paralysed

 in times on need i am paralysed

all confidence gone

replaced by quiet anger ive never felt before

and also this scared ultimatum

sure its just cant be done 

although ive never thought like this before

its exhausting

the same feeling before studying for the exam and then failing

the truth is im afraid to try anymore

im so afraid

there i said it

unbearable

the waste of time

the lack of energy the missing opportunities

all because im just too afraid

to try

who am i to succeed

and then deep down i am also angry

all this unknown

but who am i angry at?

me them him ?

i just dont know

all of them 

but how does it matter

it just layers on me even more 

sitting here 

i know i dont belong here

or do i

i just dont know

and this time

is it my time ?

i so want it to be

but trust me i am just not doing enough

although i could be

it angers me so much though

that its really 3 when ive been tricked into thinking its 6

it angers me

i cant process it

like i have no right to ask to think about it

like ive been mocked 

like ive been tricked

and trust me

i have been tricked

all of this 

work work work

and then suddenly its all so easy the time is free

it angers me 

and i just cant process it

so how do i reply

i punish myself

i let it not happen

i let myself down

when i should really pick myself up 

let it cry feel hurt

feel pain 

feel tricked

but hold myself with the cheeks and gently hold myself to will

until it all passes

then tell myself

youre stronger than t his

youre better than this

you deserve to fight for your cause

and some people will help you, others will no matter what put themselves first and then there is just no more i am sorry

dont ever forget that

so what difference is it from what i dont like 

i dont know really

its like living within walls of electrocuted gardens

everything is beautiful and yet...

dont get close

deal with what you get

but i cant seem to deal

im only shuffling

asking wondering breaking being haunted by 

this is just too much

am i really who i say i am

am i really who i can be

am i really the one to win and not be defeated

at least by myself

currently its 

23456323423-0

high number is the wolf in me 

the one that is growling howling with pain

with unanswered questions

with turmoil

with this feeling of get on with it 

and yet i just cant

i just cant process 

but then i think 

i dont want to be the one who cant do

i dont want to be the one who says and lies

i dont want to be the one who just isnt promising

but i am so far behind

each day i am pushed even more back

but no one is doing this pushing but me

instead of giving life however i am suffocating it all 

all my challenges wins tries events everything 

just breaking it between my fingers like..... making pastry

tasteless

right now its all tasteless