 

It’s all memories 

But I pray I won’t forget 

You were so kind . So kind . 

Gotcha

 So she got me 

The loneliness has too 

It’s amazing how I get this house would make me super happy but here I am lonely as can be

Unable to sort out the mess trying

But difficult 

I see

Some people

 If only they knew they are the lowest of the lowest

Their cheap perfume gives me a headache and implementation of life makes for an annoying ride

Their voice too loud for nothing and they use damaging tactics . For their family for their kids for their lives 

Lowest of the lowest

It scares me 

Bewilders me

It’s hard being good 

It’s exhausting and yet 

I try 

Lowest of the lowest

Cheap clothes 

Cheap thoughts

Maybe so maybe not 

I don’t know the whole story I say 

But I do know this 

I do try

But I also worry 

It’s all wrong 

The worry 

Making me sick 

Making me old

But allah has never failed me

Even when I fail him he helps me

It’s sad really 

That I live ….

With worry

I try not let it seep out of me but sometimes it’s just gushes 

Until I annoy others

Then I worry some more 

Then I eat

I think that’s the pattern and yet

All good that’s happened it’s just beyond explanation 

Beyond words

And yet I’m wondering how do people do this

How do people think like this

How do people imagine they have a life or not 

Lowest of the lowest

Lowest of the lowest

And then the other crowd

It’s tv for them 

A

L

L

D

A

Y

L

O

N

G

I hope things work out 

We all have our faults

We all have our pains

We all have our strengths 

We all have our weaknesses

We all have our anguishes

We all have our regrets

We all have our hopes

We all then set out to deliver

The line

 Of people waiting for the house

They beg they call they try they think they bypass they ask they hope they dream they text they text again they scan they attach not just their aspirations but also their papers their worries they speak they send they email they stare with the corner of their eye each time they pass and finally they realise they’re still no very different than the one at the end 

Who knows maybe even they have a stronger chance

For why me? 

The ugly unprayered lazy parent disappointing senseless witch 

Implosion

 A fascinating scary word

Catastrophic 

When pressures outside become to much to bare

Like how it’s hard right now waiting for answers waiting for time waiting for words like spears

I watch the resemblance how unforgiving how tough how obedient the need is

And I ask myself

If it’s this painful to feel

Why do I do it to them?

Each day it gets harder

The way the materials I’m made of change for the weaker

With nothing to strengthen them from the inside 

They say it’s always them 

But this time I guess it really is me

For the pressure is strong and natural 

But me I don’t have the power to make it go away 

Or to protect myself from the words

Implosion 

A catastrophic event

Not outward but inward

When the cracks start maybe a little while they have been there maybe suddenly and as deeper and deeper it goes as tough as it gets until 

…. Silence

Many repeats made it happen so what are my repeats I feel ok knowing I try but when I don’t 

I feel like no matter what I could be made of I will 

… implode

Like this no religion 

Just a target

It’s coming 

——-

It’s hurtful but I must bare it

It’s shaming but I must take it

What really hurts is that this is my consequence right now 

4 people in a room just cannot make for an empty one

But that’s ok my fire burns because I’m strong 

It’s difficult but I can make it

It’s lonely and that’s the hardest taking

My body is getting heavier and heavier

I imagine the silence of the wreck 

How the time clicks and turns down there by people’s mistakes

If only If only if  only

What are my if onlys?

What are my ‘I wish I could take backs ‘

Well right now I graduated and I’m proud

I must be strong so I can survive it

Best hope

Adherence

 I still remember classes of impressions yet asherance to study was what I learnt

If you had 25 min to spare you use it to learn not eat 

And so now I am a bmi of 45 adding all those 25’s 

My accomplishments seem … annoying 

I don’t see it having been woken up at 3am and now it’s 5am boy am I tired

But yea it is getting ready for a new day 

And yet news comes in my previous acquaintances  are doing much much better than me 

It saddens me 

But then I think this is as best I’ve done in the situations I’ve been given 

But then I see no 

It’s not

For example I don’t need time or money or even intelligence or lose weight or to know I have spiralled out of control 

And yet here I am with a bmi of 45 written on papers an embarrassment really 

How can I accomplish anything if I can’t accomplish myself 

Today will be a test of time 

For I have had no good sleep I could eat the world but would it make me feel better

I feel sad and mad at myself 

It’s all about adherence

Adhere to your goals to your sanity to your strength to your belief to your red lines

And go back turn back 

Now

Who’s right who’s wrong

 Mum I want my own bottle

Who cares

Should I have should I not it hurts me that I don’t know 

I just don’t know the answer 

——-

Homework somethings thinks it’s meaningless I think it’s really important . I’m pretty sure I’m right. Who cares . In the end does it matter that I convince or does it matter I live and be free

——-

I was a so sad about the yoghurt case for those girls. Even sadder they got arrested. I think that man should go to hell . Many other men too. Horrible.  

——

The car park was empty right there a space. But no . Man said no. There were ‘children’ there who were grown up teenagers going to a disco. What’s the big deal. Why did I have to be one arguing on behalf of someone else . 

——-

Life is all about people thinking they are right and others are wrong. It’s always about convincing . Or trying to convince . 

Sometimes I am smarter in my own head than out of  it. For someone who now has a PhD I should be smarter though escpecially with my beautiful daughter who I will lose this way 

—-