The last door on the street

I am afraid of my situations

I should have why didn’t I 

I didn’t do this

I didn’t do that 

I need to do this 

Always in a constant battle for foreshortening in my life

And a an unrepaired outcome

Things done last moment

Things not done

Things wrong 

4/5/6 hours of waste each night

Better of asleep 

Better of reading 

Better of watching tv

Bettter of meditating

And then my body says

We hate you carrier

You don’t appreciate us 

You don’t even like us 

Here we are breathing for you

Trying to survive for you and you only 

Look the other way 

Even though you fill the mirror you still see nothing

This year of 2021 I have been overall a minus person

Things are not right in the mind inside

Things are not kind 

Things are working faulty

I’m on the wrong adventure

Or is it no adventure

I’m on the wrong path

It’s lonely

With broken slates and everyone’s inside warm with orange lights eating and drinking their happiness into the future

And I search for the right door

Is it this one ?

Or is it that one?

Which one behind it has all the remedies for my worries

For my helplessness

For me fears

For my everything

I try this door

Looks like a nice story to follow but there’s no hot chocolate her

What about the other door 

But there will never be any vivas here

What about this door

You can send all the emails you want you were not close

I am angry all these doors look glistening actually tricking me all the time 

Try this no try this no this will work 

Well it doesn’t work 

Never has never will 

I stand by a dark sign post and rest my head watching the hot air become cold as it leaves me happily dancing to the sky away from all my negative energy

And then I notice the last door on the street

It’s silent

No lights just one on the side but it’s attractive

The last door before the corner

Before I can’t see what’s on the other side

A big round clog lies on its centre

Nothing major but everything different from all the other doors I’ve knocked on 

My eyes link my mind invisible is drawn 

I walk over  slowly then quickly

And finally I stand in front of the door

Coming closer it looks wider the wood dark but solid

The circular handle nicely smooth 

The door just sits there 

I look around and notice no major sounds but I look down and notice a golden light from under the door. 

I ask myself if I knock on this door who will open? 

And if I knock on this door what will happen. 

Well this is the last door on the street

I’ve knocked on all of them before except this one

I’ve even knocked on some twice three and ten times 

I remind myself what happens when I knock

First the halls look interesting then you understand that there are tricks everywhere

Like it’s not like what ot seems

Like 5 hours of waste

Like feeling constantly tired

I look up the street from where I just was 

Some doors look really attractive 

Maybe I could just go to ones I’ve tried before 

I decide that previous doors are trustworthy at least I know what I’m in for

Failure

I start to walk away 

But then I stop 

The door looks at me and I look at it the wind takes language and turns leaves up on the street

I am suddenly aware of the words of the wind 

The trees sway in harmony

The tiles of the pavement connect with each other

The road is in existence 

I turn around and look at the last door on the street once more

I realise on that moment that I want to go forward not back 

I am interested in what this quiet less glittery door has to show

I take some footsteps and come in front of it again

I take a deep breath fist my hand to knock 

And then ….

To be continued