Saturday, November 20, 2021

This isn’t going to work 2

Things are not happening with you 
There’s no point saying I’m kind 
When I’m not
Decision fatigue 
They say
People count on me to make good choices and the bad news is I’m not
Escpecially those who need me most
Because I’m too busy thinking about all the busy messy horrible things 
I scream
I shout my face all swollen and inflamed
I am inflamed
In feelings that are a nuisance
Do the right thing under the wrong conditions 
People speak to meanly and so so I speak bad at others meanly
The circle of nightmares
I don’t want to be like this 
I have no happiness in me right now 
To give to her

I am for sure strong 
But strength isn’t meanness
And strength isn’t now
And strength isnt winning either 

If this then that. 


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -