Me

Asking for a new chance

To not be worried to not be bad

To not be angry to not be sad

To think of attitudes

Messes and life

To try hard to fit in myself and my whole self

Tje magic isnt gone

The place is there

A

Space 

A day atime of wonderful reach 

So stop hating the twirly way u took but get off it today and start freeh 

God loves u yes he does

No anger from him stop saying that 

Stop making thingd hard fo ur self

It starts with that

Think of the day u had teaspoons of jamhalf and half cheese

U were close bit it wasnt ur place

And niw make a promise

This has to stop

U deserve better u deserve to be happy

U deserve to walk and smile and live and love

Alhamdulilah 

One mistake

Costs 1200 and 550 more

The balance of life is makes me fall down the dark cliff

I am inundated with the wrong numbers

26000 amd then some

For loss and more bargained effort that only explains drama

Sometimes i wish im sucked into the pain and glory

But here i am

127 andcounting 

43 and or 44 and 24 and then some

Numbers 

Make my life wirse make my life bettr

The 5 lost 

Eqxh day set me up for hell 

But i cant see any good in me anymore

I 

Am 

Not

Me

I am lonely

I am afraid

Constantly

I am unhealthy

I am really bad like in tennis or opera

Really bad

Even in anything

Like dreaming

Or convincing

Or hiding

Or letting people love me

But i know thats not true

Or is it

I think it is

Bad weather

Yet the beautiful wind entices me

I remember the sounds in khartoum rvenings when the electricity blacks out and my heart is black today

Loneliness is there wherever

Whenever

And emptiness scolds an empire

Weakness devours and no friends 

But tonnes of charachters

Consume me

With no time i use it unwisely

Unforgingly

Unable to stop being an addict

To my pisces

Am i good or am i bad

I no longer know

Amd that is misery to the core

But my core is shattered with being alone

Yes 

I am the new version of her

I miss her and am scared of her and will likely suffer like her

Just as i am now

But time will tell 

Why my tears will fall 

Adirty kitchen a dirty heart and no start i dont know hoe to start and how to be and how to help 

Me

I am angry and scared and branded with beng evil 

Its too late 

Its too late

I really just want to….

I try

But i dont know why

Its not enough

Always missing that sky

Of perfection 

Within myself and beyond

Even in all this effort

They say istagfurallah and ur so mean 

Minute details that pain me to the core

For the pink of tassels isnt the aim

But hey 

Ill help u 

And ur idea is show

And ur just mean 

And why are u so mean they say 

But i dont feel mean 

I feel right

I feel down

I feel tired

I feel helpless

I shud be sorting out my website

And yet every night

They win i dont

And here i am 

I try to fail

Adding and adding and adding and adding

It never stops

Maybe im not made for this

Amd yet i push myself over the edge

Different reasons

We have the same second earrings 

And different cars with the same strengths

Black and white opposite reasonings and in the middle the poorest

Fit

I stopped the help for different reasons but i am able to make treble

I worry about the reasons of covering head for others theres no time to mend

In the eyes of glazed i clean the ok

And i make money off the pain amd the subtle energy of im boss

And ur not lingers in the day 

Calm my monster accept myweakness itswritten

Awaiting trial i am afraid and weak 

And strong at the same time wrong or right 

I never know

Forcing happiness and now numbness

I am not calm 

Of course the others dont do like some and some dont do like others 

I feel like i dont want to talk or listen but i do want to invent

 

Wanting something u never knew

Then it becomes lingering inside and out 

U buy green kicrowaves when decisions havnt been made

Nothing formal

All inside

But everything so close ans yet so far

Really does make me sick

In my heart aches sort of way 

Not sure what i want

Or need

My sanity of course and somw patience on the side

Wiuld be great

Lingering trying

Having not

Having what 

Having here

Having close

Waiting

People poking u 

With words stares and dares

Phonecalls useless

Absolutely useless and time machines working

I hate this

But i hatemyself more

What is my linger

What is my situation

And am i at fault

Of course im at fault

And now im trying to save the situation

Well

No save

No crave

Just wait…

It really hurts

When u come home from work and he goes upstairs

No in between

No im sure

No i care or dont

I want or dont

Just

Distance

No knowing

No understanding

No clarity

No me no him 

Just the stairs

And soon we might  not even have a stairs

So where will the running be  now 

Youll just have to jump!

Or stay 

Or avoid

God im scared

Can i do this

Is this the right thing for us for me

Am i ok 
What is going to happen
Who is correct and who isnt
My anxiety or my reality
My anxiety or my thinkingprocesses For me its clinging on for others its madness
I had to say no to tomoro and friday 
Wish i cud
But where is the money working for someone else
?
I 
Feel
Sad
I wish leanne didn't finish 
Me like
Me dont like my pain of rejection
And the fainting adrenaline inside