Undisposable dreams 5 is the Question

 I  have an undisposable question, One that I will never throw away, One that I will never forget, it aches me to think about it for it is so beautiful, it is so rich, its got so many minerals I am saturated with density, with nourishment just breathing the surface -


He would genuinely love a woman with all his heart and soul?
Sacrifice his life for her?
He lives to just make her happy and her the same, to love her, support her, fulfil her and her the same.

 

 “I do not want a light relationship. I want an intense relationship. One that is at the core of my life, shapes the person that I am, and makes me whole.”

He says.

 

 

He's ready to love back more

 Devote his life  twicefold

 

 Will he love her for the sake of God, the truest, purest form of love that will last forever?

En Route to.....Found

Through the crevices of my day
I fall through the darkness of my dreams
My twisted genes recover madness within me
The increments of my mistakes cover all goodness inside me
A meeting of broken cries
A tone of unspoken defects diagnose my remedies
Every time I try to repair
I wear my heart away
I tear my words astray
I argue with my soul until it runs away
To be thrown back before the mess
Before the start
Before the goals
- to a devils dream
- the partnership of crime
- the source of betrayal

I worship my flaws although I hate their meanings
A primitive mind trying to advance through pain and suffering
Finding the technology of determination a great deal to handle
And so turns back to igloo frozen memories and straw hut chances
The question wriggles in my head – why have I become like this?
Unbalancing my earth and tumbling my washed conscience to dirt
Black particles of quintessential lies – make me
And I flood my soul with cries
That I was once found but now lost
Lost far away in the space of my fantasies
In the wrongs of my convicted admirations
It’s like I want to go to a Mafia paradise
So I can be gunned down from a window of my unrestrained shadow
Because I thought I as safe
When I was only in raw born danger
Stolen in time broken through the middle of my forever
I can't watch myself anymore - a film of tragedy
Hollywood freedom imprisoned behind famous guilt
Trust falters like a mischievous child under a parents stare
Crying the night after being punished
Waking with swollen eyes but at least a clean heart
Unlike my filthy heart – beating to a rhythm dirty of weakness
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know what to do to make things right
I’m stuck on an elevator only able to plummet down
Down into the pits of my tears
The factory of my wasting years
Once I was fine and found
Now I’m lost without control
I’m lost without a goal
I’m lost to the great fall – of never finding myself at all.

A try of hope

I’m sorry god for all the pain, when I take your name in vain
When I take for granted the kindness that you’ve given me
I feel so ashamed that I couldn’t be
Someone you could ever be proud of –

Feeling that you are angry shatters me to the core
I break within me knowing I should be more
A believer, a giver before a taker, a patient dreamer
Someone who isn’t a cheater – to the expedition of Islam

You give me all the right signs, but I insist to take the road misleading
Like a fool walking
Not knowing now where is the true way
Desiring I could find it and stay

Letting your sunrise prayers begin me
Your afternoon prayers consist me
Your late afternoons continue me
Your sunset prayer cleaning me
And your night prayer fulfilling me

Your words are the gold expensive material for the heart
Like diamonds where I cannot part, with their crisp wake to my imagination
As each letter was sent to beautify and complete this world
Encircling one promise forever told

Beads turning with the fingertips of my love
I wish that they could be strong enough to reach the one above
I beg within me they collect to design me into a girl with a dress of forgiveness
Subhan Allah, Alhamdulillah (thank you), Allahu Akbar (God, the greatest)
Please God don’t give me a face of blackness

I’m sorry for all I do wrong
I’m sorry for the bad memories I’ve hung
For all the days I wasn’t pure enough to be a Muslim
Radiating your energy into falseness so dim

Sometimes I wish I could change back time
And believe in the rhyme
‘God is watching.
Act like you know’
All my actions are like a show
And you are the honest grader – seeing how I flow

I wish I could impress you and make you be proud of me
But my film is losing as you see
As I lose my identity – to me
As I gain nothing but misery

And then I pause as floods of your hope expose me
To remembering that you are the nearest to me
And you are the forgiver so I can be – a new chance to save me
Clean again for you to see
And if I ask for your help, Inshallah you will give it to me

Echoes in my mind_ (scattered past)

Broken petals in my hand

Their beauty wilted under my command

Torn between Life and death

It was a beautiful one, once filled with health

Shining natural wealth

Blending into horizons of its soul

Joining the fantasies of the wind and the call

Taking out its colour to show the world

Suddenly its energy flickered and curled

Smiles drained so easily as it saw all the tragedy

Veins ran out of flower flesh rising to

emptying kindly the serenity of its bloom

reducing into a sudden zoom of bleeding memories and a metaphor

Of things I used to be

Like a sun in the night

Health after death

Dreaming of a reality

Softness in the storm

Compilations I do not understand

and old story always new

I need to fill in the blanks
So I can cross the planks
I forget what I wanted and how much I needed it
I'm back to square minus 1
even though I need to get to circle 30

Lying somewhere in the galaxy
It's such a long journey
Of motivation to proceeed through the pain
And something pulls me back
My demons that I pack

To take with me in my heavy luggage
I forget my dreams, my romance, my desires
Filled with aspirations and spirals
Here love never retires
But here tears inspire ... me to continue

Lacerations of a family so wounded
I imagine better days not scorned
Stronger days not torn
Pieces that come together and stick forever

I imagine a family with happier perfusions
Not this torn infusion
Of a sentimental lie
What is it that I want,
How is it that I achieve

I need to excersise my emotions like a muscle
Train them to be thinner
Make them feed less on reality and fantasy
Let them do sit ups to firm up so everything feels beautiful and light

I need to train myself to change, to re- arrange
The corners of my time to make circles
The roads must meet yet trains of thought must never collide
Because I need to reach my destination
Ride through all the deprivations
Roll through smooth imaginations

I must remember my promises so I dont turn into someone that I lied to
I must keep them flash in the dark and have a fire in them so they spark
To show me the way - How I pray
I must remember my promises - otherwise I will dissappear into a lie
I will be written with invisible dye
That no-one will memorise

I will forget who I am -
I will rain on my shadows till I become one dimensional
I will hurt myself and not save myself
I need to be infatuated with my soul
I need to be in Love with my heart
I need to be connected with my eyes
I need to be determined to survive
I need to keep my promises alive

Undisposable dreams 3

..... I hope that I find him, and if I do that he loves for who I am... I would love to love him, his brown eyes would hypnotise me and I would tell and show him everyday the vast quantity of my love
......This is a poem or something but I am in a very in love mood. The problem is when I am like this, I cannot concentrate on anything else, no matter how hard I try,
....... I wish I find him soon.
Let him be sensual and exotic, romantic and hypnotic, Safe and Muslim, perfect Muslim in this hard world, let him love me, my senses, feelings, words and emotions, let him love my shape, my eyes, my touch, let him love my dreams, my imaginations, let him love me. Let him be kind to me. And in return, I Will give up my life for him...let him be, and let us be together for all magnitudes in time ,

So long ago 4

they all trick me

beginning with myself

the angels and the sky

they all lie

starting with family, friends and any other people

they all say things they dont mean

most bestowed upon ,.by

myself

for i have tricked myself everyday and certainly everynight

I have tricked myself

daily

and now feeling the affects of it

continously

as a deep and ill grudge in the pit of my stomach

i feel heavy

i feel bland

i feel

cornered  amidst what pain previals

i feel down

i feel dizzy

i feel

nothing like what i want or should be

or worse

what people think of me