Saturday, November 19, 2022

The sting of fault

 I have to be paralysed 

The game is not on my side

Although it was by my rules but the rules have changed

By me

Suddenly I no longer feel on too I no longer care

I no longer deem myself fit to win 

So I am stung by my shame

Anger

Deceit to myself

Hurt 

Disgust

All of it

I am truly a mistake of anything

Am sick of it too 

Sick of myself


And then just when I change the games 

The others do toI 

For my benefit

But now I have no ability to override my control

I am powerless

I am  

Cemented on the ground of my own failure 


I cannot proceed after all of this great work or work that is possible to win that very tip I lose edge

I lose balance 

I lost it all



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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -