Monday, February 8, 2021

Pieces of me 8 - I came here

To be happy 
I came here to be loved
I came here to be attached 
I came here to be light
I came here with dreams
I came here with hopes 
I came here with a vision 
I came here with excitement 
I came here with defiance
I came here for completion 
I came here with things
I came here with nice things
I came here to find myself
And my family to reconnect
I came here for connection
I came here for love
I came here so I wouldn’t be alone

A lot of these things happened
But for a small amount of time
A very small amount of time
And then none of these happened
And life became sour
Became 
Quiet
Khartoum heartbreak at its best
01.01 am here in the desert with stings if all kind
For the balcony cools the mosquitos and invites them to bite my open heart 
That admits defeat
That admits sorrow 
That admits shock
And the biggest sadness
Loss
The stings are numerous
But I give my body to the malarial insight of a broken relationship 
For imagine!
Distance had hidden us into lies!
And the power of similar numbers but with one different at the end 
Tore us apart
I feel like I’m at the farthest location on earth 
The tents of the deepest Persian mountains 
Or maybe the smallest town on earth 
Or maybe the most silent

I ask myself
What is mOre important to me 
My health and happiness my smartness my goodness or something else? 


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -