Friday, July 29, 2022

Whos fault is it ?

 Its interestring that the last post written just before this one is about my mother

and here i am again writing about her

and me

since i am a mother too

albeit a broken one 

jigswas of love combine to form anger

in the form of love

our worstparts become all our parts

our worst parts become unhidden, seen

our worst parts hurt us and form us into another realm of anger, disgust, madness, being unreasonable and simply in pain

this is the first time i feel a lot of pain from myself and from my mother

physical pain not just mental

and although i said im sorry there is a lingering of anguish inside me

is this really who we are

its all just pretend then

and then there is my daughter 

who i treat worst than my mother treats me

and i wonder what i expect from her then 

except what she sees now 

i feel angered with noone but myself

but i also ask why yesterday?

is it really my fault, her fault, my daughters fault?

or is it someone elses

that eye

that will always remain a secret but our actions wont

actions hurt

i ask myself 

is this the pain people feel before they do and do and do 

i feel sick i feel like noone understands me

i think i am kind but am i?

i think i am good but am i?

i think i am smart but am i?

i think i am great but am i?

i think i am a human being but am i?

it saddens me 

how in this world people hurt each other 

those who know each other , and those who dont 

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -