Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Now the mindset is wrong

Steering into loneliness can be a terrible thing
Can be the worst feeling
It’s funny how I don’t listen to anyone except what I shouldn’t listen to
It’s annoying how I annoy myself more than I annoy others
It’s scary how scared I am yet others are fearful of me
I feel hurt 
So I push myself down in the dark
The place of loss
The devils promise
 I promise that I can offer you poverty
And that’s what I’ve taken

I prayed to god that he would not let me return to the place of darkness I was in 
I’m trying but when I fail … sometimes
Does it mean he has not accepted?
I don’t think so 
I think he has
I wouldn’t be here with this idea otherwise
But I am so afraid so I back down into this rubbish hole rather than giving my heart and soul

Who am I ?
Am I really that powerful strength or am I a fake? 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -