Echoes in my mind_ the lost woman

Here I am
exactly where i want to be
and better
but not kinder
but not grateful to myself
clogged up inside with feelings of ...
I dont know how to untangle them
is it weirdness
is it fear
is it loss
is it the questions unanswered
or the feeling
is this really happening to me ?
just like the office or like the miracle inside or like the work or like the man or like the everything
that im so lucky to have
Allah is with me and has given me and has never been stingy with me
yet I
am bitter
I am lonely
I am lost
I am crowded with everything but him

Echoes in my mind_(totally unconventional prayers)

Time runs 

flies 

jumps 
Here i am
In my second wedding party
Hoping for a better future
Wishing upon a... Few dreams coming true
Like
Loving who i am while weAring my pieces of jewellery 
Old new expensive cheap
Theyre mine
And they make me glitter
But faith also makes me glitter
And ive neglected it

 
My heart skips a beat
I miss african streets
Strange
It seems calm to me
Family tell me i look calmer
I ask myself
How stressed did i look before?
Whatever it is 
I dont want to lose this era of happiness im in
Suddenly i can see the coolness of our love
The memories young but tonnes
The new future we want
Am sick of always feeling i havnt reached my goals
I have and above...and I will and beyond

they await me...they do
Much happier listening to beyonce
While here in this land
A 4 metre turbaned man is the kill
Classic urbanity
Will see on saturday
I love my man
Feel like he is my man
I want him to be
Hes cool
I am too
Flawless 
And i do look good tonight
aNd i can look better sexier always
but I am the myriad of self hope
Hopeful wise young 

Echoes in my mind_ (The first time)

The first time something happened was when  I danced amidst my exams 4 hours a day...or more to Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and much more - I did more than i could ever imagine


The first time something happened was when I discovered he woke up at 5.30 am to pray alSubuh on time and then start studying

 I went to the 4 rth floor that day and stared at the beautiful sky just before dawn listening to the near by mosque telling me that life only begins when you're content with yourself =
all because of him


Now.. I know somethings happened when I realised Ive tried everything - I have this one solution left - to stop hearing myself and start hearing the words of kind and sweet faith

Its time to let go of my familiarities a little and start entering a realm ive never stepped into - filled with expensive patterns that mean the galaxies combined

and maybe God - has given me this undreamt and realistically cut opportunity to sharpen my true soul and outline the echoes in my mind to surrender in the fine thin line that is

who I was before the table... of Life

Echoes in my mind_ (Dont begin)

Its not a fair game to compare your mistakes with others... for their mistakes are individual,... entertained by their genetics, environments, beliefs, habits, traits, fears, failures, and love... for everyone wants love and protection of it, everyone needs to feel secure and everyone needs to know that love comes to them - sometimes they must go pursue it without consequence and except Allah , we don't have the right to be consumed in their wrong
and everyone does mistakes... the worst .. being not believing in Allah and how he is so kind and good to you - his creation -

its not the way to cheer you up - just because you hear others are full of dirt and falling deeper and deeper in sin - I feel sorry for them - yes - but using their weakness for your added strength is
like a vampire wish
and feeding on the  bloody ways of others is not the way to live a life
for you must be fair to yourself first and to do that you must stop watching others and search for the blackness inside you - to be fair to yourself you must be judgmental on your personal blacknesses
and to be fair you must be wise upon yourself to find the solutions and carry them out - not just hover over others possibilities to save themselves

you must find your own regrets and your own reasons that brought you to who you are today
and not why others got to where they are today
stop looking at the holes in others for one day they may sow themselves but you will still be leaking.....

Echoes in my mind_ ( I deserve better)

I will not let you bring me down
I will be btter stronger more imaginative and I will be free  Iwill succeed and I will be happy
I will be happy and I will be powerful but most importantly i will strive for a clean conscience
I will strive
 Iwill give you 73 chances
God knows what is inside me even if i dont
God knows if im telling the truth or you're telling me lies
or I 'm the bad one or you're the right one
maybe we will never know

but I know , I know
that i deserve better
so here is my promise to myself


I will not shed a tear
I will not shake a mm
I will not fall apart
I will only pass extremely well

because i deserve better


I deserve better

Echoes in my mind_(without the sin)

a new baby girl is born far far away... and i am still sad so near
i think
creations and deprivations hand in hand
I have deprived myself of breathing, living nicely, happily alive
and it is my hand on my neck choking all young within me strangling all sweet next to me
un
natural amidst the beautiful singing of a newborns song
strange the same name and I am still wrong
 the unpredictable curled way they are and  the smallest touch makes them wriggle
and the sweetest smell makes me smile and the coincidence makes me for a moment , just a young instant make me feel fine

and yet i am unpleased with gods plan
i am accompanied by abnormality
by residuality
of a terrible affair
______________________
maybe you are right
but maybe you are the wrong perosn for the right person
how would you feel if were the wrong person ?
are you sure God wants you to meet the right one ? maybe they are wrong too you just havnt realised it yet

for a small moment I feel calm
I feel calm thinking of a young dream
watching a beautiful dream
tempted to go the right way

Echoes in my mind _ (a long one in madness )

how many  times can i die
how many times can i try to fly
how many times can i hope
how many days till i cannot cope

how many hours is it till the end
how many mistakes will i send
how many moments will i despair
how many things will i not repair

how many ways can my heart be broken
how many times will i get a free token
to survive in another chance
to stop and get out of this nightmare trance

how many tries will i be given
until i will never get another try to enter heaven
will there be a day where i will have to be
stuck outside the door of 'you couldnt just see'

that all inside you was rotten and feverish
to a heat of calamity you were arrogant and selfish
losing your way because you wanted to
passing the time because you had to

never try to really work hard
you never could from pleasure be barred
no you had to feel lust and desire all for yourself
and now you've missed out on your true self

you could have been on the inside of eternal bliss
you could have felt an erotic loves kiss
not in an inentionally wrong way
no in an absolutely heavenly day

you could have gotten all you ever dreamed
you could have touched all you ever  deemed
excrutiatingly far away and dangerous it seemed
but honestly you just never was right enough to see how it gleamed

and wasnt as bad as you ever thought
and wasnt as hard as you ever brought
this story to a complete and utter mess
and you brought this fantasy to  a complete and distinct chess

of a queen who couldnt even win the game
even though she had the power and the rules to have all the fame
of goodness and aspiration she could ever move
but she just stood still and let the devil groove

all that was royalty inside her
all that was brilliant and brighter
all that was magical and after
she threw away ever after

i could go on about the damage in  my soul
damaged and dammed there is a place i call
but none can hear me and i fall and fall
fall and fall and fall and hit the wall

and there is no more hope for me to ever wake
for i have given my all and put it at stake
for a little bit of pleasure and a lot more pain
for a little bit of fantasy i was very very vain

how many tears will i have to cry
how many fears will i have to try
until i find that all my pain is here
awaiting me to feel it clear

how many hours will have to pass
how many dramas will have to dance
hhow many moments will have to fade
until i pick the colour that suits my shade

I am not this that or the other
i am a certain t ype of another
I am not this way that way or ever
going to be something like you never

i am different to everyone else
stop trying to change the silence of strength
and make noise with the weakness of you
and make ppower with the ugly in you

how many words will i have to write
until i give up and i give up the fight
how many actions will i have to dare
until one action is the right heir

to a new day and a shooting star
that i watch cross the sky not so far
many years ago awaiting its truth
even if im no longer in the age of its youth

i wish upon time to go back
i wish the impossible and i wish i attack
alll my senses and start again
and find the centre of the earth inner my zen

try to make sense of a lost argument
and you'll find its all just lifes instrument
to play out of tune out of sync out of life
to become the odd, the unhearable the slice of a knife

in the broken oorchestra of tonight
i write and write and write
looking for a word to suprise me
searching for  a change in my history

in the shattered of the night
i fight and fight and fight
to be the different to be th strange
to be the better but i am still deranged

from all that is right easy and beautiful
from all that is good simple and changable
from all that is kind honest and faithful
from all that is new older and intertwinable


with all that is gone done and sung
all that is useless clueless and flung
out in open destructive years
the wounds still open from thse passing spears


of warrior time
of dry time
of awful time
of a time i miss

when i am chained outside heaven
watching the kiss i wished i would have
watching the girl i dreamed i would be
watching the ground shatter in me

outside heaven and i take my time
noooooow you have all the time in the world
to cry cluster clatter and call
to the devils near and far and down and deep
call call call with you they will seep
n your collective misery as one with the other
let them finish their day job and come crash yours
look thats me and i cannot be with her
your fault we just did waters wanted us to be
drown you clown nothing to do with us you see
i cannot grasp clasp or rasp anger or regret
they are right they are correct
they are tearing what i suspect
to be true
i am here outside watching my dream
i am here inside creaming my lean
meats of torment taste of fury
not one in a million can simmer this bean
this doesnt make any sense
i am lost in madness..............

Echoes in my mind_ (Please heal me)

I want to find a surreal place and call it home
never have to leave
never have to cry
I want to find a magic song and call it perfect
never get bored from it never recover from its intensity

I want to find my good self and make it shine
always polish it and let it be mine
and mine aone

  I want to find a cool breeze and let it transform me
I want to sit in a hidden forest and feel safe

I want to stare at a beautiful image and know I am the beautiful
 I want to love in a moment in time and know I am the reason for love

I want to be calm
I want to be happy
I want to be the reason for someones call
to change their tracks
and walk this way for ever after....................

Echoes in my mind_ (scattered past)

Broken petals in my hand

Their beauty wilted under my command

Torn between Life and death

It was a beautiful one, once filled with health

Shining natural wealth

Blending into horizons of its soul

Joining the fantasies of the wind and the call

Taking out its colour to show the world

Suddenly its energy flickered and curled

Smiles drained so easily as it saw all the tragedy

Veins ran out of flower flesh rising to

emptying kindly the serenity of its bloom

reducing into a sudden zoom of bleeding memories and a metaphor

Of things I used to be

Like a sun in the night

Health after death

Dreaming of a reality

Softness in the storm

Compilations I do not understand

اتمني Echoes in my Mind _arabic

اتمنى حب عظيم
حب قضيم في انتظار المستقبل
حب جديد لا ينسى الماضي
يشبه الموج عندما يقع علي اطراف الشاطئ
يشبه الهواء عندما يجري على شارع الصباح
يشبه الرقص عند منطصف الليل

Echoes in my mind_ (The Prize)

So as I decide on my life and future dreams , what I want to do where I want to go – I realise all the mistakes I’ve done in the past were crucial understandings and even though they might have destroyed me in effort, embarrassment and wrong deeds I still imagine that they might just have a cent of good – towards the new investigations and experiments that design the intervals between my past, present and amazing future – I sit upright and wonder about time wasted, moments tasted of anxiety and stubbornness to be bold – but then the inspiration approves itself that I am a coincidence of brilliance and hope – I am hope – I love God – I love to please God and to make Islam proud – I love making my family proud – it is one of the best feelings in the world – just as receiving a prize is the best in the world – And so as I ponder upon all my achievements that can be magical and wonderful to a limit that is so large and grand – I realise that I need to forget the hindering effects of any negativities and understatements and begin to step on and master the vast picture of magnificence and dedication to God firstly , myself secondly and to my family thirdly.

(Echoes in my mind)_ The Presidential Flower

I must stop and find
I need to rewind
All the processes of my mind
Thoughts compatible with my kind
Instead of being always allergic and blind
With despair and construction of desires
I need to discover
Love in me before dreaming of another
Before wishing upon fallings stars through glass of shattered fantasies
Calmness –
I hope for silence of dreams to take away the blasphemies
And bring me pearls of stolen entities that once were jewels
Of me – By me – With me – For me – In me –
Where did all my strength go?
Where did all my power blow?
How did I lose my faith in my beauty and knowledge?
When did I change into this horrid message?

I must go upon the thin chances and think of heavy memories
That once flew me away peacefully on a sky of remedies
A sea of sanctuaries
Moments of promises that I thought would last forever and wake me through the necessities of life

Things are changing and days are flaming with passions and pain
People are understanding but also misguiding and I need radars that stain
All lies and problematic voices
I open a shallow umbrella under the rain
Where coldness of emotions penetrates to my veins
Deep in my heart I pray that the pain – washes through the drains
Of my asking God for forgiveness and happiness
Strength and elegance
To be a Muslim women full of energetic existenceTo live life with beauty, hope and be - The presidential flower

Echoes in my mind_(I want)

I want to be dark, hidden but real

Covered, True and Feel

I want to be passionate, lustful and desirable

But I beg to be clean, beautiful and admirable

Echoes in my mind_ (I Wonder)

I wonder about predictions and restrictions
my dreams trying to save me but are only hurting me
are they crazy?
lost in the wilderness of the night they tried to free me in the day but were they only breaking my heart in the day light
pushing my wants into explosions of confusions
I Wonder about music and silence
how do I know when I'm listening to the queit melody of love
I Wish I could hear the beating of 2 hearts needing each other
It would be so much easier to recover the truths of fate

Stars and sky help me fiind

All the things that are kind

All the things that are in my mind

Please give me a chance

To find romance

Echoes in my mind_ (The Contradictions of similiarity)

Falling stars cutting the darkness and entering into a whispy night of dreams and mysteries shining through eyelids demanding peace ,yet only funding trouble from the deep dark soul that profits from money of a tormented plight.

Feeling awake while asleep, numb while conscious

I wonder where is my place,

Where is the emotion in anothers face,

Are they for me or against me,

I feel like they are destroying me.

Sweet dictatorship with misery I blend

The sounds of my memories momantarily gush through me and unlock all the reserved energy of goodness, I am blinded by the viscious passion that soars in me as poison and beauty become one. As perfume and rubbish devour each others defintions and Hell and Heaven are stirred into the complexity of identical apparitions.

Painted black with white paint.

Complex rythms raining on my soul

the waters of my dreams soak me as I fall

Deep down somewhere in the drains collecting my identity

I'm broken into pieces to fit into different pipes of mystery

Each part of me alone, wondering where is the good end that I can reach

In the pitch black hole of the night

As taxis and trafiic lights fight

and the rains of light pool onto streets that are stalling memories and time

Love seeps with intensity in my mind

But the urge to escape from this backstreet defined

I Don't forget that I am undermined

By a mind that wants to find

Something that is ugly but kind

Echoes in my mind_ ( Who should I be?)

You must close your eyes and relax
Think before you speak
Think before you think
stretch out your arms and listen to your heartbeat
Discover your soul
Travel within your open boundaries of what you mean to you
Get a rhythm of focus
And dedicate peace instead of confusion for you
Relax before you decide
Understand when you examine your life
At this moment in your life
you belong to you and no one else
you belong to freedom and good memories
Breathe without traffic of congested fears
Sleep with clear dreams
Wake up to a new day
Where true love is here to stay

So take your time
In finding you
In knowing your courage and your coloured shadows
Use the hours to recharge with identity
Not misery
Smile to your kindness
Appreciate your opinions
Adore your beauty
Respect your religion
Fall in love with your faith
Be yourself

Echoes in my mind_ ( Dissapointment)

I wonder about failing latitudes high in my heart
About the oceans of tears that drown me apart
The disappointment from myself, dries me away
Into a far away desert where my soul is forced to stay
Away from my hurt and anger and loss
Open heartbreaks and pain is the boss
I feel ashamed of what I be
I feel loudly shadowed from all I see
Nonsense they’ll think and laughter they’ll envelop
Sending me misery that I will develop
Broken broken through a memory stolen
Forever appointed –with a heart disappointed

Echoes in my mind_ ( The other part of me)

I fear that within all my interconnected lines – a deep dark soul finds its roads to continue – of the beaten track – where I’ve lost the evidence to convict its black – memories against me - pressing argumentative treason and all the wrong reasons to commit unmistakable mistakes through the drama of my life and fractioned dreams. I am (in – contactable) with myself, asking my eyes why they cry glass tears killing me, asking my breath why it gives in to contaminated air , suffocating me– falling and falling through the cracks that open wider as my damp hearted feelings dry - as my emotions fry – under a ruthless sun baking my fantasies into a bitter trauma – I am tasting of hurt – cooking madness – eating it all nonstop – as if hypnotised by an evil explosion of no control - and silent awakening of a confused master – within a surface glaze – seemingly undisturbed by any saga of this peeling mind - my desires weaken me as my faith abandons me – embarrassed from my betrayal – moments of a fool – seconds meaning nothing but calculable giving ins - I have so many unmanageable wants – all asking the same thing – to be heard loudly – but I cannot listen to all without straining myself beyond un repairable stretch – tampered with smile – torn from the stress – fingertip mess – splodging too many flaws on my no longer fit paper that once had the meaning of me spelled correctly – now it’s a failing exam- none of it is up to the standard of what I’ve become – a forgettable hum – even to myself – even though that’s never how I intended it to be – I desired to reach all the goals I wished upon –under the sun – but now I’m over the dark- thinking about my broken mark – where I no longer have a point to conquer – and I wander – somewhere in the depths of a misunderstood capturing galaxy – twisted in its laws – bursting with flaws - adapting me in its shape – an alienated escape – questioning my foreign, very foreign, foreign home – built in the undiscovered shadows off the motorways of my veins after the bypass of my heart – turning after my mind and driving into my soul but just after my dreams and finding a space of a place in the wilderness of that area that lies disturbed – and curbed – with frustration -

Echoes in my mind_ ( mess)

Word corrode but meanings explode
Dreams express what reality depress
Valentine falls as other days call
Into the rhythms of dry time
Without flowers and candles, just a bitter taste of truthful lime
Yet can it be sweetened to taste any better?
I’m suffocating myself with all those thoughts in my mind
All caving in to break me – force me into a shallow world
Of devoted deepness in believing in one true kiss
I don’t want to be in – the hypnotization of bliss
I want to miss - all those fears that hit me and bruise me
I’m shattered and tired
Fallen on the ground of failure
Needing a stranger - to be me

I am climbing the wrong way
Dreaming the wrong side
Killing the wrong enemy


Polluted dreams
Smother me with crime
Black fantasies color my mistakes
I want to be Cleopatra
The queen the strong the lover
Warrior of my time
No one can take me
Unless I want to be swept away

Write madness
Words of darkness
I have no expenditure
Spending too many lies
Waterfalls of cries

I try and recover what I deleted but I can't find it anywhere
I try and remember where it is but I can't find it
It’s gone - all of it
Dust that the wind took to a far away place
But blowing in a further strangeness
Storms of reality shelter me
I didn’t know I was the enemy
I hate this crazily
Black spine supporting me
Xylophones singing a scale of memories from when I was young in a classroom of broken life
I can't remember what I need
Suspended in the sky of tragedy
Going to eternity, through traffic of shattered dusk
Will you find me
Or am I the definition of a secret
Never to be discovered
Hidden crime groups beating the law in a darkened room as they whisper their plans to each others failure over choking smoke of deception and lies.
Until they start to remember the detail in the silence of their captivity – until I remember the silence that my regret wakes me
In prison of my invisible sleeping promises
I pour up my sadness in a cast smile
That’s deep
Tears I seep
Not knowing how to finish
Lines of despair
Come bring spares for my repair
Take me to a garage of therapy
So I can heal my wounds that keep opening magnificently
Into shadows of desire
Into a stolen attire
I want to retire – from me
And start a new day of calm
Not this raging fire that spires – through me

Echoes in my mind_ (dreaming to be real)

Loss at the optimum
I lie to the maximum
Strength at minimum

My problems choke me
Protrude and enhance me
Into eras and decades of tears
Through centuries and lifetimes of fears
I always rhyme tears and fears
They go so well in meaning and feeling
I contemplate changing and breathing a new type of thinking
But the air I take is disappearing as it passes my cold interior of lungs
Frozen by the refrigerated happiness
Ice spikes crack through my warmth
I become shattered with remorse
As I stay the same yet yearning to run to win in the match of freedom of minds
But like the referee has red carded me
In life – to be – stopped

Trying to fix myself but end up looking like a disfigured portrait
I need something
Like a new soul
Or lessons to change this one
I’m feeling empty
Cold and shady
Sick
From all the contamination coming from my thoughts
Wasting my energy into all that is wrong
Dreams
They slide in an out of my soul
Sometimes saving me other times helping me fall
Lost in their captured freedom
Yet yearning to land in their open kingdom
Dreams
Revolutionize in my mind
Re conquer my silence
And fill me with gushing memories and remedies of a past that can't last but a future that is waiting to be lived the right way
I don’t know what to say
So many feelings blinding me
But I don’t know what to say
All the words making landslides and mountains
But I don’t want to say