Day off 3

one day i read some lines and understood things differently

it wasn't magical or anything 

but since then things went on the same rail track but didn't

i still see myself trying to coax forgiveness and getting pictures changed....forever

my grandmother a religious woman in my opinion lived her life alone almost the last 7 years of her life. i contributed to that. so its no wonder its happening all over again.

but at least she had faith.... i have..... 

sometimes i wonder what it takes to ask a question or to go for a walk or to calm the hell down

or where this magic water is that may cool me or take away this gap in my heart

its like trying to find a lost watch in the middle of a field while taking three kids to an event and meeting people you know and dont k now worrying about your little one and indeed finding him up the hill but thankfully middle child runs to get him while yu push a pram all the way up in order to get there and then say hi to a few more while being annoyed that you lost .... the digital part of ..her watch.

as one who believes in romance. i should know

that you can never 

ever 

ever 

ever

ever

ever

ever 

ever 

ever 

ever make a man want you 

he has to want to want you

otherwise its nonsense really

so then i wonder why on my day off 

again 

i

am 

alone.

i dont know 

the fire wont extinguish and the lava wont spill its fuming and gaping and spinning inside running around my veins like orange fury swiftly speeding across and inside and absorbed all the way in but not tall the way out

its hard to hold

but i try 

i guess its that time of the month .....

when hormones play up 

not loneliness

not failed attempts

not power over me that i am so scared to lose

will i lose?

well i have already lost haven't i 

yes indeed

but  i cant live like this forever so when i stop.....what will become of me?

enrolment has started

the idea encased and settled a long long time ago driving in car in downtown khartoum one day

why her and not you?

i think my loneleniness has worsened since i lost sudan

those henna swirls and thoobs that you wear for weddings or anything and fresh hair done and maybe even the sandal freshness

icant 

im something im not and im everything i am

i wish i could trust my abilities

they call it high functioning anxiety ort something like that but i dont have that

i just have ..... me

but its seeping you see

people always wsay to me why u worried why u saying that why you doing taht 

and i wonder is it me or them?

like i got to hold that orange with my hand and as it sizzles dont stop until it goes back inside

there.....

i rub my hand a little and the skin returns to normal

its all normal

what would happen at 60? would i still drive al lthe way there?

i need to do something 

i cant trust anyone in this but me

no one can help me but me

nobosy wants to help me but me

and i fnish with this stroy

a long time ago january 18th 2021 but could be 2022 but its definitely january 18th i read some lines and understood things differently

it was anormal morning but we had gotten a present one from a religious guru where stuff helps shine transaprency and boy was that what happened..

and then it happened that i lost the power and my picture got deleted.

and the fmaily one placed in stead

because fmaily is important than.....

its my day off

i wish i could ifnish a book

and settle my loves

and find my mojo and get back to walking and sotp eating and use my time and love

something else.....