Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Difficult situations -2

When you want to be something and you can’t
When you want to be a good mother and you can’t
When you want to be patient and you cant
When you want to be kind and you cant
When you want to not reply and ypu cant
When you want it to not be this way but it is
When you can’t stand what others are thinking and saying about you but you can’t
When you have work to do but there’s no time
When you want to be the best but end up being the worst
When you fear that will be the case always 
When ypu have 4 chances and you’ve already failed two 
When you think you’re smart but you really are not 
When you think you are healthy but you are really are not
When you’re just tired of being told off so many times it just doesn’t matter anymore
When you’re heartbroken about the results and pretend it’s ok 
It’s not ok 
When youre disgusted with yourself and try to hide that 
When you make a big mistake when ypu thought it wasn’t 
When you have to do something you just don’t want to do 
When you have no time for that paw thing you just do t want to do 
When no one picks up the phone on the other End of the line
When. You have to ring a million times and there is still no answer on the other end of the line 
When the emails you get are horrible
When your email gets forwarded to loads of people you’ve never even met
When youre a fake
When you beg for what’s it yours
I when you get a message that says 
يا خايبة
يخص
When you try to shut it out but you think it’s true 
When your failure is loud 
When you made that failure loud 
When you have to beg like a curling dog
When  you have to be out in your place really
When you have to be out in your place
Fixed mindset - Whwn you cannot get out of it 
When you feel so lonely and so big at the same time 
When it just cannot be done
When you feel so tired and someone else says I’m more tired than you 
So you can just shut up about your tiredness how dare you even think of it 
When the voice is always angry
Just like the exam you will never be able to fix it 
When you are too ashamed 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -