Monday, February 6, 2012

Ya RAb dont leave me alone

Ya Rab you helped me today
please help me everyday
please dont leave me alone
even if i forget you
or deny you the beauty of faith
please do not deny me the beauty of your help

Ya Rab save me from all my sins
help me to fight
help me to forget
help me to.....change
help me to listen
to myself first
to the Quran.....
wow I miss the Quran
I miss sitting on a 5 am darkness in the morning of a new existence and dawn
soul freshly woken and tested to survive...right

Ya Rab i have broken a very important connection
why do i care about certain things
and forget other things
why do I want certain thing and forget that i want other things


I want other things
good things
sweet things
happy things
beautiful things
I want to pass life
the test that you give me


Y a R A b help me
dont leave alone
Ya RAb
help me
Ya R a B

Why do I want certain things
and not want other things


I am arrogant and demanding and not actually clever and it scares
me
If  i was clever I would wake up for you
i would hcange ...fryou
not for them
if iwas clever i would make you my centre
and not facebook
if i was clever my whole llife would change and i would be doing very well in all parts of my life

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -