Hey glitter

 

On our bodies you hold memories sewn into our lives

 Glittering with dazzle little did we know it would all be left behind 

In wardrobes to be trashed by militia and demons

I really just remember all the beautiful juice of lemons… with mint

And green it was one from Marta one my own choice . From a laid back alley way in midtown Khartoum 

Khartoum heartbreak at its core here - little did i know heartbreak was the least to fear 

Many things lost like gardens, cars and me

Our houses our families and the way we smiled in that photo 

Taken one day there

And now it’s here 

To glitter

In the past

Little did I know the past is cast with no way repeating it

I can’t even feel it

Those neon lights

The smell of kitchens

The sound of cockroaches 

The click of electricity coming back 

The horns of Rakshas 

The sound of locks opening in doors sleeping

The sounds of fans in ceilings 

The waiting around for all to get in the car after a mugyal 

The rubbish everywhere but at least it had no blood

The bridge knowing we were back home

The question of do we need bread or not 

The local shop that was always open 

The getting out of cars to open front gates 

The pains of my heart 

But the glitter will always stay in those pictures

And she will always have been in that picture and I in a selfie with her in that moment in time 

To my three

 The best in me. 

I am sorry for what I do 

A horrible mum to you

How I wish I could deliver 

All you ever wanted and more

All you ever needed and the more

To my wonderful team 

How beautiful you are dear three

I couldn’t imagine life you give me

Your beautiful eyes

And mouths and hard times

I ride the bus travelling down memory lane

How many times as a teenager I came through here

And now life has changed for the better

Except I never

Would think I’d be this angry

At myself taken on you

After the course

 As if my life will stop being busy 

Will stop being hard

Will stop being lonely

But it’s easy to play the business card

All your troubles are in your hand 

And this is exactly what you deserve 

You complain to anyone but allah 

And the pain you cannot swerve 

Expect people to say 

What you do not want to hear 

Expect people to analyse 

In a way to suit their own 

It’s detrimental I believe

If you still want

To achieve

Hey hope 

You’re broken into a million pieces and you’ve taken down the rest

It’s been hard so what but allah chose you 

Except he didn’t expect you to say into darkness 

Stop this 

Madness

Mrs hard worker 

What’s your business not having business with allah 

Are you mad 

Or just bad 

Or turning into a monster looking like a mum 

Hey Mrs horrible human being 

Have you ever complained to someone and their words healed you ?

Hell no 

So hey you keep doing it ? 

After the course ? Will you stop?  Hey Mrs kind heart with evil words 

Have you ever thought to just stop ? 

BMW 

Stands for 

Best mother working 

Or 

Broken mad woman 

It’s the way you see things 

Hard to decipher how to go back 

But my advice is stop just stop 

جيبي لي موية

 طيب 

Yesterday something inside me broke even further as if my heavy heart was not already tearing the bridge over the fire apart 

My ears attest to kindness and a relationship that is not mine 

I sit in the dark sad and lonely waiting for sleep to come

Waiting to refresh my anger 

But no amount of anything can now take this pain away 

Here I am 

This big 

Yet this invisible 

Utterly and completely useless 

I remember mama nagat 

Here is part 2 of it 

2023

When no one cared …. Really 

Ignoring her and allah thought 

Your time will come too 

Here it is only 20 years earlier 

 Yesterday I realised I am far 

Reels cannot save me, neither can biscuits 

And these tears only blur 

I am only a filler 

Maybe silicone cheap kind too 

But I certainly am not … important

I certainly am not clever 

That one should stay and whoever told you that doesn’t know anything! They said about me from afar . Conclusion done. 

And worse I am not kind 

I saw the lady waiting for the gate to open with my id card blatantly glaring 

I scream 

Because Im sick but No one knows that 

Mama nagat was lonlier than me she never ever screamed 

She was kind 

So I wait to enter that period 

Of letting things happen and staying quiet 

Things I wish 

Someone caring to speak with me 

Truly speak with me 

The last time with a friend that was so kind

The last time  Is always something surreal. Most times we forget , we don’t think of it or we don’t even realise but there is always a last time 

For everything. 

I realised the last time I saw a friend instructor supporter such a kind man was just less than 10 days before his death

He was well and fit then but neither of us knew his time was so critically low. But he listened to me and advised me and cared. He talked to me in a way probably I’ll never find again. 

I didn’t know then that was the last time I would ever see him 

And that was the last time standing in front of the gym and cafe flowers a relatively cold November day 

The 9th to be exact 

At 12pm to be exact 

Until 1 ish be exact 

And then the time just blew up into the air 

It was finished 

For us

But his support for me was undeniable . I could not have finished my deepest and heaviest work without him. I could not finish my challenges . Some of which are not done yet. His support was unwavering 

He always had faith in me 

He always cared

He always cared 

He bought me coffee

We sat down and we discussed women in leadership . He said 

I can see your eyes light up when you talk about your app. 

He was kind 

There was a last time when he left or when he got on a plane or when he got to an airport or when he ate or drank something in a coffee shop at an airport or when he texted or when he emailed . 

Always a last time 

For me his last text was 10.23 sat the 11th Nov. Or a last email 

November 13th at 3.41pm 

Last times can be recorded but they can never be organised 

They just happen 

Or a last paper his name might be on or a last page of a book he might have been reading he sent me or a zoom just for my challenges or the final meet 

Goodbye you heard of Sudan and now you have gone just like Sudan . Memories 

It’s all memories 

But I pray I won’t forget 

You were so kind . So kind . 

Gotcha

 So she got me 

The loneliness has too 

It’s amazing how I get this house would make me super happy but here I am lonely as can be

Unable to sort out the mess trying

But difficult 

I see

Some people

 If only they knew they are the lowest of the lowest

Their cheap perfume gives me a headache and implementation of life makes for an annoying ride

Their voice too loud for nothing and they use damaging tactics . For their family for their kids for their lives 

Lowest of the lowest

It scares me 

Bewilders me

It’s hard being good 

It’s exhausting and yet 

I try 

Lowest of the lowest

Cheap clothes 

Cheap thoughts

Maybe so maybe not 

I don’t know the whole story I say 

But I do know this 

I do try

But I also worry 

It’s all wrong 

The worry 

Making me sick 

Making me old

But allah has never failed me

Even when I fail him he helps me

It’s sad really 

That I live ….

With worry

I try not let it seep out of me but sometimes it’s just gushes 

Until I annoy others

Then I worry some more 

Then I eat

I think that’s the pattern and yet

All good that’s happened it’s just beyond explanation 

Beyond words

And yet I’m wondering how do people do this

How do people think like this

How do people imagine they have a life or not 

Lowest of the lowest

Lowest of the lowest

And then the other crowd

It’s tv for them 

A

L

L

D

A

Y

L

O

N

G

I hope things work out 

We all have our faults

We all have our pains

We all have our strengths 

We all have our weaknesses

We all have our anguishes

We all have our regrets

We all have our hopes

We all then set out to deliver

The line

 Of people waiting for the house

They beg they call they try they think they bypass they ask they hope they dream they text they text again they scan they attach not just their aspirations but also their papers their worries they speak they send they email they stare with the corner of their eye each time they pass and finally they realise they’re still no very different than the one at the end 

Who knows maybe even they have a stronger chance

For why me? 

The ugly unprayered lazy parent disappointing senseless witch 

Implosion

 A fascinating scary word

Catastrophic 

When pressures outside become to much to bare

Like how it’s hard right now waiting for answers waiting for time waiting for words like spears

I watch the resemblance how unforgiving how tough how obedient the need is

And I ask myself

If it’s this painful to feel

Why do I do it to them?

Each day it gets harder

The way the materials I’m made of change for the weaker

With nothing to strengthen them from the inside 

They say it’s always them 

But this time I guess it really is me

For the pressure is strong and natural 

But me I don’t have the power to make it go away 

Or to protect myself from the words

Implosion 

A catastrophic event

Not outward but inward

When the cracks start maybe a little while they have been there maybe suddenly and as deeper and deeper it goes as tough as it gets until 

…. Silence

Many repeats made it happen so what are my repeats I feel ok knowing I try but when I don’t 

I feel like no matter what I could be made of I will 

… implode

Like this no religion 

Just a target

It’s coming 

——-

It’s hurtful but I must bare it

It’s shaming but I must take it

What really hurts is that this is my consequence right now 

4 people in a room just cannot make for an empty one

But that’s ok my fire burns because I’m strong 

It’s difficult but I can make it

It’s lonely and that’s the hardest taking

My body is getting heavier and heavier

I imagine the silence of the wreck 

How the time clicks and turns down there by people’s mistakes

If only If only if  only

What are my if onlys?

What are my ‘I wish I could take backs ‘

Well right now I graduated and I’m proud

I must be strong so I can survive it

Best hope

Adherence

 I still remember classes of impressions yet asherance to study was what I learnt

If you had 25 min to spare you use it to learn not eat 

And so now I am a bmi of 45 adding all those 25’s 

My accomplishments seem … annoying 

I don’t see it having been woken up at 3am and now it’s 5am boy am I tired

But yea it is getting ready for a new day 

And yet news comes in my previous acquaintances  are doing much much better than me 

It saddens me 

But then I think this is as best I’ve done in the situations I’ve been given 

But then I see no 

It’s not

For example I don’t need time or money or even intelligence or lose weight or to know I have spiralled out of control 

And yet here I am with a bmi of 45 written on papers an embarrassment really 

How can I accomplish anything if I can’t accomplish myself 

Today will be a test of time 

For I have had no good sleep I could eat the world but would it make me feel better

I feel sad and mad at myself 

It’s all about adherence

Adhere to your goals to your sanity to your strength to your belief to your red lines

And go back turn back 

Now

Who’s right who’s wrong

 Mum I want my own bottle

Who cares

Should I have should I not it hurts me that I don’t know 

I just don’t know the answer 

——-

Homework somethings thinks it’s meaningless I think it’s really important . I’m pretty sure I’m right. Who cares . In the end does it matter that I convince or does it matter I live and be free

——-

I was a so sad about the yoghurt case for those girls. Even sadder they got arrested. I think that man should go to hell . Many other men too. Horrible.  

——

The car park was empty right there a space. But no . Man said no. There were ‘children’ there who were grown up teenagers going to a disco. What’s the big deal. Why did I have to be one arguing on behalf of someone else . 

——-

Life is all about people thinking they are right and others are wrong. It’s always about convincing . Or trying to convince . 

Sometimes I am smarter in my own head than out of  it. For someone who now has a PhD I should be smarter though escpecially with my beautiful daughter who I will lose this way 

—-

Stay magical mom 2

 Dear eman

I am sorry I am awful in the morning

When you come to ask my help in your uniform I’m like a mess of mess so wrecked from feeding a 2 months baby you always come in my minutes sleep 

I get mad as I’m just

So

Tired

I know it’s no excuse

But I’ve never been this toast

Along with my disgusting eating 

I’m not magical 

More like the peat lake in those fairy stories that trolls live in 

Dark dirty and murky 

I just realised also I treat you exactly like how my mother treats me in every way I do not like

So she must be exhausted too?

No doubt

She’s lonely too

No doubt

She’s deep down sad and angry too

And I don’t mean at me

Dear beautiful I’m sorry 

I’m sick of who I’ve become

Absolutely rotten 

This is 

NOT WHO I ADMIRE 

But I am not here to stay in this ugly mindset

Stay magical mom

 She writes my sweet sweet eman

And yet the broken in me sees the worst

I’m not myself I’m lacking and weak 

 Feeling not magical except to be the evil witch 

Ya allah

I’m sorry

I’m lonely

I wish that change the wish to truth

Stay magical mom 

Just stop this madness

Dad is coming soon 

I wish I had it all for them

I’ve never loved like this 

Them

Eman Ahmed and now sami 

Baby sami 

I weep with joy habit fear

And that fear becomes exhaustion along with true lack of sleep 

I 

Pounce 

My son the shouting disease

 My son for the first time in his life said to me 

Don’t sleep in my bed! Go back to your bed

Yalla!

I was devastated

The shouting disease full on in him

He has been so far given only this inheritance

It’s true it’s all my fault

I am viscous stone cold blood sucking female

I have given my son the sweet kind gentle kissing loving boy the inheritance of meanness 

Every Tuesday

 There is a meeting somewhere in a building affecting people’s lives 

On Tuesday before last it affected me

I wonder how the difficult decision was made on our behalf

I wonder what other difficult decisions there will be

I am so so scared

Of decisions 

This time the devil has really taken a hold of me

The 

Missing out

 On things that I shouldn’t

Like being kind to my children

Or taking a walk everyday 

Like stopping the shouting and being calm

Like working extra hard

Like getting rich 

Not for me for them 

Like holding them in and not pushing them out

My reaction is surprising to me that it would annoy me when he says come mama rather than take it as a glimmer of hope that he is one that cares for me

It is also surprising how angry I feel at all that happens

Just like my own mum

Even though I hate it happening to me 

I  am her when I vowed I wouldn’t 

Why do I have to copy ?

When I tell her the exact opposite advice

Not so easy is it 

Or

You can dish it but you can’t do it

It’s sad

All of this is sad

Not right

I’m drowning

Feeling emotionally tangled in a web of wrong

I will die like this 

maddeningly diasspointed

 Now i have to bare the crest of watching my new neighbours enjoy what i thought i deserved

but someone else didnt think so

and so my fate was in their hands

but then again it really is all Allah

so i do know deep down and surface up that it just was not meant to be

heartbreakingly so

maybe im not meant to 

a house 

a bedroom

whatever

maybe we will just have to grow up like this

lets just go to the estate agents she said

what point?

i think to myself this is really painful

angrily so

maddeningly so

annoyingly so

texting wishing emailing going driving parking hoping trying asking checking

and still an F

but there are worst Fs that if im not careful things can dissapoint further

is it really worth it?

maybe i should wait to see what 2023 has to offer

maybe its new beginnings or stay the sames with twists or maybe no twists

maybe its success just like i dream 

you know what maybe its buying not renting

maybe its renting

maybe its not

but is it worth my anger?

is it worth my pain?

is it worth this sadness

well its hard to walk out of it

but then ive seen teachers stupidly stand in corridors all day where theyre not wanted

they believe that someone will just come up to them and say hey look

were sorry actually you were right here teach away this is your class

what do i believe

hey on second note here is the house 

or 

we made a mistake or whoever we gave it to said no give it to the other family 

is that what my mind say?

i am not stupid

but i do want to publish cool articles

and lose weight and stop shouting at my kids

and try and try harder to make them comfortable

best hope 

Quiet emails

 I hate

When waiting for the one

It breaks my heart I hate not knowing

But I also know I’ve done enough?

Or have I?

Feeling lost 

Wishing the best though 

My thoughts are unavailable 

I have left everything at the wrong time

And I feel absolutely broken

With the suer quietness of it all 

I am the only one shouting in my head in my mind in my life

And yet I wait for the one

.

.

.

.

Email of tries 

The pinching moon

 Dear Eman and Ahmed (baby is too small for my wrath)

I’m sorry I’ve been like this 

Turmoil for you to see

And yet you kiss me and soothe me with your bob marley twirls

Don’t worry about a thing

Cuz everything in the world is going to be alright

And yet I pinch 

Drastically unaware of my own pain and my own anger

My own sorrows and my own turmoil

I do nothing but fade when I scream

Your little beautiful ears melt with my voice

And yet like drugs I continue

Let me tell you 

Tommorow is a life changer

I’m sick of who I am 

In everything

I feel so alone yet I have created this 

I miss you already 

As you continue to hate me

Tommorow either way I’ll find out some things

If painful shall I continue to torment

You ask me I want a new home

Why didn’t you wear socks? 

It’s all there

Oh how I wish I could just give you 

Oh how I wish I could change it all for you 

I do not want to be the parent that drives you away 

I am sorry 

Answers

 In a time of desperation the answers are painful 

I feel sad

Not knowing

Not having

Someone out there knows

And yet I’m angry 

I’m frustrated

I’m lost

I’m anxious

I’m wishing

I’m hopeful 

But they wouldn’t care

No answers 

Back

In my mind it’s all black 

I tried

I don’t know if I failed … yet

I’m just so heartbroken like I’m waiting for it to be all unleashed 

Through the gate 

With their key of confirmation 

We are sorry to let you know… 

I feel 

Feel less 

I’ve tried 

But I just don’t have any more power in me 

I’ve given it all up 

Only allah has all the power

The answer is out there

The one I don’t want and the one I do

The one I dream of and The one that shatters

The answer can be hard

Can be tough 

Can be sore

Can be really aching

And one must go through it all 

Until it is confirmed or until it isn’t 

Until it’s there or until it’s not

That light 

Was probably the new person 

I just can’t face it

Those in the queue Someone has the answer

 And history repeats faced with tragedy I distract 

Until it’s too late

The answer is 

Don’t be like this 

Everyone’s mum is

 Patient except me

Doesn’t have that ugliness but I do 

I’m not talking about my mum 

She’s nice as can be

Trying her best I can see

But me

I make others cry 

Far away I live in an unknown land

And come pounce whenever I can 

On small prey to make them cry and feel sad

Lonely and mad 

Like me 

Punishments

Punishments

Punishments 

All girls are now happy except mine

All girls are not angry except mine

All girls are talked well to

Except I’m not talked well to 

I’m not talked to at all 

I’m all alone

The younger mama Nagat

Her story lives on 

In a room of silence just modern

Just forward dated

This exam 

These no attempts

These lack of decisions 

These missing emails

These hard to answer emails 

These sleepless nights

These awful mornings

These failed tries

Whose fault is it

I just don’t know 

I just don’t know