just numbers 2

 but it tells the truth

100 makes me angry because it means so much more. 

you dont care how much i try and your responsibilities are not hte same

and now theres 2400 at least knowing it cant be makes it easier

i worry grab right and left and when it comes you dont give me

makes me sick to my ..... capabilities

i feel... lonely more than anyone will ever know

you know a hard skill is stopping your tears from falling in front of your family

and then theres jsut 1300? was it 

the choices are made

not mine to make

like who works with me and who doesnt

like days i work and days i dont

like things i say and things i dont 

like a small thnakyou that does mean something at least amidst the i dont know 60 something 

and now theres bulks coming

and the clouds ruined it

 thanking me when its meaningless hurts

not helping truly and honestly hurts

depending on the wrong

hurts

and im using a lot of words to expand on my crimes

i hate myself for showing i hate myself for 

being who i am....

lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely

my fingers learn like the numbers on my card

4.... something something something something something something something something something seomthing

do you have cash? no i dont 

not today

.....maybe another day

before i cant

smile and laugh through the eclipse itried

people using me i know 

people thanking me for waht 

spending money?

at least i tried

aNd now its time

to drive on

the pain and the working in circles

heat of an iron nearby

thats it 

its good though

just numbers....

 Ya Allah here i pray sometimes least of all i nay

70 + i hope i never have to dissolve my memories never

but i am on the precipice of falling or walking i just dont know are u angry or ok with all the images that betray

or maybe genralise into existence  this isnt normal and i am different

500+ its mine or it isnt

i am wandering alone and strong

ya allah always the case never wrong

ya allah i ask for defiance and light amidst the storms

for i have none i am worn

ya allah i ask for memory that works not sins that turmoil

neck/head sore suddenly i am alone lets look at numbers nearly 60 waiting for a million or 2... or 3

where the hard work though 120, 130, 900, 1200, numbers number make all sense to me but you

- minus today , repay tomorrow? 

dont know 

430, 203 or is it 230 i cant remember and then 79 without order i chase the rays

of my tiredness

and i have no because to be mad 

for at least i am not alone 

writing good or bad 

ugly or messy keeps me ..... 

but hang on i am not a writer

just a visual interpretor

or visual dreamer

or elegant evil doer

dunno

but not a writer

maybe good imaginer

i wish

....

i am always in the positive and in credt

Aircons in wrong countries

It made me so happy -The look on the wall the lightness in the air the feel of the remote in your hand as you decide on 19 or 21 degrees and the energy in the fan

My tears fall as i remember my sudan house the buzz they made when the machine magically turns on and you know there is coolness coming in the desert heat

And when the electricity dissappears the silence the house makes as they go queit

…

And now here all the way here

In europe

One got installed

The sadness it brought me

It was like it asked 

How are my old friends ? 

And i had to say we lost them to the war. 

And then a silence

As times and thnigs lost came into view

The new aircon cooled my memories but somehow blasted my heart into fire

For i ownded things in sudan

And only rent here….barely rent here

There were 18 aircons in our house

….

And im barely surviving here although i have to be the strongest

Im such a hyppocrite too

Me

Asking for a new chance

To not be worried to not be bad

To not be angry to not be sad

To think of attitudes

Messes and life

To try hard to fit in myself and my whole self

Tje magic isnt gone

The place is there

A

Space 

A day atime of wonderful reach 

So stop hating the twirly way u took but get off it today and start freeh 

God loves u yes he does

No anger from him stop saying that 

Stop making thingd hard fo ur self

It starts with that

Think of the day u had teaspoons of jamhalf and half cheese

U were close bit it wasnt ur place

And niw make a promise

This has to stop

U deserve better u deserve to be happy

U deserve to walk and smile and live and love

Alhamdulilah 

One mistake

Costs 1200 and 550 more

The balance of life is makes me fall down the dark cliff

I am inundated with the wrong numbers

26000 amd then some

For loss and more bargained effort that only explains drama

Sometimes i wish im sucked into the pain and glory

But here i am

127 andcounting 

43 and or 44 and 24 and then some

Numbers 

Make my life wirse make my life bettr

The 5 lost 

Eqxh day set me up for hell 

But i cant see any good in me anymore

I 

Am 

Not

Me

I am lonely

I am afraid

Constantly

I am unhealthy

I am really bad like in tennis or opera

Really bad

Even in anything

Like dreaming

Or convincing

Or hiding

Or letting people love me

But i know thats not true

Or is it

I think it is

Bad weather

Yet the beautiful wind entices me

I remember the sounds in khartoum rvenings when the electricity blacks out and my heart is black today

Loneliness is there wherever

Whenever

And emptiness scolds an empire

Weakness devours and no friends 

But tonnes of charachters

Consume me

With no time i use it unwisely

Unforgingly

Unable to stop being an addict

To my pisces

Am i good or am i bad

I no longer know

Amd that is misery to the core

But my core is shattered with being alone

Yes 

I am the new version of her

I miss her and am scared of her and will likely suffer like her

Just as i am now

But time will tell 

Why my tears will fall 

Adirty kitchen a dirty heart and no start i dont know hoe to start and how to be and how to help 

Me

I am angry and scared and branded with beng evil 

Its too late 

Its too late

I really just want to….

I try

But i dont know why

Its not enough

Always missing that sky

Of perfection 

Within myself and beyond

Even in all this effort

They say istagfurallah and ur so mean 

Minute details that pain me to the core

For the pink of tassels isnt the aim

But hey 

Ill help u 

And ur idea is show

And ur just mean 

And why are u so mean they say 

But i dont feel mean 

I feel right

I feel down

I feel tired

I feel helpless

I shud be sorting out my website

And yet every night

They win i dont

And here i am 

I try to fail

Adding and adding and adding and adding

It never stops

Maybe im not made for this

Amd yet i push myself over the edge