Monday, February 8, 2021

Pieces of me 6- the woman with renal failure

Before she died one day said to me 
Once upon a time I had the best life in the world
I was the happiest woman in the world
But then terrible things happened to her 
Things that are too painful to write
For me
Too terrible to think of 
Too terrible to imagine how she must have felt
Except her kidneys failing 
Except her life never as she imagined
Except how she had to accept the screams and the illnesses not just to her but to her whole family
Who are now in different corners of infinity
Held only by memory and history
That one day 
Far away 
There was a family that was actually really really happy but they no longer exist

Dear blog
My heart aches for how my life is going
And I am so scared
I know that I have to be strong and powerful and show my muscles
But my muscles are only weak and frail 
And my despair is suffocating
My gashes are now large
And my fears are now rampant
Eating me alive 

Until maybe the kidneys or the heart or other organs will be gone 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -