Enstranged

 From myself 

But worse my mum

We are like bread and toaster

She heats and i … blacken

Out of context we are unhappy

Not your normal 

Family

Mum and daughter should be kind should be fair

Should be tolerant should be … sweet

But we are vinegar put on a wound 

Or salt on the gash 

Of transferring this madness into my own

I hate who I am

Who I’ve become

I know I could be better kinder

That I could let all the pain STOP at the level of us

And not continue

For at least I owe the fact that this pain started recently

Not when I was 5

So poor faith

Having to deal with this 

I feel like I’m in a nightmare

Shouting

Defensiveness

Explosion of eyes

Anger

Anger

Sharpness

Unwillingness to be nice

Unwillingness to be loving

Answers always swift

Answers always mean

There are no answers 

It’s always gone

And I feel hurt

Really sad

That this would be us

No us

Just memories

And a future filled with fights

But hey …

I have the power to not m participate

Yes

I 

Do 

I feel so angry

 At her at me 

At the produces of us

Anger sustains our nourishment

Peace is unstill 

We are broken stuck together only by genetics

There is no answer

There is no coming together 

It’s all disdain 

It’s all sharpness the ones that hurt

It’s all misunderstanding

It’s all being faraway 

All being in unparalleled lines

Yesterday I really felt like kebabs 

So I did them 

I thought it would be fun 

But kebabs don’t go with fish and it was all terrible

I hated how she was deliberate not to put them out 

They’re done by me of course so poison 

And then he asked about them she HAD to put them out 

I had to buy a bag 

Who cares

I had to shout 

I had to apologise

I just don’t care

Or do I 

Badness goes around  

I started it 

So I guess I get what I deserve

Or do I 

I feel sorry for myself

I have to deal with a lot

Or do I 

Maybe it’s the other way around

I guess they’re at the age where their branches are twig and break

And mine are still bendable

Or are they 

All I know is 

We don’t get on more than we do 

We don’t get on 

We 

Don’t 

Get 

On 

Worse

If I just fight back half a once 

I get the spitfire of dragons poured over me

Things that shouldn’t be evil

Are

I feel like I’m tired more than I have energy 

And I’m angry and sad more than I’m happy

Best

Over 

The pain

 Of someone sitting so alone

Probably thinking if things in the past

Or maybe not

And another

Alone although free

Angry mad sad

Lonely

Loneliness big and dumb

At how things are 

NOW

Like how a father is no longer available

Or a son is no longer free

Or a brother is but is now all alone

Who is right in this story

And who is wrong

When did it all start to go wrong

On marriage day

On divorce day

On travel day

On no day

On regret day

On remorse day

On thinking of only I didn’t do this day?

The pain

Of a single cell 

Dirty hot with the unknown

But they cannot protect now

The pain

Of everything

Everyone

No one

The pain of no one

Feeling like you don’t have no one

Must be unbearable

I wonder does he remember 

I wonder does he dream of another life

I wonder does he pray

I wonder is he different

I wonder what happens in a soul on questioning life 

They say

Being rejected is the same feeling a physical pain 

Never mind by your own one 

And after a big try 

Here is me thinking I did well 

When I didn’t 

48/60 in fact

Cheapest of the earth results

I couldn’t even pass the easy stuff 

Like making her like me 

The preference is real

The pain is also 

Here I am with a real deficit 

Being unliked

Being in comforting

 Having to resort 

It’s sad when I’m this pathetic

… everyone thinks I’m just a disappointed idiot 

When I’m not 

I’m really a smart fool 

One is afraid 

Feelings raw feelings unworthy

Feelings broken

Shattered by the hammer of further torment 

Ridicule is a sharp misery

And here it is

Breaking the soul

No matter what I do 

I’ll never get there

Let me tell you

That in Islam god says if you kill one person then You have killed the whole of humanity and if you saved one person then you have saved the whole of humanity 

The Quran 

I have never felt that more in my heart than in the killing of an innocent girl going exercising and so much more was her life. 

Her death made me feel drawn to fear love anger suffering torment grief anguish loss and destruction 

Two hands did all of this 

Bring nightmare bring numbness bring an emptiness over everyone here

Far and near

Two hands wearing black the blackness over his cells and his heart left beating is unimaginable contradiction 

I think to myself while she left us and left all the things beautiful he also left his life behind on that bank 

That was the last time he rode a bicycle and the last time he will walk or run down that walkway 

That walkway of freedom 

Isn’t that a big price to pay 

As for that woman capturing my feelings my heart I can only pray in my own faith but joint as a woman that she is in heaven that she is happy that she lives in memory in that sun ray and crisp 4pm afternoon wind or even in times of rain in those clean pearls of water or even if it become windy the strong winds of strength or even when it’s hot that she lives in the melting of   Time helping everyone get to terms with this pain 

There are many last times 

Let me tell you about

The pain I felt for a young woman murdered while running

So much pain I could barely breathe

My fingers constantly searching for news

I never knew this girl but my heart feels tremored as if I did

My tears fall thinking about small agonies that make it all the worse

What was she thinking of that last happy

That was last her

What was the last thing she bought

What song was on if there any

Before the devil came along

I feel horrific pain 

As a woman as daughter as a mother as a wife

It doesn’t matter what culture we are from or what colour we are

What matters is the whiteness or blackness in our hearts

Last Wednesday black met white and I was invade with sorrow 

All the way down here so different and so far 

But yet so close in pain 

I pray in my own way

To stop searching for the answer

You have to have

Half woman half man

There is just no other way to conceive

You can find ways to hide find ways to make believe

But that is the truth 

And it’s just funny so so funny

That that’s the way it is 

Photocopies gone similiar into the truth and yet so far

Life is so strange 

But stranger is how people make it to be

How life is so different

So wrong

And yet seen as so right

It’s Interesting how right then becomes wrong

And everything is in double

Like the squint in my daughters eye

How horrible I am to her 

A tree is her tree and no matter what it’s perfect 

But I don’t see it that way

I see she didn’t try but that’s probably a lie

As she did but it was hard for her age and then I got caught with an unmuted unmute 

 It god knows who I am 

This ridicule woman

Trying to think big when I’m so small 

And trying to be nice when I’m really not

Being sad looking at things wrong

But I would help them if they needed help 

But it makes me wonder why both stand taking the role of each other 

What’s my role 

What’s my status 

What are intentions

Am I really who I say I am 

Akeed no