Hey glitter

 

On our bodies you hold memories sewn into our lives

 Glittering with dazzle little did we know it would all be left behind 

In wardrobes to be trashed by militia and demons

I really just remember all the beautiful juice of lemons… with mint

And green it was one from Marta one my own choice . From a laid back alley way in midtown Khartoum 

Khartoum heartbreak at its core here - little did i know heartbreak was the least to fear 

Many things lost like gardens, cars and me

Our houses our families and the way we smiled in that photo 

Taken one day there

And now it’s here 

To glitter

In the past

Little did I know the past is cast with no way repeating it

I can’t even feel it

Those neon lights

The smell of kitchens

The sound of cockroaches 

The click of electricity coming back 

The horns of Rakshas 

The sound of locks opening in doors sleeping

The sounds of fans in ceilings 

The waiting around for all to get in the car after a mugyal 

The rubbish everywhere but at least it had no blood

The bridge knowing we were back home

The question of do we need bread or not 

The local shop that was always open 

The getting out of cars to open front gates 

The pains of my heart 

But the glitter will always stay in those pictures

And she will always have been in that picture and I in a selfie with her in that moment in time 

To my three

 The best in me. 

I am sorry for what I do 

A horrible mum to you

How I wish I could deliver 

All you ever wanted and more

All you ever needed and the more

To my wonderful team 

How beautiful you are dear three

I couldn’t imagine life you give me

Your beautiful eyes

And mouths and hard times

I ride the bus travelling down memory lane

How many times as a teenager I came through here

And now life has changed for the better

Except I never

Would think I’d be this angry

At myself taken on you

After the course

 As if my life will stop being busy 

Will stop being hard

Will stop being lonely

But it’s easy to play the business card

All your troubles are in your hand 

And this is exactly what you deserve 

You complain to anyone but allah 

And the pain you cannot swerve 

Expect people to say 

What you do not want to hear 

Expect people to analyse 

In a way to suit their own 

It’s detrimental I believe

If you still want

To achieve

Hey hope 

You’re broken into a million pieces and you’ve taken down the rest

It’s been hard so what but allah chose you 

Except he didn’t expect you to say into darkness 

Stop this 

Madness

Mrs hard worker 

What’s your business not having business with allah 

Are you mad 

Or just bad 

Or turning into a monster looking like a mum 

Hey Mrs horrible human being 

Have you ever complained to someone and their words healed you ?

Hell no 

So hey you keep doing it ? 

After the course ? Will you stop?  Hey Mrs kind heart with evil words 

Have you ever thought to just stop ? 

BMW 

Stands for 

Best mother working 

Or 

Broken mad woman 

It’s the way you see things 

Hard to decipher how to go back 

But my advice is stop just stop 

جيبي لي موية

 طيب 

Yesterday something inside me broke even further as if my heavy heart was not already tearing the bridge over the fire apart 

My ears attest to kindness and a relationship that is not mine 

I sit in the dark sad and lonely waiting for sleep to come

Waiting to refresh my anger 

But no amount of anything can now take this pain away 

Here I am 

This big 

Yet this invisible 

Utterly and completely useless 

I remember mama nagat 

Here is part 2 of it 

2023

When no one cared …. Really 

Ignoring her and allah thought 

Your time will come too 

Here it is only 20 years earlier 

 Yesterday I realised I am far 

Reels cannot save me, neither can biscuits 

And these tears only blur 

I am only a filler 

Maybe silicone cheap kind too 

But I certainly am not … important

I certainly am not clever 

That one should stay and whoever told you that doesn’t know anything! They said about me from afar . Conclusion done. 

And worse I am not kind 

I saw the lady waiting for the gate to open with my id card blatantly glaring 

I scream 

Because Im sick but No one knows that 

Mama nagat was lonlier than me she never ever screamed 

She was kind 

So I wait to enter that period 

Of letting things happen and staying quiet 

Things I wish 

Someone caring to speak with me 

Truly speak with me