En Route to..... new poetry

i no longer am employed by heartbreak company

I no longer write images of fantasy
i write beauty
I write images of mytrust within myself
I write how a simple piano sog makes me and breaks me
I write how even though my dreams are large I am large enough to fill them
I write how God can turn me or break me but I will only believe that he will turn my future around and save me
I write how sudan is my home and I am its friend therefore it will help me
I am lavish enough
strong enough good enough
to deserve forgiveness
I deserve an image of myself that is happy and sound
passing life freely and with all the things I need and want


Ya Rab here I am today dreaming of aday where normally I am sad and unwisely fearful
sad and think that I am so far away
but today my writing writes
I am close closerthan i think
and iwth everyday that passes I love you more Ya Rab and I wish that you forgive me and help me becomethe woman you created me to become
I wish that you let me deserve that love I am looking for
I dont know what it looks like or feels like
and I open foryour suggestion ya allah
all i know is I am fresh
and new for it
I am unique to it
I will spen my time reserveing love for the man you give me
the one you intend to cross my heart with
and I wll not fail to show you that i am deserving of that match

Ya Rab
I asky ou to help me
direct me and teach and help me spend my days wisely controllably freely
Ya rAb I realise I have yet a lot to learn in loving you and that is true love
I have betrayed you and become unfaithful
trading u with other things
changing you with other images in my mind

and here I am today in total belief that you will take me back and give me your blessing
Ya Rab

En Route to ........... The woman

En Route to.............. the woman who holds the ocean glory
she looks out to the ocean, the cean small in her memory ,vast in her emotion she takes a breath of fury, fury to be the right woman, adrenaline soars in her anatomy, she is the perfect body of water harmony the sky of the blue cloth she intimately connects life to sings far with the wind. I am happy to be with you. She is clean, she is smart and she is patient. happily involved with life but in a relationship with God. THis woman knows what she's doing what she wants. She deserves anything pure and right -

Ya RAb
forgive me for I h ave done wrong
many times and may where
seperate me from my sins like you seperate the west from the east
do not let me see them ever again like you do not let see the snight and day together

Ya Rab you do not change people unless they change within themselves
I vow to change myself
I vow to break free from the chains of my disgust

Dear God
analyse me from pain
describe me from torment
write me down about sorrow
Do not pick any of these
I vow to become better feel better look better
I vow to be stronger and smarter
Ya Rab I beg only you and i beg you that it is not too late

I beg you to help me ya rab

En route to..............a new way of thinking

En route to..............a new way of thinking

God  I wish this  year is great
everyday I understand your plans better
today I realised how important you call was
today I remembered how strong I am
just by being a muslim woman

Dear God
forgive me today
Dear God
Forgive me tomorow
Dear God
forgive me yesterday

Dear God help me out in my anguishes
and dont leave me to languish

I ask for your concern and your dreams
I ask your oppotunities and your jingling keys
your existence in my heart before my eyes can see

Please let my eyes shine with your beautiful disguise
I want you to bulge me into life
I want you to drink me into reality
I want you to taste me into the future

let me rephrase
I want to drink and taste reality and the future as one with you

I want to walk and talk for you
I want to think and click worlds around you

I want to live for you
Ya RAb
let 2010 be ATDS year
let it be my year
entwined with love
and let 12/12 be a miracle day
and let my family healthy all say


we are proud of you
please let me believe in my self
do notlet me fail any test
that you give me
that you set me
I need your forgiveness before I can succeed
Ya rAb I do not want to be the one who has been mistaken
 I do not want to be the girl who was undertaken....
by life

YA rab I do not want to be the evil tongue
the dark earrings and absorbing necklace of demand
I do not demand anything

I just want your acceptance on me
I want to calm my volcano of rage
I want to stage a good drama
an innocent way

Lord knows there are things I do and feel I feel true and do
Lord knows there are things I say and mean I mean wrong and say

others

I ask you to not ever let me repeat the past
do not ever let me repeat the unknown
I ask you to help me

here I am thining I am invincible
when I am truly vvery invisible without you
ya rab ana
ya here or there

Y a rab I am overstretched
I want this And I want that
I feel this and I feel that
I dream this and I think that

I ask for this and I ask for that
they cancel each other out
so I dont ask for anything

Ya rab I have lost my identity
I am identity mess
who I am
what is it that i believe in and want
how much do I love myself
what am I willing to offer myself

how much am I willing to sacrifice for you


In Khartoum... I heard al sorts of heartbreaks
damaging and untold
awful desires and burning devils behind closed doors
poor love but rich in length
eyes attracting the empty
fears telling the story

of a woman bruised by her own commotion
creating her own traffic
stopping behind her own red light

asking all the wrong questions
leading all the wrong path

If I could freeze the summary
and heat the conclusion it would burn with the fuel of ill confidence

I am ill with lack of confidence
I am frightened by the confidence of strong woman stolen from me
its strange I see that confidence and I report it
that is mine
give itback
when did you take it
and how did you steal it that i did not see
if I hadseen you I would have never let you take my cofidence
and they say
shockingly
you gave it to us
for free
..............................................

En Route to.....Found

Through the crevices of my day
I fall through the darkness of my dreams
My twisted genes recover madness within me
The increments of my mistakes cover all goodness inside me
A meeting of broken cries
A tone of unspoken defects diagnose my remedies
Every time I try to repair
I wear my heart away
I tear my words astray
I argue with my soul until it runs away
To be thrown back before the mess
Before the start
Before the goals
- to a devils dream
- the partnership of crime
- the source of betrayal

I worship my flaws although I hate their meanings
A primitive mind trying to advance through pain and suffering
Finding the technology of determination a great deal to handle
And so turns back to igloo frozen memories and straw hut chances
The question wriggles in my head – why have I become like this?
Unbalancing my earth and tumbling my washed conscience to dirt
Black particles of quintessential lies – make me
And I flood my soul with cries
That I was once found but now lost
Lost far away in the space of my fantasies
In the wrongs of my convicted admirations
It’s like I want to go to a Mafia paradise
So I can be gunned down from a window of my unrestrained shadow
Because I thought I as safe
When I was only in raw born danger
Stolen in time broken through the middle of my forever
I can't watch myself anymore - a film of tragedy
Hollywood freedom imprisoned behind famous guilt
Trust falters like a mischievous child under a parents stare
Crying the night after being punished
Waking with swollen eyes but at least a clean heart
Unlike my filthy heart – beating to a rhythm dirty of weakness
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know what to do to make things right
I’m stuck on an elevator only able to plummet down
Down into the pits of my tears
The factory of my wasting years
Once I was fine and found
Now I’m lost without control
I’m lost without a goal
I’m lost to the great fall – of never finding myself at all.

En Route to......Love?.....

The open wind escapes me and the humidity enslaves me in a seduction of tranquil mist
The grass nfolds me in a mystery of far away sanity where I reach out to find my soul
Here I am....... Miles and miles away from somewhere once Only imagined now I am in the imagination where one day I never knew now I know . One day I dreamt and dreamt to the power of unknown seconds that turned into years know I am in the dream
I am in the dream of the rising star and the falling moon the romantic journey andn the final destiny the chivalrous soldier and the undying strength of true love the unfailing bravery the time never lost and the eyes that only trust I am ...... Wait
I feel all the rythym in the sky and I her nature explode with gods love in front of me I see power beauty richness that I admit I have never seen but behind me and all around me I................. I fear o deep to write

You know I imagine switches in people's minds that switched them
I imagine Actors amidst reality
One day the real film will be made
For the whole world to see
One day the real story will be told for this is the fallacy
Fallacy oftime place emotion destruction devotion
I have never seen such shattering de votion
Such broken love
I can see why they love I can see why they want and desire
Buti can also see why they die each day a little more I can see why every moment words are taught it erases gods miracles on us

Ya Allah thank you for sending me to a place so beautiful buti am sorry my eyes are broken into a thousand Ideas
I find myself here lost as usual but know ever so
For here I have discovered such undiscovered areas such told lies such expressing music that my own report is low
If I had chance to high my score...... Welll
I would swirl petals with cars and red velvet cake with Quran showering amidst the lavish landscape music of old and sudan with rap of new and motivated familiarity I would wake up early and design the night
I would write and write and write about what's right I would ask the handsome and the brave the bold but the beautiful the wise and thes trong but the most humble and the most alert I would ask god for help and hang ramaddan on the walls as well as new turskish dubbed series with an array of silly Egyptian ones.....the Sudanese news boring magnificence plays the winding of the night for time is precious and I would have precious silk owns and the boðy to impress the man of m dreams I would never cry and I would find myself in his kisses and our caressing days....wrappped in each. Others arms and twirled with happiness for in this vast life in this alone planet within a planet inside a world we live......extravagant and unshaken by .........the borderless life

For nonoe can enter our Borders without permission no one can tell us what to do no one can steal the most precious and only thing god gave metocontrol my actions and my faithand he knows that .....the one I share my life with
No one can make me fight for anything but what I believe in
No amount of beauty I would pay for to delete byname and make a new one. No nothing in this fantastic rip in time can make me argue for somethingiwas not born for
I wonder about true commitment and true honesty am I the true? No I am not that strong but then haven not really met someone who is
I wonder about the gaps that we fill and the space that we hold in this earth and the time that is allocated to us and the squaresthat we move in the circles that we love in and the triangles we get stuck in
I wonder about the. Fences we live around and the knowledge we pay for and the driving to life we learn
I wonder about what people mean and what means everything to people
Why does life have to be so cruel why do I share the conscience so deep inside me but so powerfully raw alive and screaming inside me taking every bit of my happiness and changing to thought
I wonder ehby I think I unique...... . I am only one little tiny non existent part of gods story but he. Has empowered with this heavy conscience this ...... Never sleeping why's and how's and nos and all that I want is to feel ht I belong but I know that the only place iwill ever really belong is......where god places me
I ask myself all the most simple but unimaginably difficult questions
Who am I
What do I want in life
What are my dreams
What is my destiny
Where do I belong
And then ....... What does love mean to me?
I.....got cut off by my relative....... To be continued

en route to.....finding the way out

I ...feel like I'm making bad choices all the time
Every second in every day and I cannot forgive myself
my conscience is like a gaping wound
each time I increase the torment by a new mistake
I think and immediately regret
 I act and instantly wonder why
 I never accept what do but I am not to give up
if there is one unique thing about me .....my faith
Dear God I am in love with you for sure
I may. Be so confused about everyone else but that I know for sure
My heart awaits praying my mind awaits your peace my dress awaits your acceptance
When I think of you I don't care about others there is a beautiful healing in your thoughts wondrous medicine in your time
Looking at the clear sky above my head this morning all I can feel is safety for being here or being anywhere I am still with you
I am so faraway from home worse still I am so far away from my sanity for here my emotions have run melted and cooked
I can't stop thinking about raw feelings and old memories mixed up with new conquests
 here I am free with the new wind landlocked up in the fantasy of my desires
 I keep thinking and wondering and asking and trying and failing
the distractions are not from others but from myself
 right now right now I don't know is it malpractice. Inexperience bad human nature how a part of me can suffer so dramatically from myself and the other part continues to mend continues to prove me wrong I admit I am broken in consistency
I admit I am severly judgmental within my inner and outer boundaries and forget that I judge others I admit I judge others even if what they're doing is wrong
 I have no right to feel like this
my heart twitters on others people's mistakes to forget my own I know I know I have lack of confidence but I build that up with strength of personality no one
no one
not even this ugly invasive part of me ......can succeed to fail me .

En Route to......Discovery

en route to discovery
I pass the oceans to find a new eternity
for my lost soul and hidden mystery
reaching a land that I thought was an impossibility
God gave me permission to discover a new destiny
without loss without cause without agony
I found myself distillid from questionability
I found myself strong among hypocrocy
I may have come bitter in the journey
but God knows my heart is golden from fury

en route to discovery
I come back with treasures and a new rhapsody
I come back intoxicated with my unimaginabe prosperities
and my hidden sensualities
and my untold stories



i come back whole
and i smile writing that sentence

I come back whole
for I replaced my heart with a new start
and I realised what I am living for is not in store....
it is now...it is today
and yesterday - is forgotten

en route to happiness
I crossed the lands and the oceans to come to a new place
I was insensible throughout
but good judgement comes with perserverence
passing comes with fialing
I will pass
I will succeed
I will awake all my queit body and mind
and I now  I will find
.....a NEw Hope

(to be continued)