Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Pieces of me 9- the decision

Is to write write
Write and write
It’s the only way to heal
Paper can’t shout 
Paper can’t misunderstand
paper can’t shut
Paper is white
Paper is truth 

Beliefs must stay core
Good things must stay core

Good things I have control over 
Like listening to podcasts music series and radio
Like writing about love
Like being at peace with my beautiful children
Like finding allah for I have lost him 
Like finding myself
Like being nice to myself
Like believing in myself 
Like never confusing strength with anything else

I will no longer turn to disappointment
No longer turn to fear
No longer turn to threats
And no longer turn to expectation

I will not lie
I am very hurt
I am very angry
I am very disappointed
I am very discouraged
I am scared

But like a cancer diagnosis or like an ill heart
Or like any other disease
It must be faced full on and the treatment found
And even in the bad cases
When treatment fails 
People still try 
Before it’s all over
They still try 


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -