Monday, February 6, 2023

The pinching moon

 Dear Eman and Ahmed (baby is too small for my wrath)

I’m sorry I’ve been like this 

Turmoil for you to see

And yet you kiss me and soothe me with your bob marley twirls

Don’t worry about a thing

Cuz everything in the world is going to be alright

And yet I pinch 

Drastically unaware of my own pain and my own anger

My own sorrows and my own turmoil

I do nothing but fade when I scream

Your little beautiful ears melt with my voice

And yet like drugs I continue

Let me tell you 

Tommorow is a life changer

I’m sick of who I am 

In everything

I feel so alone yet I have created this 

I miss you already 

As you continue to hate me

Tommorow either way I’ll find out some things

If painful shall I continue to torment

You ask me I want a new home

Why didn’t you wear socks? 

It’s all there

Oh how I wish I could just give you 

Oh how I wish I could change it all for you 

I do not want to be the parent that drives you away 

I am sorry 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -