Sunday, March 1, 2009

Kingdom of Giving up


He starts again, And a communication of his inner turmoil cavalries through my own pain of disgust. Breaking the passion of an addiction he tries to stay the same instantly but you can see the change blatantly by the smell – of time breaking his wounds into an everlasting despair and resurrection of need killing his efforts blissfully into a choke of tomorrow’s confusion and yesterdays waste... the present is the disease of fury and a scent of poisoned armoury that charges the room. The battle continues through his life and through mine, all of us trying to escape this jail of madness, fingers unclasping the taste of a wonderful hypnotisation , locks stay twisting the evolution of hate into a melodrama of a self’s catastrophe. I search the clean air for the hidden tornado of his abilities, squint my eyes from the pain that attacks me, my tears blown into the galaxy of his far distanced happiness. A kingdom burnt by his weapon, my life has only quivered with his ashes. Tell me, do you know how it feels? Yes, I whisper, so badly, I do, but my lips desire to never retire as the succulent shadows of our temptations grow profusely into this lifeless tumour of greed – he stands before me, I cry silently, the moments are passing and never coming back, for him and I, going and never stopping, the echo of our failures scream within the depth of their clammy sweat. Hour after hour the exercise of achieving a strong dream fattens, with remorse, the curvatures of beauty flatten, and the heaviness sickens with guilt –
He coughs on smoke, I die from Love
It’s a duo of traditional combinations of lack of freedom and hope for what you can never have.
I regret every second, he cannot figure out why it is so hard
The classical adaptation of ignorance in a blissful tragically manifestated era
He hopes to reach his definition; I hope to become the definition
But right now the only definition... separation, separates our bodies, understandings of thoughts, interpretations of truth, feelings of the heart, eyes of the soul and the wetness of my cheek.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -