Change the whole of me 4

Good morning Allah
here I am to pray on  a friday so I may
cherish in you r sweet existence and transform in to the queen i really would like to be
I ask for time for time is precious
I understand its expensive and I realy cannot afford
but I pray for your kindly reward
of more time
I ask for peace
within my heart and mind and soul
no reigning battles or battles conquered
just agreements and signed mutual contracts
strong pacts that all three agree - the fight is against
the devil not
themselves
Good morning allah
I pray on the second friday after Ramadan
you give me change . the whole of me
and you  only let me distance from Ramadan through time
only to get nearer to next ramadan
not through forgeting
not through sinning
not through living a life not worth living

i miss my country and the perfect smells or even the wrong ones
i miss the waft of early morning and that queit attitude of the mid afternoon snoozing or independant TV watching while everyone else is alseep unless the house is filed with relatives so you relatively hear amplitudes of giggles and chatting about everyone else -
Ya Rab take me back home
but not when I am not ready
 Iask you let that be the right time
for I want to change the whole of me first 

Soldier thought 1

I'm trying to play chess
i am rubbish but I hope to improve

but thinking about it
I have learned an awful lot from the game as a metaphor for life so new idea for a string of thoughts and words plays in my mind each one will be called whatever the piece in the picture is

Soldier/Pawn thought

dont underestimate the simplicity of someone or something - you may be damaged or threatened by even the most innocent types of people and they may loom over you , you not knowing which way to turn, always start a day, a moment, a conversation, a relationship with a clear mind but try to keep safe from even those who may seem innocent  - do not trust all for you do not know their next moves, do not say all you feel or your most beautiful or darkest secret for you do not know how they will use that for them or against you , do not assume they want the best for you for indeed theyre motive may be something else completely

now let me turn that around

there are soldiers out there who would fight for you, lay their lives for you, want not just the best for you but simply want you, your eyes, mind, body, heart and soul to be safe, they fear for you more than themselves and they want to be with you all the time but if protecting you is waht it takes then its what it takes. there are soldiers taht want to love you forever and betrayal is not in their game for they fear god andthey fight for inner peace and a golden heart is whats inside them there are soldiers you should love forever, respect and cherish for they are men of bravery, courage and love , they are the most important part of your life and you love them because they deserve it but also because you need to love someone so faithful so strong, and sound like a good soldier , a good man, a good father, a good husband.

so there are soldiers..... and their are soldiers......
                                  

change the whole of me 3

Change the whole of me for I want to taste life
and i want to have cystals of sugar in my fantasies
and I want to smell cookies in the oven of a hot afternoon
or the bubbling lasagne of romance
I want to feel the hot cardemon tea on my lips
over merging night
and i want to indulge int he delicacy of melting chocolate in a secret place
 change the whole me Ya RAb, I want every cell of me to never forget
or regret
anything
I want the whole of me
to become
happier stronger better cleaner
Change the whole of me
I want to grill my sadness away
then only the cool yogurt icecream will be left
somewhere between the 3am blissful darkness of  khartoum fairytale and the faint bliush tinge of a heavy refrigerator
will be me
Change the whole of me Ya Rab
change the whole of me Ya Rab
for I want cake but I want it with crazy tastes
and a glistening spoon
not ugly with a plastic fork
I love cake
Ya Rab
I love cake
change the whole of me like good cake
Ya Rab

Unless you pray,...

when they see you next time they go ...silent or was it wow or a gasp
yes it was

a gasp

911 call the police
yes what is your emergency?
my dreams have been stolen
when
for about as long as i can remember
do you have any suscpicions
yes the devil
 yes maam we think he's stolen a lot of other people's dreams  too we know he can be very dangerous and cunning
have you left the windows and doors of your soul open?
I tried to close them but clearly not tight enough
yes he can get through your smallest weakness and split
well i'm sorry we cant do anything to get back yor old dreams
once he's taken them theyre gone for he uses them to replenish his own strength so he can attack again
What?
so how am i supposed to live now?
I dont know maam
I guess youll have to build new ones
but i want my old ones back
cant you search for him, put out a warrant search or soemthing ? maybe he hasnt consumed mine yet, maybe theyre still in his pocket and thus I can get them back, please help me, I must have them back they were the most beautiful dreams, filled with light and hope and an image in my mind i never wanted to get rid of or forget, they were dreasm of gold and diamonds and they were hard but they were worth it,  I want them back , I want them back NOW!
we'll try maam but the chances are slim unless...
unless what?

unless you pray

pray very hard, and when you think youve prayed hard , pray harder, because youre only hope of retrieving them is an angel fighting for you and winning them back, an angel is the only thing that can get them back for u their light blinds the devil and their speeed is a million to one compared to him, if you can pray so hard , maybe an angel will be sent down for you to get them back but remember they only help those who they think really will care about their dreams once theyre back- they wont do it just because youre sad or unhappy , theyll only do it if you work hard enough if you really love your dreams - if you really are made for them

ask the hard questions...but do you know the answer?

I cant sleep
its been a week since eed
really?
I am back to before ramadan>
is that it?
all that i can expect?
my cries
my dreams
my hopes
my aims
my goals
my strengths
my prayers
that they they dissipate like that
was i really that fake?
am i really that bad/
is there something so bad within me it really cannot hold
all that i want to be ?
i ask myself
am i really that weak
that lost
that tempted>?
must i have to endure all this sorrow
for another year
? or more
until when
will i live the same life
over and over just with different dates

really?
is it really?
can it really have just all been thrown out?

I dream of never giving up the fight for myself

I dream about knowing things that others dont know
I dreams about loving someone that is a good man from the bottom of his heart
I dream about being good at making cakes - and cooking in general like magic wand stuff
I dream about transferring joy to all that i may meet , saying good things about people only
I dream about being true to myself before anybody else
I dream of the way I never fall or fail to be a good muslim
I dream of being miles ahead fast , for time is precious
I dream of time being precious and expensive but that I can afford it
I dream of trying to do the right thing, even if its hard

to be continued

I lived , I loved for faith, for success, for health, and for myself

It's here the first trauma
you feel like your hanging on by dear life
and like a chess board
you always lose
do you want to be cornered in life like that ?
learn from your pain
do you want the devils to corner you like that?
move here
lets get her throught taht
plan this
lets ruin herplan by doing this
are you moving in life simply to protect yyourself or get out of situations or
are you the one moving the game?
if you want something ?
do you get it>?
its been just over a week since ramadan
the more days pass the harder it will get
i know that
but the stronger you should become
dont forget your dreams and dont forget your strengths
your aspirations
youre a lucky woman
you really are
dont abuse that
dont thrwo that away
thats what youre doing
god
look at how many resources
you have
choices you have
sunshines you have
happinness you have
dont throw that away
in fact
flower it
cherish it
so one day inthe future you say
when i was here i lived i loved
dont forget your role model

 

The secret aya to simple happinness and mind health

remember the origin and the future will fall in place - A clean apple tree

Remember the origin 

just dont forget

otherwise you will exhaust

and regret, a simple bittersweet t aste poisining it all

Remember the origin just

dont underestimate

your weakness and his strength

thats the witch's trade for a bite of your dreams 

remember the origin and you will relax

go back to quran so you do not crash

remember the origin

strong holding love

and you will continue always and simple

with the one above

Rememebr the origin 

and everything will have meaning

and reasoning you dont have to anull 

your thoughts or your mind

it all fall into place 

you find

remember the origin 

a young apple tree

healthy and 

free

with light green

reflections - a test for mankind

but we are able to eat it

without it melting our coverings 

and showing our mistakes

Remember our origin 

imagine if it did so 

show the whole world the truth about our real flow

after a bite of an apple 

the person we love

hears about our unfavourable history

or our children

see our miserys of the past

remember the origin 

and escape into the future

it is clean 

and merciful

and certainly should be cleaner

remember the origin

there are  second chances

but not like this one 

the firt time attached to the centre of the earth

the strenghth of your rope with God right now

so Hold on : and  think of the first time you really fell in love

or the first time you kissed someone you really wanted

or the first time somebody you were madlly in love with asked you to marry them 

the first time you were a wife

or the first time you had  a daughter and became a mother

do you not want to be ? upgraded to a whole new level?
 
 
 

 

a candle for inspiration and that 2.49pm hunger pains

DO not think of Ramadan as dead or gone - it was just 6 days ago at 2.49 where you were a perservering woman an amazing woman a loved woman and you loved back you cried and you fought and you won ,.
you must light it in your heart every day so yuo dont forget
 the times when youwere fasting and wished you had the chance you could eat or drink but didnt becasue you really wanted to give something good to GOD and the time when then you thought
when i finish ramadan i will live happy i will cherish every bit of food i eat and i will be a pretty girl a smart one too and ceratinly one in true love not a part of a million other stories. remember hope and inspiration will come back - when you said i will never waste time again and i will always read quran, i will wait and i will love but i will also hate wrong and sin. remember your strength, remember that woman is still here, anything else is a devils entrance - so why ahve you let them in?
2.49pm hunger pain and you can eat now - how wonderful a simple joy but really it is worth gold health mercy happinness safe love
you do have love you just cannot see it

not yet

I am not in

it is not in movies, or books, it is not in other peoples stories or kisses, it is only in the my chapter still unopened, it is only in the time coming and not in the time gone , it is framed already and just waiting to be seen, it is loved by me even though i do not see it, but i am always so close to throwing away the glass and shattering it.... why? where is that good feeling gone? where is that strong inspiration run? where is that power and massive attempts ? where am i? and when will i come back? to fit my picture and my true strength

the morning after....

THe morning after .... I want to smile I want to study my life and my heart away from sin

the morning after I want to stop dreaming of an afterloss when the future has the win

the morning after I want to wake and watch vitamins and good morning and watch my soul break free

the morning after i want to remmebr all the good things ive done and all the bad things i promised myself id stop, think about it if you wernt accepted then you would go back to the past, for the door to the future woulf be closed, but that cannot be becasue i tried and i realyl want this - the good life. so the morning after i will not slip and i will not fail, i will not fall and i will not call anyone but god to help me for his number wil always be reached, for i need his help, i need his love and i need to be dedicated to loving him back, for the morning after i miss the goodness he gives me, its there i just cannot see it  becasue the devil has gotten back to work,and they ask for each others help and they have built a wall, or a powerful curtain in front of me, t hat reflects all the dreams i want and all the love i have asked for, so automatically i look at it , i want it, but its not their dream, its mine, and its not them that can give it to me, its my one and only god, the morning after the sun shines , the blessings are back but my mind, my mind is still.... groggy, shaken, like its gotten in an accident and still not fully healed, but it takes times to recover, its a fight for your life and not a fight to give it up, you want to get out of hospital and you want to live yor beautiful life of simple things like, walking in streets,  buying milk, and watching boring TV,

or walking amongst beautiful flowers that probably pray to god to look bright with their love for him and smell young so that others will know how much they care

Need, ...is the wrong answer

Need

is a powerful word

I'm beginning to want it

for in a way

it heals and glitters  a breaking heart with soothing relief from that one person that makes you feel right

IMAGINE THIS :

 

he would cross nights a thousand because he needs you, becasue he is asking himself - why cannot i stop thinking about her , and without realisation he cycles drives or walks to you without you even knowing

without you even having to try and when you see him you can see his body yearning for you and you can feel his heart healing for  you arehis remedy and you can see it in his eyes that he wants your ehlp your advice or just your comfort and he will take anything you give him for he needs you - it may be more powerful than love - or is in sync - or is it harmonised and encoded in secret that you cannot love someone deeply without needing them even more deeply - you must need them you must have it - all they can give you - need is a beautiful word , the sister of beautiful despair and thebrother of troublesome admiration - I need you - and here I am - all for you to accept me - and my weakkness that needs your attention - even if i haveotehrs , it is you i am dying for , it is you I am without thought bleeding for , it is your warmth and presence I need - for just looking at you makes it alright and just knowing you know what i know makes me feel safe and just seeing my story through your eyes makes me understand and just being with you - my problems dissolve like fallen sand - and I am no longer rough or broken - I need you so much - maybe more than the air i breathe without the cliche for without you I am choking -

END

Need is a powerful word

one to consume one to metamorph into my desires like a wicked drug - one to reason with my dreams and attach like a virus to the attention it demands

one that i yearn for and pray for  but may make a mistake for

which i do not want to do

one i want to be simple for innocent for right for perfect ofr never traumatised for never injured 

just to have

need is the correct word

but it is the wrong answer

looming, hovering like a magnet over my heart =- the beats get wider, larger faster deeper - i am sucked into a dream - i am 

sucked in to the lights, the dress, my hair, the perfume i may wear, his eyes, the front door, the sound of his car engine, the impatience of my young heart, the pain i have right now , the one i am trying to control 

like a tsunami of need

but this is NOT the right answer to the question

this is a trick question

the answer is 

patience

at the bottom of my heart, lays another heart only for the right one

at the bottom of my heart there is an area unreached , unopened, unbruised by life and untouched
 with me always it shudders at my insanity to open it , and is superly strong against all my tries
it has a powerful mechanism to reject me and all else that is wrong
for no one can open it
but the right one
it will not budge for anything or anyone else
and I am proud of it and forever eternally grateful


this is a movie i must watch without forwarding
or rewinding
and it is a movie i intend to love
for i know at the end it will be perfect

I cant wait to see whats inside
for even i dont know
what that part of me contains
what it looks like
and what feelings it holds

so to be continued inshallah

If you feel like giving up....just see these

I ask for time , I ask for healthm mind and body and i ask in wealth of memory, Ya Rab i ask to chabge deep through every lining and cell of my body and I ask to improve my images and the images i collect - of life and time - i ask to be quick in answering to you and to other examinations - I ask to be light yet grand - have nice shoes an skin with a fragranced heart . Ya Rab I ask for good eyesight so that i can see past the traps the devil has set up for me and I ask for better judgement. Ya Rab I ask you accept me and take myworries before they choke me and make me a wiser woman this time 

I stare at the rippling waters and imagine the sounds - at the tips of the earth the man forgets nature and turns to the creator of nature - amidst the flowery sunset and the used sand - the waiting boat and the rising night he does not care about anything else but making his beautiful faith - of the upmost irresistable beauty - to give to GOd as a present - I ask myself what have i turned my back to that just looks so beautiful that i felt i could not r esist and turned to God and my faith instead >?

I've had a bad day, a hard day, a long day , I feel utterly weak and i just want to scream , but then i see this mans sanity grace collect in the deepenss of his heart somewhere where im sure does not fit him but he has found himself in - and yet he is more at home in this strange land than anybody else - i think to myself if he can unite himself and humble himself in this foreign situation - so can I

I am close to giving up and then I see this - men praying in guantanamo bay - to GOd the only one with complete freedom - none of us have freedom without him and I escape into their pains and forget my own

Change the whole of me 2

A woman of dreams, glowing around a saphire heart, wishing upon a star in a sky for God to see and hear I dream my faith never dissappears, I ask to be like a golden ring or a ruby stone deep and red and attractively bright with youth , with strength with confidence with time with good faith not the kind that gets tarnished no I want to be like gold and ruby forever my colour lingers. I do not want negativities I want to be aligned like the time is with the day or the years are with the months or the sun is with the day, I look at a new me that needs attention blissful recreation and adjusting to fit easily with the right thing, for I realise I have been squashing myself in and even cutting the right thing to make it fit...and then pretending it was ok. Look at the way the dress fals perfectly I see lanterns though and smell  fragrances of sweet alien in a house full of fresh roses and pink and white dellicatessen or maybe ...talcon powder and egyptian sweets, the sugar glistening in a warm kitchen left still in time as life ponders elsewhere in happinness and dreams coming true . energetic yet soft, calming yet exciting, healthy and healthy. Change the whole of me forwards, like a floating galaxy travelling distances to a new astronomical decision that is to change the fate of matters and love, forever.

good morning

Good morning to life
the dawn still black and the angels still around
I can feel a sense of peace and earth accumalate but humiliation and fear depth that I am
onyl a human being
with faults and sins
minor and major
but all inshallah with gods mercy can be forgiven
i want to be better
smarter
successful
proud of myself
i want to be demanding of myself but not on others
i want to think before i speak
i want to project wealth of soul
i want
to
be
really a hopeful ray
of a faithful woman
who benefitted from ramadan
unlike any other year
unlike any other time
for its like a new buisiness has opened
and it must be magaged with patience for finance ( success) to come

change the whole of me 1

Day 31 /1

for hte last month we look at minutes with exact detail
they mean so much
for they mean opening joy and closing allowances

and now its 00.00
the first minute of eed
I think to myself
small details should give me joy
for I am here youthful and proud strong and healthy and clever enough to know how kind god has been to me

I pray that all my windows and doors are closed from the devil
i pray my soul is mine and mine alone
I pray i am the most obedient servant
for it is he that i should be racing to make proud

god has given me and other muslim girls an occupation
to free islam and live it with all its beauty and indentations in life
but to never forget the hidden secrets of the unseen but foretold
heaven and purity and scents and strange things and dark green
like a love story
or the most secret of you
the most centre or most deepest part of your heart
that you decide to never give to anybody but god
fajr
i have decitated myself to for the last 30 days
 they say it takes 30 days to change a habit
but  i say fajr is my breath of the day that if i leave un inhaled shatters my lungs and freezes my heart
for fajr warms the morning
and cools the night breeze of darkened light
and brings you closer to god and your dreams

I pray
i ask
I know I will be answered
for I pray to the one who is kind and merciful
and I ask the one that is shy to return his servants empty
and I know i will be answered

Ya Rab, change the whole of me

Day 29_ The final possibility

like a journey that has to finish or a traveller that has to go
even though you really dont want themto
you remember that it was hard to serve them or change your time to them
but then you remmeber how much fun you had and good time you spent
how attached you became like they were a part of you

Ramadan the traveller i dont want to go

I ask myself
what did I learn
 strength
perserverance
determination
love for god
loving to ask him
asking him
 begging him
determined for a reply
praying
loving to pray
tasbeeh
waiting to count
harship
joy on eating
taking food for importance
its taste
the feeling of fullness
making time for it at night
cooking it
last month i respected food
none of just anything
anywhere
none of just everything somewhere
what else did I learn
staying up
sleeping less at night
reading quran
the beautfiul quran
the beautiful beautiful quran
things i learnt
highlighted
read again
cried over
feared over
joyed over
hoped for
wished never to go to through
prayed to never forget
and wished i could have


Ramadan
the peaceful warrior
the courageous lover
the perfect example of a distinct beauty
and closer relation to al thhat is right

now I ask myself
what is the next step when tomoro
it will take its bags with my prayers and dreams and go see what it can do about it?

Day 27 _ defence plan

Indian movies.... Turkish series... american advertisements... its all sounds familiar
the sounds the words the voices the eyes the everything i have been away from
voluntarily its all coming back to me like a butterfly coming out of from a caterpillar

it stikes me deep within my heart
my protection is nearly over
the blessedm onth of ramadan
its wings like a freedom forever
has to go
wants to go?
what a hard beauitful month
but i think its only hard becasue of our weakness
and its only beautiful becaue of all the fallen angels
__________
i do not want tobe jolted into reality
for even though life has flavour and interest that ramadan lets you see, that ramadan makes you yearn
i do not want to leave this blssed feature
of time
suspended maongst fallen angels
i want to cry
i want to live peacefufully with a clean heart
and a forgiven soul
i want to love and live through my faith like a transparent paper i feel
all my thoughts and emotions god knows but this time they are clean
and happy

i hink to myself
devils are locked up for the last month
somewhere in hell they are not burnt
but they plan to burn
they plot meetings of yearly destruction
and each devil presents theyre successes and flaws, throghout the last year
they advice and they agree and they plan to be tough ths year

first things is first - their head shouts
you have to get your human to flaw and sin as fast as possible for the fastest they sin
the easier it is to break them
they forget ramadan
and god and beautfiul faith then
and they lose we win
and the rest of the year is easy
you have to break their work

what ever sin they love
make them remember it
whatever flaw they have
flourish it
whatver problem they have
make them lose hope in god
whatver time they have
let htem lose it
whatever joy they have
let them spend it
whatver sadness they show
let them save it
whatever worry they have
do not let them forget it


they write
they plot
over boiling fire snack and fish bones

____________
i miss ramadan already and it hasnt finished
i feel like a massivee security guard tat was going everwhere with me and looking out for me
has gone

bu then i remember gods mercy
his words
his chances and his help
he is here for me
and i am here to become a new woman
a new faithful woman
who believes

I see myself strong this year
this will be reflected in all i write
no more depressing poems or heartbreaking words

new ideas
new hope

 new me
for ramadan this year has been special
has been tremendously welcoming to me
so i will be welcoming to it
has been wonderfully kind to me
for ramadan has saved me
enjoyed with me nights of angels close by
and i dream to be near those feelings all year round
i dream to be close to my heart and not give it away
only to who deserves it
i dream to be friendly with my soul
yet strict
i dream to be a courageous sound woman
they say god can forgive but not  fully erase your page of mistakes
or he can forgive and fully make you a new clean person
i tihnk thed ifference between themis how hd yo are willing to work to be forgiven
to not sin
and to not make that page get dirty
he cant give you all kindness if you are not willing to do the same
he cant give you all his honest love if you are not willing to do the same
you must be willing to show upmost respect
upmost dedication
and upmomst fear

Ya Rab
before turkish series come and indian movies and american advertisements
before life reappears that i am grateful for and impatient to live
i ask you beg you
that you frgive me
that ayou clean my hear t from all sin
and that you scrub the delvings of my soul
i ask your beautiful mercy to always come with me
wherever i go
and wherever i stay
i ask your love
your answerings to my prayers
and i ask your kindness
i ask you let me live a life of honesty sympathy and bravery in all i do
and i ask you help me become strong and powerful in all i do
i do not want t o take life for granted
even the litle things
like eating breakfaast

or watching a turksih series, an indian movie or an american advertisement
ya Rab change the world arounfd me
but do not change me
except for a more dedicated hope and level of beauty 

Day 26

Hope
I have hope
i hold power and beauty
I see me
in the future
close to life to god
to faith to love to beauty
to strength
to faith eman
new dreams spill from me like waves
pwoerful ones
anchor me to the groun i walk on but change my lanes
I see blue cotton dresses amongst black
i see hands holding each other
I see twins of ..magic

I see a lot
i see dream coming true
but you must believe
and keep praying
i see
a new me
a kind me
happy me
strong me
determined me
examined and successful me
I see white
and satin
and i smell it all

I want to changle all of me
like a metamophis into a new life
or era
or planet
the place of a beautfiul woman
the truth and the forgiven
the s trong and the faith ful me

I want to see the new me come aliv
for this ramadan
i asked to be changed
to be forgiven
to start again
to love new
to love fresh
like a new test
liek a new candle
for ever lightened
like a new day
forever here to stay
even though day will come and go
every 24 hours
but i want a line of me to run trhough them with identity
spiritulaity
hope
and heaven on earth
with harships

i want to bloom
i want to scent hope
i want to shine my beautiful heart
i want to demand devils to run
i wnat to invite angels to stay
in my new home
and my new imag es and
my new dreams
 thave are goin to come true
and are going to come alive
and are going to make me becom
everything
i wanted to be
never imagined i could be
but do want to become
and will begin to believe and create forever

YA rAb
i am here with you
this ramadan i am here with you

Day 24

is it that no matter how dark i get always always god helps me to find the light?
the fireworks and the time to see them
or is it that i am just being so awful that god wants me to see how much i am missing

for if i was listening to songs for just 2 or 3 more minutes
i would have missed it
but now that i saw it i feel like a huge hole in my heart is still emprty
and my ears hurt
and my mind is bland
for i am not in the right place
even though it is right here
but its like
my train is not stopping in this station
when will itstop?
when it is too late

this year
this year
its ben bad
and then worse
in the last 10 days!
I FEEL sick from laziness
and confliction
and madness
and strangelies
and strange dreams
and stranger
contradicitons
i am neither here nor there
neither here nor there
neither here nor there
but lets imagine tonight is laylat alqadr
what would you do ?

horrible view

here i am
imagining satin dresses that fall  innocently and linger perfected with a scent of perfume and desire
dark yet light
sexy yet soft
hypnotising
 magical
perfect

the right way curls transform grace to the outside scene

i dont need to hold them
i dont need to think about them
they know what to do
look beautiful

finger nails just long enough to show white, snow symmetrical ,silent and smooth
they are the guards of my elegance
short to look natural sweet to look proffessional

here I am in the other dream i can smell roses fresh from a story of love
their petals still with daze from the night before
he sillhoute fromthe moon touches their face and they become a part of the night cascade of beauty
roses
red
whie
i cant decide but they fragrance my life with joy

yeah, one simple image sets me into a parallel pain and happinness
into a heartache and a fixation to love

for I dream of love obsessively and simply
I dream it to be simple and strong
but i am not the warrior for the job
for my faults are too many
to give energy to all the drawing in my mind to be drawn

the complexes are too itchy
too painful
too far

to be continued 

Day unknown

Everytime I do something good or IM on the right track
my head
my head loses happinness it falls from me like raindrops
and im back to square 1
i always ask myself why?
and the answer is to stay low and underdeveloped becasue i know
that i am magnificent
if i am set free
so i should never be set free
just pretend you lvoe god kida nd kida and do seomthing good maybe a bit more in ramadan yeah
well leav eyou
but thats about it
if you think well let yo go
think agian

its a shame you knw
that life is one chance
and each second that goes will never come back
for if u had a second chance you would not live like this

I am asking you
to love and live
and be happy and smart
and strong

and you are asking me to be
weak and tired and unhappy and withheld and broken

where do you want to go

Day 16

the rays have not hit my eyes
the sun has not warmed my heart
the early dew has not cleaned me
the birds have not chirped me into a new day

I am always lagging behind
when i whould be sprinting in front

I am always in a virus dreams
when i should be in a heathly dream of bravery

I dream bravery
but its false
I dream goodness
but its a mirror reflection of a hidden moment

the ayas are clear
the more you read
in depth
the more its just simple
and clear

too clear

here I am
halfway
and 1
scary how time flies
through galaxies


I wonder are there other world s
probably
are they better than us
stronger
wiser
healthier
happier
becasue they understood islam the otherway

di i understand islam this way?
that its the faith of the future
the truth
and honesty
that its the faith of educaation
science
and women and men equal
that its the faith of cleanliness
far far from madness
and destruction
and poverty
that its smart
wise and  strong

do i live it that way?
just me if i just took me
do I live any of it that way?
 

early waking

Like a soul has broken from its tiredness and been SENT to live
i am happy to be awake early
amidst the birds and morning dew
i love the peaceof a 5.55 window
the cool deepning my faith even more
i am alive with existence
 so far away from darkness
even though its faint whispers still linger in the background from....the past
isnt it/

c how fast the dark can go away
just like day
comes
and grows
and your heart takes a new episode of life

Ya Rab give me life that has meaning
and give me love
Ya Rab give me love
this year any year
start me on this trip of joy and hardship

for I understanfd it will be importatn to be patient
and it will be hard
but it will also be worthwhile
in bringing if just some of my dreams to the outside world
YA Rab
I as kyou this year to help me fulfill my dreams
Ya RAB

I did it! the first example of the bigger picture the better woman

AUGUST - the month of everything
something happened to me that angered me
I felt ridiculed and small
I felt being checked on
I felt like i wasnt believed
like someone thought I was telling a lie
I felt dissapointed in them
I felt like I could have told them all that

But i didnt
I became the better woman
and i saw the bigger picture
I  let it pass
I let my feelings of anger pass
I let the betterme win

one might think
you didnt fight
i did
i fought my soul that has always fought to stop and think
for once
for once
I didnt latch onto the primitive emotion
I caught the next one instead - the emotion of self control
and it was cleaner emptier and calmer

I like the feeling i got
i want to feel that again
not the other feelings
not at all

_____________