nothing...

like my country , I'm torn between beauty and repulsion

torn between the calm sunset and the chaotic bloodstream

of the pressures of actions that make me... repulsive

though the core is forever beautiful

26 years of madness have made me 

... a central mess

and yet the core is forever sound

like molten steel

or... fallen feathers
that linger in the sky
but if they did fall
their good softness would cover the hardness of a thirsty desert of empty tries
but my sins collide with the polluted ozone of weakness and blackness
to stop them

asking God to forgive me for my sins

the heat , melting any passion for a strong personality

like my country, I feel no definition for what I can be

I feel burnt with mistakes

a conclusion of sins

and a result of stolen time

.... similiar to each other

 I attempt to shovel my scatterings
underneath the dirt

and pretend I'm like...
a woman at Hajj
God can just accept
... my prayers
but like I was told...
its not all about you
and that is very true

 I am the promise that never came

the golden key that was never found

the treasure lost forever

the heartbroken angels that will surround
my country and I

I am the.... life that dies everyday

the nights that whisper away

the stars that twinkle with tears

the sun that no longer fears

to burn

like my country I am....nothing

what is it that i want 3

I have a lot of dreams
too many of them maybe
that i cannot hold them all safe 
 and then all I can see and all I can hear
is when they fall
and shatter to the ground
lifeless
useless


and i wonder have i tried everything
have i worked hard enough
have i asked the right way
and have i admitted my mistakes
???


I think
is this what i really want
to show
to dance shyness away
to stare faith right in the face and leave
to act
to state the fact that i can only barely pass

I think
what is it that i am capable of doing
and how fast am i capable of doing it

packs and pack of tries that have failed in my head
 something has to change
and its not going to be in  my amount of dreams
its not going to be in their quantity

I feel frustrated

I feel frustrated
that all i have is these doubts
when i dont want them or need them
but they come to me
and i cannot give them up

i feel frustrated that what i want and what i do are two totally different thing
tihnking like a queen acting like a beggar
dreaming proud, living under a dark cloud
feeling vast love , for the one above
and yet unable to show him how i feel
because priorities take over
and make me slower
and leave me lower

I feel frustrated that i have so much
and yet i feel so little
becasue faith is not in my arms
weakness is


I feel frustrated that time is contolling me not i it
that love is sanctioning me rather than freein me
that power is demanding rather than liberating
and that lies are winning rather than the truth living

I feel frustrated that i knw inside me i have so much more to give
and live for
and I know that i want so much more
but its like im not aboard
like ive been thrown over
by accident or delibrate
doesnt matter
what matters is the ship
is sailing forwards and
i am behind drowning

I feel tormented

I feel tormented that i have wasted so much time
all this time
and now have barely time to do the thngs i had so much time to do
I feel tormented that no one tormented me but myself
  that here i am 2.12 am thinking about things i shouldnt be thinking of
and wanting things that i dont deserve
and feeling pain in all the right plces

my bleeding heart
my useless soul
my unforgiving mind

here i am feeling ashamed for all the unshame of forgotten time
i feel tormented that i have spent more hours onf acebook than hours reading the quran
that inshallah tomoro
im going to have barely enough time to breathe
just about

YA RAB
I ask you in this strange and beautiful night let me continous in my freedom
YA RAB you deserve the bbest

I feel debilitated

i feel debilitated that i have been debilitated all day and now all i have is to write about it
i find it heartbreaking that i do not want something to happen and yet without even my awareness my consent or my control it happens
by me
I see it aching that i am aching for all the wrong reasons
I hear it unbarable that I am like this unable to hear anything but debilitation
of hunger, of power, of strength
of want of need of demand of answers that need questions
I find it debilitating like i am chained
stuck glued blocked
unmanaged by time
like time runs me by
everyday
like life flys through me every minute and the seconds addd up to be a day
day into days into weeks
into months
into failure
i find it debilitating that there is not answer to my pain
that there is no medicine for my trauma
that there is no conclusion to my action
that there is no success after my failures
I find it debilitating
remorseful
shallowful
consumingly painful
large deposits of lack and shortage
i find it debilitating that all my words together dont mean a thing
that all my meanings dont mean one
that all my ideas are immature and that all of me is immatre
and yet the picture is huge
is wrong
is unforgiving
I fnd debilitating that others are doing things
big thngs
and it will be the turtle and the rabbit
I will lose even though I started off fine
and strong
and otehrs will win even thougg they began slow and wrong and terrble

I will lose
I find it debiliating
that i am an empty vessel
for the devil to sink his dreams in
for the devils to clear their ideas through
and for the devils to have home in the night
i find it debilitating how I let them in my system and hypnotise
control and empower
diminish all my tries
and exxagurat emy desires
until the blaance s tipped and i lose control
everytime
not once is there a no
never
the devil
i say no
to

I find it debilitating that i am here useless like this
locked up inmy own freedom
keyed in with my own key

broken into and my soul stolen
rummaged around with and my heart taken

I find it debilitating that i am powerless to stop
it
them
me
we
soul
so i fall
time and time again

I find it debilitating
painful
terrifying
worrying
accumulating
and
sad
 that i am like this

weak
powerless
wrong
tired

i find it debilitating

i feel embarrassed

I feel embarrased from my faith
my beautiful faith and dreams
I feel embarassed that i am jealous from waht others have even though i have it!
i cannot explain but i feel embarrased from time from wonder wrong
from explicit trauma of power
and i feel embarrased that i am only getting older but i am not going forwards
 i feel embarrased that i am weak
and unable to maintain anything i desire
i can only maintain waht my soul watns
and its funny
how my soul and I
we want the same things
and yet the outstanding pictures are two totally different things

i feel embarased from you my god
from you my deen
from you my covering faith

I have lost hte world time and time again
 ihave lost time over and over throughout
i have forgotten about memories good ones
and strength living through hope and sanity
and good deeds
i have remembered only a small portion of madnessa nd wickedness
and i feel embarrsed that i am loking at life through this sad and small porthole
one without light
one without ......me

what is it that I want 2

I feel sad now that I have been writing so sadly
it may not even be writing it may just be a collection of sad words
I am only sad that I feel like this
the actual point of my memories makes no sense
just a collection of useless dreams
true dreams are way more powerful and they dont make you sad

so I am still searching
what is it that I want ?

what is it that i want 1

I ask myself what is it that i want
and i realise i do not know
but more importantly I know
what i DONT
want

and i think to myself
this is what i thought i wanted for so long
and when i saw it in front of me
i realised i felt nauseated with such existence
i realised this is not my existence
i realised this is not what i want
i realised i felt shallow
and superficial
and there was more to me
than what i ever thought


there is more to me than what i ever thought
anad i thought what is right?
what is wrong

wont my ears and eyes know
how come i dont know

I thought

this is wrong
and what makes me feel right is my faith
and my strength comes from within
and my memories
are all strong if faith is involved

but hten i tihnk
i know i want love
but i only know the iceberg
i only know the tip
and ii dont know anything at all


I dont know anything at all

and then i tihnk

maybe that is ok
in fact this is what i want
not to know anything at all