Lot to say 1- being grateful

I have alot to say

Like how i miss my old ways 

Like believing in myself and actually liking myself

I miss my old ways

Like being a hard worker

Concentrating

Remembering

Am fearing i cant remember no mor

For my phone holds precedence

My thoughts about what the future could hold holds rock

In my heart until no positive exists

You cant secrete happiness and goodbess

From darkness from mistrust 

From working poor

I hate who ive been lately

So

Traumatic

So autonomic

No reality 

didnt want to see reality no more

Like that time i failed biology 

Literally got an F

But then for summer i studied so hard i knew what needed to be donei studied and i got an A

Yes i remember

Here i remember

Like how Many timesgod has helped me and i dont bother to listenlike how muxh i want something but aint trying hard enough to get there

Like being ungrateful

Yes i have been ungrateful

So first bad emotion am gonna throw away before i even get on that plane is...

Ungratefullness

I will only be grateful for all the good things allah has given me

And all the good days allah has shown me

And all the happy memories allah has provided me

And all the wishful thinking allah has promised me 

And all the health i have and will have

And all the health i need and will get

And all the places i go and most importantly rhe lovely parents i have and more important than that 

The amazing man whos given me his all

The man who i trust more than i trust myself

And more than i could ever wish for

Yes

Truly to the core

I dontknow what i would have been without him

 

Note to self 

I deserve the best

I deserve it all

Allah loves me and has never let me down

But he does test me

Now like the brave woman you are...

Are you up for the challenge?...

Boarding.. Not yet

Here i am 

Back again

Flying

To my dreams 

Feels like never that im around

But the around i am in hasnt worked

Feels crazy that ive done this to myself

Looking at others in a way ive never looked before

Wondering whats wrong with me

Knowing whats wrong with me

And anticipating the best without looking for the best

I have the best and yet i treat it like the worse

I have a kind man

One

No woman could dream of

And i am holding his eyes like a gem

For they glow

He always makes me happy

Always makes me proud

And its time to look pure within myself and save it all....

no flowers this may

the glare from my phone makes my eyes water or is it the sadness from my mistakes
the shine on the laptop in the dark makes me tear or is it the madness on my face
I no longer like anything, i no longer have drive
all i can think about is the pain i have caused
to a good man


I wonder about things gone by
like a man suddenly dying of a heart attack that i sort of knew
I try remember his face and its gone...
but i do remember
I try and think about buses taken to grieve with people losing loved ones
I try and hate on mistakes of others
young old wise unwise
but i never
hate on my own faults

always making for myself excuses
always making for my heart an escape door
and now like the governement
i have a heavy tax to pay
and now like the government
I leave it to others to pay


no contract
no hard work
no money
and no gratitude

i miss my toobs
i miss my house and all the things I want to do in it
like a secret garden
like a red earth wall
with a huge big painting
like shelved with fairies
like a cake sitting on the freezer top
walnut maybe? or coffee

and a size 12


no guilt
no fears
no regrets
and togetherness


I try and imagine the smell of cookies i bake from zahrat alkhaleej or maybe even bread
i try and imagine a smile on my face
i try and imagine what that feeling would feel like



but all i have are tears on my face
and a plane ticket
and sadness as big as my weight ...........



 

dont be like this

its tupid to be sad when theres no need to
look at people who have every reason to be sad and theyre
not
its poor to be sadwhen you have everything to be happy
I know that Allah is trying to help me and teach me a lesson
and i know that i am weak
but being sad only makes me weaker



im stuck in this whirling cycle of imagination and wishing
cant even see i have what i wished for and what i should be happy about
cant even see
cant even feel
cant even try
just being sad all the time


its notright
its not
and i wont be like this
dont want tobe like this

ill never get anywhere like this

Feeling... Like losing and giving up

Beautiful morning come my way

I miss writing About things that come my way 

Things i appreciate and things that i needlike a breath of 

Fresh air or a morning breakthrough

Or a prrayer ontime

Or deep henna on my hands or feet

Or maybe even a zumba class

For i realised sitting locked up on the edge of the planet 

So high from stability and quite close to danger really

I just truly didnt like who i was

And people were starting to notice

For i conducted myself in a vile embarassing manner

Each second losing

A part of me and begging for existence

And now here i am

Begging for existence inside me

Hoping that my variables will not be a limiting fActor

But this month im not going to do anything but look for red

As i kno i dont deserve this beautiful thing to happen to me

And thst my variables are just too big

My body ... Hates me

Its just too much how much damage ive done

Like how noone can make you think what u truly want to think about

My body is not thinking except what its decided

And my heart is broken

But this time

I must start again

Using an iron theme

Using a faithful background

Beliveing

Asking for forgivenes

And losing

Yes losing

And most importantly

Giving up

Dont think

Just do

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iphone_ my confidence

If i lose my confidence

I lose my world

Its my guard my security

My flavour

And my ability

My confidence

Believing i can be who i want

Do what i want 

Say what i want

And actually do all those things

And Not be afraid

Sometimes i come arrogant sometimes showy sometimes proud and those are all things am willing to change but also theyare young compared to the darkness i would encounter if i was aconfident

And yet.... I am aconfident

Feeling like am not myself

So occupied by things i have no control over until i wither

Until the things i do have control over 

Are miserably done

Sent from my iPhone

remedies 1_ true to myself

hi there....

I miss the my world shining and my life singing
I miss that beautful young lighting joy within me from being kind
truly truly being kind
imagine.....
someone dying for a baby and someone dying not to have one

I think about myself and all the things lately that ive been doing
I think about that email and about hes right - she does love me and is kind to me
and is my important person to adore and appreciate for she does fill the house and does have  a place that i need to respect and appreciate

tell me...
how would it feel like to have one
a young liveone
a small life or soul in your arms
i dont know
ive never written about it as i have love or other  things
maybe im too embarrassed to say i want something so much
i cant imagin what i would do
how i would look at it
and how i would hold them
and what they would be wearing
and how it would feel like


everything

i think about it very hard and closely and i think
will it come ?
as i have begged for other things in the past


really do i have a problem
or is my only problem that i havve a black heart
i do
have a black heart
and maybe changing that will help things

i wonder about my pains
and my miseries
my tongue and
my insanities
my true ones and my really true ones
maybe i shouldnt have spoken
do I feel better?
i dont know
or do I just have more thoughts to think about
like what is he thinking

I dont want to be like this
i dont want to be unhappy when i should be happy
sad when i should be ecstatic
cold when i should be warm
mean when i should be kind
lying to myself when i should be honest
weak when i should be brave


no
i want to be openly brave honest kind warm and ecstatic
for i deseerve to be all those things and i deserve to spend my expensive time on those and not being obsessive jealous mean cold unhappy and bitter
and worse
selfish
and worse
a complete lying to myself
for i should know and realise that that is the worse and yet easiest thing i can do to myself
and it is  the hardest but best treatment i can offer myself


to be true to myself