Tuesday, June 9, 2009

NOT LIKE THIS

I am not awakened in the morning by the sound of beauty and birds praying while the trees sway to a hum from the wind blowing magically and freely willingly thanking god for the trust and relaxation in nature that is just pure magic –
I am asleep when the sky sings with colours and the sun rises with its rays kneeling to begin a new day created to shine its working effortlessly but strongly to fulfil the light
I still don’t wake up when subconsciously my inner self screams out loud tearing the insides for me to notice, for me to understand how much I'm damaging myself and itself with what I’m doing
Falling to the ground its hates the way I am ‘relax’ unconscious and negligent
I am nowhere near the truth near the beauty near the destiny and near the energy that is wasted only by trying to make me see
Deep down my inner self is heartbroken at the jail I have put her in – this isn’t she what she was created to achieve was to pass mountains of work and years of hard success – she was supposed to be spending her time creating and imagining not breaking from the pain of seeing herself chained with confusion and sin
As I sleep without guilt her guilt tackles her to despair – her light begins to fade and her super powers begin to disappear
After all if you don’t use it you lose it
I turn around in my bed and notice that the sun has come out – suddenly – me and her mingle as my disappointment pours into my mind that I lost the battle once again
And she looks at me and her tears assemble her face
You have lost the battle once again
My eyes concentrate on the alarm clock – 9.35 but Morning Prayer should have been 6.00 am
When there was a wisp of angels in the air and a hint of heaven to repair all the open wounds in my soul –
Now they are left open to continue to hurt
She looks into my eyes and hates what I’ve done how I’ve damaged her like this how I’ve changed how everything should be - NOT LIKE THIS - I AM NOT LIKE THIS -

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -