Work writing- a mess

Here i am loving caring understanding wanting needing having not having

My life is worth living 

Always i think about the girl in the yellow cardi all the way there a long time ago and all the pain she had inside her how images are so decieving she might have been happier in a slum but how unhappy shewas i. The free world

Civilisation as some like to call it

But i think

Civilisation is within u 

My home is beautifully civilised although just 20 steps outside is a rubbish dump 

Or dinner for some

 I miss him so much

I want him as much asthe purple and pink eyeshadows i couldnt stop myself getting

Or the morrocan fabrics in ... Storm

My heart is astorm

Im complete confident yet broken and weak

I am smart i am happy

But am also the one to make myself cey

I am reasy to be a mother

I cant even imagine how it feels 

Its like walking on the moon for me 

Today is the 1st june...yellow i remember

Long time i didnt care about blogging just ruining my life was time ful

Long time i didnt concentrate i didnt breathe i didnt conquei ve never seen myself weaker

Less persistent

Never even i remember the last time i 

Achieved something

No i dont

Unless u count good shopping

I kno right now no difference with me and the girl in the yellow cardigan

Except maybe im alive and shes... Not

To be continued...

I am a brilliant app

All over again? My own fault? My bad memories my strengths my fears my weaknesses? What about my laziness my despair my wish to be that oneand yet doing nothing about it

When i saw her today i remembered our tutorials and how 1 day i was the best i certainly felt it but today although i was there i wasnt there in soul for deep down i was troubled my own setbacks , not her successes 

3 years - my brain cells slowly wither away fir i have not used them

I also felt powerful today. I knew things wven though those were not backed up except 3 years ago- so i imagined whatwould happen if i had backed it up

I am choosing differently

I am trying

How many choices yeaterday and today

Whole burger meal but not 279 hamburger

Not too many not too many

I thought that curved jacket was gorgeous

A real treat

I am proud of myself for finding it

I still have 5 days to go

And 30 to lose

And clouds to learn

And things i already have that i should use

My battery will cut on my phone

And sowill the battery one day in my geart but until then...

I am and i am and i am a beautiful smart woman like a brilliant app but just underused 

When i 

why so hard?

dontk now what yourdoing?
dont know what your saying?
dont know why youve reached a place like this
dont know why you keep lookingat other peoples lives with the dignity taht you dont give yours
dont know why its hard?
dont know whats wrong
dont know whats wrong with you
dont know how to fix it?
dont know what to do
anymore




ask yourself this


where do you see yourself in 5 years time
will i really be wehre i want to be
realy have all i  ever wanted
really make who i want to make happy
really be there in life and travels
or will i still be here
wishing to be tehre



ask yourself
why is it so hard
really why is it so hard

want to...be a new me

and in the midst of all that pain
Allah gave me a solution
I dont know I just felt taken care of

I want to go to Allah
want to run to him
want to break all my barriers and i want to give him all my fears
want to ask him for change and want to thank him for my life
I still want to be a representative - even if a junior one
want to be strong
want to be true
want to be happy
want to actually feel being happy and not just say it
want to be kind to myself
but want to be honest with myself
want to be without despair
without this...pain


Ya Allah
havnt been true
am sorry
please forgive me
please help me

That kind of heart

The one oozing pus from all the infection all the sadness

Torn and bruised from the outside it hurts so much to breathe

I get on the train and try forget all that 

It will be fun you know its not all that bad

Whata brave girl you are travelling in the woods

Being here

With all these people you dont know

On sunday

Gloom day

Massaging all the weakness into a glimmer of strength

Walking into the world with my mums words

CMon get up go! 

And suddwnly for a while i forget all the pain inside me

All the heaviness i carry with me

All the anger i have within me

All the frustration i hold 

All the broken anticipation

And all the pain i feel from that infected heart

And i buy a funky white jacket remembering the conference and imagining a strong woman

With a navy white stripped skirt as well

With her2 posters and her strong admiration to look proud

And then i walk into other sections

And i remember the presents i have to buy

I chooee pink

And then i say that i chose

Pink

And

Then

It happened

It was walking towards matalanthat the words came out

And suddenly

I justcouldnt cope anymore

I didnt want to be here anymore the pain was just too much

All the pus coming out

My heart aching for a futur so dim

The power of lonliness

Gushing through

And suddenly i was crying looking at clothes

I was crying choosing a flat white from costa

I was cryig sitting drinking my cold flat white although i had told her i wanted it extra hot

No point talking to her

No point saying what i wanted

What would make me happy

Because nothing in the world right now

Could make me happy

No

.... 

see......

You can be happy in a dark area
in a broken area
if you put your mind to it
if you believe
you can be sad in the sunshine
or in the disbelief that God will not help you
you can be crazy if you want or kind
you can build yourself up with confidence
you can build your self with promises that you keep
you can be or you can choose not to be
you can be everything
you can be everything you imagine
or you can not make it because you didnt try
or you lied to yourself
you can wake up at 5 and go twice
you can be
you can be
you can be
you dont have to be stressed out


stop stressing out
see
Allah fixes things
and changes things
and makes things
and creates things
and even lets you imagine things that can actually be real