Ya Allah.... Give me

I know

That you will be with me

And that your love will

Protect me

And i am here always

Waiting 

And praying

Even if i forget

Ya Allah 

Let me have my own story

And not like anyone elses

Ya Allah

I needyou so much

And i savour anything u give me

Forgive me if i am weak 

Or i am impatient

Or i am scared

Or worse

That i am jealous

I am here 

Allah

I am here

Disobedient

Stubborn

Lazy

And maybe even arrogant

But i am here

I am definitely not good

But i am definitely not bad

Ya Allah

Please be with me

Please 

I want to feel it all

Please let it be this time

Ya Allah

Be with me

And accept me

And allow me

And change me

And forgive me

Ya Allah

Please read

Ya Allah 

Give me

For i am a greedy slave 

Ya Allah

im tired

Oh dear ... hes so bright and happy and Im just an unstable mess
my head hurts and mind wavers and wanders into emptiness
I feel tired
not like I normally aim
I feel aimless goalless
just plain tired
I feel like for once Ill never get this job
I feel pointless
I even feel big without meaning
just a heavy block of somebody walking and I just hate everyone around me
i even hate myself
i want to shout
I want to scream
im tired
and im afraid
but more importantly am angry
but its all weakness
for my anger hasnt produced anything
im still the big empty womanless, jobless woman i am
and i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me
for that was a secretarys job
not mine
but hey it doesnt matter
and I want to do things but i never do
so someone has to tell me to do them
someone has to make me do them
like a child i guess
for im just like a child
lets do this and lets do that and lets bring this and lets bring that
for i cant think for myself
at this moment in time
im tired
im very tired
and i hate myself for having it all and not feeling any of it
in this moment in time
lost and must control\?

 

things change and so should you

What does one do when you feel.... on the exterior, when you feel like an outcast in you own family?
I remember days and moments I remember closeness and I think about words spoken and secrets I told
I dont know now secrets are gold I will not let go of
I feeel weak and broken when secrets come out of me now
for no one haas told me theirs
I ask myself why?
why dont they tell me their exciting promises and their acheivements?
its such a trembling question actually
are they afraid i will ruin it ?
am i at a lower lavel of family then i thought for htey have put me amongst the common family
are they so happy about their progress they want to make sure it rocks me when I find out ?
are they afraid i will jinx it foor them?
ask too many questions


the summary is the same.... they feel it is none of my business

and that hurts
and strangely it is devastating that i never felt like that before towards them
always excited to tell them my news I was

now its a gift to hide things
I feel .... like life changes
and people change
I change and my emotions change
that closesness you think you have with someone develops int o something else
you have to fight it
and you hav e to break it
that feeling of closeness you think you have for


they even are not afraid to tell you


I forgot you

Feeling never good enough

Feeling down 

Feeling like ive won the battle but not the war

Am i selfish

Am i gentle

Am i a strong one

Am i bitter

Am i honest

Thus like to be honested with

Am i heart

No mind

Am i all emotion

No good feelings

Am i happy

Am i just a fool

Am i a queen

Or am i a slave?

Am i protected

Or am i disconnected

Am i broken

Or am i lost

Do i wish upon a star

Or do i wish all weong

Is my heart like this molted steel case withiut even a key , where a key would never open this far away heart

No youd have to melt it and be careful where lava wouldnt be hot enough wouldbt be kind enough

Wouldnt be good enough

Im not good enough

thats why

Last words before I go prepare for Tommorow...

All my life I should be preparing for Tommorow
but here I am never even preparing for today
my fridge is annoying me and no difference from the before me
nothing is gonna make it clean but me
nothing is gonna make it right but me
for here I am , with actual great relief that i know whats wrong
maybe noteven blaming myself no more
jsut the reasons taht Allah has placed
Allah has given me the easiest of problems
the easiest of chances
the best of ways
and suddenly I am actually happy
understanding what my body is doing
understanding where I am
I feel like its all here
and from today I will never give up
I will always pray for that day
and I will always understand that Allah is here for me

 

This week

Lather, rinse, repeat? Not this week. While you’ll certainly have to put in some time at the office, don’t just clock in and go through the motions. With motivator Mars and innovator Uranus in cahoots on Tuesday, it’s time to shake up your processes. Streamline your systems so you can work smarter, not harder. Use technology AND teamwork to get the job done more joyfully — so you can also enjoy a little more casual conversation with coworkers instead of canceling out their jokes and chitchat with your Beats. Think ahead, too: Where would you like to be professionally by the end of 2015? This week, take some bold action to get yourself there, even if that means creating a challenging assignment so you can grow and learn. 

 don't approach it from a place of worry or insecurity. Instead, spin a vision of the beautiful future you wish to co-create.

Beautiful....M&A new

I love being with you

You are my all  

My dream... 

My sweet sweet life..