Sunday, June 14, 2020

Pandemic times of me 4_worst of my worst

the battle is real
failed and miserable, every night i turn into a cold blooded woman of nothing
 i dont know who I am
as the clock of my worst rolls
i roll into a sick adventure
they say you cant do the same thing expecting a different result
so i do the same thing and get the same result of pain
of destruction of anger and despair
its inside me

like a broken film
its around me
like a massive dinosaur
roaring and attacking
and yet.. the room is silent ...and black

everything at this moment is wrong
and i know
i have upset the most critical

and i ask myself
why cant I?

why cant i be the best
why cant i suceed
why cant i pass
why cant i write
why cant i focus
why cant i do the right thing

what mess have i gotten myself into

its clear
dont go near

its obvious
its detrimental

its loud
this is not sound

this ramadan
i was at my worst
ever
faraway
but then
i gained insight for the first time in my life
and i grew strong
i knew and felt for the first time how the devil interfered
and then
i asked myself
why cant i fight
why cant i win?

and now i ask myself
what am i doing?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -