Pandemic times of me 4_worst of my worst

the battle is real
failed and miserable, every night i turn into a cold blooded woman of nothing
 i dont know who I am
as the clock of my worst rolls
i roll into a sick adventure
they say you cant do the same thing expecting a different result
so i do the same thing and get the same result of pain
of destruction of anger and despair
its inside me

like a broken film
its around me
like a massive dinosaur
roaring and attacking
and yet.. the room is silent ...and black

everything at this moment is wrong
and i know
i have upset the most critical

and i ask myself
why cant I?

why cant i be the best
why cant i suceed
why cant i pass
why cant i write
why cant i focus
why cant i do the right thing

what mess have i gotten myself into

its clear
dont go near

its obvious
its detrimental

its loud
this is not sound

this ramadan
i was at my worst
ever
faraway
but then
i gained insight for the first time in my life
and i grew strong
i knew and felt for the first time how the devil interfered
and then
i asked myself
why cant i fight
why cant i win?

and now i ask myself
what am i doing?

Pandemic times of me 3_ personal pain

Take it or leave it 

its here with you - something that you cannot let go of

something that you cannot exchange with anything

you have to feel it

you have to understand it

you have to listen to it

you have to want to heal

otherwise its pointless - 

go to episode 1 and forget 

when you're ready come back

if you cant sit with the pain

with the anger

with the hatred

with the feelings you have of you

then just go

if you cant imagine anything else

if you dont want to reconstruct

f you dont want to ask questions and hear the answers

then just go

dont play around

dont pretend and definitely dont lie to yourself

you either support yourself

or you dont

theres no middle ground here

yes ill be good sometime and i wont be the next

but let me tell you

its takes one step

and then the next

listen to yourself

listen

listen to your man

listen to your real findings

not the fake ones

and be patient

be present in your pain

your personal pain

pandemic times of me 2

Dont love something that is bad for you

and Dont hate something that is good for you

because you fall apart and get lost in the cracks

you become painted with misery and find no light to find you

you source the love but also the pain

and the pain is addictive and hard to get rid of

you spend the time like its drug money

you need more constantly

you start to lie

you start to hide

you start to forget 

you start to sit empty in the dark 

you start to lose

your life essentially

you lose meaning

its silly

but its real

and although its tremendous what a good story can do

its more tremendous what a  sick heart can feel and what a tricked mind can do

choking in dreams

those are the true handcuffs

that is the real punishment

not loving yourself 

not loving yourself enough

not loving yourself at all

not wanting yourself

not caring about yourself

not looking at yourself

not being there for yourself

Pandemic times of me

Aaahh what better way than to drive solace and need in a human than get back to the first ever constituents of life

silence


patience


time


This time.. where theres enough time to hear the wind blowing and the leaves swaying
is a time that will never be found again
if you want think of it like a time of desperation where out of the unknown there is one thing for sure


Time can not get cancelled
so use it wisely and happily

Remember - you are what you believe - and you are the conclusion of your efforts and your thoughts
you cannot be two
you cannot pretend
you cannot expand without truth

so be truthful with yourself
who are you really ?


A mother of two?
A smart woman?
An energetic human?
A lost soul?

Chapter 4_a sharks bone

A sharks bone 

Don’t forget that 

And so are your habits

So are your stoppages so are your disasters

Your inabilities are a sharks bone to your heart

Your weakness is  a sharks bone to your soul

Your stupidity is a sharks bone to your mind

Your methods , your deviations, your instabilities

And your passions 

But you can change that

You can make your mind

…. Frame to fit

Explore to expand

Go wild to calm

Breathe to fine motor

Breath taking patience

What you need is to believe

And ask yourself

What is it you desire?

What is it you can do about that desire?

What is it you can do right now to own control?

For isn’t that what you desire? 

Chapter 3- virused capabilities

I have to be on top of my game in 4 hours

Acting the best and drinking enough coffee to push this madness out

My head feels like theres gunk in it 

Lots of soul infection without medication

The obsession is clear

A part of me doesn’t want to stop

Because its displaced my body for the first time in my life

And fragmented my internal laziness

And truly changed my thoughts

But its also deteriorated my goodness that’s for sure

Its broken my mind

Its shattered my control

But its also reminded me of my pain

My true pains

The ones I hide, the ones I used to ignore , the ones I never challenged

Until now I could never control them

Every single moment of frustration hits me 

My eyes see my eyes when I look at what I want 

Its always walking into a room filled with guests

Its always dark music

Which although as erased my desire to eat has virused my capabilities 

Am desperate for the balance

That thinking straight antidote

That being me dose I so desperately need in my undeveloped land of breakdown

It makes me feel like I can be the sexiest woman alive

I could be

For the first time in my life I actually believe that this is true

But like this

I could also be mad

I don’t want to be mad and sexy

I want to be clever and sexy

I don’t want to get cancer or heart disease

and I don’t want to give my body up to the devil either and get hell disease

and a wasted soul

I want to have it all

But like this 

Am gonna have nothing at all

Chapter 2- Unprepared sadness

Chapter 2

That’s such a lame move in the midst of my agony to be seduced by passion and ability of grandness

He shares with me this boring possible unknown future

And I was totally unprepared

Suddenly forced to delve in the mask of faraway tomorrow when I’m thinking of the intense now and other beautiful things

He just goes right ahead and pisses me off

Here I am asking him something

Well hoping he understands the letters between my lines

And he totally gives me something else

So he totally doesn’t understand anything Ive been saying, craving or doing

Am super mad

Because am super sad

At the emotional explosion

Like the face of someone I don’t know

Yet I have to know

But why?

What’s his trail of thought here?

Why didn’t he send me flowers or a poem or his sexy voice

Why this?

Ugh

Am barely in control of my own dreams and now hes just concentrated my pain

Stolen my thought processes

Figuratively

Am not mad at the image

Am mad because he clearly doesn’t understand me

And I dont care how complicated it is

He should be able to understand

That the last thing I want 
Is 
lack of richness