day off 1

 sitting in the vast internet are my small thoughts 

 but today they are not so small because its my day off

and ive been wanting and waiting for a lot of things

but nothing comes

i read i think to myself

maybe im not the queen of romance after all 

how can i be 

when all i wish is company but all i g et is the same me that i take to work

i will not force anybody to sit with me

last time i said it - the answer was - why are u like this?

kindly....

because its a choice

in my heart i always believe love actions a re achoice

that should never be forced

like the tears falling now

are a choice

because i keep reading the choices i dont have

but

i could create them

with my words

that are inexperienced

but nevertheless 

there

i wonder is that i work a lot 

so used to it

just another day

whats so special about me after all?

im just a bossy - first class baggage size woman

and as i watch my things

and my life ....lonely

i couldnt describe a better word

mama nagat 2

the modern one

that one allah doesnt love at all

i remember she said she was born at 7mths and her father thought she would die

but checked in everyday and asked the nurses was she alive

and he did this for nearly 3months until she was ok to leave home

short of a miracle really

im glad she was alive

and i deserve every single bit of loneliness

and then i remember how second chances were given but i show pictures to reflect his strength and yet remember she died on my birthday

things only i will ever understand

and i wonder will the coincidence be too much for to hide to myself

its not

i see it

and im making it up

then thats the romantic in me

im like this woman from an extra terrestial planet strong so strong

with powers inside me thingsi know and things i dont

things i can access and things i cant 

but they're all there

my buttons inactive to fly to my place but i should like to think i can be beautiful and deeply wanted

and i should like to think where im lost i have friends that really do talk to me and i can talk to them

and in that place i come from that i get forgiven too

but im here and the waves of non woman material inside me want to come out but i know that if they will

they can damage the whole world

that how much i wish and want for me to have been.....something else

and yet on my  day off i sit here writing about loneliness 

taking a deep breath and trying to not worry about al lthe tings that can break me

thats not the right move

the right thing to do would be to let the nerves fry to the single end inside letting them frizzle and frazzle while drinking tea.

the right thing to do would be to hold grace as if a massive wave was coming and like in that move the girl goes to her father even though they never got on and chooses to die with him as the water comes

the right things to do would be to accept i have no friends near or far. 

 the right thing to do would be to accept i am the man when i want to be the woman

one of those that uses all the cards beeping around with an x9 .... in heels

the right thing to do would be not to drag and tear the sides of my nails all the time 

the right thing to do would be not to cry

dont cry